Mac was lying on the couch watching cartoons when she heard the doorbell. Who the hell could that be? Veronica would just walk in. Josh? She so did not want to deal with him today. He would have to be stupider than she thought to try and apologize. It rang more persistently as she rolled herself off the couch to get it. Her brain must have been working more sluggishly than usual thanks to the previous night's events, because she was absolutely shocked to see Dick standing there, two coffees in hand. She stared at him for a few moments and immediately shut the door in his face. Shit.

She remembered yelling at him, all the things she had been trying to keep down for the past six months tumbling out of her mouth despite her best efforts to just shut up. She knew she would have to deal with it eventually, but had hoped he would continue acting as though nothing had happened and in a few days she could face him, apologize for being so drunk and emotional, and move on. She did not expect him to be standing on her doorstep looking fit as ever with her favorite beverage in hand. And once Mac started thinking about the coffee her body betrayed her with an irresistible craving for it. She opened the door that Dick had been pounding on since she had closed it in his face, grabbed the coffee, and walked back to the couch to lie down.

Dick took her not slamming the door in his face a second time as a good sign, and cautiously stepped through the entrance, gently shutting the door behind him and going to sit next to her on the couch. He waited patiently while she took a few slow sips, watching her expression soften a bit as the warm liquid worked its magic.

"Mac?" he asked, "you ok?"

She glared at him over the lid of her cup and turned back to her cartoons. Dick repositioned himself on the couch so he could properly face her, taking a long gulp from his own cup.

"I, um, I wanted to make sure you were ok after last night, and you know, maybe talk and shit. Are you?" he raised his eyebrows pointedly at her. Mac sighed and turned off the television, figuring the sooner she could get this over with the better.

"Dick, if you have something to say just say it and go. I'm not really feeling up to a heart to heart with you right now."

Dick looked down at his lap, disappointed. "Right, ok." He wasn't exactly sure how he thought this would go, but he hadn't really prepared himself for a big speech. He figured when he saw her he would know what to say, how to apologize, but sorrys had never really been his thing and now that the moment was here he had no clue how to start.

"I ordered the coffee." He stared at his own cup while he spoke, unable to meet her eyes.

"Good job Dick," her tone was heavy with sarcasm, "that's typically how you get them to make it for you so I kinda figured as much."

He shook his head, realizing her confusion. He looked up and into her eyes, which were markedly unimpressed with his speech so far. "No, I mean, before. You know? I went to get the coffee and I put in the order. And the girl behind the counter, she, well she looked just like Ronnie, you know? Back in school when she used to work there? Logan would fucking make us stop by so he could stare at her or whatever. Totally creepy but you know…" She raised her eyebrows, pleading with him to get to the point. "I don't know what happened. I just freaked out. I mean, Logan just gets so destroyed by her, like all the time. Even when they're together, even now you know, she just has this power over him and it breaks him. I know he loves her and stuff but jesus, it shouldn't have to be so hard you know? I mean, with Madison the hardest part was when she was just being a bitch but so what? It didn't make me go all crazy like he does."

Dick sighed. Mac's face was unreadable, but he figured he should just go ahead and lay it all out on the table, he'd come this far. "It's just, with you it wasn't, I mean it wasn't like with other chicks. You're just really awesome and stuff, you know, and I guess I could finally see it. Why he puts up with all the shit for her and stuff." Dick's head dropped so he was staring into his lap, unable to meet her eyes anymore.

"But I was."

Dick looked up as she finally spoke, her eyes shiny. He looked at her questioningly.

"I was just like every other girl you slept with and bailed on. You made it like that, you made me into one of those idiots." Her voice was quiet, but firm.

"Mac, that wasn't what I wanted, I swear. I just got scared you know, I don't want to end up like him. I'm fucking broken enough already you know?" his voice dropped to a whisper. "I just knew you wouldn't be able to see me like I see you, not really, and I'd end up fucked up just like him," he shook his head slowly.

"So you figured the best way to save yourself from getting hurt was to hurt me? Let me be the one that gets fucked up? Thanks Dick, that was really awesome of you." She turned away as the tears threatened to spill out, wishing she had never opened the door.

"Mac, no, c'mon," he scooted in closer to her, wanting to comfort her but scared to touch her. "I wasn't thinking, I screwed up, I definitely know that, I didn't want you to get hurt, I never wanted that," he said, regaining some confidence in his voice. "I never want you to feel the way he made you feel, you know, never. I could just fucking hit myself for doing anything that even reminds you of that. I'm a fucking asshole and you should hate me, I deserve it."

His head dropped to his hands in his lap a he let out a deep breath. Mac knew she had been too harsh with him, bringing up Cassidy, and her stomach twisted up in guilt but she couldn't bring herself to speak, to try and take it back like she knew she should. Instead she just sat there, using every ounce of energy she had not to cry. Finally, Dick looked up.

"I'm just, I am so fucking sorry Mac. Besides Logan you are like the only person I give two shits about and I fucked it up." He rubbed his eyes. "Please tell me how to fix it. I'll do whatever you want, just please tell me I can fix it." She looked away, unable to meet his gaze.

"Are you done?" She needed him to be gone like, right now, she didn't think she could hold the tears back any longer.

"No," he said pleadingly. "Mac, please just talk to me ok? Tell me what I can do."

"You can go."

Dick swallowed hard. This isn't how he wanted this to go, she needed to know he really didn't see her like those other women, that she was the only one he wanted and he hated himself for hurting her. When she looked back at him he saw the tears falling from her eyes.

"Please just go," she whispered. Seeing her hurt like this was too much for him, he reached over and gently wiped the drops that had already fallen down her face. She didn't stop him, her cheeks burning where his fingers had been. For the moment all he could think about was making this better for her, comforting her so she wouldn't hurt. He leaned forward until his forehead was pressed against hers and slowly pushed her hair from her face, breathing softly against her. He took her lips in his, tasting the salt from the tears still flowing down her face. She let him kiss her, her body frozen by his touch, taking in his scent.

"Mac, I'm going to fix this ok? I swear I'm not a complete fuck up, I can make this right," he whispered softly to her, his hand holding her face close to his still. She pulled away, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry Dick, but you can't," her face screwed up in pain at hearing her own words.

Dick kneeled in front of her, forcing him to look into his eyes.

"Mac, we've known each other for like, forever right?" She didn't respond, but didn't stop him from talking either. "And for like years, I didn't even know who you were, even care I guess. Then you started dating Cass, and you were just like this girl, this chick who was taking my brother away from me, and I know I was an ass to you but I just missed him I guess. And then, after," his gaze automatically dropped but he forced himself to look back up at her, "I guess I felt like it wasn't fair, like it wasn't fair for you to be hurt like I was when you only knew him a few months and he was my goddamn brother. You knew him and you were cool to him and he would probably miss you more than he ever missed me and I just couldn't handle that, you know? I know I was wrong, and stupid, but I just hated that someone else would have a part of him too. And then, after a while, I just hated that he hurt you. I was ashamed of what he had done, ashamed of him, ashamed of me. I just couldn't stand to look at you," his voice dropped and Mac could see tears forming in his eyes. "Seeing you was just this reminder of every bad thing I'd ever done to anyone, and all the bad things that came from it. Being around you always made me feel like a piece of shit, and maybe I deserve to feel that way, but still. And the worse part was you were always so fucking nice. You never called me out for all the crappy stuff I did, you forgave me even though I definitely didn't deserve it, it just made it all worse… the guilt. Fuck I was thrilled when Ronnie left town because it meant I didn't have to see you anymore." He took a deep breath.

"Even seeing you back here, at the reunion. I was such a fucking wreck. You'd think the guilt would have faded some but fuck no. Looking at you just hurt." He paused. "I always thought it was because of him, but I don't know now. I mean, one night. One fucking night and I go from hoping I never see you again to fucking not being able to get you out of my head. You were looking at me like… I don't know, like I was important or some shit. Like I wasn't the guy who caused you all this fucking pain, like I didn't have to feel guilty all the fucking time. How do you go from being scared shitless of running into someone to sitting around coming up with excuses to see them without seeming like a stalker? I know it took me longer than it should have to catch on, Mac, I know that. I'm a fucking coward and I screwed up. But I figured it out." His bit his lips as he looked up at her, once again forcing her to look back.

"You're the one, you know? You're the only one that gets me. You let me feel guilty without acting like I'm wrong or right for that. You let me not feel guilty without acting like I'm wrong or right for that. But mostly… you just let me feel like a fucking human again. I don't know what it is, I just know when I'm around you is about the only time I can stand myself. Even fucking now, when I know you hate me. I would rather be near you than away from you. Please Mac, just please let me try and fix this." He looked at her pleadingly, searchingly, trying to figure out what she was thinking. It was more words than he'd used in like, ever, but he had spent a lot of time thinking about this, by Dick standards at least. Once he started, he just couldn't stop and he hoped putting everything out there would convince her that she should forgive him and give him another chance.

"I know you want to fix it, I believe you Dick, I do." She sat back on the couch, doing her best to put some distance between them. "It was never about him with you. I mean, it was, but only because you got it. I didn't have to talk about it, or explain. At least not the why of it. Maybe we could try being friends or something. I don't know. But I just can't be like that with you. I'm sorry but, I mean, how could I ever trust you, you know? How could I ever count on you to be there? I would always be terrified you would just disappear on me. I can't be with someone and feel like that. I'm sorry, I just can't." She stood up from the couch, forcing herself to move away from him. "It shouldn't have to be so hard, right? You really should go," she said, her last words barely audible.

She hated the way he looked at her, his eyes shining with sadness and resignation. He was the one who hurt her, he shouldn't be able to make her feel this way with his sad eyes, his fucking gorgeous sad eyes pouring his heart out on her fucking carpet, like she needed that.

He nodded slowly, finally relenting. "Yeah, ok," he said, standing. He bolted out the door before she could see the tears threatening to break out, jumped in his car and raced home.

Mac settled on the couch, scared of losing the taste of him on her lips to her now cold coffee and the tears that came without restraint.