Another Life

Chapter 9

Fucked. That was the one word Kurt would have chosen to describe his (second) life.

Though his eyes were closed, he couldn't stop seeing the scene from the airport so clearly.

"...I think I love you." The hope and elation on Blaine's face were clear. He was opening himself up, offering himself to the man standing before him.

But Kurt was frozen to the spot. Thoughts were racing around his head so quickly that he could hardly grab onto one coherent thought. Seconds had passed, or maybe minutes or hours, but Kurt couldn't move or speak.

Confusion clouded Blaine's expression, trying to make sense of why Kurt was just standing there. Panic struck him when he realized that he might have misread their relationship, and that maybe he was scaring Kurt off.

Kurt could see Blaine searching his eyes for some explanation, but he knew they were blank. How could they show anything when he didn't know how to feel?

Finally, Kurt's body unfroze. Before he knew what he was doing, he started backing away from the boy whose heart was breaking right in front of him. He couldn't think. Couldn't do anything.

Just before he turned and ran, he saw Blaine reach out a hand. Then everything was gone.

That hand would haunt him. It was Blaine's way of asking him not to leave, to help him understand, to please, please, please...

His phone vibrated for probably the 20th time since he had been home. Funny how he had been practically begging for a text from Blaine all weekend, and now he had 20 of them when he just wanted to be left alone.

Rachel knocked quietly on his door, and came in to find Kurt lying face up on his bed. He didn't open his eyes when she walked in. He felt the depression of the mattress as she laid down next to him, and started running her fingers through his hair comfortingly.

She didn't ask what he was going through, and for that he was grateful. He just wanted to lay there and have her comfort him.

An hour later, unmoved from his original position, he opened his mouth.

"I don't know what to do, Rachel. I'm so lost."

She snaked one arm around his waist, hugging him close. He took this as encouragement to continue.

"Blaine told me he loved me."

"That's great, Kurt! But isn't it a little soon?"

He turned his head toward her and opened his eyes. "Not for me. I've loved him my entire life."

"Then what's the matter?"

"I fucked everything up. I ran. I just don't even know what's happening to me. This whole Freaky Friday thing is bullshit. How could I have done this to him? How could I have made him love me when I could disappear tomorrow? I made him trust me and now...I shouldn't have done this. I can't hurt him like this."

"I don't think you should worry so much."

His mouth fell open. "How can you say that? This is Blaine's entire life we're talking about!"

"It's not just his life. There's one person I care about more than anyone in the whole world. And it's that person's life, too. It's Kurt's life. So trust me when I say I don't take this lightly."

Kurt gave her a questioning glance.

"It's pretty clear to me that Kurt and Blaine are meant to be together. Every version of them. When things go back to normal, there's no doubt in my mind that Kurt will adore Blaine. He's so likeable. And very, very cute!" This got a small smile out of Kurt.

"And Blaine?" He asked.

"You and my Kurt might be a little different, but there are so many things that you have in common. The important things, like your compassion, your wit, your grace, your ability to love fiercely. And I guarantee you those are the things Blaine fell in love with."

She was convincing, but he couldn't wrap his head around it. "I don't know, Rachel."

Kurt's phone went off again.

"At least answer his texts. Don't make him suffer."

"Maybe we're all meant to suffer. Maybe it's what we deserve."

"Spare me the tragedy, Shakespeare. Text him."

"I don't know what to say."

"Just let him know that you care."

Kurt nodded slightly. He owed him that much.

Blaine typed out yet another text to Kurt that would go unanswered. He felt like he was going to throw up. He had been so foolish to put himself out there like that, but he had been so sure that Kurt was on the same page. If Kurt would just let him explain...He jumped when his phone vibrated.

Kurt: I'm so sorry. I just can't. I care about you more than you know. It's better this way.

Blaine clutched the phone to his chest, a searing pain shooting through him. Kurt really was giving up.

Not for the first time that night, someone banged on his door. "Blaine! Open the fucking door. This is the last time I'm going to ask!"

"Jesus Christ, Sebastian. Hang on."

He crossed the room and unlocked his door to reveal his disgruntled roommate.

"Oh god, what happened to you?" Blaine figured he was referring to his red-rimmed eyes and look of desperation. "When you left for the airport earlier, you were skipping and whistling show tunes."

"Yeah, Well it didn't exactly go as planned." Sebastian didn't miss the sadness in his voice or the hopeful glance he threw at his phone.

Sebastian lowered himself onto Blaine's bed and gave him an anticipatory look that said he was listening.

"Up until a few days ago, I was terrified of my feelings for Kurt. You know that." Sebastian nodded in understanding. "But Kurt taught me to embrace how I felt, and to be open to it. So I acted on my feelings. I met him at the airport and I told him I loved him."

"Oh shit, Blaine. Bad call." Sebastian immediately looked like he regretted his lack of sympathy, but he wasn't about to apologize for it.

Blaine was used to tough love, though. "You're telling me. You should have seen his face. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. He couldn't even form words. This text is the first I've heard from him since." He showed his phone to Sebastian.

"This was a really, really good thing I had going, Seb. Why do I always ruin everything good in my life?" Blaine threw himself back on the bed in frustration.

"Hey. No. This is not your fault. Kurt's just a dick."

"No, you're a dick. Kurt is everything beautiful and good in this world. You read the text. He cares about me. It's definitely my fault."

A moment passed with Sebastian evaluating the situation.

"You know what? You need to forget about him. We're going to do something fun to help you get over him."

"I don't think that's-"

"We're going dancing! Come on." He pulled Blaine off the bed. "Get dressed. Fix your hair. It'll be fun. I'll find the hottest guy there and I'll even let you have him."

Blaine narrowed his eyes. "We aren't even attracted to the same type of guy."

"You're right. I'm really not into the tall, stringy ones. Still, I'll ignore my raging horniness and turn down the dozens of guys who will no doubt proposition me in order to play the role of your wingman tonight."

"How generous, Seb. But I'm not really feeling like-"

"Hush your mouth and get ready." He pushed Blaine toward the bathroom, throwing a fresh shirt after him.

And that is exactly how Blaine found himself sitting in a corner of a nightclub, sipping on a drink he didn't want, watching Sebastian pull a tall, handsome stranger toward him.

The stranger smiled and offered Blaine a new drink. "You look like you could use a pick-me-up."

Sebastian hadn't lied. He had found the best looking guy in the entire club and brought him to Blaine. The man was a few inches taller than himself, but his muscles didn't appear to be quite as toned as Kurt's. His hair was far too blond for Blaine's liking as well. He would much prefer chestnut hair slipping through his fingers as he kissed the man who it belonged to.

Damn it! He thought, cursing himself for his inability to get Kurt out of his head.

The man sat next to him. "My name is Liam."

"Blaine," he gave a polite smile.

"You're very sexy," Liam told him, looking him up and down. Blaine groaned. He couldn't do this. Liam interpreted the groan as a sign that Blaine was turned on by his words.

"I want to see that hot body in action. Shall we dance?" Liam asked, extending his hand to Blaine.

Sebastian nudged him, encouraging him to go. He sighed, knowing that it was futile to resist Sebastian when he had a plan. And his plan tonight was to get Blaine drunk enough to hook up with some guy and forget all about Kurt. He could at least pretend he appreciated Sebastian's efforts.

On the dance floor, Blaine bobbed his head to the music while the other man slithered around him. He was too close for comfort, all hands, and making Blaine tense up. In an effort to be polite, Blaine made his dance moves larger, sliding slightly away from Liam with each move.

Liam, encouraged by Blaine's seemingly more enthusiastic dancing, caught Blaine by the hips and pulled him close enough for Blaine to feel the other man's breath on his face.

Blaine tried to back away, getting irritated now, and not caring if the guy noticed.

Liam snaked his hand into Blaine's back pockets before Blaine knew what was happening.

"Whoa," he muttered, reaching for the man's wrists and removing them from his ass.

"Hey," Liam leaned in close. "It's okay. Loosen up."

Blaine saw what was coming before it happened. He caught the man's face in his hand as he leaned in for a kiss.

"Dude," he told him. "No." Blaine was about to blow off this jerk and catch a cab home. He wasn't going to deal with this. Not again.

"Come on," the guy looked disappointed, but not totally disheartened. "Everyone told me you're easy." His hands were winding their way around Blaine's hips again. Suddenly, they were standing a few feet apart, and Liam was struggling to get his balance. Blaine realized that Sebastian, who was now standing beside him, had pushed Liam away.

"No means no. He's not interested, asshole!" Sebastian yelled. The anguish in Blaine's face must have been pretty clear, because he looked to his best friend and said "C'mon, Blaine. We're leaving."

The cab ride home was silent. Blaine, feeling very much unlike himself, wished for the first time in his life that Sebastian was the comforting, touchy type. He longed for a friend to put an arm around him or hold his hand and tell him everything was going to work out between him and Kurt, and to ignore the idiotic comment the guy at the club had made. That he was more than an easy lay. That something good was coming his way.

Instead, he was forced to comfort himself with the fact that Sebastian sitting next to him and watching out for him meant that he cared, and that no matter what anyone else thought, Sebastian believed in him.

But the one person who had always seen the best in him, even when he couldn't see it himself was-He tried to force himself to stop thinking about Kurt, but it was proving to be an impossible task.

When they arrived back at their apartment, Blaine caught Sebastian's eye.

"Thanks for having my back tonight. And thanks for trying to get me to have fun. It just seems a little impossible right now." His voice caught at the word impossible.

Sebastian placed his hands on Blaine's shoulders and folded him into a hug.

Blaine was surprised at first. He could count the number of times he and Sebastian had hugged on one hand.

"I must really look like crap, huh?" He returned the hug and felt Sebastian shake with a small laugh.

"Absolute shit." He pulled back, his voice softening. "You really love him, don't you?"

Blaine nodded. "I know it happened fast. I can't really explain it. It's just like...you know those moments when you feel like something important is happening, and you know that whatever it is, it's something much bigger than you? That's the feeling I get every single time I look at Kurt."

"That's deep, man. Go put that energy to good use. Write a song." Though his words may have had a joking edge to them, Sebastian had caring and a new glint of determination in his eyes.

Blaine nodded, smiling at his best friend. He might not have been a softie, but he understood Blaine, and could always make him feel better.

He retreated to his bedroom, and heeded Sebastian's words, putting pen to paper. But what came out wasn't a song.

Walking around the city, Kurt had drafted dozens of speeches to Blaine in his head, each one sounding more painful and confusing than the last.

There wasn't exactly a good way to say "I can't ever see you again because I'm going to be replaced with someone who might have no clue who you are, but I can't tell you why." But Blaine deserved an explanation, and Kurt was determined to give one to him.

He rounded the corner to head back to his apartment. When he originally made the wish, he had been hoping for clarity, to know that he was the best person he could be. But all he found was confusion. He now had more questions than before. The biggest and scariest of them all being: What will happen next? He was trying to keep it together, but he was scared to death of the possibility that his life would never be the same.

He had been so wrapped up in his thoughts that Kurt hadn't noticed the shadowy figure lurking by the entrance to his building.

"Sebastian," he acknowledged, hiding his surprise. "To what do I owe this displeasure?"

Sebastian pushed off the wall he had been leaning against and stood before Kurt. "You look awful."

Kurt wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He hadn't realized he'd been crying again. "Yet I still look better than you."

"In your dreams. I'm here about Blaine."

"Is he all right?" Kurt's pitch rose with his anxiety.

"What do you care? You'll be lucky if I ever let you so much as think about him again."

"That's why you came? To threaten me?"

Sebastian shook his head, deflating a little. "No. I came to give this to you." He held out an envelope. "He doesn't know I took it, but...you need to know how he feels. He thinks you leaving is his fault. I told him it's because you are an asshole, but for some reason, he wants to believe the best in you."

Kurt stared at the envelope. "He...he what? H-how is he?"

"Not well. But when he was with you, he was the happiest I'd seen him in years. You were able to accomplish something that I haven't been able to do in a half decade of friendship. You were able to prove to Blaine that he was worth something." Sebastian appraised Kurt. "I can see it in your expression how much he means to you. So there better be a damn good explanation for the pain you're causing him."

"There is. I promise there is," Kurt whispered through clenched teeth.

"Do me a favor. My number is on that envelope. Read the letter, and then let me know if you still think your reason is worth it."

Kurt tried locking himself away in his bedroom first. But the memories it held for him from his old life were too strong. The painting on the wall that Blaine had added to with a sharpie, the rug that he had argued about with Blaine, both deciding to forego a rug entirely because they couldn't agree, and the bed, for obvious reasons.

So he shut himself in the bathroom next, but memories of rubbing Blaine's back as he got sick into the toilet, of styling Blaine's hair in front of the vanity, of he and Blaine on the counter, in the shower, up against the wall, flooded his mind.

He tried the kitchen, the living room, on top of the washing machine, and finally settled on the dark, back corner of Rachel's closet. Thankfully she wasn't home.

His hands were shaking so hard that he could barely get the letter out of the envelope. He took a deep breath and began to read.

Dear Kurt,

There are a few things I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for, and one of those things is ruining our relationship. I know that getting through to me wasn't easy, but now you're here and I don't want you to leave, yet I can't seem to say the right thing to make you stay. I didn't get a chance to explain myself to you the other night, so please, allow me that chance now. If you still don't want me after reading this, I'll have to accept that. But if this letter can in any way change your mind, I'll be awaiting you with open arms.

My entire life I've felt like I wasn't enough. Not cool enough to hang out with Cooper and his friends. Not talented enough to get into a performing arts school. Not straight enough for my parents to love me. Not a good enough son to keep them from abandoning me. Not strong enough to avoid getting sexually assaulted by someone I called a friend. Not good enough for anyone to want more than a physical relationship with me. And then you came into my life. And surely, I wasn't good enough for you to want me. Surely, I could have lived a hundred lifetimes being as good and compassionate and selfless as I could be and still not be enough to deserve you. But somehow you let me in. Gave me a chance. And little by little, I started to see.

They say people can't change. I guess I still don't know whether or not that's true, because you didn't change me. What you did was so much more meaningful than that. You saw me, Kurt. You saw the best in me. The part I'd only caught fleeting glimpses of. In your eyes, I saw myself for who I dreamed to be. I saw a man who could do anything, be anything, feel anything. And I started to believe that I was that man. The one who could actually deserve someone like you. I am not sure where your unending faith in me came from, but it was enough to overpower my deep-seated sense of unworthiness, and I will never, never be able to tell you what that means to me.

I may be sorry for blurting out those three little words at what appears to have been the wrong time, but I am not sorry that I feel that way. If I was given the chance to give up our time together in exchange for all of the money or success I could ever want, I would easily say no. Because the time we spent together taught me an invaluable lesson: how to love myself and let myself be loved. And I would not trade that for the world.

I truly believe that we complement one another, that we make each other better. I've never met someone quite like you, Kurt, but I think you're what I've been searching for all along. You strengthen me, you push me, you understand me. I can only hope that I bring to you a fraction of what you've given me. Please, let me try.

I love you,

Blaine

The words Kurt had been crafting into a speech to give Blaine suddenly came into sharp focus.

Kurt jabbed at his phone, hoping he was pushing the correct buttons through blurry, tear-filled eyes.

"Hello?" A voice answered.

"I need your help, Sebastian."

Author's Note: Shoutout to my faithful followers! Your reviews make me smile. I love reading about your take on the story! Thank you for bringing a little extra joy to my life. (: