Cobalt Blue
October - "I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man"
-Chuang Tzu
Las Vegas - anno 2005
'I couldn't deal without you anymore, so I came here.'
He had verbalized his thoughts and somehow it had felt right this time, maybe because he had known what he was thinking before she did.
That worked both ways of course, but when it came to areas involving the heart she usually had one up on him, although they both had tendencies to let words slip the tongue without ever having intended them to. This time, however, was not a slip and he had known what he wanted to say.
He had quite possibly arrived with intentions.
Sara telling him about her mind's refuge had unbeknownst to her helped him verbalize his thoughts in a context that she would likely understand.
They always had known how to finish each other's sentences, now hadn't they?
Sara… She looked rather angelic sitting in her sofa chair outlined by the soft sunlight in the background, her cheeks slightly flushed. The one time previously he had observed her seated in that chair he hadn't been in a frame of mind to notice how absolutely lovely she was, now it seemed strangely obvious. He couldn't help but notice the familiar squeeze in his chest.
Only this time not because he was missing someone, but due to the presence of that very someone.
Due
Due to
Due to her
Due to
Sara
Do…to
her
Do…to
Do…
--and he did.
An intended slip of the tongue—or rather, tongues…
And, did they ever know how to finish each other's sentences!
The first time he ever truly allowed himself to see Sara, his eyes were closed.
And after that first time kissing Sara, he finally understood why the drawn-out internal struggle of whether or not to risk getting close to her; touching her; receiving from her what she could not take back, had been neither here nor there.
The answer was written ever so clearly in those subtle rosy features playing across that, now, devilish and grinning face looking back up at him.
Confidence. Harmony. Trust.
That was why.
Just by allowing himself to at last see her passion and taste her feelings, he had realized he would be taking no risk at all.
No, this was about something much broader than weighing the odds and calculating the possible rewards and losses involved; as if a pair of dice rolling haphazardly within the boundaries of an unidentified Vegas crap table.
'This' was about investment; an investment involving rewards which would most certainly outweigh the losses and from which natural progression could open up limitless possibilities for a future -- their future.
'This' was no longer about taking risks, but rather about accepting rewards – a whole new concept to him, a whole new science.
How would he change and learn to accept change without changing too much?
'This' was about—
"—Gris…"
His blank stare quickly refocused on the source of the soft reverberation; Sara's lips.
"…can I come with you, wherever you are?"
He was reading her lips much like that night after the explosion when she had smiled and said what he had wanted to say ever since.
Following Sara's profile upward, until brown melded with blue, nothing but color could distinguish the discerning expression between them until his eyes again fell to her moving lips.
"Share with me, bring me with you -- tell me what you are thinking."
His eyes took in what she was saying when he realized he had gotten lost in his thoughts once more.
Thinking…always thinking.
Even as the woman engaging his mind were sitting directly in front of him, even as the cool sheen of her could still be felt on his bottom lip, he was thinking.
It had to stop.
Since his one taste of her his physical senses had overpowered him and blurred his thoughts, leaving him in a mixed state of drunken euphoria and indescribable conflict.
"-- It's…overrated."
His right foot moved consistently from curling and uncurling his toes within the confines of his loafer, an unconscious distraction.
Sara's expression instinctively fell a bit before taking a deep breath and attempting to relax her shoulders.
"What is? What is overrated?"
"-- Thinking"
His hands found his pockets, a familiar calming feel eventually permitting his restless foot to slow, emotions stirring.
"When I think, I analyze…everything."
With the frenzied feel of a revelation in progress, the words spilled quickly; so as not to be swallowed and digested.
"-- I analyze words, I analyze scents, flavors, visuals, I analyze sounds -- and silence; I spend too much time questioning the silence.
And for all the comfort that silence possesses, I cannot find any answers. I cannot find the answers."
Barely a whisper, uttered at the tail end of a sigh, was audible as his unfocused stare fell past hers to a spot on the floor near her feet.
" So…why, then? Why am I still thinking?"
He caught his breath and having put himself on the spot resembled a child fearing the wrath of a teacher's stick, leaving his eyes wide and glassy and yearning.
Sara stood up from her chair and directly into his space, while gently placing her right hand over his opposite pant pocket. His startle, a response to his own reaction rather than to her touch directly, made him press up against her ever so briefly. Closing her hand around his fingers, much like a last clockwise turn of a faucet, she stilled the movement – quieting the tap-tap sound of his thoughts, leaving nothing but silence between them.
They simply stood like that, facing the silence and each other, settling into an intense alternating rhythm of inhale and exhale as they breathed the other's partially spent air.
In…
…out.
Back…
…forth.
O2…
…CO2.
His…
…hers.
A fear of the unknown…mingled with the slightest warmth from the other's hand through the cotton material…mingled with a slight dizziness.
In some ways he had gone through this before, with his hearing. Deafening silence interspersed with slight bleeps of reality – his life almost within earshot.
Only this time the fear was no longer of himself; well – it was, but no longer for himself, and this time life was almost within reach – just a few more lungful breaths.
Thinking of what to say, the muscles in his mouth began trembling, as if to say something -- his lips tensing; he was stressed, confused and determined.
Yet she placed her left middle finger gently to his lips, shaking her head briefly, before proceeding, all the while looking in his eyes. The back of her now bent finger slid up and over the tip and bridge of his nose; her short fingernail gliding effortlessly, only to straighten and bring her palm to rest barely a hair's width from his forehead.
His breath on her wrist sent shivers through her, but this wasn't about her – not yet.
Seeing that she had his undivided attention she carefully brought her five hovering fingers down across his face, meandering from the median and exploring each and every feature with the tantalizing friction of skin on skin. As her fingers bridged his lips he instinctively opened his mouth to taste her, hungry for her, but her hand slowly progressed downward molding with the cleft in his chin as she again shook her head – instead squeezing his pocketed hand.
His hands emerged from the cocoon of his pockets and she gently took hold of his left wrist, guiding him to the vicinity of her face and nodding softly when his eyes flickered from her eyes to her mouth and back again.
What must have been mere seconds in time could only be described as a moment in time -- a defining moment after which confidence, harmony and trust would no longer be unfamiliar faceless expressions.
At first she shuddered, his fingers no doubt tickly, his touch too light. But as her breath became more forceful the feel of it against his skin made his hand seek the closeness possessively. She kissed the underside of his fingers as they slid down over her mouth, bringing her own exploring hand down the slope of his neck to linger over his heart. The sound of his heartbeat was felt through her palm the same way she thought she could hear his heart releasing years of built up tension.
He must have felt it too, and at the loss of his fingers on her lips she opened her eyes, kissed his lower lip tenderly and looked at him.
"Thank you for sharing your silence with me."
And there it was; the intense fire that made his eyes as unique as cobalt blue when backlit by the brilliant rays of the sun.
It
was the same cobalt that she had seen briefly ten years ago, the blue
she had not been able to successfully paint; unable to imitate the
radiant light…
It
was that cobalt that inspired spontaneity ten years ago and yet had
tinted her vision ever since, making everything a dull blue.
It
was the blue of the sunlit ocean, of butterflies, of the outline
surrounding a full moon on a starry night.
It
was memories and longing, anger and fire, pain and sadness, lust and
hope.
It
was the color that, no matter how faint, was visible…
It
was the color she knew by heart.
It
was elemental.
It
was…Gil.
Charleston - some eight years prior…
"Um…hi. Silence. I…, I know you're not home yet, so…but I wanted to thank you for the magnolias, I… That was so kind of you! - Oh, this is Sara. I just really love magnolias you know, they really smell sooo good and are really special. - To me I…. Sorry you couldn't stay a little longer, it's really nice down here you know, and I walked around a bit today and, -after the conference, and I…I got you something at the Market, nothing big, just…it reminded me of you. Sooo, um…maybe someday we could – BEEEEP.
…get
together."
Sara hated answering machines, hated them. They never let you say what you wanted to say, and never told you what you wanted to hear – if they ever told you anything at all…
She slumped down on her squeaky, but beautiful, Planter's Inn bed and looked over to Teddy where he sat, propped against the blue glass jar, none the wiser.
It had been so perfect, so very perfect up and until this point...
…She had been a tad wistful after parting with Grissom's magnolias and seeing them float away one by one had brought a tear to her eye.
That had quickly changed to a chuckle, however, as she had come upon, or rather the other way around really, one of the many horse-drawn carriages making their rounds in and around the Battery area. The large dappled grey had taken a keen interest in her as she had started her stroll back to the hotel, although lost in thought it had taken a sudden tug on her duffle bag for her to notice.
"Gilbert, what the h… ho. HO!" The voice behind her was becoming stern and frantic, then sincerely apologetic.
"Ma'am, I am sorry, really sorry. He's usually curious'n all, but minds and is very well trained. I don't know what got into him. You okay?" The lanky gentleman jumped out from the carriage that had now finally come to a steady halt. Sara couldn't help but giggle, to the relieved surprise of the beast's master.
"Handsome fella' you got there, so he's a curious one, huh? I'm not surprised!" She looked over to the harnessed 'muscles-on-legs' a few feet away and the steed still seemed more than just a little interested in her.
"Danny," said the driver and offered his hand.
"Gilby here really likes you I reckon…which is understandable, certainly." His face a shade darker, he looked down and then over to his horse.
"Well, thank you, really, but…I think this may be why his mind wandered." Sara chucked her duffle bag and undid the zipper to reveal a messy mash of partially brown yellow apple-halves. "Don't ask, but yes; they are perfectly fine to eat – for Gilbert here anyway, he doesn't look too picky. May I?" She raised an eyebrow for emphasis, knowing that most guys had a week spot for that little quirk of hers. One in particular came to mind.
"Oh certainly Ma'am, but let's take him back to the city stables so he doesn't get any clever ideas in the future while 'on the job'. We're located right across from the Market, may we take you wherever you were going first? It is the least we can do."
"Uh, sure – yes that would be very nice, thank you. The Market sounds perfect."
Once in his stall, after having inhaled half a dozen apples faster than Sara thought possible, Gilbert inquisitively stretched his neck as far as it would go and poked his pinkish velvet muzzle out to her in an investigative fashion. Tilting his massive head slightly to the right, he plastered a big wet lick right smack across her face. Recovering from the initial surprised jump back and a quick once-over, Sara tried to suppress a foolish grin while looking Gilbert straight in the face. If only…if only!
A rather purple Danny gave the affectionate equine his worst possible scowl followed by a pluck on the nose, neither of which seemed to have been noticed by the grey giant. "Uhm, he…he, Gilbert here doesn't usually…ah, clean people either. I am beyond embarrassed and again I'm really very—"
"—That's okay, Danny. I am honored to have been the first girl he's kissed in a while!"
With a goofy grin Sara unceremoniously wiped her face with the sleeve of her shirt, thanked both Danny and Gilbert for the entertaining sojourn, grabbed her soggy duffle bag and headed on back toward the hotel via the myriad of knick-knacks the Market had to offer.
And that's when she had spotted it.
The sun was shining through it making the unique blue color come alive, and she could almost feel the butterflies in her stomach stirring. She'd seen it before, in Grissom's eyes – and he had definitely made her come alive. Oh yeah…
The old quart size cobalt blue glass jar had a two-part type lid consisting of a zinc outer rim and a square greenish copper wire mesh inner liner, and the whole jar looked like it had weathered slightly through time and use. It did have a small chip off the bottom and off the lip indicating that the tag 'Cobalt Blue Mason CFJCo IMPROVED - Bug Jar, $65,-' was probably fairly accurate for the money. Either way, it was absolutely perfect for him and she was getting it.
It was priceless.
Anno 2005
Sara's mouth pulled into a smile again; as they had after the very first time he had kissed her only a few minutes ago. He traced her smile, admiring how something so winning could have been lost for so long and still endure.
"Thank you. For being you…and for knowing me. None of which I have made very easy over the years…" His somber voice also held a trace of promise.
"No you haven't…" Sara's expression showed her as far away, thinking.
Reminiscing perhaps.
"Sara…may I come with you, wherever your thoughts have taken you?"
His eyes had fired up again, intensely searching her face for clues; afraid they had lost what headway they had just made over the last few days. With what could only be explained as desperate urgency he cupped the sides of her face and kissed her a little less lightly than he would have liked, tilting her head upward to make her look at him.
As if shaken out of her reverie, her eyes widened in response as silence settled over them once again.
She responded.
The same passion and need was evident in her as she lost herself in him for a brief moment before regaining control, carefully covering his hands with hers and guiding them from her face. Holding on just a little bit longer she cherished the firm warm feel of his hands before letting go. As she turned to walk away he moved to stop her, but she shook her head, smiled, and mouthed 'I'll be right back.'
Once in her bedroom she took one last look at Teddy where he sat resting in his usual spot up against the glass jar on her dresser. She grinned boldly as she picked him up and moved him over to her bed, placing him on the pillow next to her own.
"Time for some changes Teddy, hope you're okay with that?"
Grissom looked utterly lost, but adorably so she decided, where he stood in her living space trying not to look at nothing and everything all at once.
"—Um…hi. Obviously you're not at home, so…but I wanted to thank you for kissing me senseless. I just really…like you, you know, you are really special. - To me. I…hope you can stay a little longer, it would be really nice, and maybe we could have…dinner or something? I…got you something at the Market the other day, uh – year. Nothing big, just…it reminded me of you."
His
whole face was smiling upon recognition; mouth quivering and eyes
shimmering, as she gave him the cobalt blue bug jar she had held on
to for so long.
He
too, had been unable to forget.
"Sooo, um…maybe someday we could…get together."
"For nothing is as soothing as a lake of cobalt blue / And nothing as alluring as the two possessed by you"