Chapter 2
Isabella POV – May 15, 2010 to August 1, 2010
I was right.
I slept for shit last night, only falling into a brief state of unconsciousness when my sobs subsided. Some time in the night, someone poked their head in for a round of checks, which I really hoped wouldn't be occurring too often during my stay here.
I was even more exhausted now than I was when I entered this place last night, and on top of it, I had a killer headache from the lack of sleep and my crying fit last night. I doubted I'd get anything for the pain I was currently feeling.
A knock sounded on my door, but I refused to move from my position on the bed. I wondered if I could get away with not getting up. I didn't want to face the reality of being in a new place, surrounded by people who were just as fucked up as me or people who were there to try to fix what was wrong with me.
Another knock sounded, and I sighed, standing up as my joints popped loudly from a lack of movement. I walked over and opened the door to find a girl around my age. She stood around the same height as me, with shoulder length blonde hair. Her blue eyes were hooded, looking like she was permanently high.
"Hey. Sorry if I woke you, but Sandra sent me to show you to breakfast. I'm Charlotte, by the way," the girl said.
I stared at her, deliberating what would happen if I refused to leave my room. I just wanted to be alone and think about Edward. I missed him so much already. But then I remembered what he said when I saw him last:
"You've got to want it too. You wont get any help if you don't want to get better for yourself."
So with that in mind, I took that first step into immersing myself into my healing.
"It's okay. You didn't wake me. I'm Isabella."
"Nice to meet you. You ready to go?"
"Yeah. Let's go."
"Isabella, this is Sasha, Maggie, Kim, Lucy, Emily, and Bree," Charlotte introduced. "Guys, this is Isabella."
Everyone at the table echoed hellos of their own as they continued eating, except Bree, who shot me a dirty look before pushing away from the table and storming out of the room.
"Don't mind Bree. She gets a little moody when she doesn't get sleep. She's in the room next to yours," Charlotte said.
Great. So I kept this Bree girl up with my crying and now I've pissed her off. It didn't even occur to me that I was being disruptive. Oh well, there wasn't anything I could do about it now.
I grabbed a piece of toast and poured myself a cup of coffee, and sat quietly as I listened to the other girls chatting away at the table. I nibbled on the toast, not really hungry, but I wasn't sure when I'd be able to eat next. I didn't join in the conversation – I didn't want to get to know these girls and I didn't want them to know me.
It felt like forever before Sandra appeared, leading me away to finish the intake process. I followed her to her office where she handed me a clipboard with a few sheets of paper attached.
I leaned back in the uncomfortable chair, tucking my legs under me as I read through the questions on my personal addiction survey. Is drinking or drug use affecting my reputation? Obviously. Do I turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking or using drugs? I don't know, you tell me. Does it make me careless of my family's welfare? Did I look like I cared? Do I crave a drink or a drug at a definite time daily? Probably. Do I want a drink or drug the next morning? Definitely. Does it cause me to have difficulties in sleeping? Nope. It helped me. Do I drink or use drugs to escape from worries or troubles? Well, that's a yes. Have I ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking or drug use?
I snorted quietly to myself at the last question, before writing my answer. Then I had to write my drugs of choice – Vicodin, but really anything I could get my hands on, including alcohol. Whatever helped me achieve a state of numbness.
After finishing that sheet up, I moved on to the diagnostic screening test. I couldn't figure out why I had to do this since Kate had already screened me and gave me the diagnosis of BPD, but whatever. I answered honestly on all the questions before handing the clipboard back to Sandra.
Immediately, I was led down the hall to a bathroom and was handed a small plastic cup. Sandra explained that she needed to collect a sample for a drug test. She followed me into the bathroom, stating she needed to supervise me, and I wondered if I'd ever have any real privacy in this place. Afterward, I had a quick physical examination before I was on my way to meet Dr. Peters.
I was so nervous that I felt like I was going to throw up.
I didn't think I could do this… talk to this guy about the inner workings of my mind. Hell, I could barely talk to Kate. I couldn't image what would have happened if I had shared with her about everything, from the abandonment issues to the sexual abuse. Maybe if I had shared more, she would have let me stay there and would have continued to be my therapist. Even if she didn't, she wouldn't have sent me to talk to this guy.
Why, oh why did I let it get this far?
I could be at home, still snuggled up in bed, sleeping. Maybe I'd hang out with Edward or with one of my other friends. I'd more than likely be high out of my mind.
That realization stops me in my tracks.
That's exactly why I'm here. Being here was inevitable. It was in the cards fate dealt me. And the last card I flipped over, sent me here.
I stopped in front of the daunting door with the placard that read Dr. Garrett Peters. Sandra stood beside me, and seemed to know that I needed a moment to get myself together. My heart was racing, I felt short of breath, and I was breaking out in a cold sweat.
I thought of Edward and how if I didn't do this – knock on Dr. Peter's door and confront my demons – I'd never get back to him. I'd be stuck in this life, never really moving forward, while he'd continue waiting for me, until he didn't anymore.
I couldn't let that happen.
I raised my left hand and knocked loudly on the door. I heard a deep, muffled voice call out to come in. My heart raced double time, but I continued on.
The room was warm and inviting, so was Dr. Peters – definitely not what I was expecting. He was tall and lanky, but was just as good-looking as Dr. Cullen. He looked relaxed in his semi-casual outfit – jeans with a button down and a jacket.
"Isabella, I'm Dr. Garrett Peters. Please feel free to call me Dr. Peters, or Garrett, if you prefer," he greeted, offering me his hand.
When I refused to acknowledge his greeting, he took it in stride, quickly gesturing for me to take a seat wherever I please. I chose to sit on the couch as far away from his chair as I could possibly get, grabbing a throw pillow and hugging it to my torso.
"So, I was just looking over your file from Forks, as well as the paperwork you've filled out here," he started. "I figured we could use this first session to get to know each other and take it easy."
"Okay," I replied, unsure.
"I'm not sure if you know this already, but I went to school with both Kate and Carlisle years ago. I've been in this field for over 20 years and I specialize in the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. I've been working at Clearview for the last six years.
"I know Kate has given you some idea of what BPD is, but during this session, I'll be discussing the definition, along with the signs and symptoms. I'll also cover treatment and therapy plans with you, and whether or not we'll be considering the use of medications as part of your treatment.
"As I said, I'd looked over your file earlier, and I've gathered quite a bit of information from that, but I'd like to hear more from you about yourself and why you think you're here," he ended as he sunk farther back into his chair, crossing his right leg over his left knee and picking up a legal pad to take notes.
I took a deep breath and finally pushed past the barrier in my mind that normally would've prevented me from talking to him, or anyone really, and I began telling him about myself.
May 21, 2010
It's been a week since I was sent away from Forks. What the fuck am I doing here? I miss home. I miss my friends. And I miss Edward. So fucking much.
This is so stupid. I feel ridiculous writing in this stupid fucking book, telling it all my fucking secrets, except they're not really secrets because everyone here knows how much I don't want to be here. It's so hard because I know what Edward would say to me. He'd tell me to talk to Dr. Peters so that I can get better and come home to him. But he doesn't get how hard that is. None of them do.
Ugggh. I feel like complete and utter shit. Dr. Peters says I'm going through withdrawal. I've come to the realization though, that if I didn't have to give up the pills and alcohol, I wouldn't be feeling like this. I'd be feeling numb. And I'd rather feel numb than feel sick.
I don't know if I can survive this… going through the withdrawals, going to individual and group therapy. It's the same shit… over and over.
I'm so mad at Charlie and Renee for fucking agreeing with Carlisle and Kate to send me to this fucking place. I'm mad at Alice and the rest of my friends. And I'm mad at Edward. He's so far out of my reach. I feel like I'll never get to where he needs me to be…
Fuck this shit.
May 26, 2010
Thirteen fucking days I've been in this hell hole.
It's been thirteen days since my life has been put on hold. What the actual fuck? I was supposed to be graduating with my friends in a week, but now I'm not. I'm stuck here, dealing with the demons I don't want to deal with, while my friends are moving on with their lives. It's not fair! I bet they all have demons of their own and they aren't stuck here like me. Why the fuck couldn't my demons just have chilled the fuck out?
I still feel like shit. I'm getting more and more pissed every day with Dr. Peters because this withdrawal shit isn't ending and I need it to stop. He's patient with me despite me being a complete bitch, but I know it's only a matter of time before he gives up on helping me too. I'm not being honest and open with him. I'm still keeping secrets… I can't help it.
Maybe if I just tell him what he wants to hear… would he see through me?
June 3, 2010
It's graduation day, and I'm missing out on it.
I should be there with all my friends, walking the stage with Charlie cheering me on. But instead, I'm stuck in my senior year and I don't know if I'll ever be a high school graduate. I wonder if my friends are even thinking about me… missing me?
I've been extra bitchy today because I'm missing out on this. Earlier during my session with Dr. Peters, I sat in his office for an hour, refusing to talk about anything… how I was feeling or what was bothering me. Talking to him won't change anything and it won't make me feel better.
I just want to be left alone.
I'd gladly give anything just to feel numb again… to not feel any of this other crap.
I wish I could go back to the day I went cliff diving. To float into nothingness again…
I wish they hadn't pulled me out of the water. Then I wouldn't be here, feeling like this.
June 11, 2010
It's been a month. It feels like it's been longer than that, but I'm keeping count of the days. I don't even know how long they plan on keeping me here. It feels like I'll never get out of here…
I'm terrified to go to sleep at night again. The nightmares have started back up. And I know that's why Bree keeps shooting me dirty looks – my nightmare are keeping her up too.
Dr. Peters knows about the nightmares as well. He keeps pushing me to talk about them… to talk about the things I just don't want to talk about, let alone think about.
No, I don't want to talk about Renee or Phil. Or Charlie. Or my friends back in Forks. Or what happened last month. I just don't want to talk about any of it…
June 20, 2010
Today is Edward's birthday.
I wonder if he's missing me right now… if he's even thinking of me. I miss him like crazy.
It's been a bad day for me.
Renee called here for me. I refused to talk to her. I don't know why they allow me to receive calls, but I can't call out to anyone.
Why hasn't he called me? Has he already forgotten me?
I refused to do my part of the daily chores today too. I just wanted to go to my room and wallow. This was the final straw for Bree, I guess. She went after me and we got into a fight. The orderlies had to break us up and I got sent to see Dr. Peters almost immediately.
I just sat there…
I feel like I'm going crazy here. Isn't this place supposed to have the opposite effect?
July 4, 2010
It's my first real holiday alone – no friends or family to celebrate with. Instead, I'm stuck here with a bunch of people I could care less about.
I wonder what Edward is doing right now… Is he barbecuing with his family? Maybe our friends are celebrating at the Cullens? Maybe everyone went to Port Angeles for a firework show? Maybe they're all at a house party, having fun and drinking…
What I wouldn't give for a stiff drink, maybe popping some pills.
I can't remember the last time I went this long being clean…
July 9, 2010
Two months… eight weeks total.
I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo, not really moving forward or backward. I'm so tired of being angry, of being sad, of being scared. Edward could still be waiting for me to get my shit together, while I'm here, not putting in any effort. And I can't just expect him to wait around forever.
Maybe I should really open up to Dr. Peters, instead of saying what I think he wants to hear… Can I really make myself go through the painful parts of my past?
Maybe my time here would be easier to deal with if I had friends…
Can I really do this?
August 1, 2010
It's been almost three months.
I've really been trying to work through my problems with Dr. Peters, but it's so hard because it hurts so much. He says I'm making great progress, but I'm not too sure I agree with that.
Every time I want to quit or have to deal with a craving to feel nothing but numbness, I can hear Edward in my head.
I still haven't heard from him… and I'm still not allowed to make any outside calls. Where is he? What is he doing?
Things haven't gotten any better between Bree and me, but I have been hanging out more with Charlotte and Maggie. Having some people on friendly terms is definitely helping make this easier.
Maybe it is possible this is helping… but I guess only time will tell.