Addict
Part 5- RELAPSE
R-M Mature themes, language, acts
Enjoy!
It's been five months with her. And six months celibate. I'm alive. I'm so alive, and it's because I'm living now. I'm living, and it feels so good to be alive, and be me, and to have her.
We kiss, like teenagers. We talk like adults. We bring out the best in each other, like soulmates.
Sometimes we sleep over at each other's place, no sex of course. We enter each other's spaces without knocking. Although, we each have each other's keys, and we don't barge in often on each other without calling. She, has a second home here. As does Zozo.
Today we hang out casually. Bonnie lay on the beach with her head in my lap. She held a small book up, and read it to me. It was a book of poetry. No big names, some locally published work of a group of college students. I'm not even sure where she found it. She uses the book to shield her face from the sun.
Yes, the sun. It was out today, with clear skies. No overcasting elephants, and whales in the sky. Floating across the sky safari or sky ocean. And my eyes are burning, so she made me where a baseball cap. Whenever the sun is out like this, she drags me out here to read. But the deal, is she has to let me take pictures of her.
"Bon Bon, what started your like for poetry?"
"Kidding me? Poetry is like dance. With words."
"How so?"
"Well, when I'm on stage, I get to tell a story with my body. My soul gets to express without words what I'm feeling. Or what the choreo is telling me to feel. That is why Elijah and I worked so well together. Being as though we were intimate, and in a relationship, he got to understand the way my mind worked. He was able to choreograph for me, to my detailed emotional expressions."
Elijah, the asshole. "Is that also, what lead to the mental and emotional abuse?"
"Probably. It was more or less, him knowing I was young and naive. But at a very young age, I was able to express my feelings in depths, through dance. And then I found some support group, which encourages us to express in words how we felt. Eventually I met some other people my age, who took me to spoken word readings. And this is when, my love with words began."
"Bonnie, you're so in touch with your emotions."
She finally put the book down, and squinted at me, as the suns glare melted her lids, to nearly closed. "Unlike you, Damon. You're so closed off. Share something with me."
"Like what?"
"Anything. You're parents?"
"Eh, they aren't interesting. Or maybe they are. We aren't the closest. But I do love them." She looked at me, as if she wanted me to elaborate. But I didn't.
"Okaaaaay... siblings."
"One brother."
"Seriously? You never mentioned him."
"We haven't spoken in years."
"Why?"
"We butt heads." I didn't elaborate. I just gave her answers to suffice the silence of my life. It wasn't much, but I gave her something, right?"
"You're ex?"
"Nothing to tell. It ended. Waaay overdue break-up. Plenty of wasted time."
"Is that why you're in therapy? Your relationships with these people in your life..." Why does she care so much? Why can't she just be okay with me, and my lack of baggage?
"I'm in therapy because I want to live a life of peace." She became quiet, and she was sure, I'd keep doing this so, she finally stopped. She turned and sat up, the straddled me, and pulled my hat off. "Ouch Bonnie, the sun is in my eyes."
"Sorry." She closed my lids, and kissed them both. "Better?"
"Not quite." She moved lower to my nose, then kissed that.
"Better."
"Ehh. Not quite." She then moved to my chin, and kissed it.
"Better?"
"Maybe, you're getting warmer."
Then my cheeks, and my forehead. "Better?"
"You were the warmest near my chin." She put her nose to mine and giggled. Then her lips tickled mine. She teased me for a few seconds, like she'd kiss me, the she pulled back. "Hey. You were really hot just then."
"I'm not letting you con me out of a kiss." I felt her body lift, to get off me, and I yanked her back down. "You're not about to manhandle me, just because you can."
"No, I'm gonna manhandle you, because... you want me to." I looked her in the eyes, "tell me you don't want me to."
She shook her head, and bit her lip. "I can't." I turned her over, lay her on the blanket, and we kissed right there, in broad daylight, not caring who saw us. We did this, all afternoon, before going to her house and making lunch together.
...
Therapy a month later!
...
"Your entire energy is exceedingly more positive, than it was about eight or nine months ago, Damon. There is some honest, happiness generating from you."
"I feel different."
"She's opening you up. She's like another form of therapy?"
"I wouldn't say that she's a form of therapy. But, I would say she's become, the Andy Warhol to my white walls." He leaned back into the couch, and then sat up and leaned forward, and rested his elbows on his knees. He'd become engaged in the conversation and less combative, and defensive.
"Fascinating. For the past three months, your life has taken several turns. A few months ago, you were battling the natural connection between the two of you. And before that, you'd gone a month without interaction. That really forced you to evaluate your choices. I commend your being honest with her."
"There was no other opportunity. She was moving on. I had to let her know, even if it meant she'd reject me. For months we've really just kissed, and maybe a little touching. But this past month, she got an audition and made it. So, she's working more. It's been like a month since we've sat and kissed for hours. Mostly little kisses here and there."
"Does it bother you?"
"Yeah, of course. That intimacy from her, gives me everything I need."
"Well, when you see her next, address it."
"No, I don't want to seem like a pervert. I'm just going to wait, and see, if she'll kiss me."
"Damon, you need to start opening up to her emotionally. She can't know how to be there for you, if you're not honest. Your concealing your feelings, might be pushing her away, without either of you realizing it."
"I'm trying Doc. I really am. I'm getting closer to opening to her more, I can feel it. As you know, I need to tell her about a lot."
"Does she know that your ex contacted you?"
"No. I thought to invite her for dinner one night this week and talk to her."
"What will you tell her? Will you admit having met with your ex?"
"I want to be honest, but I don't want to push her away. I met with my ex, because she told me she wanted to speak about the way everything ended. As a part of my growing I agreed to do that, and tried get closure. I didn't think the ex would apologize." He hated saying his exes name. Lack of closure, and debilitating, lingering doubt and insecurities.
"It must have felt nice to be vindicated."
"Yes. But... but she kissed me, and that was the part I don't know how to explain."
"Do you have feelings for this woman?"
"I want to say, not in an emotional way. But, it's hard to know how much truth is to that, because of that unhealed scar tissue, and who she was to me back then. But sexually, I can't deny the feelings we'd had back then."
"Did you want to have sex with her, when you saw her?"
"I hate to say it, but yes. It's wrong I know. I wanted to touch her and feel that feeling again. For a second, then I immediately remembered Bonnie, and how much I'd much rather share these moments with her. I sat there with the same exact, on edge feeling I'd had when we dated. It was a disgusting feeling when I left. I felt like I deliberately cheated on Bonnie."
"It's important to know, there's balance in between these two women's roles in your life. One balance leans towards the anger, sadness, triggers, abuse, destruction and pain. The other leans towards growth, progress, respect, and the possibility for a strong, loving and equally developed and challenging relationship.
"But I don't want Bonnie to be hurt by the kiss."
"Would you feel hurt, if she kissed her ex?"
"Ugh, Doc. It's hard to say. He and I don't like each other, and he has a restraining order against me. It's different."
"And the altercation. Has she been in contact with him?"
"I try not to ask her. We are still very casual, in the sense we give each other personal space."
"How would you feel if she was?"
"I don't know. It's her life."
"Try to think of an answer without shutting down. Express your feelings, about her having possible contact with him."
"I would be... I mean, I guess I'd be angry. He hit her. He hurt her. In many ways. We talk to each other, a lot. She told me, he would use sex as a weapon. It reminded me of my ex."
"The one you never talk about but suddenly met with after ten odd years?"
"Yes. She did the things he does. She, held me in a way that I wouldn't leave. Sex. She never had to apologize. She'd seduce me. She never had to move us forward. She'd just be seductive. I thought sex was love when it came to she and my relationship."
"So, when you broke up, sex became the opposite of love. It became your tool for protection. You thought about it as the "anti-love." You had sex with many women, every month. You couldn't process without the physical touch, sans the emotion. And now, you're in a place where you haven't had sex in six months. The longest in over ten years. How does it make you feel?"
Damon stood up and walked around the office. He finally tensed up a little, because he was still fighting those sexual urges. "It's hard Doc. I don't have this dire need for sex, when I'm alone with her the way I did, with the other women. Before I would have sex with them to avoid serious conversations, and emotional debates. But..., when I'm with Bonnie, there is everything else happening. We talk, and cook. We take naps on the beach. We walk on the beach alone. We walk Zozo. I even watch Zozo, when she goes to work, so he's not home alone. And when I go to the studio, she asked me if I could bring her one day, to show her what I do, and to see the work I have for auction and sale."
He walks to an empty wall and leans back on it. "It all sounds fulfilling."
"It is."
"I sense a but, coming?"
"But, I still look at her, and want to fuck her. Excuse my language. I love all of these amazing things about her. I really do. I love learning about her, listening to her, and talking to her. I love that for once, I have someone, other than you to talk to. No offense."
"None taken."
"But I want to touch her, and make love to her."
"So, maybe the two of you are ready for sex, nearly seven months do you feel ready to move forward."
"I don't know."
"What are you afraid of?"
"Look at the fact that I had lunch with my ex and haven't said anything. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to move forward without telling her."
"Does part of you want to have sex with your ex if she were in front of you today?"
"I don't know. She is beautiful on the outside. The inside is not really for me though. I mean, I'd love to have sex with Bonnie. Because, the not having sex thing, is hard. But I'd do it for her. Because she's worth it. The thing with my ex, I didn't know better. Calling me out of the blue, was a side bar, and she invited me to lunch. There's nothing else to it. It meant nothing to me, I think."
"But you're afraid to tell Bonnie?"
"Really afraid, actually. What she and I have, is the most valuable and precious part of my life. What we've built, is something I don't want to ruin or taint."
"What happens, if you tell Bonnie, and she's fine with it. And eventually she's ready to move forward, sexually. What does having a sexual relationship with Bonnie mean to you?"
"This may be where I sound confusing now. I wanna make love to her, yes. But, I'm afraid of having sex with her, and then everything else disappears. The feelings, the connection, the friendship. I'm afraid to disappoint her. It's been a year for her without sex. That's almost twice as long as me. I'm only at seven months.
"Do you want to be her friend, or her lover?"
"I want to be both."
"Then be both."
"Right now, friendship, is okay. She's celibate. And as long as she's celibate, I'm safe. I can focus on the friendship. Although, we are somewhere between friendship, and serious relationship."
"What will you do, when she is ready to pursue something more? Because she is sharing everything with you. A lot of women, come to a point where it's now or never, all or nothing. I'm not saying this will be her too, but, women do get to this point, and usually, they don't take as long as men. So, I urge you to give it some thought. How you'd handle progression?"
"Okay, Doc. Any assignment for me this week?"
"Did you ever use your artificial vagina?"
"That's a joke, right? I'm never buying one of those."
"How many times have you dealt with vasocongestion?"
"What?"
"Blue balls?"
"Every week. I die, at least twice."
"I thought so. Listen, here's a number and address. Go there. Ask for Karen. She will very discreetly help you out and answer any questions about this issue. Before you get worried, she's just a privatized sex toy consultant."
"Wow, Doc. Okay. Nice to know your hooking me up with your dealer." He laughed.
"Very funny. By the end of this week, you can see how you like it. If you absolutely hate it, next week you'll never hear my mouth again."
"Sure, but I can pretty much guarantee, I'll hate it."
"Okay. Then I'll personally refund you."
...
Today, Bonnie is coming over. I told her I'd make her dinner. I was debating speaking to her about something that happened two weeks ago. My ex called me to meet up. The last interaction ended in conflict. In fact, there was a negative exchange between her and I often enough, that the last one, was just the last time it happened. So, Bonnie is far from her biggest fan. Especially, after having learned how our relationship progressed.
I'm not the best cook. But, I went for something different. I normally order take out. But, I have a point to prove tonight. I have to show her, she means more than, just easy. Take out is easy. Making a dinner from scratch, that's dedication.
"Hello... " she called out as she walked into the house from the back door. That's our thing, now. We walk into each other houses from the back door.
"Hey stranger. I haven't spoken to you since yesterday morning."
"Sorry. I didn't think I'd end up staying the night at my mom's house. She gets lonely when her boyfriend is out of town for work."
"How is your mom doing?"
"She's good. Still gives me shit, about buying the beach house. But, honestly, I don't care. She makes a lot of decisions I'm not a fan of."
"She may just be hurt, that all of your hard-earned money went back in your dad's pockets."
"Of course, she is. But, my father and my mother can stop going between me to be bitter at each other."
She sat down a bottle of Prosecco. "You know I have some bottles in my cellar."
"I know. But, I brought one to be a nice guest. Plus, I also brought some desert."
"Really? What did you bring?"
"Chocolate chip cookies from this bakery that I like."
"Aww, too bad. I had made a lemon cake, from scratch."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really. Why so Surprised?"
"I don't know. It's just, you always order take out, I didn't think you cooked, let alone baked."
"I can cook simple things. But what I made tonight, was something new. For you. All fresh ingredients, and a couple of weeks back you told me you liked Lemon Merengue Pie. That was a bit harder to make, according to the recipe. I'll work my way up to it. So, I made lemon cake instead." It weakens me, when she smiles at me, that way. I think I made her a little nervous, by having cooked and baked tonight.
"Well, I'd rather have your lemon cake. We can save my cookies for another time. I'm curious, what's the special occasion?"
"You."
"Me? You made this, just for me. Did I do something to deserve this?"
"Do you have to have done something? No. You are special to me, and I wanted to do something special for you." She walked towards me smiling, and her lips found my cheek. There was a kiss and a hug.
"What's that for?"
"I don't know. I just feel overwhelmed and joyful today. I left yesterday, and it felt weird, being gone, knowing you were here alone with Zozo. And I wanted to call you last night to apologize. We didn't go on our swim, and it affected me. After my mom drove me crazy with questions about my personal life, and drilling me about the beach house, I headed to bed and missed you and Zozo."
"Wow. You missed me?"
"I did. I know, that's probably creepy. And you're not trying to be in something serious. But, as far as my therapy goes, and as far as how my relationship with you has helped me, I just felt the absence of you last night, and it was lonely."
"Why did you text me good night, when you could've called instead?"
"As I've mentioned, we are, kind of dating, kind of friends, and I didn't want to over step a boundary, by being clingy."
"A boundary?"
"Yes. Our relationship has some really blurred lines, and there's certain moments I become confused."
"Don't ever feel, like you're crossing a boundary with me. I cooked you dinner for crying out loud. I don't know where the boundaries are either. I guess, we can figure them out together." Sometimes, Bonnie stares at me in a way that keeps me locked into her. There's a seductiveness that's natural, and draws me to her sexually, that she can't help. And parts of me become very primal. And my primal urges force me to want to smell her, and be as close to her as possible. I walked her to the corner of my kitchen and blocked her there. "You smell different."
"Do I?"
"Yes." I approach her face with mine, and she's unintimidated by me. I almost think she wants me to kiss her. But instead, I gradually slide to the left side of her neck with my nose and sniff her until she can't take the fact that my nose tickles her neck, and she laughs incessantly. "You smell like desert?"
"Lemon cake?"
"No. You smell sweet, though." I wonder if she tastes sweet too. I think about how I'm not big on cunnilingus, but, somehow, that memory of her ex eating her pussy stays with me. The faces she made, her lip biting, hair pulling, the way she melted, into the feeling, and I still wonder, "Do you taste sweet too?"
"Oh, my God. Damon."
"Did I say that out loud?"
She laughed, which was a good sign. "You did."
"Sorry. I've asked myself that a hundred times in my head. And I've become content with keeping it to myself."
She broke the tension by making a joke of it, and licking the back of her hand. "I mean, I taste okay."
"Shut up."
"Hey, you asked." Her smile set me off, and I know she knew damn well what I meant. But I appreciate her always keeping things light. It makes being around her constantly pleasant.
...
"This dinner was amazing. And the desert... oh my God. Damon, lemon cake may be my new favorite cake. You, really took your time, and gave me one of the best dinners, I've ever had." She had spent the entire dinner shooting me praises. I was holding onto all of this guilt, and trying to figure out how to tell her about the lunch I had behind her back. But every few minutes, she was making it harder.
I got up and washed dishes. She helped me. She's already had two drinks, and so have I. I've already gone to the cellar and grabbed a second bottle, and it's halfway done. I'll probably be heading down for a third here soon.
"Finally, the kitchen is clean."
"If I didn't already eat two slices, I might be inclined to eat another. But, I digress."
"So, I have that huge exhibit coming up. I told you that I wanted to know, if you'll model for me?"
"I mean, are a lot of people going to see this?"
"Well, I've developed many connections in my line of work, so I'm inviting many business associates, and also investors, there will be art critics, and buyers there. It's going to be, one of those, fancy parties."
"Oh, I get to wear a fancy dress?"
"Yes. And you get to be the object of everyone's attention." Even though she commanded attention, every time we went anywhere together.
"Will I be your date?"
"I was planning on asking you to oblige me as my beautiful date, although I'm not worthy."
"Okay. I'll do it. Will there be any nude portraits?"
"I haven't decided yet. I kind of don't want anyone seeing you naked."
"Damon...? You're adorable."
Am I, because I don't feel adorable. I feel. Little possessive not wanting to share with the world, something I haven't even gotten to fully experience. Although, I'm sure, I could get some really artistic, pictures of her naked body. "Adorable, if you say so?"
She giggled at me, and shook her head. "What do you want to do now?"
"We can go for a walk and talk, if you'd like. Or, stay here and talk."
"Let's just sit a while. I'd like more Prosecco, wouldn't you?" She served me a suggestive glance, and I stared at her sort of confused.
"I thought you were full?"
"I am, but, we rarely have drinks together."
"Okay. Sure. Let me go and get another bottle."
"Okay. In the meantime, can I use your bathroom?"
"Uhh, do you have to ask?" She smirked and I didn't trust that smirk. But, it was buying me time to bring up this lunch with the woman from my past, and to casually explain the kiss, that meant nothing. At least I think it did. When she disappeared, I grabbed a new bottle, came upstairs, and poured another glass of Prosecco for both of us. The more I drink, the more comfortable I feel, and the more relaxed I become. You can do this Damon. Just tell her. The lunch, meant nothing. The kiss, meant nothing. The ex, means nothi... "What was I saying?" I whispered, when she walked out of the bathroom. I couldn't figure out how to tell her. And the fact that she'd also taken her sweater off, and she stood with her strapless dress, showing of the shoulders I love so much.
"Did it get hot suddenly. Or just me?"
"Maybe it's the wine."
"Yeah. I should open your glass door, and let a breeze in. Is that okay?"
"Yes. Of course." She's now taking her hair and putting it in a bun. No I have no choice but to focus on the entirety of her face, which makes me more nervous. This tight white dress, is almost see through, and I realize I'm focusing too long on what she looks like underneath the dress.
I looked up from her body, after eye gawking it for a hard thirty seconds, then back to her eyes. Her sincere face, and sparkling emeralds. A couch pillow is now covering the crotch of my pants, as I held it there with a purpose. "Bonnie, you know, Zozo slept in my bed, right?"
"Damon, I'm sure I asked you not to spoil him too crazy. He has a bed. Which, I brought here."
"Yeah, but... he also, looked at me, like he felt betrayed by you not coming home."
Suddenly after talking about him we looked around noticing he wasn't there. He took off out the back door. "I think he's running about. I'll be back, let me go find him." She got up and took to the beach to look for him. Coincidentally, at that moment, I happened to check my phone. I'd had some missed texts from my ex.
Hey you. How's it goin?
Are you free tonight?
And to top it off a couple missed calls, I wasn't sure how she perceived the other day. But the fact that I didn't contact her again, I thought was a good indicator that I didn't want to go further with her, then that one kiss. But, then, I had to remembered what my therapist said about being honest and how my actions may be perceived. I responded to her with a text.
Hey you. I've been good. Just focused on some work projects. About tonight, I don't think it's a good idea. We had a moment, and I appreciate your apology, and I too am sorry for the part I played.
But, we really shouldn't hang out. I'm sort of seeing someone else, right now. I wish you the best.
She didn't text me back, so I had to assume she understood. After about ten minutes, Bonnie hadn't come back. I got up to go find her, and see if she needed help finding Zozo. She was all the way by the pier. She was just standing there, and she hadn't been chasing after an over-zealous dog. She was standing out there and just watching the end of the sun set. Zozo, was sitting in the sand next to her. I walked out to her and let my feet bury themselves in the sand next to her.
Of course, I had to take my camera. It was one of those sites you had to capture. She remains quiet for a few minutes and then grabbed my camera. I gave her a crazy look. That's just something you don't do. Touch my camera.
"Whoa. Hey."
"Stop. I won't break your baby. Just... let me take some pictures of you."
"Me? Why?"
"You take all these pictures capturing life around you, and when you look back, what do you have to show for it?"
"Memories. Engrained images of some memorable moments."
"And you can't even watch yourself grow and age in the pictures. So, please, let me take a couple of pictures of you." I... begrudgingly hand her the camera. Something I never do."
"Please turn on the flash, it's dark." I turn it on for her. She takes her time and snaps pictures. I wasn't sure how to pose, so I just stand with my hands in my pocket. "Take your shirt off."
"No."
"Why?"
"That's weird."
"No, it's not. It's beautiful. You're beautiful, Damon. You're, absolutely, breathtaking." She didn't giggle, laugh, or even smile. She looked at me more intensely and waited for my shirt disposal. How often do women say that to men? She said it, and she made me feel that she meant it.
"Fine." It's coming off, it's off. It's somewhere in the sand.
After she took some of the front, she told me to turn around, and she got some of me from behind as well. "Tattoo? What's that tattoo of?" She referred to the one on my ribcage.
"It's nothing."
"It is. Why have a never seen it before?"
"I don't know. I try to keep it covered."
"Why? Who's the reason behind that tattoo?"
"Does it have to be a who? No, I'm just..." she stops me and moves my arm. She now sees a small Rose?
"Wow. Never pegged you for the flower type."
"It's not a flower, it's a Rose."
"Okay. So, why?"
"It's a long stupid story."
"I'm all for long, stupid, stories. I've told you plenty. Come on, connect to me, Damon. You don't talk much about your past." She smiled.
"I just don't want to talk about it."
"Okay. Sorry. Whenever you're ready, I'd love to listen to the story of the tattoo, and the woman behind its meaning." I gave her a hard glance, and back out to the horizon, where the sun had officially set. "She handed me my camera and started to undress.
"What are you doing?"
"Going for our night swim."
"Three and a half hours early?"
"Why not? Let's go."
"Ummm, I'll go take Zozo in and my camera."
"You coming back?"
"Maybe." Truth is I wasn't sure if I'd be back. I need to talk to her, and she kept making it hard for me. As usual, when she stripped, I didn't look at her body. We never look at each other's bodies when we go for our night swims. She walks in front of me, as if she wants me to see her. But I avoid looking down. "Bon, I need to talk to you about something."
"What is it?"
"I'd rather wait until your done swimming."
"So, you won't swim with me today?"
"No. I feel like, what I need to tell you will be blurred by that."
I felt her immediately tense up and she walked back towards the water with some bruising to her ego. She went out to the water and swam out far. I went back to my place, and stood in the window, I used to watch her from afar, before I joined her. Zozo was relaxed on my bed, and I grabbed another drink. Only this time it was Bourbon. She swam for what felt like an eternity. It's as if she knew I had something awful to tell her. I waited and waited... and waited. She swam for over an hour. I waited, and had two glasses of bourbon.
Time was killing me right now, and so was Bonnie, because... I'd fallen asleep.
...
At some point she walks back to my place, and I'm not sure how much time had passed, but I woke up and she sat on my bed near me. I lay down, she leaned against the headboard. My eyes flutter open, and she's just wearing my shirt, that I took off and left at the beach. "How long was I out for?"
"I don't know. I was gone for about two hours. I came back and you were already asleep. That was an hour ago."
"So, three hours. Why didn't you wake me?"
"You seemed stressed. The fact that you had something important to tell me and drowned yourself in Bourbon. I thought I'd let you sleep."
"Surprised you didn't leave."
"I started to."
"But?"
"I missed you while I was gone. I told you, that I missed you and Zozo. I didn't want to sleep alone tonight."
"Oh." I'm confused. "You want to stay the night... with me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I told you. I missed you. Did I ever tell you I love the smell of your shirts? I've been sitting here, and sniffing it for the past hour."
"Bonnie, we need to talk." She looks at me and smiles. She's going into one of her modes right now. She tunes out things, when she's not sure how to deal with it. Her hand moves towards my pants, and grabs a hold of my buckle. I'm looking back and forth between she and her hand. Does she realize what she's doing when her hand starts unbuckling it. She slightly becomes rough, and before I realize I should say something my belt is undone, and now, my button is coming undone. I'm supposed to stop her. My mouth opens to speak and she crawls her mouth over mine and gently, inserts her dominance over me. Boy is this woman, good at taking control of me, when she needs to. It's been a while since we've kissed, like this. A long while. A month to be exact. I didn't want to interrupt this feeling. She was intense and soft at the same time. My pants are moving past my hips and luckily, I wore boxer briefs today. It could've been one of those days I went commando.
Her lips never leave mine, while my pants disappear. She is becoming slightly aggressive. I don't mind it, but all it's doing is triggering my aggression. I feel her straddle me, and it didn't take but five seconds before my erection was poking the hottest, wettest, center of her inner thighs. "Hmmm." Her hum came the moment she felt my pressed against her. She pulled up and looked at me, waiting for me to protest. All these months of this woman... all these months of torture, yet some beautiful and special growth. I'm a sex addict. I'm addicted to what she's doing to me, right now. And it's been seven months. She pulled my face back to hers, and I haven't felt this loss of control in a while. Elena had her moments where she needed sex badly. My ex, never needed it, but she made me need it from her, in order to keep her. But this wasn't like that. This was a loss of control, where I couldn't find the force to become aggressive, because she was doing such a good job of making me her bitch in this moment, I just lay there and take it.
This is wrong on so many levels. She's celibate, a year, and me seven months. This is a huge mistake we are going to ruin this beautiful constancy in our lives. This beautiful connection we've made. The healthiest relationship feather of us has ever had.
Alas, I can't allow her to do this. I attempt to speak. And she was pinning my arms above my head, before she whispered. "Take the shirt off of me."
"Bonnie, I can't do that."
She looked at me like I was joking, because she still has no idea, I'm a sex addict too. She has no idea that she's changed the entire anatomy of my sexuality, in terms of desirability. She plants herself firmly on my rock-hard dick, and again, moved in such a way, she was almost in complete ecstasy. Not having sex for a while, makes the slightest sexual gesture, a heightened sexual experience. "Fuck, Bonnie."
Her pussy was grinding into my dick, and I just wanted this moment to take her away from her past, make her forget anything that existed outside of us, and fuck her, like she was my oxygen. I wanted to breathe her and feel every inch of her inside and out. I muscle her around a. It, trying to pin her arms behind her back, because she's making me want to take away all of her fight and make her cry, in pain, and beg for mercy. We got too rough and frenzied, while she was pinning me down, that in my quest to gain a little control, we fell off the bed to the floor, and my body trapped hers beneath me. I reversed this moment on her, and let her know what it was. I pinned her down and made her look me in the eye, while her eyes begged for it. "Look at me." I demanded. I felt myself gaining some of my power back. She was thirsting for me, and this is the position I loved to have women in. At my mercy. She stares at me, silently, begging with her eyes, and lip biting. I whisper into her lips, her cheek, her ears; the shit that was running through my mind.
"I could rip this shirt off of you, right now, and make this painfully, rough. I could push your legs apart, and shove my dick so hard inside of you, that you beg me to stop. I could really, really hurt you something painful." I stop and listen to her breathing heavy, and trying to take all of my oxygen, from me, moaning slightly. It turns me on to hear her, and feel her... she's weak for my body to conjoin with hers, while we take this moment to just stare at each other. "On the other hand, I could even take my time. I could force your body to suffer, while I torture you with my deep, and slow thrust, and stroke you into a fucking pile of mush."
"Do it." She breathed, "make me mush!" She's pulling my pelvis into her hot wet center. And she surprised me, with her ambition.
"I can't I will ruin you." I forgot I need to tell her something.
"I won't let you ruin me, Damon."
"I don't want to ruin you. It's just what happens. I'm bad at this." She put her hand on my dick and started to stroke me outside of my boxer briefs. I didn't think I could possibly get any harder, but I did. My dick, now feels like a weapon, and she's the target.
"I'll help you. I'm good at this." She gave sexy giggle, and she thought I meant I was bad at sex. Pft. This woman has no idea, the things I can do to her. The things, I would do to her. She dug deeper into me, forcing the heat of her pussy to hug my dick.
"I don't want to hurt you Bonnie. I know what will happen. We'll have sex, well love it, it'll be the best sex we've ever had, and we'll want to make each other feel this good all the time. We'll have sex for hours and days. But, I have commitment issues, and I will break your heart." I groaned, and grunted. "But lord knows, I want to make you feel every inch of me, and make you scream my name, over, and over... again, right fucking now." She has nothing on under this shirt. She's the devil. I'm trying to fight her, I am, but I don't want to. I need this.
"Damon, put it, inside of me. Let me show you, how good I'll feel, wrapped around you. How hot and wet I am, and how much my pussy chokes you, and squeezes you lifeless." Fuck. She's better at this than I thought. All I want is to make her understand this can't happen. Not yet, not like this. Not before I come clean. "Oh baby. Your cock is so hard." She whispered into my ear, and it drove me crazy. When she let her tongue do this thing, that she does sometimes, to get me to shut up. Her legs are pried apart now, and I can smell how turned on she is. I miss that smell. God, I love the smell of pussy. I'm weak, I'm so fucking weak.
"Your pussy wants me. I can smell you."
"What do I smell like?"
"My addiction." She didn't catch on to what that meant.
"You feel addicted to me?"
"I'm addicted to your smell. I want to taste you. I really want to taste you. But... Bonnie... we can't ruin-"
"I'm stronger than that. If anything, I'll ruin you, so that you never want to leave me."
"God Bonnie. You're fucking wet. Fuuuuuck!" I scream into her shoulder, trying to contain myself.
"I need you Damon." She looked me dead in my eyes, and I couldn't pull out of this moment. She wanted to relapse, and so did I. "My pussy game is magical." What does that even mean? I don't know, but it made me truly believe she cums in glitter and gold, with cupcake sprinkles. Her nails dig into my ass and I'm pissed that I'm still wearing briefs.
"I'm not a good guy."
"A bad boy with bad cock. That's the combination that fits me. I'm a good girl, with good pussy. I need that big bad cock inside of me."
"Who the fuck are you right now?" She grinned and tugged at my briefs. "I can't fuck you. I will ruin you. You deserve better than me." But the more I said it, the more my old ways were setting in. I needed this. I needed to hear her, beg, and beg, and feed my ego.
"Why do you keep saying that? I'm a big girl." She pulls my briefs down, and my dick is officially touching her pussy. She smiles so sinfully dark and twisted at me. And in her own dark, demented way, she pushed herself upwards, trying to fuck me from underneath me. "Oh yeah, he's fucking ready to be inside of her isn't he?" She was talking in the third person about our genitals, and it was sexy. She talks the way a man like me, or most men in general, love to hear, from a woman they want to fuck more than they want to breath. Her hips push up and I make her work for it.
"You want this dick. Take it!" She liked that challenge. She liked that she had to work a little harder to accommodate me, too. My dick finds its way to her, and she smiled, before maneuvering her leg to my shoulder, and letting her pussy hug me. I can't move, I feel so selfish. God, I'm selfish. I feel her try to accept me, and the head of my dick finally squeezes through the barrier. Her mouth drops open, and her head falls back.
"God. Yes. Fuck yes." She says under her breath. Then slowly, her pussy began swallowing my dick, inch by inch... slowly. She looked back up at me, whimpering in pain, and loving how much she was hurting, and how much her ache was being soothed, by the pain of having sex for the first time in a year. My dick can hardly breath moving into her, she was right. She's choking him, with her pussy, and I lost my breath. I almost passed out.
"Good god woman."
Magical pussy game... sounds about right. My eyes, roll to the back of my head, and she gently cups my face with her soft fingertips, and when I'm all the way inside of her... like a little bitch I almost cried. She saw it too. She saw my eyes get watery. And I bit my lip. "Let it out, Damon, give me all of the pain. I promise I'll make it better." She started working her body from underneath me, then she's fucking me like she's masturbating, because I see her in this world, that she controlled. She's controlling me, and I'm giving her all this emotion, it she can't see it, because I'm holding it back, but I'm giving it to her, because I feel myself, letting it all go, when inside of her.
Her hips roll like the devil dancing in the moon light, and I finally take my position more seriously, and I grab each of her wrist, pin them above her head, and thrust. Hard. Then again, harder! I. Angry, I'm taking out anger, and I'm fucking her angrily at first. But she loves it.
"Aaaahhhhh. Yesssss... Damon. Let me feel it. Let me feel how you feel. Please." Her eyes open and she bites her lip again. She's into this, and she loves it as much as I do, and the minute, her hands hold my back, and I realize she's still wearing my shirt. I rip it off, and I want to be rough. I just want to be rough as fuck. And I start of that way. I fuck her and almost paralyze her, because she did start to cry. She was angry too. I fuck the anger out of her.
"Like that? Huh? You like it rough?" I ask her but she can't answer me because she's crying.
But, somehow, she changed the entire moment, and became really soft as she gave me an intimate stare down, and I could see the mounds of her bouncing breast, before me, and the moon sparkling in her eyes. "You're are so worth my wait, Damon. I think I'm in love with you."
At this point I couldn't keep my hands off her. I groped and grabbed every part of her body. I didn't repeat the phrase to her. I didn't feel right to just say it then. But I felt eternally connected to her, and all I wanted to do was thrust deep, and hard.
Selfishly, I needed to hear her call my name, and praise me. The old me was surfacing. The selfishness, the neediness, the sexual predator, the aggressor, the bastard that needed everything in that moment, form her, and all I could give her is pleasurable screams. No emotion. I don't know why I reverted. But I did, and I know she deserves more than that from me, but she scares me to death, and all I want to do, is keep this moment. I may not have given her my words, but I gave her everything I had physically.
Inside of this moment, I had nothing. Everything that I was, belonged to her. I belonged to Bonnie. Even if I couldn't say it. I felt it, and I know she felt it, because she looked me in the eyes again and made me her bitch. "Oh fuck, you feel so good. I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum so hard. Please cum with me, I want to feel you cum inside of me." If I've said it once, I've said it twice, I don't do that with women, but everything flew out the window in that moment, and everything I had, I gave to her. And as I said, maybe not with words, but with my being. We came at the same time, and she screamed and cried my name, over and over. "Damon, Damon, Damon. Oh my God. Damon." I felt her body shake, and the most power I had, came in the moments I felt her body shake, and held her inside of my arms. And I held her through her orgasm, because hers lasted longer than mine. And before you know it, I felt myself dripping, out of her pussy, before I even pulled out. My cum was inside of her, and I haven't felt that in years.
This woman has changed my life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I almost want to disappear, to avoid hurting her. I don't know, how to not hurt women.
We calmed, gradually. I couldn't move, I collapsed on top of her, while I was still inside of her. When she realized, how much was taken out of me, she kissed me. She peppered my face, my lips, my neck, my chest, my shoulders, my arms with kisses. Gentle, soft, loving kisses. For God's sake, she told me she was falling in love with me, and I didn't say it back. All she did, was accept me, and my imperfections. She gave me something, I'd never had... complete acceptance.
I don't deserve her. I never have.
...
I woke up at seven am. She wasn't there. She was there all night. I know, because I felt her tucked under my arm. I felt her heart beat. I felt her need. I felt her hand holding my chest and her leg wrapped around my waist. I felt her love. The entire night. But now she was gone.
But, in this moment, she's not lying next to me. I sit up, like a bad nightmare. All of those beautiful things I felt, all of those emotions, she gave me... I felt something different. It felt like something was taken from me. "Bon Bon?" I call out and there's no answer, but something's not right. I get up, I'm naked but I didn't give a fuck. So, I just grabbed the sheet, and wrap it round me. I walked, out of my bedroom and into my living room, forward to the kitchen. I hear voices. Bonnie, being one, and the other I couldn't make out.
I just heard Bonnie saying, "You're a liar. He wouldn't do that... he wouldn't keep that from me."
This can't be happening. This... this must be some horrible nightmare. I hit the corner of my kitchen and walk around the other hallway to find Bonnie standing at my door, with one of my shirts on, and nothing else. My ex, standing in the doorway. "What the fuck?"
"Damon?"
"Rose, what are you doing here, and how did you find where I lived?"
"I came to see you. I just needed to see you face to face."
"I told you, we couldn't do this." Bonnie looked between us confused. "Rose, you need to leave."
"You didn't tell her... about lunch. I had no idea, you were with someone, when we met for lunch."
"I told you yesterday."
"You guys spoke yesterday?" Bonnie's voice trembled with doubt.
"Damon, I miss you. I've been going crazy, thinking about how things ended. Can we at least talk?"
"Rose, we spoke already. I don't- don't do this. We were amicable, and friendly. Let's leave it at that."
"Right? So, the lunch, the kiss... it meant nothing?"
"Kiss..." Bonnie head fell back, like she was trying to conceal tears.
I couldn't speak. I was too nervous. I didn't have an answer, I just wanted to disappear. And, from a faint sound, I thought I heard Bonnie make a noise, but I couldn't react, because Rose started acting out, and begging me. I don't even know what she was saying. I grabbed her by her wrists to keep her from hitting me, and apologizing to me, but it was hard to focus with her spewing emotion at me, that I'd never seen her do before, with these false misleading words. For minutes we argued, and I tried to keep her from hitting me. Suddenly, in all of the commotion, it was Bonnie who pulled her off of me. She shoved Rose towards the door, and out of it. "Get out. Just... Go!"
Rose looked shocked.
"Who are you, to tell me? You have no idea about who I am to him. I was his wife!"
"Ex-wife!" I said. And Bonnie never knew I was married.
Bonnie looked at me, like it was true then back at Rose. "You two are obviously toxic together. Can't you see that? Stop being so dismissive. Move on. Or leave, and if he wants to talk to you, he'll call you. But right now, you need to go!" I'd never seen Bonnie like this outside of dealing with Lorenzo. She really was good about not taking people's shit.
I don't know if it was because it came from Bonnie, but somehow the words hit Rose hard, and I saw a tear fall from her eye, and she looked back and forth between Bonnie and me. Then she found the nearest object in my house. A vase. She threw it at me, and spoke her final words to "I will always be your wife."
Bonnie closes the door in her face, and I'm more scared of her, than I've ever been of anything in my life in these moments. Until I see her face, and her tears. Still, I'm stuck, without the right words. My loss of words is getting the best of me, and kicking me in the ass. She waited, and I stood there.
"You're not going to defend that?"
"Bon Bon-"
"Don't Bon Bon me."
"I wanted... I mean, I tried to tell you."
"When?"
"Yesterday."
"All day. We had all day. We had all week. Last Tuesday was it...? The day, you cancelled on me?"
"Bon Bon-"
"Don't! You can't call me that. Just answer me one thing?" I looked at her and my hands started to shake... "Is it true?"
"It's not what it-"
"Don't excuse it, or downplay it. Did you kiss her?"
"We kissed. Yes."
"And, did you stop it?"
"Bonnie, please... let me-"
"Yes, or no?"
"No, I didn't, but-"
"And you were married?"
"Not really it's complicated. We got it annulled, it's like it never happened."
"But it did happen."
"But it isn't that simple. I'm not perfect. I have some things I've been wanting to tell you. And, it's not as easy as you would think."
She looked down at my ribcage. "And now I get it. Rose. The tattoo, is for her."
"It was stupid and painful. Much like my relationship."
"It's funny because, that is the most you've ever told me about anything with any person in your life, from before me. I've told you all about me. My issues, my reasons for being in therapy, Lorenzo, Elijah, my parents, my strengths, my weaknesses... everything. Zozo, even. I've opened up to you and brought you into my world. Yet, and still, I'm a stranger in yours."
"No, Bonnie. It's not true. I just-"
"It's okay, Damon. I told you, I'm not that girl. I can take a hint. Last night, I said I was falling in love with you, and you couldn't say it back. It's fine. There was no pressure for you to. I didn't expect you to say it back. We were being intimate, and for once, I felt emotion inside of you. So, I did what I do best. Ruin things, with my overly emotional, and spiritual greediness. I just had to tell you how I felt at that moment. I'm not mad you didn't say it back. But, the lie, the kiss, the secrecy, the marriage... I just... I wanted to give you the opportunity to be more open, and it's... it's okay. Damon. You're right. You will hurt me. And in the long run, I just can't do this."
I knew what was coming. I felt it, in her entire stance, her energy, everything. I was standing there wanting to scream and beg her to stay, and I think she hoped I would. But I couldn't. My mouth couldn't speak, the words wouldn't come out. "Good bye, Damon. I wish, the very best for you. And I don't regret last night. My actions, my words. Breaking my celibacy for you. I don't regret relapsing for you. Everything, meant something to me." She smiled, forcefully through tears, her lips were shaking as tears fell down her face. She didn't try to hide them. It wasn't in her. She was openly emotional, and I loved that about her. I loved everything about her, but especially that.
"Bonnie, it's just that-"
"Don't, okay. Don't... make an excuse. I can accept many flaws. But I just can't accept the fact that, you're not ready for me. You're on your own path and I want you to make the most of it, and you should enjoy it. No regrets, okay. Live your life for you. No one else. Not me, not Rose, not Elena. For you."
Why was she so forgiving and humbled? It hurt me, that I couldn't just make myself be, who she needed, at this very moment. I had so much to say to her, but I was choking, in my own head. Don't leave me. I thought. Don't walk out. I thought. I'm sorry. I'm a pathetic bastard, and you deserve better. I'll give you better. All thoughts. And none left my lips in the form of words.
Words. Those things that mean so much to her. And I couldn't find the right ones, right now. Because I was so afraid, my words would be wrong, or once again, equal rejection, since it seems she's made up her mind.
She walked away from me, and within minutes grabbed her things, and whistled for Zozo, and they left out of the back door. My mouth wanted to call out to her, but I couldn't find the words.
One more chapter... Thanks for Reading! Thoughts…