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I spent hours in Eve and Ma Petite's trailer crying over what happened with Paul. I felt bad that I was crowding their space and bothering them but they said not to worry. I was of no bother they said and that Paul would come to his senses quickly and all would be forgiven.
That was a week ago.
Paul and I were still not speaking.
For awhile every time I looked at him or for a few times caught him staring at me my chest compacted in pain and heartache. But then after a few days I became angry and rather annoyed. I had done nothing wrong, it was Paul who flew off the handle. It was Paul who said hurtful things to me and then just walked away.
Now I fear I was becoming resentful of him and feeling stupid at myself for letting someone in and they turn around and hurt me. I had suffered through much pain in my short life and I did not want or need anymore of it.
The only thing keeping my mind occupied was setting up for a holiday known as "Halloween", or "All Hallows Eve" that is celebrated in America. Eve and Miss Ethel tried explaining it to me but it did not make much sense at all. We needed to decorate everything in orange and black colors, and there were a lot of witches, mummies, black cats, ghosts etc. And children go door to door dressed up and receive free candy.
To me it seemed foolish to believe in scary witches and black cats and fake frightening monsters.
When the real monsters are alive and out in the real world, just waiting to strike. I have come face to face with real monsters and in all fairness Halloween did not scare me like it was supposed too.
Though the day of Halloween, standing in the main tent everyone seemed to be having a good time...even Paul. Yet a celebration like this only reminded me of the fact that I was a stranger in this land. Unknown to their customs and traditions. Maybe that is why I was standing alone and reserved, away from everyone as they had fun.
Jimmy came up next to me, "You okay?"
Shrugging my shoulders I caught a brief glance at Paul who was trying to get the twins involved in apple bobbing, a game which did not make any sense to me whatsoever.
Jimmy caught my stare at Paul, "He'll come around. He is just stubborn that's all. Paul cares about you."
"Well what he said to me did not sound like he cared about me at all." A harshness in my reply as I looked away.
There was a pause, "You not gunna to join in on the fun?" Jimmy asked me.
I shook my head, "No, Halloween is strange to me. It is not my custom to celebrate, it only reminds me that I am a stranger in America. It makes me long for the traditions of my own country." My voice strained as I swallowed the emotion in my throat.
"What did you guys do back home? Anything like this?" He asked taking a seat and I took one next to him as we watched the others. Meep was running around playing with a balloon and it brought a small smile to my face.
"Sort of. The spiritual part Halloween that appears to be accustomed to this day is something similar to what we do in Lithuania but our celebration is called All Saints Day and All Souls Day. It lasts two days spanning from November 1st to November 2nd." Telling him.
"Sounds interesting." Jimmy mused interested.
"It is, but it is very different than all this." Gesturing to the room of fun and games, "The days are peaceful, quiet, and reflective over the ones we have lost. People go out the cemeteries and put lit candles on the tombs and headstones of loved ones. They also do it on unvisited tombstones, people reflect and say prayers in the belief that this will keep the link between the living and the dead. On All Souls Day the souls come home for a short while."
The grief suddenly hit me like a wall. Unexpected and unknowing leaving you always frightened that it could happen so suddenly at any moment just from talking or thinking about one thing.
I hated when the grief came unexpectedly.
My throat suddenly became dry and tight. A heated warmth spread throughout my body and hot tears sprung to my eyes as I clutched my chest for air.
"Lina?" Jimmy rose from his chair questioned me with concern.
"I cannot breathe." My chest heaved in short bursts of air as my lungs screamed for more oxygen.
Jimmy crouched down and brought his cool hand to warm cheek as I tried to focus but it was a losing battle. The grief was threatening to consume me.
I sprang from my seat catching the attention of some of the others. "Excuse me." Flustering my words as I ran from the tent and did not stop til I was sitting on a log in the grass clearing sobbing my chest out.
I did not have a tombstone to visit or any candles to light. Like so many others from the War I had nothing to mourn the loss of my loved ones. Nothing but a gaping hole within ones body always threatening to swallow you whole.
My family like many others were buried in mass graves, or left out to rot til they were nothing but bones. Or even worse were taken to the crematorium and turned into ash.
The last thought brought my hand to my mouth as I tried to push down the bile rising from my stomach.
I would never be able to bury my papa and mama in graves of their own. I would never visit them in Lithuania and light candles for them. Causing me to sob til it felt like I had nothing left in me.
"Madalina?" A voice sounded softly behind me, one I knew all too well. Yet I was in no state to deal with him.
"What Paul?" Grumbling at him as I wiped the tears off my face.
"I just came to see if you were okay?"
Rising off of the log the fury that had been lying dormant inside of me started to fuel, "Okay? Okay? You want to know if I am okay! Paul you have not spoken to me in a week, you have been avoiding me like the plague. All because you were mad that I had dinner with Thomas." Shouting at him.
"Fine I won't ever inquire about you again if that's what you fancy!" Paul yelled turning his back on me.
"That is right just walk away again!" Screeching at him.
Paul turned back around.
"You know when I came to Jupiter and I met everyone here never did I once think you would be the one to turn your back on me." Icily telling him.
Moments passed, nothing was said but our eyes were locked in a vicious battle for control.
"This time I will be the one to walk away from you." Hissing at him I stomped away from him and did not look back.
When I got back to the tent everyone was still celebrating.
"Should we not be preparing for the show?" I asked Jimmy. For some reason the whole room became quiet.
"The show?" Suzi questioned me staring at me like I was the one in the room with two heads.
"It's Halloween." Eve blanched as if I were an idiot.
"So?" Dot asked.
"No freak performs on Halloween. Any idiot knows that." Miss Ethel came into the tent explaining to me and her tone of voice did make me feel slightly moronic. She sat down at the table and began pouring herself a drink. My eyes went wide as I looked to Jimmy who was doing the same. Miss Ethel never drank. Ever. And she had never spoken to anyone like that.
"It's not fair. They're new, they don't know about that old superstition." Jimmy responded back defending us carefully watching his mother.
"Not superstition. It's true." Shot back determined as she took a sip of her drink.
"What is?" Bette innocently inquired.
"Why we don't perform on Halloween. On accounts of Edward Mordrake." Eve answered Bette.
"Who?"I was becoming confused.
"Edward Mordrake. Aristocrat who lived in the middle 1800s. He was heir to all kinds of titles, could've been a duke or a lord or some shit, things had been different." Miss Ethel began what I knew was going to be an interesting story.
She paused, "Things are never different." Miss Ethel said sadly before taking another drink
"An Englishman of noble birth, Edward was a young man with fine attainments. He was a scholar. He was a poet. Musician of rare ability."
"So what was wrong with him?" Bette asked Miss Ethel.
"He had another face on the back of his head. Hideous as a devil. No one else could hear what it said, but it whispered to Edward incessantly of things only spoken of in hell. He tried to kill it, many times in many ways. But it wouldn't die." My throat was suddenly becoming dry again.
"So what happened to him?" I croaked out.
"He went mad. His family had him committed to the crazy house at Bedlam. Truth be told, they were only too happy to have the family freak banished from sight. In the crazy house, he wrote poetry. Worked on an unfinished opera. Anything to keep his mind off the demon whisperings, but he never got any relief. It was telling him to do things. Commanding him." She paused.
I glanced around the room noticing she had everyone enveloped in the story.
"One night, Edward escaped the asylum, and he ended up where we all do. At the freak show. They billed him as the Two Faced Prince. And he'd show off all the refined skills he'd learned as the scion of one of England's grand families."
"And he was happy? He'd found a home with others like himself." Dot asked hopefully but I had a feeling this story did not have a happy ending like she wanted.
"There was no one like Edward. He wasn't happy. One Halloween night, Edward snapped. He murdered every freak in the troupe. And then he hung himself. Legend has it that even in death, the demon face was smiling."
"So, we don't perform on Halloween night out of respect?" Slowly questioning.
"Out of fear, darling. If any freak performs on Halloween, they summon the spirit of Edward Mordrake and his demon half-face. Once he appears, he never leaves alone." Paul answered me making me jump slightly. When did he get back?
"That whispering face will choose one more freak to take with him back to hell." Ominously replying.
"What a bunch of bunk! What are you trying to scare them for?" Jimmy started yelling at his mother.
"It's not bunk. It's true." Miss Ethel shouted at Jimmy.
"I can swear to it." She announced and everyone perked up to listen.
"In '32, when I was with Barnum, they made us perform on Halloween. Well something visited the circus grounds that night, 'cause the next morning, Clyde Hendershot, the astounding human cannonball, all three feet, four inches of him, was found hanging in his caravan." A gasp escaped me.
"Yup. His head twisted clean around. His dead eyes staring backwards. A smile on his face. Just like Edward Mordrake's second face." Miss Ethel finished.
I turned around and walked out of the tent. I had, had enough of this story. Outside the tent I was trying to compose myself, I do not know why but the tale of Edward Mordrake unnerved me.
From the other side of the tent flaps I heard Miss Ethel and Jimmy start to argue.
"Hey." Jimmy spoke a hint of annoyance and anger in his voice.
"What?" Miss Ethel was clearly annoyed.
"What the hell was all that about?" He demanded to her.
"Carny lore." She simply answered.
"Not that. The drinking! Ma, you swore off the stuff." Quietly shouting at her.
"Well, I'm swearing back on." Miss Ethel responded mockingly which I thought was mean and not at all like her.
"Why? What is it...Dell? You been on edge ever since he got here." Jimmy gently questioned.
"You don't know shit!" Miss Ethel growled at her son, "Matter of fact, I'm glad he's here. We need a man around this dump. Means you're free to go."
There was a short pause, "Oh, don't give me that look. You know you been itching to take off." I held my breath as I shrank back against the curtain as I heard her leave. Praying she would not see me. Thankfully she did not.
I stared at Miss Ethel as she was slowly fading from my sight. Oh Miss Ethel what in the world was wrong?
I went in search of Jimmy after the argument with his mother. I found him digging by the entrance.
"Hi." Softly coming up to him.
"Hey." Jimmy replied and I could tell he was withdrawn.
"Are you alright Jimmy?" Truthfully asking him knowing he would get what I was asking.
"Not really." He shook his head, "I have no idea why ma is acting this way. I thought it was cause of Dell but now...I don't know Lina." Jimmy sighed.
"Usually there is a deeper problem. She is probably just taking her frustration out on you." Biting my lip hoping to comfort him.
We were interrupted when we heard a car approach. A yellow taxi cab pulled up to the entrance and stopped. Jimmy and I stared at each other before the passenger stepped out.
A wannabe is what Miss Elsa would have referred to her. Blond hair in curls, and vibrant red lips to match. She was beautiful in what Eliezer would have called an obvious way.
"We're closed there is no show today." Jimmy told her as she grabbed hold of her suitcase.
Oh no.
"Oh I'm not a customer. I'm looking for a job." She sweetly spoke.
For some reason my gut churned. I stared at this woman intensely. I did not even know her but everything inside me was telling me not to trust her.
"Here?" Jimmy questioned her like she was out of her mind, "You made a mistake." Telling her.
"Believe me you do not belong here." Scoffing at her.
"I came all the way from Philadelphia. My name is Mystic Miss Esmeralda." Rolling my eyes at her stage name. This was going to be good.
She smiled a charming smile at Jimmy, "I'm a fortune teller." I snorted at this information.
To quote Jimmy, what a bunch of bunk. Eyeing Esmeralda I knew this 'chick' was going to be trouble.
Jimmy went to bring Mystic Miss Esmeralda to Miss Elsa to see if she was good enough to join troupe. Fortune telling what a bunch of šūdas, none of it was real, and there were actual people with the power to predict the future why would they be in a place like Jupiter, Florida?
Something definitely did not smell right.
But I had bigger problems to tackle. I went in search to find Miss Ethel to talk to her. After searching her tent and the whole of the grounds I finally found her sitting in a chair by the lake. Drinking.
Dell was walking away from her.
I stopped him, "Is she drunk?"
"If she ain't drunk then I ain't a strong man." He sarcastically replied before leaving.
Taking a deep breath I steadied myself determined to find out what was going on with Miss Ethel.
"Miss Ethel." Speaking as I walked up and stood in front of her.
She instantly became annoyed, "Whatda want?"
"To find out what is going on with you." Stating to her.
She snorted, "Ain't nothing wrong with me. Just enjoying life." As she took another drink out of her flask.
That irked at me, "You are drinking. You never drink."
"Well now I am. Now scram and leave me be." Raising her flask to her lips again.
I was good and fuming now. Reaching out I snatched the flask from her hand. She started a whole vary of curses as I calmly walked to the edge of the lake and threw the flask into the water. Emitting a splashing pop sound as it hit the water and sunk to the bottom.
Walking back to Miss Ethel she was fitting to slap me, "What the hell did ya do that for! I don't chuck your shit into the lake." She shouted at me.
"You do not need to be drinking again! Whatever problems you have, you will not find at the bottom of a bottle. If you let me help you we can figure something out." Telling her.
"No help for a dying woman is there!" Miss Ethel screeched back and my breath caught in my throat.
"What?" Whispering not wanting it to be real.
"That's right. Got me about six months to a year left, or that's what they told me." Huffing out crossing her arms.
I shook my head, "Oh Miss Ethel." Sighing as I stared out onto the lake, "What do you have?" Softly inquiring.
"Cirrhosis of the liver. Looks like all that drinking I did is finally gunna do me in." She snorted.
Blanching at her, "Then why in the world are you drinking now!"
She just shrugged and said, "Might as well speed up the process."
Now I was furious at her. For long moments all I did was stare at her. Completely struck by how angry I was.
"What are you gawking at now?" She snapped at me.
"You are so selfish Miss Ethel." Seething at her.
Her head swung at me as she narrowed her eyes, "Excuse me?"
"I said you are selfish. Here you are literally trying to drink yourself into a grave and not even thinking once about your son." Speaking to her.
"Jimmy don't need me and he don't want to be here neither. If he wants to go then let him go!" She grumbled.
Sighing I took a seat in the dirt next to her chair, "That is not true Miss Ethel. Every child deep down still wants their parents. Even when they are old and grey. You still have time." Choking as the tears creeped out from my eyes.
Miss Ethel stared at me, "You still have time with you son. Still have time to fight and make up and fight some more. Still time for memories, laughter and tears. The worst thing you could do right now Miss Ethel is push your son away when now is the time to be spending all the more time with him."
"Somethin' you know personally 'ey." She spoke quietly.
I let the tears fall from my face wetting the dry dirt beneath me, "I would give anything, anything in the world to have one more minute with my papa and mama. One more minute to say I love you. To say I am sorry. To see them laugh, cry or smile. For them to hold me one last time." Covering my mouth with my hand to stifle a sob as I tried to push the memory of my mamas' death out of my head.
A quiet minute passed, "You have what I do not and never will have Miss Ethel. You still have time to see your son turn into something great. A child needs their parents guidance even if they will not admit. Do not give up on your son yet Miss Ethel. If anything live this time for him."
"Or if you really do not care you can get up and go get yourself another drink and start finishing your decent into your grave." Honestly speaking to her.
Minutes passed and nothing was said. We both just sat and stared out at the lake. Lost in our own private thoughts.
Miss Ethel stayed rooted in her seat.