Orange
"Orange is red brought nearer to humanity by yellow."
- Kandinsky
Las Vegas - anno 2005
"Have you ever…escaped somewhere when you felt you couldn't deal with something? I mean, if you felt you couldn't deal with something?"
Sara noticed Grissom's eyes narrowing as she spoke, but not in a way that jeopardized this new openness they shared.
"Okay, when you felt you couldn't deal with something."
She couldn't keep her eyes from rolling as her right cheek dimpled slightly. The one time previously he had been seated on her couch she hadn't been in a frame of mind to notice how it suited him. Now, with the slight orange glow from her curtains making his cheeks appear flushed, it seemed strangely obvious.
He sipped his coffee slowly, as if to ensure time itself there was no reason to hurry.
"Yes, I have."
Grissom couldn't help but taunt her a bit, even when the topic deep down was difficult -- probably because of it. They could get away with that now, it was a new twist in their 'un-relationship', a silently agreed upon turn toward safer waters.
Two days had gone by since he had knocked on her door, before beginning his day off, to confess to her his biggest mistake.
Two
hours and then some had gone by since she had realized her own
mistakes and told herself, and him, that she still loves him.
She hadn't meant it to be spoken aloud, but it had been a door opener, literally, where the various reasons that had kept doors closed for so long had seemed less important all of a sudden.
Those reasons were stashed away in the different places the mind had sought refuge over the years, and now it was time 'to clear hawse' so to speak, in order to sail onward.
They'd at least give it a try…"Uh, okay. And…??"
Her keen expression made him purse his lips to contain an unsuitable smirk.
"And…I think you brought this up."
He always had been a smart-ass…His face seemed gentle, as it always did when he allowed his eyes to venture above the metal boundary of his glasses, pleading almost.
"I should have anticipated that one, huh? My time to escape I guess," she verified with a self-conscious smirk.
Biting her lower lip she continued.
"Um...I've found I don't know how to deal with a lot of things, a lot of the time, so yeah... I've basically perfected the art of escaping, you know?"
She glanced at him quickly before expanding upon that thought.
"Not that you wouldn't...know at this point."
Her faint smile was reflected in his eyes.
"So, when I was, you know...back then, before all of the stuff happened, I would picture in my mind this little red cottage out in the middle of nowhere somewhere, and I would go there because it silenced all the fighting."
He felt the corners of his mouth drop, but kept his eyes on her.
"It was a nice place to escape to. Probably started out because a girl down my street had just gotten a play house that sat in their yard and I wanted one I guess, but I remember she had all her friends in it and if I had one it would be only for me and nobody would be allowed in it--"
Her mug came to her lips, but was unconsciously lowered with no coffee having parted.
"--to play. My house was not for play. It could be tied to nothing and nobody because it had to come with me, and it did. After the...blood on the wall, it must have felt too red or something, 'cause I remember it as having green windows and a green door too after that, you know? Like it wanted to be different, but still the same."
He nodded, but let her go on.
"My mind almost drowned there once. It just seemed like it would never stop raining on my life; like I couldn't escape anywhere without taking the tears with me...and my red refuge didn't feel safe anymore as flooding outside threatened to trap me inside. I was stuck in a pit just waiting for it to fill and become a lake."
No more crying, Sidle, there was no lake because you stopped crying.
She took a deep breath helped by his sense of calm.
"And then I learned to swim, lugged my weathered mind-bound shelter with me to New England when going to Harvard, situated its foundation in a sloping forest – a place inhospitable to lakes, and didn't revisit that mindset for a long time."
He feared the answer…but also knew she needed to admit to it.
"What made you go back?"
He did, and she knew that he knew…
Her eyes sought him out before looking away.
"Sara...I'm sorry. Will you help me help you clear the hurt away?"
Her face softened.
"No. I mean...yes I will, but no, you can't take it all away."
She sighed serenely, finally feeling a sense of relief.
"You also brought me fall; a beautiful season of yellow and orange -- hope that brightened my life making red seem warmer and green fresher, my season for harvest. You're that comfort my mind...and heart…were ultimately seeking while hiding behind imaginary walls."
His eyes glazed from a gradual sense of déja-vu.
…September, fall, yellow, change… Change.
Sara's hand-written September sentiment...the calendar she'd personalized for graveyard's gift-exchange last Christmas...for him.
"September is the first month of fall...you--"
Lingering awkwardness grew into a soft Sidle-smile.
"--So, have you ever escaped somewhere when you felt you couldn't deal with something?"
"Yes...I have."
Dark blue eyes observed her intently.
"Uh--not going to work this time Grissom, please tell me you've escaped somewhere for something?"
He looked...enlightened?
He smiled peacefully; a sincere end to their honest beginning.
"--I couldn't deal without you anymore, so I came here."
"September – 'If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies."