The trailer door opened but it wasn't Madalina who stepped out. It was Thomas. Paul's heart fell.
"She was asking if Ethel and Eve could help her clean up." He explained to the group.
The two women rushed at once to the door closing it behind them.
Thomas slowly walked up to Paul, both men looked tired.
"How is she?" Paul questioned in hesitation.
Thomas gave a long pause before answering, "She isn't out of the woods yet, but she will get there. She just needs time Paul. Everything happened at once and she needs to get a grip back on her situation, her life."
"But she doesn't...you don't think she will..." Paul's voice trailed off as he lost the words. The images running through his head were not pleasant ones.
"No I don't think she will. If she had chosen the other way she would have stayed on the floor. Progress is little bits at a time. She got up off the floor, she asked for helping cleaning up. Progress." Thomas explained.
Paul nodded but his head was still filled with worry.
"She just needs time, patience and understanding." Thomas placed a hand on Paul's shoulder as the two men stared at the trailer.
The door closed as I heard the two of them. At first their movements were quick and erratic then they became silent as they surveyed the mess I had inflicted in my trailer.
There were long pauses of silence. I could not look any of them in the face. The shame of my past still weighed on my shoulders for the time being.
"Well..." Miss Ethel was the first to clear her throat, "Ani't nothing to fret about. We'll get this place fixed up in no time." I heard the door open as she shouted for someone to bring her a broom and mop.
The door closed and there was more silence.
None of us knew how to act. What to think or say. We were all lost.
"Let's get you cleaned up sugar." Eve finally spoke.
"My first aid kit is in my wardrobe on the top shelf." I spoke but my voice was not my own. It was a distant strangers.
There was movement as I heard my wardrobe open and then I heard them walking towards me.
Eve lifted my right hand and began to carefully pick the glass pieces from my palm. My eyes trailed elsewhere because I could not bare to look her in the face and see...I do not even know what I would expect to see anymore.
My vision drifted to the shattered picture frame on the other side of me. I picked it up despite the pain from my glass littered hand. My heart fell into my stomach.
A small whisper escaped from me, "I broke it."
"That's alright honey we can get you a new one." Miss Ethel soothed.
I shook my head as I gripped the frame harder, "No you do not understand, this was an antique. It was my mama's." Tears pooled in my eyes, "She and my papa gave all of our photos and whatever jewelry our family had left to a catholic friend for safe keeping until they came back."
Fat drops fell from my eyes onto the damaged picture in my hand, "Except I came back instead of them." My lip trembled as I tried to keep from breaking down into a sobbing mess again.
"Lina look at me." Miss Ethel said but I shook my head casting my eyes further down onto the floor.
A pair of strong hands gently pushed my head up until I had no choice but to look at Miss Ethel.
"The only way for you to be able to move on wit your life is by lettin' all this guilt go. Now I didn't know your folks, but I'm sure they must have been the best of people to raise a daughter like you. They wouldn't want you to keep actin' like this, with your life stuck in one place forever." Miss Ethel softly told me.
More tears began to fall down my face.
"If your mama was here what do you think she'd say to you? Ethel is right. Your parents wouldn't want you carrying this guilt around with you for the rest of your life." Eve gently said to me.
My mind went to another place and time.
"Mama please you have to eat. You need to keep your strength up." Pleading with her as I pushed my bread ration closer towards her.
She was so pale. So sick. So emaciated. This was not even a proper weight for a child.
Mama tried to smile but her body was overtaken with a violent coughing fit. Rising I went to the secret corner where one of us had sacrificed our soup bowl to use it as a makeshift rain water collector. I poured water into her bowl and went back over to her.
"Drink mama, it will help." Lifting the bowl to her lips I was grateful she drank all that I had collected for her.
When she was done she raised an arm and ran her sandpaper fingers through my sheared hair. She gave me the warmest smile.
In the back of our minds we did not want to discuss what we already knew.
She was dying. My mama was dying and there was nothing either of us could do. But I suppose not talking about it was better than actually facing it.
"Madalina you need to be strong. That is what will keep you alive." Even though the rest of her was completely different her voice still had the same warm feeling it always had. It reminded me of hot cocoa and sitting in front our of fireplace with my papa and his books.
"Mama please do not-" I tried but she continued talking.
"No my numylėtinis. I need to say this to you. The strongest will survive and despite whatever scars you acquire, trust me they will bless you. You will survive this my love. The only thing you need to figure out is if you want to survive once this is all over." My mama spoke with such seriousness it made me nauseous.
Could I be able to survive without her? Without papa if he did not make it? Without my family? How would I do it, to live my life without any of them?
I did not now how to respond. So instead I wiped the tears from my eyes and laid down next to her, wrapping my arms against her frail form to try in a vain attempt to keep her warm.
The following morning I woke up next to the icy cold body that used to be my mama.
Time accelerated and I was back in my trailer with Miss Ethel and Eve staring at me as I desperately tried not to break down in sobs.
My voice cracked, "She would tell me that the strongest survive in life and despite whatever scars one may get, that they will bless you in life."
Eve stroked my hair, "Your mama sounds like a smart woman."
"Listen to me Lina, your mama's right." Miss Ethel spoke, "The scars we get in our lives remind us of our past. All of the bad and terrible shit that has happened to us, but let me tell you somethin'. Your past don't tell you where your goin'. Your scars remind you what happened to you, but they shouldn't tell you where your goin' or where you'll end up."
The sobs finally escaped from my body. God she was right. I wanted her to be right. I wanted to believe I could do this.
Eve wrapped her arms around me and let me cry.
"And you're not alone sweetie. You have a family right here. You have a man that loves you to the moon and back. Why I bet if you asked Paul to pluck the moon from the sky just so you could have it, he'd do it in a heartbeat." Eve smiled and a microscopic giggle escaped my lips.
"Paul is very sweet like that." Whispering in a blush.
"Damn straight he is and I've known Paul a long time. Ani't never seem him as happy as he is right now whenever he is with you." Miss Ethel told me in complete seriousness.
My heart stirred in my chest thinking what Paul must be going through right now. I put him through so much already.
But my mind quickly turned from thinking about Paul to something else.
"How will I face everyone? How will I tell them?" Earnestly asking the both of them.
"Listen here. You don't go to tell us nothing okay? These are your memories and your experiences and if you don't wanna talk about it then you don't have to. And anyone that bothers you or keeps pressing you into talking, well you just send them on over to us." Miss Ethel promised.
"No one thinks any different about you Lina. You went through something so horrific none of us can understand, but we care about you and all that matters is that you are safe and okay." Eve said.
Biting my lip I slowly nodded letting the matter drop.
"Let's clean you up." Miss Ethel said as she reached for some cleaning alcohol.
Almost an hour later I was cleaned, bathed and bandaged. My injuries were not that bad, they could have been worst.
"I think you should stay with someone else tonight hun. It's going to take awhile for us to clean this up and you need to rest. We could wait until the morning but I don't like the idea of you being in this mess." Eve approached the idea.
There was only one person I wanted to be with.
"Do you think Paul would be alright if I stayed with him?" Softly asking to them.
Miss Ethel snorted, "Oh I think he'll hate the idea." She laughed in sarcasm and I tried to give her a good smile. She stepped outside and quickly returned with a large smile, "That man couldn't have said yes faster."
That helped my smile.
They both helped me gather my nightgown and some clothes to place in my bag.
Eve was about to open the door when a panic gripped me.
"Wait!" Stopping them. I tried to slow my mind and my breathing.
"I...I do not want to see all of them yet. I mean it has been incredibly kind for everyone to care and worry about me, but...but I cannot face everyone at once." Gulping the fear in my voice.
"Say no more sweetie just give me a minute." Eve smiled and stepped out of the trailer.
"Was..." I paused trying to think of the right words, "Was that a selfish thing for me to ask?"
Miss Ethel placed a hand on my shoulder and gave me a gentle squeeze, "No darlin'."
A few seconds later Eve reappeared, "We're all set." Holding the door open for me.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them. Slowly, very slowly I made my way to the door. I let out a breath when I did not see anyone in sight.
The walk to Paul's trailer was not normally a long one, but on this particular occasion it felt like a lifetime.
Eve opened the door for me and I swallowed my unnecessary fear. Paul would never do anything to hurt me.
The caravan was empty. Turning around I about to ask them questions but Miss Ethel answered before I could even get out a word.
"Paul wanted to give you some space and let you get settled. He said that you should take the bed. No arguing."
I huffed out in frustration but the look on Miss Ethel's face told me I would not win this fight.
"We'll let you rest. Now anything, anything at all you need you have Paul come get us." Eve tucked some hair behind my ear.
They both gave me one last smile before leaving me alone.
Sitting down on the bed the days events caught up to me and all at once exhaustion flooded my body. I was physically and emotionally drained of almost everything. Quickly I peeled off my dirty clothes and stepped into my nightgown and cardigan. There was hesitation in me when I faced the bed feeling rude to just climb under the covers because it was not mine.
But I knew I would never hear the end of it if I fell asleep in Paul's chair so I pulled back the covers.
Nestling myself under the covers I felt safe for the first time that day. His scent was wrapped in everything, immediately soothing me.
Soon my eyelids started to drift shut as I let Paul's scent lull me to asleep.