Amanda's POV
"I'm pregnant" he looks down at the pregnancy test in my hands and I walk over to the bed and sit down next to him
"Are you sure?" I look down at the little pink plus sign and feel my heart drop all over again, I think of the other two that sit on the bathroom sink right now that have the same plus signs
"Pretty sure. This is the third test" I hand him the test and watch as he looks down and covers his face with his hands, this is exactly the reaction I had expected from him.
"How could this have happened? We were always so careful, I mean we always use a condom"
"It must have broke or something, I mean they aren't always effective" he doesn't even look up when he speaks to me, he must be upset, he has to be upset, I mean he hasn't said anything. "Are you upset?" he looks up at me and I see nothing but compassion in his eyes
"I'm not mad, please don't think I'm mad" he takes my hands into his and looks into my eyes as he talks "I"m just surprised that's all, I mean we already have Gil and Zara but we can make it work" he smiles at me and while that should be reassuring I don't feel any better about this. He must take my silence to mean something because he suddenly looks worried "Are you okay?" I think about what he has asked me and I honestly don't know the answer to his question. How do I feel about this? I love Nick and love his children like they are my own but I have never thought about having children, for a while it was about finding a man that I could actually trust, after going through the rape from someone who I had worked with closely that I was meant to trust broke that how could I have trusted any other man again? It wasn't until I met Nick that I knew there was hope out there for a good guy, while he has his flaws I have never loved anyone more.
Part of the reason I fell so hard was the way he was around his children and here he was sitting in front of me ready to do everything he can for me and his child, finding the right guy to settle down with and start of family never became a problem anymore the moment me and Nick first got together. The other reason I never thought about kids, well the main reason I never wanted to have kids was because of the things I see on a daily basis at my job. Working in the special victims unit was such a rewording job, getting justice for the victims was a whole new feeling on its own, one that brought such a fulfillment to my life and I wouldn't want it any other way but seeing these victims day after day, especially the children is something that really starts to get to you. I couldn't remember all the cases of molestation and rape on innocent children who never deserved the abuse they go through, never deserve to be violated in such a way and I never thought I could bring a child into such a fucked up world where this happens everyday. I will do everything I can to protect this child and Nick's children but that idea in the back of my mind that there is always a chance that one of these terrible things could happen to them will always be there, always a possibility.
"I'm not sure" I stand up and pick the pregnancy test up from the bed and take it over to the bathroom sink and set it next to the rest of them, I walk back out into the bedroom and find Nick standing there not knowing to do next, he must think my reaction to finding out I am going to be a mother is unusual and I'm sure it is. All I can think about is how different this must have been from the last time Nick was in this position, Maria must have been trilled to find out that she was carrying his child, I remember back when Nick accused me of being jealous of her and it burned me that he actually thought I was, I hated him to compare me to her but in this case he might be right. I'm not jealous of her but am jealous of the way he made him feel in a moment like this, and knowing that I couldn't live up to it, couldn't be what he deserved in this moment.
"Well this explains you throwing up this morning, and this afternoon"
"Yeah"
"How did you think that you could have been pregnant?"
"I went to go get something to try and settle my stomach and I read the back and it advised against taking if you were pregnant or might be. I thought about it and realized that I was late so instead I bought three pregnancy tests" I remember after Fin dropped me off at the house and the moment I walked in I rushed to the toilet, after throwing my guts up I went out to get something to help me try and get back to work but from the moment I counted how long it had been since my last period I knew I wasn't going to be getting back to work anytime soon. I remember how anxious I felt standing there and picking from all the different kinds of test that they had, I ended getting three different ones just to be sure and nearly didn't even buy them. As soon as I got home I set them out on the bed and just kind of stared at them, I couldn't work up the courage to actually take them yet so I decided to pick up the kids as a way to avoid it. I sat out in the living room and played with Zara for a while but I started to feel sick again and knew I couldn't avoid it any longer. Not wanting to be interrupted I told the kids that I wasn't feeling well and that I needed to go and lie down, I remember how waiting those five minutes were the most anxious filled minutes of my life, and knowing that after the results came back my life would either be the same or change forever.
"How do you feel about this?" I could tell that my behavior made him nervous, by now Nick knows how I am different and very distant when it comes to things like this, that's why it took so long for us to move in together and that's why we still haven't gotten engaged. We are happy with the way our life was going, but now everything is going to be different, I don't mean it as a bad different but now with this baby coming there is such an expectation to change everything, to get married and also the fact that in nine months I will be in charge or another human being.
"I'm not really sure but I think I should get dinner started, I'm sure the kids are hungry" I turn away from him but see the look on his face, he looks confused as I open the bedroom door and walk into the kitchen. I look over into the living room and find Zara and Gil both watching TV, Nick follows closely behind me and tries to keep his voice down when he talks
"You don't think we need to talk about this?" he looks over to the kids to make sure they can't hear us, he knows that he could very well be starting a fight and he doesn't want them to be around if it happens, after seeing what he did growing up I don't blame him from trying to protect his children.
"What is there to be talked about?" I must have raised my voice because I can see Zara and Gil turning to face us, they get up from the couch and walk over with Frannie following behind, I turn and make a quick look in the fridge but am not really in the mood to cook anything right now "Hey guys, how about you go and take Frannie out and I will order us some pizza for dinner" Zara smiles and runs off to go and get the dog leash and Gil follows her. We both wait until we can hear the sound of the door closing before any of us talks again.
"You don't think we should start planning or anything?"
"Why would we start to plan so early, I mean I just found out like ten minutes ago"
"Amanda I have done this before and everything is going to happen so quickly that it's probably best to start and make plans now" he seems a little angry, but not at me, he just seems angry about the way I am taking this so nonchalantly as if this isn't as big of a deal as it really is. I don't want to answer him so instead I just dial the phone number to the pizza place and order us some dinner, Nick waits as I am on the phone and I can tell he is trying to calm himself down, I know he doesn't want to be upset at me and I know I shouldn't get upset with him either, I know that I am probably not reacting the same way that anyone who found out they were pregnant would but I just wish he could have some more patients with me sometimes. I hang up the phone after giving the guy our address and think about how I am going to respond to him.
"I know you have but I still have to wrap my head around this okay?" he must notice that I sound upset
"Amanda this is a baby we are talking about, I just want you to be prepared to be a mom that's all"
"What baby?" we both turn our heads in the direction of the door and find Zara and Gil standing there still holding Frannie's leash, we must not have heard the sound of them coming in over our probably loud discussion. Nick turns to me and looks for any direction to take this conversation, I nod my head as an indication that he can tell them the news. I knew I had to tell them that they were going to get a new sibling sometime but I didn't imagine it would be this soon, it makes everything feel so much more real.
"Amanda's pregnant" I lean against the counter and try not to look at Nick but I can't miss the smile that spreads across Zara's face, she runs towards Nick and he picks her up
"Really" I try and give her my best smile as I answer her question
"Yeah"
"Is it going to be a boy or a girl?"
"We don't know yet sweetie" I look over at Gil who is still standing by the door, he is petting the dog and I can't really sense how he is feeling about all of this, he hasn't said anything and that worries me a little bit. I know how much he likes me but maybe he doesn't like the idea about another baby. Nick must notice too because he talks for me
"What about you Gil, how do you feel about this?"
"I'm excited" he smiles and I feel a little relived
"Are you sure? Your really okay with this?"
"Yeah, of course I am" he doesn't seem as enthusiastic as Zara is but that's just his personality, he has always been quiet and I'm just glad that he is taking this as well as I could expect a kid who found out he had a sibling he had never known about and just found out he is going to get another one. I feel a huge relief about everything and it starts to really set in, I am going to be a mom. We wait for the pizza and once it gets here we all sit down to eat, Nick and I listen to stories from the day that they had at their grandmothers house and things feel easier, I really could get used to falling into this role that thanks to much practice I think I might actually mange not to mess it up. After dinner we all sit down to watch a movie, during Zara falls asleep and when it's done Nick picks her up and carries her into her room, Gil tells me that he is getting pretty tired so after saying goodnight he goes off and gets ready for bed too. I go into the bathroom and turn the water on for a shower, I step in after shedding my cloths and as every drop of water slides down my body I can feel the stress from the day leaving my body as well.
When I get out and change into my pajamas I walk out of the bathroom to find Nick already laying in bed, he smiles at me "Hey"
"Hey" I lay down next to him and try and find a way to get comfortable, I decide on laying on my back. Nick looks over at me and looks like he is going to say something but closes his mouth, I turn my head to face him "What? You looked like you were going to say something"
"It's just that when Maria was pregnant she never slept on her back because she said it wasn't good for the baby" I turn to face the opposite side of him, I try not to get angry but it's no secret that it bothers me when he brings her up, especially now. I feel his arms wrap around me and pull me closer to him, he plants small kisses on my hair and rests his hands on my stomach, I don't know if it's purposeful or just accidental but it does feel comforting. "I'm sorry" he whispers close to my ear and it sends chills down my spine
"I'm sorry I have been so moody today"
"It's okay, you have an excuse now" he laughs and I can feel the way his whole body moves. I turn around to face him and he kisses me gently
"I know you have done this before but it's just a lot right now"
"I know and I'm sorry if you feel like I have put some pressure on you, that wasn't my intention"
"I know it wasn't, I just haven't been through this so I guess I just haven't gotten excited the same way you are"
"I am pretty excited, I mean your having our baby"
"I'm going to warn you now that with the genes in my family I might not be the best person to have a child with"
"Amanda don't say that"
"It's true though, haven't you met my sister? God help us if it's a girl" I turn again so that I am comfortable in his arms again "Let's not tell anyone at work just yet okay?"
"Okay" I wait until Nick is asleep and has already let go of me to sneak out of the room, I walk into the room that Zara and Gil now share and watch them as they are sleeping. I go over and kiss the top of Zara's head and then make my way over to where Gil is sleeping and kiss his head too. I walk out and take one last glance at them and think about how much I love them and soon there will be one more child that I will love.