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Everyone ran off and dispersed to get ready for the sold out show tonight, but I sulked back to my trailer to wallow in despair and sadness. As I entered my trailer I sat down on my bed and the tears begin to flow.
I had gone and messed everything up. Paul and I had a wonderful, blooming friendship now it appeared to be crushed and trampled. Now he hates me.
How could I have been so foolish to think he would ever want to be...romantically involved with someone like me. I was not a beauty like my mother or my aunts, I only had my plain features that no man would want.
Paul was a man, an experienced man. What could he possible want with a silly girl like myself?
A knock on my door startled me.
"Who...who is it?" Hiccuping as I tried my fastest to wipe away my tears.
"Jimmy." He answered from the other side, "Can I come in?"
Oh what could he possible want right now?
"I am not feeling well right now Jimmy." Hoping he bought my lie.
He did not, "Come on Lina, open up."
Sighing I rose from my bed and opened the door ushering him inside but I quickly turned my back on him. I did not want him to see me all a mess.
"Why aren't you getting ready for the big show?" Jimmy asked.
"I could say the same to you." Pausing, "Besides it is not like I do anything important." Putting myself down.
"Lina what is going on? You were so quiet at breakfast and then after everyone left you bolted." There was a pause, "Is this about what happened last night?" Jimmy quietly asked me.
"No, no it is not about that...though something else did happen last night." My lip began to tremble as the tears once again dripped down my cheeks.
"What happened?" His concern grew.
Turning around to face him, yet I could not meet his eyes, "Paul hates me."
"About that fight you guys had, that's nothing he doesn't hate you Lina." He chuckled but I started sobbing.
"No it is not about that." Looking up to face him his eyes were filled with concern and confusion. Jimmy led me over to the table to sit down and I told him everything. About Thomas and the fight. Then about last night and our kiss.
"See he hates me." Crying into his chest, "I messed everything up because I am not a good kisser. I was so stupid and foolish. Why would he want someone like me?"
"Hey, hey, hey just stop that right now." Jimmy lifted me from his chest and made me look at him, "You are a great gal Lina and any guy would be damn lucky to have you. This...thing with Paul, it's just a big misunderstanding."
His words were comforting but tears still flowed from me. Jimmy pulled me back to his chest and hugged me close.
"You'll see, everything will work out fine." He soothed me.
During the show I was walking back and forth between tents when I heard screaming. Dropping my things I ran to the source of the noise, which was Desiree and Dell's trailer. Without even thinking I yanked open the door and rushed inside.
I found Jimmy hovering over Desiree who was unconscious. Blood was on Jimmy's hands.
I had a wild look on my face as I stared at Jimmy, "What in Gods name has happened?" Running over to tend to Desiree.
"I..I was just doing my thing and she starts screaming for stop and then blood is pouring out from her legs." He stammered looking like he was going to be sick.
"Run and go get your mother." Telling him as I grabbed a towel but he remained still, "Go!" Screeching at him. He suddenly snapped back to life and ran from the trailer.
"Desiree can you hear me? It is Lina?" She stirred thank God. Grabbing her wrist her pulse was rapid and uneven, sweat was building over her body. Reaching back into my mind I tried to remember the training my aunt Marta had taught me from her nursing courses. It had helped me immensely when we were in the Ghettos.
Reaching for the towel I rolled it up and tried to stop the bleeding between her legs.
Her legs.
I paused. Lifting her shirt I revealed her stomach. I willed my hands to stop shaking as I gently felt my way around her stomach. Searching for the signs I prayed would not be there.
Unfortunately from watching my aunt Marta all those years I knew what this was.
"Christ on a cracker." Miss Ethel huffed out as she came into the trailer, "What da hell's going on?" She questioned me.
"She is having a miscarriage. We need to get her to a doctor." The words tumbling out of my mouth.
"How do you know?" Miss Ethel asked as she rushed over to us.
"My aunt spent her life as a nurse. She taught me well. I know miscarriages when I seem them." Staring at the towel beneath her legs which was soaked through and through.
"She is losing too much blood." Grabbing the soaked towel and replacing it with another. Desiree stirred from her spot and moaned, "Miss Ethel we need to get her to a doctor." Stressing.
She paused, "I know a good man."
It had been a long time since I had been in a doctors office. For some reason it made me anxious but I tried not to focus on myself but on Desiree. This doctor appeared nice enough. He was the one who had told Miss Ethel about her liver failure.
If she could trust him then I suppose I could trust him too.
Desiree was already frightened, believing that Jimmy had poked a hole through her. But I knew better, but I could not tell her the real truth.
While I held one hand, Miss Ethel held the other as the doctor began his examination asking Desiree about her past health history.
"Where were you born?" He asked her.
"Philadelphia. The midwife smacked me on my ass and said, "Congratulations, Mary, you finally got you a boy. My mother was over the moon." There was twinge of sadness to her voice that tugged inside me.
"She named me Derek, after her father, who was a baseball player. Thought maybe I'd follow in his footsteps." Desiree continued her story, and chuckled softly, "But that all changed when I turned 12 and started growing these." Pointing to her breasts.
The doctor rose from his examination, "Well..." He paused.
"Okay, Doc, don't sugarcoat it."She cut to the point.
"Well, the midwife was wrong. You're not a boy; you never were." We all stilled. Desiree's hand became slack in my own. Glancing at Miss Ethel I tried to read her but it seemed impossible.
"You probably have an excess of testosterone. Your body got confused and produced more estrogen to compensate, which may account for your accessory breast." The doctor explained to her, but I do not know if she heard it.
"What about my ding-a-ling?" Desiree finally spoke. Questioning in confusion.
"Um, that is not a penis. That is an enlarged clitoris, which I can surgically reduce if it bothers you." He was clearly a little uncomfortable.
"But either way, physically and genetically, you are 100% woman. Now, the bleeding that you experienced, that was a miscarriage, and I'm sorry to say that, that was about 12 weeks." Desiree blinked as I saw the tears form in her eyes as I swallowed mine in my throat. I squeezed her hand tightly, letting her know I was here for her.
"Now, there was no sign of injury, but the baby was just not viable." He sadly announced. A breath of relief flooded through me. I could not wait to tell Jimmy that this was in no way his fault. I knew he would be blaming himself.
"The baby?" Desiree whispered, hearing the word on her tongue.
"If you wait a few months, you and your husband can try again. But now I must be blunt. At your age, I wouldn't wait too long." Speaking the truth.
Desiree was quite for a few long moments, "I could have a baby with Dell?" The tears streaming from her eyes.
When all of us got back to the camp Miss Ethel stayed with Desiree and I went to find Jimmy. Everyone in the camp was whispering between this and that, I knew everyone had somehow found out about Desiree.
"Eve have you seen Jimmy?" Asking her as I passed by.
"Yeah honey he's in his trailer, and not doing so well." Giving a sad smile before walking away.
Knocking on the trailer door I alerted Jimmy to my presence before entering his trailer, unaware of the state I would find him in.
"Really? Drinking?" Sighing as I sat down next to him.
He took a swig from the bottle, "Give me a break I almost killed someone today."
"No you did not." Telling him as I grabbed the bottle from him and set it down on the table.
There was a pause of silence knowing what he wanted to ask.
"How is she?"
"She will be okay." Letting out a long breath, "Your mother is with her now."
"What did the doc say?" Jimmy quietly inquiring.
"That she is not a half man, half woman. She is fully a woman." Telling him as I watched the surprise settle onto his face. I paused dreading telling him the rest, "And she was pregnant. Twelve weeks, she had a miscarriage." Biting my lip looking at Jimmy.
"Pregnant?" He whispered out into space, "And I did that...I killed her kid." Grabbing his head in his hands.
"No, no, no, no my mielas." Pulling his head up, making him look at me.
"You did not kill anyone. You did nothing to harm Desiree or her child...the baby was not viable. When Desiree miscarried the baby was already dead." Speaking as I tried not to let the grief creep into me.
I made sure he was staring straight into my eyes, "The baby died because of a physical defect, which the doctor can correct if she wants to have another child. It is likely that she would not have carried to full term, and if she did..." Pausing thinking of the births I had helped my aunt with, "She might not have survived."
Jimmy closed his eyes and a single tear carried down his cheek, "You did nothing. Only the cruelness of human anatomy had any hand in what happened to Desiree."
Sitting up I pulled him close to me and silently we stayed like that for a few minutes, happy that I could provide comfort to him.
In our silence a thought occurred to me, "Jimmy...why um where you with Desiree?" My voice squeaking out in embarrassment.
Huffing out a breath Jimmy pulled away and stared at the floor, "I suppose I was feeling lousy about myself."
"But why?" Wanting to know.
"Esmeralda shut me down. I thought she liked me but..when I tried to kiss her she backed away. Said I had a bright future, she just wasn't in it. I'm and idiot to think I ever had a chance with a girl like her." He clenched his hands and there was anger in his voice.
Or maybe it was betrayal.
Why I wanted to shake Esmeralda by the shoulders and scream at her for hurting Jimmy.
"I came to Desiree trying to find Dell cuz no one has seen him. We got to talking, I was down about Esmeralda, she was down about Dell...and one thing led to another..." He trailed off thinking.
"I'm a freak. No gal will ever love me." His voice dripping in agony.
"Jimmy you are not a freak!" Shouting at him. It startled him and it had startled me.
"You are a sweet, kind, helpful, handsome man. Any gal would be lucky to have you. You are a leader, a brother to those in need." Smiling at him, pushing the hair from his face, "And if Esmeralda cannot see that then she is not worth it."
He looked up at me with sad eyes, "You are my friend and I care for you deeply. You will get your happy ending with your perfect girl. I know it, I can feel it in my heart." Giving him a soft smile, "I am never wrong." Quipping making him chuckle.
But there was still a heartache to his face. Leaning over I mustered all of my courage for my friend and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
The shock from both of us radiated with in trailer. Both of our mouths agape at the boldness of my action.
Jimmy was quiet then burst into a fit of laughter which I suddenly joined in.
Tears streamed from our eyes as the laughter finally died down.
"You will always have one friend who finds you attractive." Giggling at him as we settled down.
Jimmy moved over and pulled me into his arms. He was feeling better.
He kissed my forehead, "Thanks for being my number 1 gal." He smirked as I relaxed into him.
Finishing my prayer I gazed up into the night sky. I did not know if God would be able to help Desiree, or even if God was there anymore but I did not know what else to do; and it did bring some meager comfort.
Sitting on a log in the clearing I shook my head, taking in the sight of the stars and the moon. I came to America to led a quiet, peaceful, uneventful life but it seemed I was doing the exact opposite.
Jupiter, Florida was not as quiet and peaceful as it seemed. Although I wish it was. Then maybe I could finally rest and get some peace of mind.
All I longed for was a normal life. I wondered if I would ever have it?
There was a ruckus behind me. I was a bit annoyed. My mind was all the company I wanted right now.
Turning my head I saw Jimmy leading or rather pushing Paul towards the clearing.
I rose from the log puzzled at what was happening.
"Um what is going on?" Directing the question to Paul or Jimmy.
"He." Gesturing towards Jimmy, "Pulls me out of my trailer and forces me out here. Babbling about misunderstands and making things right." Furiously replying.
"Jimmy?" Staring at him.
"I told you Lina everything would work out." He broke out into a wild grin and began walking away.
"You two aren't goin anywhere until you start talking!" Jimmy hollered at us. Then he disappeared leaving the two of us alone.
It was quiet. It was awkward. It was painful.
"I did not ask him to do this." Blurting out.
"Jimmy's just being Jimmy." Paul shrugged his shoulders but his reply had a bit of ice to it.
"Paul I am so sorry for everything." I was not even sure which thing I was apologizing for. I was just sorry.
He did not answer me. I bit the inside of my cheek. I would not cry.
"The last thing I ever wanted to do was ruin our friendship." Whispering to him.
His body snapped to attention and he stared at me, "I shoulda know it wasn't going to work out. Freaks aren't good company for normal people."
Normal people? I was anything but.
"Paul you are not a freak. I have never thought that about you!" Pleading with him.
He scoffed, "Then why'd you run! After I kissed you, you ran like you couldn't stand the sight of me. A disgusting freak!" He shouted at me.
My stomach dropped. He thought I found him disgusting.
"No, no Paul I was not disgusted I could never be disgusted by you. You have to believe me!" Begging him to understand.
He shook his head and turned away from me. About to leave again, "Please Paul believe me, I was not offended by the kiss. It was a wonderful kiss, the best first kiss any woman could have asked for!" Yelping then turning away horrified.
Oh why, why, why? Why did I say that?
"First kiss?" Paul inquired behind me.
I wanted the earth to swallow me up whole.
Painstakingly I turned around not meeting any part of him.
"That was your first kiss?" Paul asked me again.
"Yes." Squeaking.
"How?" His voice sounded bewildered, I would not know since I still could not look at him.
I gulped, "I was a child when war broke out, there was no time for boys."
Especially when you seem them being starved or shot to death.
"Even after the war I was too busy trying to piece a life back together for myself. Men were the last thing on my mind." Continuing on, "Plus I am not pretty like my mother. Men do not pay attention to me." Quietly adding.
"I did." His voice ran like a honey river.
My head lifted and I met his eyes.
"You think I am pretty?" Shocked.
Paul gave me a smile, "I think you're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen."
All the air in my lungs ceased to flow.
Biting my lip I needed to explain, even if it did make me look like an idiot, "Paul I did not run because I loathed you and the kiss. I ran because I was overwhelmed with emotion. I acted like a foolish, stupid girl." Chuckling at my antics.
"When you started to avoid me I thought you were mad at me. Not because I ran but because maybe I did it wrong. Or you did not like it. That it was a bad kiss. That you had come to your senses and realized I was just a stupid girl and that you could do better. That I was not good enough, and will never hold a candle to being your perfect woman." My lip trembled as tears flooded my eyes.
"Madalina you are perfect to me." Paul stepped forward inches from me. His eyes were a clear, pale blue because of the moonlight, "If you'd have me, I'd love to be yours and be with you." Softly telling me.
His face was patient but vulnerable.
"Yes." Whispering to him and a smile broke out on his face, "Paul nothing would make me happier than to be with you." Beaming with him.
We stood there grinning like fools idiots but it did not matter. Paul liked me. He wanted to be with me!
"Madalina would it be alright if I kissed you again? Properly this time." Paul asked me.
The butterflies came floating back inside me.
"What if I do it wrong? What if I mess it up?" Confessing to him so softly I could barely hear myself.
"You won't love. That first kiss was amazing. I wasn't being a gentlemen by not asking you first." Paul blushed.
I could only nod. I closed my eyes because in movies I had learned you were supposed to close your eyes. A mistake I had made the first time.
Then his lips were on my. Soft like before. Perfect like before. I was kissing Paul again!
The electricity I had felt the first time was amplified as the the butterflies took over me.
Pushing my nerves aside slowly I moved my lips with his, hoping I was doing it right.
My bones felt on fire. Everything in me felt a flame. Paul must be the perfect kisser in the whole world.
When we broke away I thought my chest would explode. Out of nerves I started to giggle.
"Sorry." Clapping a hand over my mouth. I was sure my blush was at my hair line.
"It's alright love, I think it's adorable." Paul smirked, "Would it be alright if I walked you back to your trailer?"
I nodded daring not to speak, fearing more giggles would escape.
Paul crooked his arm for me, "A true lady needs to be seen in the company of a gentleman."
Smiling I looped my arm through his, "Paul I do believe you are being cheeky again." But I just smiled and followed him back to camp thrilled to be with him.
We moved slowly, savoring the night and each others company. Nothing was spoken but it was a most wonderful silence. The whole time my smile never fell from my face.
Unfortunately we reached my trailer too quickly in my opinion. I did not want to leave him.
"Goodnight Paul, thank you for a wonderful evening." Gently beaming.
"It's my pleasure." He paused, "Can I walk you to breakfast tomorrow?" Curiously asking.
I had to keep myself myself from jumping out of my skin. So I smiled some more and nodded at him.
His grin warmed me. I leaned forward and pecked his cheek. When I pulled back his eyes were gleaming.
I began to walk up my stairs but tripped like a fool.
"Watch out, there are stairs there." Trying to joke but I turned scarlet.
Paul laughed, "Goodnight love."
Setting inside my trailer everything in me just felt right. And I had not felt that in a long time.
I started dancing around in circles before I began getting ready for bed. Wishing morning to come soon.