We drove into a new part of town and panic jolted down my spine. I've heard nothing but the best of Dr Carlisle, which only fuelled my anxiety. Surely he would see right through my swollen glands, my puffy face, and my bruised knuckles. Not to mention my scars, old and new; hews of white and pink zigzagging across my left arm. Seeing Edward's father could result not only in Charlie's destruction, but also for Edward, the only person I know at school, to find out.
"Edward, stop. STOP THE CAR!" I almost couldn't recognize my tone; panic and fear overwhelmed me. "Edward, I am NOT going to see your father" I said, quivering as I opened the passenger's door with tingling hands, but Edward already managed to walk over to my side.
"Bella, calm down. You're shaking." He said but I made my way out of the car and started walking down the road, holding back tears. I was certain I would not show my face again in school, not after embarrassing myself like this. I would have to call Renee and book the next flight home. I can after all live alone; I've always been the one to take care of myself without an adult. Surely Renee and Charlie would understand and consent to this.
Edward was effortlessly keeping up with my pace, calling my name multiple times as I quietly looked ahead and ignored his gaze. "Bella, please talk to me. I won't force you to see my father. Get in the car and I will drive you home." I felt very childish at this point, it has been a long day and I am being a burden on Edward right now. "Please, Bella." He said persuasively.
For his sake, I agreed and was glad to be back in his car where the heater defrosted my rigid body, my breathing steadied and I stopped shaking. Edward was quietly driving with his eyes fixed on the road, and I seized the chance to look at him. I have never said this about anyone before, but he was truly beautiful.
"You were gone." Edward broke the silence. "What?" I asked, taken aback by his statement.
"You were gone for four days. Why?" his tone was flat and he kept his gaze on the road. I didn't know how to answer him, what would I say? That I had to shed a few pounds before I would allow myself to go back to school? But just then I thought of few excuses I could say, but I didn't want to lie, not to him.
He patiently waited for an answer as I racked my brain. "I had a… situation… and I- I compensated for it." I chose my words carefully, answering as vague but as honest as I could. I watched his expression turn to confusion and I chuckled.
"What?" he asked, and his face was completely at loss, I chuckled even more. "You always do that," I said, "every time I explain something, you just get more confused."
"I find you difficult to understand, Bella. You're a book that I can't read." This wasn't news for me, if anyone could in fact read me, I would be in a padded cell right about now. "You're not supposed to understand me." I replied, and tucked my hands under my sleeves. Edward turned his gaze on me and away from the road and I fiddled with my sleeves until we arrived at my house.
"How are you feeling now, Bella?" he asked but got out of the car and sprinted to my side before I could answer. "I'm fine, really. Thanks Edward, but you don't have to worry." I answered as he opened the passenger door for me and I got out of the car. I made my way to the front door of my house when Edward called "Bella, please don't go into the woods alone." He said and before I could ask how he could have known, he's already gotten into his car.
Later that evening, Charlie left the house again to have dinner at Billy's. He had asked me to join him for Billy's infamous blueberry scones, but I declined to "catch up on school work". But truth be told, I was too fatigue for anything. I spent my day sleeping in until I physically couldn't sleep anymore.
I spent my night absent-mindedly starring at the T.V screen, and occasionally walking back-and-forth to the kitchen, opening the fridge and the freezer multiple times, and looking through all of the cupboards. I eventually rummaged through the fully stocked fridge for a strawberry yogurt (120). You don't need this, I thought to myself but still tore back the lid, and grabbed a spoon. I slowly indulged into it, you don't deserve this, put it down, but I kept eating. My body contradicted my mind. My brain wanted me to stop, but my body was acting against it; I was uncontrollably scooping in a bite after another until the pot was empty.
I walked back to fridge, my legs working on their own. I scanned the fridge for what seemed like an hour and grabbed last night's leftover dinner. I sat myself on the kitchen table and unfolded the foil to reveal baked potatoes, and roasted chicken. I set the chicken aside and made my way through the cold potatoes. My mind was screaming at me to stop, but with each bite I lost more control. This wasn't enough I needed more. My brain was foggy at this point and didn't feel like my own, I was dissociated from my head. I needed more, my rules and morals didn't matter, nothing did. I made my way to the roasted chicken I had set aside until nothing but bones was left of it.
This still wasn't enough, the more I ate, the more I craved. I spent the rest of the hour emptying the fridge. I finally took the last bites out of a cinnamon roll until I couldn't eat anymore. Full and sick to my stomach, I analysed the kitchen table; it was scattered with wrappers and spilled food. I stuffed my mouth with everything from peas, rice, and cereal to ice cream, sweets and chips.
I went upstairs to the only bathroom in the house, and looked at myself in the mirror. I lifted my shirt to expose an extremely bloated stomach, pinching and pulling every part of my body. I took my clothes off and weighted myself; I have put on 5lbs within an hour. You idiot, I thought myself, you ruined it all, you ruin everything.
Disgusted and fuming with self-hatred, I jugged down as much water as my stomach would allow and made my way to toilet. While sat on my knees with my hair tied up, I aggressively rubbed the back of my tongue with my index and let it all out, the hate, the sorrow, the anger, I was choking on it, I was getting rid of it all.