Hello again. Another shortish chapter, but I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
Castiel was once again sitting on the beach watching the waves. He had come to terms with the facts that Anna had told him a month ago and now he was feeling rather okay with himself. He still had no new memories, but he hoped that today would be a good one. For the first time in a while he had stopped obsessing over himself and Dean and decided that today he would just be. With that thought he lay down and looked up at the clouds racing across the sky feeling the breeze rush across his body. With a smile he closed his eyes. As soon as he did the memories rushed into his mind.
He was young, 15 or 16 maybe, but he was lying down looking up at the sky as he was now, but it was so different from the beach and the clouds. There was grass beneath him and stars in the sky, and beside him was Dean. The boy he loved. With a smile he reached over without thought, taking the other boys hand in his. Yes this was perfect. This was how it should always be. But then suddenly it cracked, his dreams became just a flicker in his mind as Dean pulled his hand away. He didn't say anything and of that Castiel was glad. He did not want lose Dean's friendship for making such a stupid mistake. It was obvious to him now that he had crossed some line that Dean would not allow to be crossed. he would remember that and never cross it again.
The memory changed then, he was talking to the tall boy as they walked around a school.
"So Sam, how was your history test?" He asked with genuine interest.
"Great thanks to your help Cas." Replied the boy, Sam, who was probably about 13 years old now.
"That's good." he had smiled at the younger boy, proud of him. He had then looked up to see Dean leaning against some type of black car, but he hadn't been alone. In his arms was a pert little blonde cheerleader, and as he watched Castiel saw Dean lower his head and give the girl a deep passionate kiss. It felt like someone had stabbed him through the heart. He couldn't breathe.
"Urgh, do that in private would you, you jerk." Sam shouted in disgust at Deans behaviour.
At the sound of the younger boy's voice Deans stopped kissing the girl.
"Get used to it little bro. Don't be a bitch." He replied laughing, then he turned his eyes to Castiel and they seemed to light up that little bit more.
"Hey Cas, didn't know you would be here today." Dean said as if seeing him was the best part of the day so far.
"I had a free period and thought I would see how Sam did in his test." Castiel replied forcing words out of his mouth and past the pain, forcing a smile to his lips as he looked at the boy he loved with his arms around someone else. And not just anyone else, a girl.
"You crazy dorks. You'll be the death of me. Want a lift?" Dean asked cheerily as the girl he was holding was trying to reclaim his attention from the strange boy she did not know.
"No, that's fine." Castiel could not get into the car with Dean and the girl. He just couldn't sit there and watch them together, it would hurt too much. And so with that Castiel watched as Dean put the girl in the front seat of his car and Sam clambered into the back. And With a wave to him they drove off leaving Castiel standing alone.
And then part of the conversation he had had with his brother that he hadn't remembered came to him. Just one sentence spoken in his brother kind voice that smashed all he believed into smithereens.
"The fact that you love him and he doesn't feel the same for you."
Castiel's eyes flew open and he found that he could barely breathe. Dean didn't love him, he had never loved him. Castiel had made castles of sand in his mind about this man and it was all a lie. Dean was his friend nothing more. That was the piece that had been missing. The piece he had refused to see. There was no him and Dean, there never had been and never would be. He was alone. At that Castiel broke. Tears streaming down his cheeks and he was glad there was no one around to see him like this.
Of course it was at that precise moment that Anna appeared. Taking one look at Castiel she took the broken man into her arms and held him tight. She had no idea what he had remembered but it was obvious that it was breaking him.
"Dean doesn't love me Anna, he never did." Castiel managed to get out through the tears and with those words Anna closed her own eyes and pulled him closer. She knew how much Dean had meet to Castiel. And she knew how much pain he must be in right now. All she could do was hold him as he cider and give him any comfort she could, though she knew it was very little indeed. Dean had been the only thing Castiel had known from the minute he awoke, to find that he hadn't truly known him at all must be shattering.