Guilty
Title: Guilty
Author: MYBIGBLUEBOX
Series: C.S.I.
Rating: M
Genre: angst/comfort
Spoilers: none
Characters: Gil Grissom, Sara Sidle, Catherine Willows, Nick Stokes and Conrad Ecklie.
Disclaimer: God knows how many times you've all read these disclaimers but I'm going to say it all again just coz. I don't own these characters they are all property of channel 5, CBS productions and the writer.
Summary: After Ecklie's confession Gil is traumatised by the fact HE may have caused Sara's rape.
Dedications: Everyone who's read anything I've done over the years and gave their constructive criticism.
Warnings: very violent and a strong reference to rape. Bad language and despair. Explores the feelings of rape victims so please mind the rating, if you are affected by any of these subjects.
csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi
Gil Grissom's POV
Deep light swallows my dreams as sunlight pours into my room. She's had such a hard night. She must have woken at least six times that I know of. She'd never wake me, leaving me to my dreams. I'd feel her tears or hear her crying and wake to comfort her. My hand moves down her arm, feeling the puckered flesh and ugly stitching it sports. Cath is coming over in an hour with Ecklie's tape, his confession. Nick will sit with Sara, there's no way I'm going to let her listen to that. I stroke her hair and tighten my grip on her protectively. She is so fragile, so tiny I'm terrified she might break. Then I remember she's already broken, in every possible way. She moves under my protective grasp. Shaking off the cobwebs of dreams. Her eyes are unfocused in the dim light of the early morning. She smiles at me, but it's not the same. Not that big Sara smile I love. As much as it makes me happy to see her smile at last, it makes me sad, it doesn't hold the same light it did before. Suddenly her face contracts in pain. Warm liquid seeps into my clothes, blood.
'Ah shit!' she shouts. A few tears of pain escape her eyes. I pull her up into a sitting position and gently move her shirt out of the way. Her stitches have come out, I know how stupid it sounds but I'm glad it's not anything too serious. Still my stomach seems to contract at the sight of her blood. She'll need to go back to the hospital and get re-stitched. I catch her eye and get a glimpse of fear hidden behind them. As much as I don't want to leave her, Nick is going to have to go with her to the hospital. I've got to hear that tape.
csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi
Sara's POV
I'm bleeding all over Grissom's beautiful sheets and his shirt. I hate doing this to him. He's been so good to me and all I seem to do is make more work for him. He never seems to care how much mess I make physically or emotionally, he always stays with me and never complains. It feels so surreal to me. I always loved him but lately I felt that I could get on with my life. Maybe I could find someone who loved me as much as I loved him, maybe, but now it's all changed. After what happened two nights ago, I love him more than ever. Now when I'm bleeding everywhere he doesn't just pack me off in an ambulance. He gently cleans my gaping wound and places a piece of gauze over it. My heart jumps as he places a light kiss to my temple. Our eyes meet and hold for what seems like a life time before the doorbell rings, making us jump. Grissom leaves me cuddled up in his blankets before going to answer the door.
csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi
Catherine's POV
To say that Grissom looked ruffled was an understatement. I would have laughed at his appearance if I couldn't feel the tape of Conrad's confession cold against my palm. I feel Nick's hand take mine and squeeze it gently before moving forward and shaking Grissom's hand
'Hey Griss how's she doing?'
'She's o.k. Nicky I need you to take her to the hospital. Her stitching came out in her sleep.' I look Griss over and notice the large blood stain covering his side. I can see Nick's worried eyes sweep over Grissom's apartment, I'm not the only one to notice.
'You can go in and see her if you like. she's in the bedroom.' Nick shots past us both and disappears down Grissom's corridor. I put out a hand and lay it on Grissom's shoulder. I wanted him to know I'm here for him.
'You sure you wanna hear this?' I've got to ask, I mean I'm not sure Grissom even wants to hear his own voice right now. he nods slowly, I'm not convinced but it's his decision. As Griss closes the door on the outside world I can't help but think that after hearing this, he might close that door on the world, on Sara for good.
csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi
Sara's POV
The sliding doors to the local hospital slide open and the harsh smell of disinfectant hits my nostrils and sends my mind reeling. A thousand memories hit me all at once, making me gasp. I can feel Nicky's hand is hard against my lower back. It's a comfort and a hindrance to have him here. I want Grissom, God I want him to be Grissom so bad. A short, burly nurse ushers me into a cubicle and persists in asking me senseless questions. I'm so tired I just want to go home. It's funny, I've only been at Grissom's one night and I already think of it as my home. It's the only place I feel safe now, except when I sleep. Sleep sounds so good. God look at the size of that needle she's got, this is going to hurt. I grasp Nick's hand tight and squeeze my eyes shut.
csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi
Grissom's POV
Oh God! This is all my fault. Conrad did this because of me, it's all because of me. Oh God! I feel Cath's hand on my shoulder and I lift my head from it's safe cradle in my hands. I can't believe this is happening.
'Gil?... Gil, don't you dare blame yourself for this. It is NOT your fault.' I hear what she's saying and I want to believe her, I really do, but I heard it for myself, it's all because of me.
'Gil?... Don't do this, not now. Please, don't do this to yourself, to Sara. Do you hear me?... Gil?' Just as I open my mouth to answer her the door opens and Sara practically runs inside followed at the heels by Nick. She sits herself down gently next to me, holding her new stitching with one hand. I don't move towards her, I think about last night, I think about her apartment, I think about her battered body and I can't bring myself to touch her, I KNOW it's my fault. I have no right to touch her. I can feel her eyes bore into me searing my very soul. God I feel so guilty. The front door closes almost silently and I am left alone with my guilt, I almost forget Sara is sitting next to me.
'Griss?' her small, anxious voice grates on me and makes my feelings red raw.
'Griss?... What's wrong? Please talk to me.' I can't answer her, can't even look at her.
'I've been so stupid.' I don't even look at her when I say it but instantly I feel the hurt radiate off her.
'You think it was a stupid mistake to take me in? Is that what your trying to say? All I wanted was you Grissom, I hated you for all the times you've made me believe we had something. I thought that after what Eck.. Ecklie did to me that we might actually have something real. Now you want me out!' This is all so wrong, she's got it all wrong.
'Sara...'
'Save it Grissom.' Her whole body seems to shake, give up. I can see the tears swimming in her eyes, she swipes at them angrily. I've got to stop this, I don't want to hurt her anymore. Maybe it's already too late.
The bedroom doors slams in my face just as I get to it, I hear the dead bolt slide into place. Damn it! I've lost her, I know it, I've lost her for good.
csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi
Nick's POV
I don't think I've ever seen Cath so upset or Grissom so, detached from reality. Sara couldn't wait to get back to him. Soon as the nurse was done she snatched up her stuff and practically ran for the hills. It's no surprise to anyone that she chose Griss to take care of her after what, HE did. Bastard. There is still an unhealthy look about her, especially when she left the apartment, shrinks into herself. When we got back it was so easy to see that all she wanted was a cuddle, she deserves one to. He didn't even touch her, didn't look at her, it's got to be one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Damn Ecklie for this! I frowned at Cath, she stood and we left them to sort out their differences.
'What's goin' on Catherine?' She sighs deeply and rubs her palms across her eyes.
'Griss heard the tape, he thinks it's all his fault. He's so eaten up with guilt, my God Nick what if this is it for them?' She looks up at me mirroring my own worried expression. I take her hand and squeeze it gently and say:
'It'll be alright Cath.' I don't expect her to believe me, I don't even believe it myself.
csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi
Ecklie's POV
What wouldn't I give for a taste of Sara now? I hope Grissom is suitably unhappy with my confession. It's all he deserves, he KNOWS it's all him. I give it... two hours at most before he can't stand it anymore and pushes her out. I'll be waiting, desperate times call for desperate measures, can't be that hard to get out of here. I can't wait to see you again Sara, here I come, I'm coming just for you Sara. Can't get her out of my head.
Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara, Sara,
csicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsicsi
O.k. here it is next chapter up and running. Sorry about the last chapter, my proof reader didn't get back to me so I posted it as it was. I WILL have a happy ending don't worry, this chapters a little darker than the rest of them, if that's possible. This is not the end for Grissom and Sara. Thanks for reading. Please review, I'd love to get 70 reviews by the end of this chapter, I do accept anonymous reviews.
thanks to my old faithful reviewers:
Dakota Bob,
crzygrl,
Veronica 10,
CSIfan3,
figersnap,
Allie09.
LAUREN: Thank you for proof reading this piece. Also a big thank you to anyone who has proof read for me at some time.
Thanks so much guys your faithful reviews make it all worth while. Thanks to everyone else who has taken the time to review I love getting them. Thanks for following my work.