Keeping It Together
Title: Keeping It Together
Author: MYBIGBLUEBOX
Series: C.S.I.
Rating: M
Genre: angst/comfort
Spoilers: none
Characters: Gil Grissom, Sara Sidle.
Disclaimer: God knows how many times you've all read these disclaimers but I'm going to say it all again just coz. I don't own these characters they are all property of channel 5, CBS productions and the writer.
Summary: Grissom finally realises what he feels for Sara. Is it too late for them?
Dedications: Everyone who's read anything I've done over the years and gave their constructive criticism.
Warnings: very violent and a strong reference to rape. Bad language and despair. Explores the feelings of rape victims so please mind the rating, if you are affected by any of these subjects.
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Sara's POV
I can't believe it. All I wanted was him, I thought maybe he wanted me to. I was wrong. I wince as I sniff harshly trying to maintain some from of my control. I remember the way he felt when he hugged m, the sweet smell of aftershave mingled with that totally Grissom odour and my fight for control gets that little bit harder. It feels so surreal stuffing all of my possessions in my black canvas bag, moving out of Grissom's life after just two days in it, I remind myself it's always been this way. To have him so close, just to have him pulled away again. I can't take it anymore. My heart is screaming at me to open the door, talk it out, my mind tells me to pack up and leave well alone, in my experience you ALWAYS follow your mind. Sitting down on the soft bed that is still lying unmade, I hold my aching head in my hands. Where am I supposed to go? How am I supposed to deal with this? Maybe I need him more than I thought. My mind is brought abruptly back from it's wanderings by a gentle rapping on the door.
'Sara?... Please open the door...Sara?' His muffled voice fills me with a deep sorrow, and desire to fling open that meagre piece of wood that keeps us apart. I've only left his side for four hours and yet the huge empty space inside me is overwhelming. I can't do this alone.
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Grissom's POV
'I'm sorry Griss, I-I just c-can't do this. Y-you can't do this. It's not fair...not fair to ask you to keep doing this for me.' It's funny how you can't choose your memories. It would be nice if I could, but I can't. I remember her face, her eyes, her words. I remember the way the door slammed shut on me just over four hours ago, and yet I still haven't moved from my vegetative spot on the couch. Every single fibre of my physical form is screaming at my idiotic emotional defence mechanisms to go the hell over there and brake the door in. I cover my face with my hands, trying desperately to decide what to do. Another memory flashes in front of my eyes.
'Don't leave me alone.'
'I won't honey I swear.' I promised her, I promised her that I'd be here for her, and I'm not, at least not at this moment. I stand with shaking legs I cross the hardwood floor to my bedroom door.
'Sara?... Please open the door...Sara?' I plaster my ear to the door listening for anything that will tell me what she's going to do next. Silence hits my ear drums like a fog horn. I back away slowly trying desperately to think of something, anything. Then I get it, I know what I have to do.
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Sara's POV
I knew I should stop being so childish and just open the God damn door, but I always was a stubborn bitch. I hear a light crackling noise, like paper being folded. I lift my head, my eye brows knotting together in confusion. A white slip of paper slips under the door. I watch as the shadows of Grissom's feet move away before reaching over to pick up my note.
Sara,
I should have told you from the start, now that I face losing you for good I have to tell you what has been burning in my mind since the day we first met. I never EVER meant to hurt you and all I can hope for is that you will give me another chance. Will you forgive me Sara? I love you, I loved you way back in San-Francisco and I love you even more now. Please open the door, forgive me.
Grissom
I think my heart just stopped. Tears of happiness roll down my cheeks, it's all I ever dreamed of and now I have it I don't really know what to do with it. I walk over to the door and with shaking hands unbolt the door. I can see him even from here, his head in his hands, I want so badly to go over there and hug him. With a hammering heart I gently sit myself next to him. His head flies up when I touch his shoulder. There is so much that needs to be said, I don't know what to say.
'Sara, I don't know what to say... I guess, I'm sorry would be the best place to start. I never want to hurt you. I- I love you.' Haring him say it makes all the difference in the world. I thought that having him write those words to me was going to be enough, but as soon as I saw them I wanted more. He's looking at me, he wants me to say something, I want me to say something, but I'm speechless. Our eyes are locked together, before I know what I'm doing, I'm kissing him gently on the mouth, full on. It's slow an gentle, the way I need it. I want this to last forever, my heart is racing in my chest as I feel his lips slowly run over mine. All too soon his hands are on my hips, running down my thighs and the flash backs start. Suddenly Grissom's hands do not belong to him anymore, Ecklie is here, he's all over me. I pull back as if I have been burned. Something must be showing in my face because Grissom's hand reaches out through the dark memories and touches my face gently.
'Sara, it's o.k. honey I'm not going to hurt you.' He's so quiet and so gentle I feel the tears well up again against my better judgment.
'I know Grissom, I-I just need some time, o.k.?' I know my voice is breaking, I look like the grim reaper's twin and I'm a nervous wreck but Grissom is still here, why is he still here? You know what, it doesn't matter, now I know he's not going to leave me. He loves me, it still sounds strange even in my mind.
'Honey you take all the time you need, I promise you, I'm not going anywhere, I won't leave you alone.' Hearing him promise for the third time turns the butterflies in my stomach into gentle fluttering. I'm not nervous of him anymore, I'm not scared of him anymore, he's everything. He's made me realise Ecklie hasn't won me yet.
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Grissom's POV
I can't believe I told her how I feel. I don't regret it like I always thought I would, it's the best decision I've ever made. To be able to sit with her curdled up on the couch watching some T.V. neither of us is really watching is incredibly domestic. Funnily enough though I don't care. She barley wake, I sneak a look at her every few minuets just to check that she's really here. I love her, I really do and for Gilbert Grissom that's really something. I settle back feeling more contented then I ever have done in years, it's something about the feel of her under my protective grasp that just feels right. Suddenly my cell rings disrupting the perfect peace, it's Catherine.
'Gil? How are you and Sara? You didn't say something stupid did you?' I'm trying so hard not to be offended.
'We're fine Cath. What's up?'
'It's Ecklie, we set a trial date and were about to send him over to a more secure unit and, well... he escaped.' I can't believe this won't that bastard EVER go away?!
'Cath, I need you to find him, before Sara finds out, I don't want to tell her unless I have to.'
'O.k. Gil, watch your back.'
'Thanks Cath, I'll get back to you later.' This can't be happening, it's a good thing Sara fell asleep just as I picked up the phone. This is going to cause some fireworks.
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O.k. so there we go, little fluffy chapter for you, I know we all wanted some healing. Sorry that it's taken so long to update I've been waiting on my proof reader who unfortunately didn't get back to me this time around so there may well be several mistakes, sorry!!! Don't worry Ecklie won't rear his ugly head for at least another chappy yet. I want to have a break from angst for a while. Please review and keep reading!!