Toni
Both are stubborn individuals. Especially Pepper but she has every reason to be. It's tough and I completely understand both their points. I suppose I just want them together but that's not possible right now. I don't think Tony will part from them long and he'll probably notice a difference in Max when he returns. Thanks for the update :)
You are absolutely right…I think seeing the changes in Max will definitely be hard for him!
InWaiting13
This story is so depressing, but it's also very good. I'm caught in this weird situation as a Tony/Pepper fan because half of me wants them to be together, and then the other half craves the angst of them not being able to work things out. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment...like we all didn't get enough that in CACW. You just write the angst so wonderfully I can't help but like it.
I feel the exact same way! I can't take the stories that are all mush. It is absolutely the angst that draws me in, because that is REAL. But…I do like happy endings. J
Deadpool-rules
Why can't he move to SF? It's not like he would get caught in the traffic jam. Otherwise very sweet as always!
That is definitely something he is going to have to evaluate!
Aolympia
God! She's being so stubborn, but on the other hand, I understand that she still feels hurt and that her new life is important to her.
Anyway, I really, really hope that you planned to give us some relief in the coming chapters :)
I love your descriptions btw; it feels so real!
A little relief MAY be coming your way. Let me know your thoughts on this one. J
And now on with the show…
…
"Tony!" Clint shouted. "You're finally back, man. 'Bout time you slacker," he smirked, moving down the hall.
"Yeah." Tony scowled and headed for the common room.
Banner and Rhodey sat at a table discussing Avengers business while Natasha listened attentively. "Hey man," Banner said. "Good to have you back. Not sure you look too rested though."
"How was your vacation?" Clint inquired, waggling his eyebrows.
"Uh…We'll get to that in a minute," Tony replied. Everyone except Rhodey looked around the room, wondering what he meant.
"So, you have the latest tech for us? I have been dying to see what modifications SI was able to make to my suit," Steve inquired.
"Um, no…I don't. Listen…hey guys, do you all have a minute?" he gestured to everyone around the room
He'd promised Rhodey pictures, and knew he needed to tell his team. "Listen," he began. He pulled an envelope from the inside pocket of his jacket, opening the flap and seeing his son's sweet expression which seemed to say, simply: Here I am. He'd decided it would be easier to use visual aides; there were several pictures of the baby in various stages of newborn perfection, and one of Pepper and the baby. He missed them so severely, his heart aching at the separation.
"Tony," Rhodey prodded, startling him from his reverie.
"Um," he said. "Yeah. I, uh…I have something I want to tell everyone." He spread out the pictures on the table; everyone looked confused, the one of Pepper was still covered by the others. "This is my son, Max," he said matter-of-factly.
"Son?"
"You have a kid?"
"What the f-…I mean, no wonder you have been in a good mood lately. You've obviously been getting some, but…"
"Clint!" Rhodey, Banner, and Steve shouted in unison.
"What?! Hey…let me see the pictures."
Amidst all of the "oooh's" and "ahhh's" Banner piped in with a bemused, "Wow, Tony…he looks just like you," which was followed immediately by a "yeah, this baby looks just like his daddy" from Steve. But is was a moment later when Rhodey picked up a picture of Max asleep in his crib - revealing the picture of Pepper and Max in the process - that the tone of the conversation changed.
No one spoke, and Rhodey wondered for a minute if Tony leaving in that particular picture had been a mistake. Looking at him, he guessed not.
"You and Pepper?" Banner asked. Tony simply nodded.
Clint's mouth was agape.
Steve smiled in a way that told Tony he was beyond uncomfortable, but not entirely surprised either.
Rhodey patted his arm, said, "Congratulations, Tony. He's a beautiful baby."
"Yeah, uh, congratulations man," Banner and Clint echoed.
"You and Pepper have a lovechild?" Steve asked. "Out of wedlock?"
"Steve!" Clint and Banner exclaimed, both punching him on the shoulder.
"I'm sorry, but I'm in shock here," Steve said in his defense. "I mean, they aren't married, and…well, she is...did you…argh. Is this why she left?"
Even Rhodey stopped his adoration of the pictures, and all eyes focused on Tony as he responded, "No."
"Is Pepper moving back here?" Clint asked.
Tony shook his head, "No," he answered.
"But-" Steve persisted.
"It's not up for discussion, SparklePants," Tony warned.
On the plane trip home, Tony had outlined a basic schedule, which he hoped would work. "From now on, my schedule is going to be a little chaotic. At the end of each month I'll be gone four straight days so I can go to San Francisco and see Max. I'm telling you because I don't want everyone speculating about where I am or what I'm doing as has been the case since January."
Everyone looked away, as if they had not been party to the rumor mill. "Good looking boy," Banner said, easing the strain of Tony's disclosure.
"He is," Tony agreed. Handing a file to Rhodey, he told him, "Your tech specs are in here guys. Take a look when you have time."
"Thanks," Rhodey said, gathering the pictures of Max and handing them to Tony. Tony left his stunned team in the break room, and made his way to talk to Fury. He would be glad when this day was over.
Tony practiced his speech in his head, wanting to share his plans and his new schedule. There was no way he was giving up his time with his son to fly on any arms missions. The team was stacked enough that at this point, they could all share in those duties. Fury listened intently and was surprisingly accommodating, offering congratulations, and inquiring about the baby. It was slightly unsettling, hearing support and encouragement from the one-eyed, smug bastard. Once Tony had offered up enough fatherly pride, though, he turned to leave.
"Why did Potts leave? Surely you two could have worked something out? She was an asset to SI…and thus an asset to SHIELD," he stated evenly.
"She, uh, she didn't quit because of the baby," Tony explained, offering nothing more. He felt like he was fifteen again, back at MIT, in the Dean's office, trying to explain why he'd been kissing 18-year-old Anna Wills behind the bunsen burners in the Chemistry lab.
"I see," Fury said. "Well, congratulations, Tony. Your father would be proud."
When he finally made it home, Tony parked his Audi and collapsed into the desk chair in the workshop. There were mounds of paperwork, emails, meetings and messages waiting. Pulling the pictures from his jacket pocket, he slipped out the picture of Max and Pepper and wedged it between his toolbox and his restored "Proof that Tony Stark has a Heart" trophy.
Nothing looked the same, nothing seemed as important as it had when he'd left weeks ago. There was tech to design, arms dealers to thwart, a company to run, and shit to build. And he wanted to do that still; he'd built his life around his job, the need to be productive and to make a difference wasn't gone, but it was less somehow. There was something else now, something beyond Iron Man, the thrill of the fight and his quest to make things right which had once been so fascinating and consuming.
It was the middle of the night, and Max would probably be waking for his midnight feeding soon. Tony wondered who would bring Pepper a glass of water and listen to her frustration until the pain of being a mother faded away, who would hold his son while Pepper slid under the covers, exhausted from making his life complete and breaking his heart in pieces.
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Dressed in her bathrobe, Pepper opened the door, and then shuffled back to the couch. "He's asleep," she whispered, although the baby wasn't in the room. "How was your flight?"
"Good," he replied, setting his case just inside the front door. They'd fallen into a routine, with Tony flying up once a month for the past two months, and staying at Pepper's place, so he could see more of Max. "You look tired," Tony said, settling onto the couch. The room was dark except for the miniscule light from the television.
"I am," Pepper replied, curling onto her side, staring blankly as a deep-voiced correspondent discussed the recent turn in the market and the impact on the global economy.
"You miss work," he observed.
Pepper nodded. "Yes," she said.
"How long until your maternity leave is up?"
"Another two weeks," she mumbled. "I love being with him," she said suddenly, sitting up. "I do, it's just I miss –"
"It's okay to miss work, Pepper," Tony assured.
"Is it? I feel like he should be enough, and in so many ways he is," she trailed off.
"It's okay to want something for yourself," he said.
Turning her attention back toward the television, she sighed, "Yeah, I guess so."
"How was the visit with your brother last week?" he asked.
"Good. It was nice to take a nap while Pete and Maggy watched him for a couple of hours. I was glad they were able to come up. And it is nice getting some advice from seasoned parents. They loved Max, said he was adorable and looked exactly like you," she grinned.
"He is. And he does. And where is my mini-me?" he asked looking around for the baby.
Pepper looked vaguely guilty, but answered, "I talked to the doctor, she said it would be okay, so I moved him into his room," she informed him. "We both sleep better, I think he might be on a schedule, but we'll see," she added.
"I'm going to go see him," Tony said, getting up from the couch.
Yawning, Pepper told him, "Yeah, it's time for him to eat soon anyway. You can feed him." Covering her mouth she pointed to the refrigerator.
Tony arched an eyebrow, "While that would be fascinating, I still lack the necessary boobage to accomplish that one, Pep."
At her eye roll and smirk, he tried again, "What? Is he on formula now?"
"No, no," Pepper said. "I pumped some milk."
"Ewww. Okay. I mean…okay. I've never fed him," Tony whispered.
"I need an idiot's guide to motherhood, because Maggy told me about the breast pump. I had no idea. This thing could easily be used as a torture device, but it does allow me more freedom," Pepper said, another yawn breaking her rambling monologue. Seeing Tony's worried face, she smiled and added, "You'll do fine, Tony. Heat up the bottle for thirty seconds, shake it up, test it on your arm, and he'll suck it down as though he's never eaten before and may never eat again."
Pepper stretched out on the couch as Tony maneuvered around the coffee table. "Hey Pepper?"
"Yeah," she answered, her voice raspy.
"It's good to see you," he said quietly.
"Mmm," she replied.
Days passed quickly knowing that was all the time he had. Every second was measured, and he tried to make himself useful while taking time to enjoy his son. The leaving was becoming increasingly difficult. It was as if Max had awoken something in him, or created something he did not know how to explain.
When he visited, he and Pepper sometimes shared dinner or watched a movie together. He took his son for walks while Pepper attempted to clean. A few times, he'd taken Max with him to the grocery store, to the hardware store, down to the beach so Pepper could sleep. She was a good mother; not everything came naturally, he sensed her restlessness when doing menial tasks like folding laundry or changing dirty diapers. But, she loved Max, fiercely, completely, and wherever she struggled, there was more than enough love to keep the balance.
Pepper accused Tony of spoiling him because whenever he visited he would not put the child down, and when he left she spent days re-acclimating Max to his semi-normal schedule. "He cries when you leave," she informed him. "He wants you to hold him all the time," she smiled.
It was hard to leave knowing Max cried for him, that some part of his brain sensed Tony's presence and missed him when he left.
Tony unzipped the front flap of his case and pulled out a few letters, then laid them on the coffee table.
Having said their goodbyes, Pepper decided Max needed a nap. He'd been fussy all morning, and they both wondered if he had a cold. She entered the living room, and sat down on the couch.
"You already set your flight plan for next month?" she asked, looking at the stack of papers on the table in front of her.
Tony nodded, "Yeah, everything is on the refrigerator," he said.
"Okay," she said, picking up her cup of coffee from the side table. "What's that?" she asked, pointing to the papers.
"I wrote you some letters a while back," he said evenly. "I wanted you to read them."
"Tony-" Pepper started, holding up a hand.
"Just read them, Potts," he said.
Pepper nodded once, too tired to argue.
Tony slung his carry on bag over his shoulder, and walked over to where Pepper was sitting on the couch. Leaning down, he kissed her cheek. "See you and Max next month," he said.
"Have a safe trip," she offered.
As he opened the door, Pepper asked, "What do the letters say?"
Tony turned back, "They're an answer to a question."
Pepper picked up the stack of letters. "What was the question?" she asked, flipping through the papers.
"What would I have said, if I'd said what I meant to, instead of what I did?"
"Tony-"
Max's phantom weight rested against his chest, and his fingertips remembered the feel of Pepper's skin. He had nothing left to lose, because he'd already lost her. "I don't blame you for being angry with me, because if I were in your shoes, I don't know if I could forgive you, either, Pepper," he told her, and she looked away. "I shouldn't have freaked out but I did. I have never…It wasn't…Pepper, you know me. Better than anyone else. You know that I love you. Like I have never loved anyone in my life. I have never felt like this before. Ever. And it scares the hell out of me. Being with you was not a mistake, but walking away was. And then I let you walk away. I will never make that mistake again." He paused, took a breath.
Pepper stared unseeing at his letters. She didn't want to hear Tony say everything she wanted to hear, not now, because it was a day late and a dollar short, a mantra she repeated in her head.
Shaking his head, he said in a quiet voice, "It took me so long to admit to myself how I felt about you, Pepper. That wasn't me. I didn't have those kind of feelings. I don't love. I don't commit. Mr. 'hit 'em and quit 'em.' But I realized something in that cave. When I had no one and nothing, the only thing that mattered to me, the only thing left was you. You are what got me through that time. And it still took me a while to truly understand it. To gather the courage to act on it. And then…that night. It was perfect. It was unreal. It was fucking hot. And it was what we both wanted, and needed. And then of course I fucked it all up. And by the time I had it fully figured out you were already gone. But…I love you, and I – I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. I love you so much it hurts."
His words, soft and honest, broke through her internal dialogue. Tony readjusted his hold on his case, everything heavier in the wake of his confession.
"Why are you telling me this now?" she asked, voice battling the tears she felt threatening.
Tony looked beyond the moment, not knowing whether he wanted to turn back time, or see into the future, so he would know how it all turned out in the end. "Because I know I'm out of chances with you. In truth you gave me too many, you were too patient, too forgiving too many times," he said, pausing, "I was scared of losing everything, of losing you, and I was scared it might not work out. Now I know what it means to lose you. I still have my money, my company, my cars, and I still have Iron Man. But I would give it all away in a second if it meant I could have you."
A nagging voice in the back of Pepper's head spoke without her brain's permission, "If Max weren't in the picture-" she started.
"I would still be here, Pepper. I would've called you, flown here and made you hear me out eventually. I tried to call before I even knew about him, I wanted to talk to you, but you wouldn't listen and I understand why. Max is here and he definitely affects us, but I loved you before I knew him," he said.
Pepper couldn't help the anger that crept into her voice, or the tears that betrayed her as they slid down her cheeks. "It would have been so good, if you would've said this then, if you had believed in me and what we had, but you didn't and I can't go back, Tony."
Setting down his suitcase, Tony walked to the couch and sat beside Pepper. He took her hands in his, and said, "I don't want to go back, Pepper. I want to move forward, I want it to be the way it could have been if I hadn't fucked everything up," he said, letting his lips linger on hers. She didn't pull back from the kiss, but didn't return it.
Her breath was a soft barrier between them, "Do you know how long I wanted you to say this? Do you know how long I waited for you to realize," she stopped, and pulled away. "I know you love me Tony, love has never been the problem," she said.
"Do you love me?"
Pepper took a deep breath, "What do you think?"
"You've never said it."
"I said it for years, but you weren't listening."
"Can you say it one more time?"
She started to speak, but Tony covered her lips with his, her words melting on their tongues. "Tony," she whispered, eventually pulling away again.
He pulled her closer to him, her body warm under his hands, and whispered, "Read the letters, just don't count me out of your life, not yet."
Pepper remained quiet, and sat back, folded her hands in her lap. Only a few inches separated them, but Tony knew Pepper had retreated to somewhere he couldn't reach. "I don't mean to push you, I just feel like I'm running out of time to make things right."
Pepper smiled nervously, looked at the clock on the side table. "Your plane is waiting on you. You should go," she said.
Tony nodded and rose from the couch, but not before kissing her one last time, slow and sensuously. He then dragged his feet to the front door and picked up his case.
It was at the airport, as had begun his long walk down the ramp to the plane that he realized that while Pepper had not fallen all over herself to give him another chance, she hadn't said no, either.