Hello all. I would like to thank Remember Ember, rainystv and big fan (Guest) for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all amazing.
So here is another chapter, I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
Castiel stood at the window of his hospital room and looked out. It had been five months, 2 weeks, and 3 days since he had woken up in this room with no knowledge of who he was. Since then he had remembered three solid, concrete things. First his name was Castiel, just that, no last name, just Castiel. Second he had an older brother called Gabriel who loved him and cared about him. And third, Dean. The green-eyed man of his dreams who he loved to the very depth of his soul.
He believed that he and Dean were in a relationship, or had been at any rate, and that something happened, something that worried his brother enough to speak to him of it. And then there was the tall man who appeared so many times but he still did not know. He still did not understand where he fit into the picture of his life. Though he was seen most regularly in the memories of Dean and as such Castiel had started to associate him with that man, somehow.
But that was it. In all this time that was all he had learnt. He knew he should try to find out about himself, get Anna to help him find those who loved him who would help fill in the blanks, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Though he didn't know why, it was most frustrating. With a growl at his own idiosyncrasy he turned from the window and ran his hand through his hair, making the messy mop stick up even worse. Not that he cared. His appearance was of no consequence to him. With a sigh he sat back on his bed and his mind turned back to the idea of finding out who he truly was by more conventional means. Surely if his memories were going to return they would have done it by now.
Before he could fall into another despondent mood there was a knock on his open door, looking up, he saw Anna standing there, her usual sunny smile upon her lips as she looked at him.
"Castiel, how are you feeling today?" She asked brightly.
"Frustrated. You?" Castiel replied with a wiry smile of his own. Anna was the only one he was completely honest with here, she was the only one he truly trusted. But even with her he had not told everything. He had said nothing about Dean, though he wasn't sure why. No, that was a lie, he knew why. He knew if she thought there was someone out there who loved him and was waiting for him to come home she would make him find them. And he would weaken and let her, but he wasn't ready for that yet, he just... he wasn't. And he didn't know why.
"Well, I was thinking, how would you like to come round my place and watch a movie?" Anna asked hoping to pull Castiel out of his thoughts.
"Very well. What is it we will be watching?" Castiel asked standing and picking up his trench coat. He and Anna had gone and brought him some clothes of his own, but he still loved this coat which had once belonged to her father, he didn't know why.
"Star Wars, episode four." Anna replied as they walked out of his room and out of the hospital.
"Why are we starting with number four? Surely we should start with number one." Castiel replied with a frown. He didn't want to start in the middle and have no idea what was happening, but at his words Anna just laughed and told him that he would understand, eventually. With that he just shruged. It didn't really matter what the movie was, as long as it took his mind of his thoughts it would be a blessing.
And so they watched the movie sitting on Anna's old couch in her apartment and Castiel had enjoyed it. He turned to Anna to say as much only to find her very close. Far to close and her face was coming closer. With his eyes widening in alarm Castiel realised that she was going to try to kiss him, and he couldn't do that. No.
With that he stood quickly and walked to the other side of the room by the window and just stood there with his eyes wide looking at her.
"I take it that your not interested in me like that then." Anna said, her cheeks colouring as she realised she had just made a fool of herself.
"I'm sorry Anna, I just... its just... your not my type, sorry." Castiel stammer out. He had no idea what to do in this situation.
"So what is your type Castiel?" Anna asked with forced cheerfulness. It wasn't nice to be told you weren't pretty enough from a cute guy.
"Dirty blonde hair, green eyes, male." Castiel answered knowing he had to tell her about Dean now.
"Oh." Anna replied and suddenly everything made so much more sense. Castiel was gay. "Any name to go with that description?" She asked a genuine smile on her lips this time, it wasn't she wasn't pretty enough, it was that she was the wrong sex. And that she could life with easily.
"Dean." Castiel breathed into the room. He hadn't said his name aloud since he had woken and it felt like a burden had fallen from his shoulders as his lips made the shape of the word. Of his name.
"Then why are you still here with me and not there with him?" Anna asked genuinely confused by this now.
"I don't know. I know I love him, and I believe he loves me too, but, it feels like there is still a piece of the puzzle I'm missing. And until I find it I can't go. Does that make sense?" Castiel asked leaning back against the wall and staring off into space as he tried to put into words what was going on in his head.
"Not really, but then I know who I am." Anna replied gently. She couldn't understand what he was saying, but she was his friend and she would support him.
"Yes, I imagine it would help if I knew that to." Castiel answered with a humourless laugh at his own stubbornness.
"I can answer that one if you like." Anna ventured to say making Castiel's gaze swing to her with puzzlement in its depths.
"What do you mean?" He asked confused.
"Well, I looked up brothers called Gabriel and Castiel. I only found one match." Anna answered after taking a deep breath. It was time to tell Castiel what she had done, and what she had found. If he wanted to know.
"Who am I then?" Castiel asked carefully. He still wasn't sure if he wanted the answer to that question, or if knowing would make any difference. But now that Anna had done the search and got the information, he wanted it too.
"Castiel Novak, you grew up in Sioux Falls, South Dakota and then moved to California where you attended Stanford. You are now a professor at that college in ancient history, or I should say were. You were missing presumed dead when they found the wreck of you boat a week after you went missing. Your brother gave you a very nice funeral in your home town, he runs the family business since your father retired. You are buried in your family plot. Or at least a coffin is with a headstone engraved with your name." Anna reeled off, frowning when she realised that maybe she shouldn't have told him all of that. Or at least, maybe not in one go.
"The Novak's have a family plot?" Castiel asked with the raise of an eyebrow. Just who was his family?
"The Novak's have a lot of things Castiel. You come from an extremely rich family." Anna explained. It was strange saying that. Wasn't something you usually had to tell people.
"Good to know they looked for me for all of a week then." Castiel replied bitterly running his hand through his hair once more. Surely if they had that much money they would still be looking.
"Castiel." Anna replied, she wasn't sure what else to say to the man.
"I know, I sorry, but that's a lot to take in. At least their not in the limbo thinking me still missing. At least they had had a chance to move on." Castiel replied after taking a deep breath. He didn't know those people, his family, who was he to say that they hadn't done the right thing for them?
"But they don't have to. I have contact information for your brother, you could-" Anna suggested getting up and moving to her desk where she had kept the information in the hopes that Castiel would ask for it one day.
"No Anna, not yet. I'm not ready to face that yet. Especially not if what you say is true. No I'll stay here until I know, until I know what it is that makes my heart still on occasion." Castiel replied without a shadow of a doubt in his mind, making Anna stop in her tracks. She just turned and looked at him. She didn't understand why he didn't want to see his family. From the pictures she had found on the internet and the grief pages on social media he was a well loved man. His family and friends were probably going through hell. But then, he didn't know them did he? To him they were just names on a page. The only person he knew to any degree was himself. And it was for himself that he needed to stay away.
"Oh Castiel." She finally whispered wishing she could wave a magic wand and give him all his memories back and return him to his life. If only...
"Don't worry about me Anna. Now is there more of these movies, I think I would like to see another one." Castiel said changing the conversation decisively. At least now, if he wished to, he knew where to start his search for Dean.
And with that Anna nodded and put on episode five, not that Castiel paid much attention to it, he was thinking over all Anna had just told him, trying to work out where that fitted into his memories. It made sense with the things he remembered of his childhood, looking at them now it did seem he had everything he could ever want. Though looking at Dean it seemed that man he loved had not been so fortunate. Was that the worry Gabriel had? That Dean was not as affluent as they were? No, that didn't seem right to him. Something was still missing.