SPIKE: hey gang welcome to the directors commentary on my hit show
BOYMENS COWJAZZ
JET: hey how should we do this because half of this show is filler if you really want to get technical
SPIKE: if its in here its important
JET: all COWBOY BEBOP episodes are QUEENS
SPIKE: if she breath she a FILLER
JET: anyways
what happens in the first episode
i mean SESSION
SPIKE: that was filler
JET: but what about the parts with the BLOODY EYE
SPIKE: you mean RED EYE
JET: fuck off
SPIKE: on to SESSION 2
this is where story happens
JET: didnt you fight HAKEEM ABDUL JABBAR
SPIKE: lets take a look
[SESSION 2: STRAY DOG STRUT]
JET: someone stole a dog
SPIKE: yeah fuck dogs
im going to go congratulate him
JET: he has a bounty now
SPIKE: and arrest him
ABDUL HAKEM: i was in a BRUCE LEE movie
SPIKE: okay
ill be BRUCE LEE
[SPIKE hicks his head off so hard it doesnt come off]
BIG SCIENCE BOYS: we want that PUP
SPIKE: well i sure as fuck dont want it
and since you ask
im gonna have to keep the dog
[the POLICE arrest everyone but SPIKE and THE DOG]
JET: the dogs name is EIN
SPIKE: i dont care at all
[END of SESSION 2]
SPIKE: well JET
what did you think of that episode
i mean SESSION
JET: was i even in that one
SPIKE: probably we were the only established characters as of SESSION 2
JET: speaking of established characters
how about this next session
fuck it im calling it episode
how about this next one SPIKE
SPIKE: yeah
its when we met FAYE
JET: let me tell you all about it
[SESSION 3: HONKY TONK WOMAN]
FAYE: hello boys
JET: we are poor bounty hunters
FAYE: goodbye boys
[END of SESSION 3]
SPIKE: and we never saw her again
FAYE: you can fuck right off
JET: sometimes i imagine shes still here to take the pain away
FAYE: im so tired of fake friends
SPIKE: never relate me with friend ever again
FAYE: asshole
JET: uh so anyways heres the next one
[SESSION 4: GATEWAY SHUFFLE aka RETURN OF JAFAYE]
SPACE WARRIORS: we are ECOTERRORISTS
and we hate people who are bad to the enviornment
SPIKE: wow am i glad i just ate 35 LIVE FISH
JET: brb SPIKE im gonna go chop down a forrest
MURDOCH: hey do you guys like APE ESCAPE
[SPIKE puts a gun to MURDOCH's head]
SPIKE: in this house we only play BANJO KAZOOIE
[FAYE shows up]
FAYE: hey i get some of her bounty when you turn her in
SPIKE: why would i agree to that
FAYE: please
SPIKE: wow what a good point
wait NO
no its not
goodbye
SONS OF MURDOCH: this is for SHREK!
[THE SPACE WARRIORS threathen to unleash a VERY BAD VIRUS into the general public of GANYMEDE]
SPIKE: oh fuck...
what times is it in GANYMEDE
JET: its AUTUMN IN GANYMEDE
SPIKE: well fuck now we gotta let her go
[the BEBOP BOYS give MURDOCH back to the SPACE WARRIORS]
MURDOCH: yeah were still gonna infect everyone
GANYMEDE: nah
[GANYMEDE begins to close the HYPERSPACE GATEWAYS]
JET: hey anyone know what episode this is
FAYE: i think like episode 4
JET: and how many episodes are there of this thing
SPIKE: well if you dont count MISH MASH BLUES like 26
JET: okay so were gonna get out of this sticky situation
[THE BEBOPPERS escape, THE SPACE WARRIORS get turned into MONKEYS]
FAYE: hey im joining the BEBOP crew
SPIKE: no you arent
FAYE: fuck you i do what i want
[FAYE joins the BEBOP, END OF SESSION]
SPIKE: did i mention i dont like FAYE
FAYE: they dont pay me enough to do this shit
JET: say SPIKE
SPIKE: yeah JET
JET: we probably shouldnt have started to do this right around e3 huh
SPIKE: now that you mention it you CAN tell the points in this parody where the author stopped writing for a few days
FAYE: at least SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY looks good huh gang
anyways lets get into the next one
SPIKE: BALLAD OF FALLEN ANGELS is next right?
wow what a good time to pause this you idiot writer
ME, WHO WROTE THIS WHOLE DA*N THING: i hope you like my self deprecation
here comes the rest of it unless i dont finish this tonight
okay no more meta shit
[SESSION 5: BALLAD OF FALLEN ANGELS aka THE ONE WHERE THE REOCCURRING PLOT ACTUALLY STARTS THEN DISAPPEARS FOR A WHILE]
SPIKE: hey you guys ever here of VICIOUS
JET: thats not a real fucking name no way
SPIKE: well anyways the RED DRAGON SYNDICATE is fucked
JET: shut up and go collect a bounty
SPIKE: yeah sure, ill be right ba-
[FAYE gets kidnapped by VICIOUS...right? VICIOUS kidnaps her right? anyways VICIOUS holds FAYE hostage in a CHURCH]
SPIKE: hello-
VICIOUS: WHEN ANGELS FALL OUT OF HEAVEN THEY BECOME DEMONS
DONT YOU AGREE SPIKE
SPIKE: wha-
VICIOUS: YOURE LIVING A BAD DREAM THAT YOU'LL NEVER WAKE UP FROM SPIKE
SPIKE: who did this to you
VICOUS: A BEAST WHO LOST HIS FANGS DID THIS TO ME SPIKE
AND BECAUSE OF THAT HE DIED AND NOW YOU DO TO
BECAUSE YOU WERE THAT BEAST
SPIKE: wow, okay
let me say my side of the story
i-
THE SINGER FROM "RAIN": I DONT FEEL A THING
AND I STOPPED REMEMBERING
VICIOUS: WE BOTH HAVE THE BLOOD OF A WANDERING BEAST
SPIKE: i dont think i do
VICIOUS: SHUT THE FUCK OF...
SPIKE: hey you'r ewearing plot armor right
VICIOUS: YES
SPIKE: okay cool just checking
[VICIOUS slams SPIKE through the CHURCH WINDOW. SPIKE has a flashback of MARIA FROM SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG. oh yeah and FAYE is okay she got OUTTA THERE]
SPIKE: wow MARIA FROM SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG you seem plot important
MARIA FROM SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG: my name is JULIA
SPIKE: sing for me
MARIA FROM SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG: I AM ALL OF ME
[SPIKE regains conciousness]
FAYE: I AM ALL OF ME
SPIKE: guess what FAYE
FAYE: oh good youre alive
what is it
SPIKE: UNKNOWN FROM M.E. is better
[SESSION END]
JET: so where was i this episode
SPIKE: no one cares this is my show
FAYE: you get your episodes later
just like me
JET: okay so what about these next few episodes
FAYE: ultimately the dont really add much to the overarching plot
SPIKE: okay then im gonna mish mash these ones together
[SESSIONS 6+7: SYMPATHY FOR THE HEAVY METAL QUEEN]
JET: SPIKE
theres this annoying fucking kid whos actually like 80 years old
SPIKE: oh i got this bruh
[SPIKE shoots THAT IDIOT KID in the head and he turns OLD and DIES]
SPIKE: heh...see you space dweeb
FAYE: quick gang...we need to hang out with this cool old lady
VT: im not old
FAYE: and whats with this music
VT: its BABY METAL you loser
SPIKE: well okay but whats the plot of this episode
VT: no one knows my TRUE NAME
SPIKE: well im a bounty hunter so i could probably figure it out
VT: i fucking hate bounty hunters
SPIKE: oh so you must be VICTORIA TERPSICHORE former wife of A LEGENDARY BOUNTY HUNTER
VT: that sure is me
SPIKE: okay, cool
[END OF SESSIONS]
JET: so remind me again why we didnt include the next session in with these ones
SPIKE: because WALTZ FOR ZIZI is a good ass song
FAYE: yup
JET: good point
go listen to WALTZ FOR ZIZI off of the COWBOY BEBOP SOUNDTRACK today folks!
[SESSION 8: WALTZ FOR...venus? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ZIZI?]
SPIKE: i know kung fu
ROCCO: teach me so i can go fight some goons because of drug money or something
SPIKE: just flow like water
ROCCO: flow like butter...got it!
thanks SPIKE
[ROCCO runs off to go fight THE GOONS or whatever. SPIKE talks to ROCCO'S SISTER STELLA]
SPIKE: okay whats going on why is ROCCO and idiot
STELLA: he wants to cure my VENUS SICKNESS
it made me blind so now he does crime stuff
SPIKE: great
JET: can i be in this episode
SPIKE: NO
FAYE: what about me
SPIKE: heres ten dollars leave me alone forever
[ROCCO DIES I FORGET IF STELLA GETS CURED PROBABLY NOT IT DOESNT MATTER LETS GET TO RADICAL EDWARD]
SPIKE: oopsies
[END of SESSION]
SPIKE: ED
JET: ED
FAYE: ED
SPIKE, JET, AND FAYE: ED
ED
ED
RADICAL EDWARD
ED: here is the ED you have been looking for
i am proud to present my very own episode
i made it with someone else hands
here is the EDWARD SESSION
[SESSION 9: JAMMING WITH EDWARD]
JET: so i hear there is a SUPERHACKER on EARTH which is now FUCKED by the way
SPIKE: heyyyyyyyy lets go and get that reward
[THEY go to EARTH]
SPIKE: aw fuck its some little shit kid
ED: fool. you have absolutely no idea who you are dealing with. i could kill you in an instant if i so wished. i could crush you under my pinky finger
SPIKE: uh okay welcome to the crew
[END of SESSION]
ED: hey thanks for having me by the way guys
SPIKE:
JET:
FAYE:
ED:
i hate this family
SPIKE: hey audience can you tell i once again put off writing this?
if all goes as planned im writing literally everything else tonight. its 9 right now and ive put this off for weeks
JET: did you say you would cut this meta bullshit out
SPIKE: okay okay on to the next episode which was the next cool or plot relevant one
FAYE: uuuuuh hold on ill future google it
oh yeah its the ALIEN one
SPIKE: roll film
[SESSION 11: TOYS IN THE ATTIC: COVENANT]
JET: is there anything to eat on this hell ship
SPIKE: well we're surrounded by assholes and dicks all the time so
JET: fuck off SPIKE
SPIKE: oh wait i got one of those rock lobster things in the hell fridge that we have
the one thats connected straight to the 9th circle of hell
JET: maybe dont
SPIKE: ITS TOO LATE JET
[SPIKE OPENS THE INTERDIMENSIONAL DINNER PORTAL TO THE NEXT DIMENSION]
LOBSTER MONSTER: finally i am free
[LOBSTER MONSTER fuckin knocks out JET FAY and EIN]
ED: oh dont worry bruh we got this
SPIKE: time to fuckin load up little shit...
[SPIKE equips a FLAMETHROWER and some other RIPLEY shit]
SPIKE: they call me ranch cause i be dressing
ED: fool.
SPIKE: okay ill kill the damn thing
[SPIKE shoots the LOBSTER MONSTER and FRIDGE outta the BEBOP]
ED: all of our friends have perished. how tragic
SPIKE: nah they'll be back
ED: time is a flat circle , SPIKE
your time will come
SPIKE: uh
[END of SESSION]
SPIKE: mind you i have the complete series box set but ill be damned if im watching all these episodes again
JET: they are pretty accurate i guess
FAYE: this is an ambridgement parody type thing so it doesnt really matter
EIN: bark
SPIKE: good point EIN
on to the next episode
oooooooh fuck im only at JUPITER JAZZ are you fucking joking me
and all the filler episodes are good at this point too
fuck me
and fayes backstory too
no way is this all happening
this is the part where everything in this fic dissovles into chaos and madness so i can finish this thing quicker
here we go
[JUPITER JAZZ GOOO PART 1 AND 2]
FAYE: im tired of this half assed writer im escaping this fic and taking all the money
[FAYE leaves the fic for whichever moon she goes to]
JET: SPIKE WE NEED TO GET HER BACK
WE CANT LOSE THE BEST BACKSTORY WE GOT WE GOTTA GO GET HER
SPIKE: apologize to me and JULIA for what you said
im goin to JUPITER to play some JAZZ with BILL CLINTON...
JET: fine ill get her back then
VICIOUS: IM ALSO HERE AND I THINK I USED THIS GIMMICK FOR BALLAD OF FALLEN ANGELS
DID I ITALICIZE TOO?
UNDERLINE?
I DONT THINK SO THAT LOOKS BAD
anyways im on JUPITER TOO
also looking for JULIA
FAYE: and here i am with this possibly insensitive character but also idki havent thought about it that much
GREN: hi
i hate VICIOUS
ill help you find him
[SPIKE GREN AND VICIOUS SHOOT AT EACH OTHER and stuff]
GREN: well im dead
VICIOUS: ILL BE BACK FOR THE FINALE
SPIKE: i miss JULIA's SWEET ASS
[END OF JAZZ]
SPIKE: hey folks i just lost the already rushed work i did up to this point
i did the episode with FAYE backstory
im tired of living lets see if i can remember it
sorry to all my fans
[ROUND 2 FAYE SHIT GO]
RANDOM ASS DUDE: hey fFAYE i got a deliver for you
FAYE: is it backstory and exposition
ASS DUDE: how did you know
FAYE: i wrote this jokes already
you're about to vanish from the universe because of laziness
DUDE: how do you know
FAYE: watch
: OH F-
FAYE: anyways looks like im a past girl from EARTH and thats why im poor
SPIKE: hey SPIKE i got this VHS in the mail that said FAYE R34 on it
JET: im very confidant thats not what it is
ive seen COWBOY BEBOP before and im crying just thinking about this episode
SPIKE: lets boot it up
[THE CREW WATCH THAT VERY SAD VIDEO]
SPIKE: i very much want to die now
time to crash the BEBOP into EARTH
[HE DOES]
ED: fools. you have reunited me with my father whos foolish demeanor despite the harsh reality of the gloomy world around him fills me with what must be joy'
i am leaving this starship and taking the dog with me
FAYE: oh yeah and by the way im gonna go wander off and find home
[FAYE lays down in THE SPOT WHERE HER CHILDHOOD BED USED TO BE]
ED'S DAD: hey thanks for delivering to me a child
[ED DAD GIVES SPIKE A LOT OF EGGS]
JET: hey spike do you still feel like dying
SPIKE: very very much
[THEY EAT JUST A WHOLE LOT OF EGGS TO DROWN OUT THE SORROW]
[END OF THE FAYE SAGA]
SPIKE: im depressed
lets go right into REAL FOLK BLUES
[REAL FOLK BLUES: BEGIN]
RED DRAGON SYNDICATE FOLKS: we're gonna break through that fleet
VICIOUS: CANT LET YOU DO THAT STAR FOX
RED DRAGON FOLKS: something wrong with the G DEFUSER
VICIOUS: LONG LIVE THE KING
[VICIOUS KILLS ALL THE RED DRAGON DUDES]
VICIOUS: haha nice
SPIKE: my JULIA senses are tingling
JET: ive heard enough about JULIA go shut up and die you old rat fuck
SPIKE: i already did thay once it didnt take but fine guess ill try again
JULIA: oh hi SPIKE
SPIKE: oh hai JULIA
[JULIA dies]
SPIKE: .
VICIOUS: SPIKE
ME AND YOU COULD RULE THIS CITY SPIDERMAN
OR WE COULD JUST FIGHT TO THE DEATH
YOU DECIDE
SPIKE: okay idiot
FAYE: okay im done fuckin around SPIKE\
please do not go
SPIKE: i hear what your saying
but i dont care
i have some philosophical shit to do
JET: Thats our SPIKE! (TM)(C)
[SPIKE GOES KILLS VICIOUS AND KINDA SORTA ALMOST DIES]
SPIKE: hheh...shot em!
[SPIKE FALLS DOWN]
[THE REAL FOLKS BLUES]
JET: well
SPIKE what did you think of the series
SPIKE: i mean
not as good as attack on titan
i wish there were more big boobie anime girls
FAYE: the producers have told me we have been had our funding pullled two hours ago
JET: this isnt fair
we didnt ever get to talk about my episodes
FAYE: oh please COWBOY FUNKBRAIN SCRATCH is better than BOOGIE WOOGIE FENG SHUI
JET: okay but what about BLACK DOG SERENADE
SPIKE: COWBOY FUNK
ED: MURSHROOM SAMBA
EIN: bark
[THE PRODUCERS cut the feed on the BEBOP CREW]
[the REAL real folk blues: end]