Chapter 15

Three weeks after Heidi passed Natalie and I had settled into a real routine. We found a house and were closing on it in a week. We are moving to a great house in a nice neighborhood in Kent, about twenty miles south of Seattle. Natalie was overjoyed because there were dozens of kids her age on our street alone. I was overjoyed because she would have her own room and a huge back yard to play in.

Our routine included therapy for Natalie twice a week and for us both once a month. I was surprised by how helpful it was to talk with a therapist about becoming a family. My fears of raising a daughter were quickly diminished. Natalie has grown so much in her sessions with Angela and Rose. I am so proud of her. The little girl I was hoping would get to just simply be a kid was flourishing in her new freedom to do just that. She openly asked for toys that were her age level and acted more like a kid when we hung out with Alice and Jamie. Her mothering instincts were still strong but she fought them and just played like any other nine year old.

I was worried that burying Heidi would bring sadness and worry for Natalie but she once again surprised me. She seemed to feel lighter and while she cried the entire funeral and sobbed when we left the cemetery, she asked for time alone at home. When she emerged from the bedroom she said she was ready to get her new life started. I just shook my head and smiled in awe of her.

I enrolled Natalie in school in our new neighborhood. She was very excited and also very nervous. Fortunately she still had a few weeks before she had to start so she could make a few friends when we move. She was starting fourth grade. We were going shopping for school clothes and supplies today and then meeting Edward for dinner and a movie.

Edward had become a near constant presence in our lives. He was either stopping by with breakfast, taking us out on the weekends or we were spending evenings together. Sometimes I would cook for us and sometimes we would go out. It really didn't matter what we did, we always had a great time. Things were so natural for us and more so for he and Natalie. They were as much like a father/daughter duo as they could be. We still hadn't had a night out alone but I knew it would happen soon enough. Natalie was getting very comfortable with Alice and Jasper so we could probably ask them to keep her for a few hours.

I am drawn out of my thoughts by my beautiful little girl singing the snowman song from Disney's Frozen. She's so animated and bubbly.

"So Miss Natalie, are you ready to do some school clothes shopping?" I ask interrupting her performance.

She bounced on her toes excitedly, "Yes! Oh my gosh! I've never gone shopping for clothes just because before!"

"Well we are going to start at the mall and then go from there. Sound good?"

"Yep! I'm ready! Can I get a backpack today too?" she asked shyly.

"Yes and a lunch box and note books, pencils, folders and whatever else you need for your new school," I said.

"All at one time? Usually I just get a backpack full of stuff from the church down the street from the apartment. I thought that was how all kids got their school stuff," she said with a puzzled expression.

"Well that is a great service the church provides but I always got my school stuff from the store," I say.

She just shrugs and says, "Then let's go to the store."

I grab the list the school gave me and we headed out the door. Our first stop is Target where we stock up on all things little girls need for school. Jeans, leggings, super cute t-shirts and dresses were piled into the cart. We moved on to socks and under things. This girl is quirky but still so stylish. Shoes were next and it blew her mind that she could get more than one pair. We got tennis shoes, ballet flats and boots. I really thought her head was going to explode when she picked out two pairs of boots and I let her get them both.

When we got to the check-out lane I sent her to look at something so she wouldn't see how much it cost. I didn't want her to feel anything but happy today and I knew she'd feel guilty. Three hundred dollars later we had a new wardrobe to go with her new life.

We went to Wal-Mart for her school supplies. I let her pick out all the cute stuff she couldn't ever get before. We ended up with a little bit of every character item sold. She picked out a simple pink backpack with a cheetah print that came with a lunch box and thermos.

When we left as I was loading her stuff in the trunk, she stood watching me.

"Bella?"

"Yeah baby," I said not looking up.

"Thank you," she said. I looked up then to see tears leak down her cheeks.

I put the last bag in the trunk and she wrapped her arms around me.

"You're welcome, honey. I love you."

"I love you too. So much!"

We stood there behind my car with the trunk wide open for a few minutes before she realized we were in the parking lot. She pulled away and smiled.

"I'm starving, let's go eat," I said.

"Can we call Edward? Maybe he can go with us somewhere."

"Of course. Why don't you call him while I drive?" I said, handing her my cell.

She giggled and got in the car. I shook my head and climbed in the front seat. As I was backing out I heard her asking Edward if he was hungry. She laughed and said, "No silly, this is Natalie. Bella is driving."

They talked for a minute and then she yelled to me, "Can we meet him at Wild Wheat? I want some strawberry pancakes."

"Yes, we can. Tell him we are on our way there now."

She finishes up her conversation with Edward and finds a game to play on my phone. I can't help but watch her in the rearview mirror. She is just such a different person that she was even before all the trauma. She is more like a child now than before and seeing the carefree attitude emerge in her has been a pleasure.

As we pull up to the restaurant I see Edward waiting for us. Instantly my heart picks up pace and my stomach flutters. He really couldn't be more perfect for me, for us. He smiles widely when we pull in next to him. Natalie has her seat belt undone and is practically out of the car before I get it in park. She is talking a mile a minute and he is trying his hardest to follow along.

"Natalie, honey, slow down. I'm sure Edward is having trouble understanding you." I say, laughing at her enthusiasm.

"I got the part about new clothes and shoes and something about a Frozen pencil box and the rest was a blur." He says, shaking his head.

"Ugh, you guys. I got so many new beautiful things and I can't wait to show it to you. Can we go eat, I am star, um so hungry?" She says, catching her exaggeration.

She does that a lot. She hears other people exaggerate about little things like being starved, dying to do something, and on and on. She is more conscious of what those things mean now and rarely uses those phrases. I never really thought about it until I realized she was doing it.

Edward put his arm around my waist and leads us into the restaurant. The waitress gestures that we can seat ourselves, so we pick a table in the window. I sit near the window and Edward sits next to me. Natalie sits across from us. Edward and I scan the menu but Natalie knows exactly what she is getting and just goes to telling Edward about our shopping trip. When the waitress gets to us, Natalie rattles off her order quickly.

"I'll have the strawberry pancakes and a side of bacon, please." Natalie states, politely.

Edward and I both order a turkey club and side salad. Natalie finished up her detailed account of our day and asks for my phone. I give it to her and she sets about putting together puzzles. Edward smiles at me and reaches for my hand under the table.

"So I was thinking, how would you like to go out tonight? Alice already said she would watch Natalie for us," Edward asks.

"Really, you already asked her?" I ask, giving him a little side-eye.

"Um, well yeah, I knew you'd say you didn't know who to leave her with. I really want a night out with you and figured I could make it easier for you," he rushes out.

"Thank you Edward and of course we can go out tonight. I really appreciate you asking Alice. I think Natalie will have a great time."

"A great time where?" she asks, looking up from her puzzle.

"At Alice and Jasper's house tonight," Edward says.

"Oh great! Are we going over there?" she asks.

Then I realize how hard this could be on her. I know she'll be fine and have fun but will she freak out that we are going out without her.

"Alice is going to watch you while we go out on a date," I say, hoping the cheer in my voice doesn't sound phony.

"A date? Like without me?" she says sounding a little sad but more confused.

"Yes. Honey we could use some time to be alone." Edward says carefully.

She starts play on the phone again so I think we are all clear until she speaks without looking up.

"Oh, I get it," she says dragging out the "o" like she has us all figured out, "I thought only people like my mother did that."

I nearly choke on my tongue and of course the waitress comes with our food at that exact moment. Edward is turning redder by the second.

The look of disgust on Natalie's face is plain as day. The waitress asks if the order is correct, to which Edward quickly says it is. I am looking at Natalie with shock square on my face.

As soon as the waitress leaves, I take a deep breath and try to get my thoughts together. "How do I explain this to a child who grew up with a hooker? A child who saw her mother being abused and violated by a crazy man?" But before I can speak, Edwards starts to explain.

"Natalie, what your mother did was very different than what I think you are referring to. You are much too young to know about it but what you are referring to is called sex. I won't explain what it is but there are many different things that go into it."

I have to stop him before he tells her that is what we will be doing. I haven't even decided if it will be a part of our date yet and she has no business knowing that at this age.

"Honey, what you saw and what you know of your mother's 'work' is not what couples who are in love do. That has nothing to do with Edward and I spending time alone," I explain, "Edward and I need time to get to know each other better. We love spending time with you and we are not trying to exclude you. It's just that couples need time to be together without others around to make their relationship better. Does that make sense?" I ask hoping she will see the difference.

"So you guys are a couple. Like married or something?" She smiles.

Edward chokes on his water. I giggle.

"No. We are just starting out. Dating. There are stages to a relationship. We are in one of the first few stages."

"Oh ok. So you still want me just not when you need time alone?" she says sadly.

"Oh honey, we always want you. Just because we need some alone time doesn't mean we don't want you. You are my daughter in every way that counts," I say.

"Yeah, kiddo, we want you. I can't imagine my life without you in it. You know we can cancel our date and do something together if you want us to," Edward offers. I have to bite my tongue because I don't want her to think she can force us to change our plans. I don't say anything so as not to undermine him.

She looks down at her plate and thinks for a minute. When she looks up there is a little more understanding in her eyes. "So you just want to be alone for a little while and then we will be together again?"

Edward nods and I say yes.

"You need to be alone to talk or something?" She asks, still trying to figure it out.

"Yes, to talk and learn more about each other," I say.

"Ok. How long will I be at Alice's house?"

"I'm not sure yet but only for a while. We will tell you when we have our night all planned out. How's that sound?" Edward answers.

She smiles and starts eating her pancakes.

I want to cry. This little girl just showed me the very things that her therapists have warned me about. She is afraid we won't come back. She is trying to understand her life with her mother and how different it was to other's lives. I look at Edward and he is watching her while he eats his sandwich. He knows what just happened too. He is more cautious with her than I am and I don't know if that is a good thing or not. I decide we will have to talk about it tonight.

After lunch Edward follows us to the hotel and helped us carry all of Natalie's new things inside. He got a short fashion show before she decided to color in the bedroom. We looked at each other realizing she rarely left us in the living room alone.

"Do you think she went in there to give us 'alone time'?" Edward asked.

"I honestly don't know but it is odd. That conversation at the restaurant was crazy. I hadn't even thought of her jumping to those conclusions. I was just worried she would think we were leaving her or something but…" I stopped knowing he knew exactly what I was saying.

"I didn't either. I sometimes forget she has a different view of the world. Things that any other nine year old wouldn't even know about, she is aware of in a terrible way."

"I guess I will have to have a better conversation about sex. I mean we talked about it in regards to what happened to her mom that night but nothing more. I just don't want to take away all her innocence," I worried.

"So what are we going to do tonight? I don't want to leave her for too long."

"Edward, I want to go on a proper date. How about dinner and a walk on the Boardwalk or dancing or something? I really need a night out. I already feel guilty for it but I really, really need it," I said, feeling the weight of my guilt with every word.

"That sounds lovely. How about we plan on going to the Boardwalk and eating there? I will pick you up here around six thirty and we will plan on being back to get Natalie from Alice around eleven. Do you think that is too long to leave her the first time?"

"Well by the time we get her to Alice's and get back it will have only been gone for four hours. I don't think that is too long. We just need to tell her."

Edward smiles and looks at his watch. "It is nearly four o'clock now so we better tell her and I will leave you to get ready."

I kiss him square on the lips. He smiles against my lips and then deepens the kiss. I want to crawl into his lap and have a good old fashioned make out session but my very confused little girl is waiting to find out how long we are going to leave her. So I pull back and catch my breath.

I stand up to go get Natalie and Edward stands with me. He adjusts himself and I giggle. He smacks me on the ass and blushes a bit. He follows me into the bedroom, where we find Natalie curled up on the bed asleep.

I take a seat on the bed and brush her hair out of her face. Her sweet little nose and long eye lashes are the reminder that I needed of how fragile she is. I kiss her little pink cheek and she stirs a bit.

Edward gestures for me to leave her alone. We walk out to the living area again. "I will tell her in a bit so she can sleep."

He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around my waist. "I will see you in a little while," he says leaning his forehead against mine.

"In just over two hours so as much as I want to stay in your arms forever, you better get going so I can make myself presentable," I say with a giggle.

He kisses me and trails his kisses down my neck as he pulls away. "I'll be back in two hours."

He shows himself out as I stand in the middle of the room watching him.

I decide to take a shower and start getting ready before I wake Natalie. I take my time drying my hair so it is straight and I pick out a navy blue sun dress and some white wedges and since I didn't know where the night may lead I decided to wear some matching underthings. I kept my make-up light and natural since we were planning on being outside.

As I was dressing I heard Natalie making noises. I turned to see her sitting up and stretching out.

"Well hello, baby girl. Did you have a nice nap?"

"Yes, I didn't mean to fall asleep," she says sheepishly.

"Not a problem kiddo. We came in to tell you the plan for tonight and you were sound asleep."

She tilted her head to the side in question.

"We are going to leave here at six thirty and drop you off at Alice's then we will go to the Boardwalk for dinner and a long walk, then we will pick you up around eleven tonight. How does that sound?"

She thinks it over and then smiles. "Should I bring some jammies so I can be ready for bed when you get there? It will be pretty late."

"If you want to, that is perfectly fine with me. I'm sure Jamie will think it is fun to have a pajama party with you."

She hops up and grabs some clothes, her crayons and coloring book and a couple of movies. I send her off to brush her teeth and hair before Edward arrives.

He knocks on the door. When I answer it he is standing there in khaki shorts and a dark green fitted t-shirt showing off his arms and chest. He is holding a small bouquet of flowers. I smile and gesture for him to enter. He kisses my cheek as he passes me. Once I close the door he hands me the flowers.

Natalie emerges from the bathroom and we head out. I am more than a little excited and Natalie is visibly nervous. Edward cranks up some music as we drive and she calms down.

When we get to Alice's, Jamie is watching out the window for us. Before we have even left the car, she comes running out of the house. Natalie giggles at her enthusiasm.

"Natalie! I am so happy you are here. We are going to have a tea party and mommy said she would do make overs on us if you want."

I can't help but giggle at her too. She jumps into Edward's arms and squeals in delight like only a six year old can.

Natalie looks a little jealous of their connection and moves to hold his hand as soon as he sets Jamie down. Alice is waiting for us at the door.

Jamie practically sprints inside and calls for Natalie to follow. Alice moves aside to let her daughter in and notices Natalie's reluctance to leave Edward's side. I watch as Edward comes to a stop half way up the sidewalk and crouches down to talk to our girl. He whispers something in her ear and she smiles and nods. Then he pops up and they walk the rest of the way to the door. She hugs me tightly and kisses my cheek.

"I love you, momma," she says in my ear.

"I love you too, baby. We'll be back in a little while. You probably won't even miss us," I say back.

"Yes I will but I will be okay. I'm gonna have fun. You will too!" she says slyly.

"I hope so. Call me if you need to. Alice has my number," Edward says.

We kiss her cheek and tell Alice the plan. I explain that she has been nervous about us leaving and that she brought jammies since we will be picking her up after bedtime. Alice seems pretty excited by the idea of a pajama party.

Edward practically has to drag me to the car. Once inside he wastes no time pulling away. His hand is on my thigh and I can think of nothing but him. I quickly relax. I know she'll be just fine so now it is time to focus on Edward and I.