"You can trust me – I'm a doctor."
"Um…ok," said the man slowly, looking at the three options he was offered. "I guess the…uh…whoopie cushion?"
"I see," said Dr. Joker, looking at the man through his glasses and writing something down on his notepad. "And what draws your attention to that specifically?"
"Well, the…chattering teeth have dynamite in them…and the seltzer bottle says acid on it, so…the whoopie cushion seems like the safest option," said the man.
"Good thinking, and a logical deduction," said Dr. Joker, nodding. "Let's test your hypothesis – pick it up."
The man did so, and was instantly blown to smithereens as it exploded in his hand. "Note to self: people fall for bombs that aren't obvious," said Dr. Joker, not even looking up from his notes at the explosion. "This is good, essential research in both the theory of comedy and mass murder."
He adjusted his fake glasses and lab coat. "And people will do anything if you tell 'em you're a doctor," he said to no one in particular. "That's also something to make a note of."
There was a knock on his door. "Come in!" he called, cheerfully.
A small man in a top hat opened the door. "Is everything all right up here? I heard what sounded like an explosion…"
"Nothing to worry about - it's just a little experiment of mine," replied Dr. Joker, smiling.
"Well, I'm terribly sorry to be that person, but it is a bit of a racket," the man said. "Would you mind keeping it down? We're conducting some rather important research downstairs and need peace and quiet."
"Sure, no problemo!" said Dr. Joker. "My own research is done for the day anyway. There's only so much deep thinking your brain can take at one time before you gotta take a break and just do something mindless. I don't think we've met, by the way – I'm Dr. Joker," he said, holding out his hand to the man.
"Um…why do you have a joy buzzer on your hand?" asked the man.
"Just one of my many quirks," said Dr. Joker, shrugging. "And you are?"
"My name is Dr. Jervis Tetch – my colleagues Dr. Jonathan Crane and Dr. Edward Nygma and I have just moved into the rooms downstairs," said Dr. Tetch.
"I guess that makes me the madman in the attic, huh?" chuckled Dr. Joker. "Geez, I'm sorry, I didn't know they'd sold the downstairs office space, or I would have brought you a housewarming gift or something. I'll buy you a drink later, how about that?"
"Oh well, that's not necessary," said Dr. Tetch. "Although we will probably be spending a great deal of time here. My colleagues and I are devoted to our work."
"Me too," agreed Dr. Joker. "It's my passion and my life."
"It's good to meet a fellow doctor – this isn't the most savory part of town, and we didn't particularly want to share a space with some ruffian," said Dr. Tetch.
"Well, I definitely ain't that," said Dr. Joker, nodding.
"What is your doctorate in?" asked Dr. Tetch.
"Comedy," replied Dr. Joker.
"Oh. I wasn't aware they gave doctorates for that," said Dr. Tetch, surprised.
"Oh yeah, they give 'em for all sorts these days," said Dr. Joker, waving his hand. "Comedy, reading, studying what gender you are, any kinda obvious and self-evident subject."
"So…what sort of research do you do for comedy?" asked Dr. Tetch.
"Well, I'm currently experimenting with people's responses to various joke props for destructive purposes, and their efficiency," replied Dr. Joker. "Got some explosive findings so far," he chuckled. "What are you and your colleagues working on?"
"Oh, well, it's a…very complicated and…very dull scientific study," said Dr. Tetch, slowly. "I'm sure you wouldn't be interested."
"Probably not, but try me," said Dr. Joker.
"It's just…um…difficult to explain to a layman," said Dr. Tetch.
"Well, I am a doctor," said Dr. Joker.
"Yes, but not a doctor of…um…theoretical physics or engineering or parapsychology or anything that might relate to our field," replied Dr. Tetch. "Anyway, I must be getting back to work, but do stop by for tea sometime. But please call first – we wouldn't want you to drop in unexpectedly when we're trying to work. Interruptions can be…disastrous and some of the equipment we use can be…temperamental."
"Why? Is it dangerous?" asked Dr. Joker, eagerly.
"Yes, extremely," said Dr. Tetch, nodding. "Fabric of the universe altering type stuff. Which is why we must be careful during our research. But if it's successful, it could answer one of the oldest questions which has plagued mankind ever since the dawn of time."
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" asked Dr. Joker.
"Um…no," said Dr. Tetch. "Something a little more…complex than that."
"I'm not sure what can be more complex than the motivations of a chicken," said Dr. Joker. "Who knows what goes on in their tiny, devious little minds?"
"Well…quite," stammered Dr. Tetch. "Anyway, best of luck with your…research."
"You too, Tetchy!" chuckled Dr. Joker, as Dr. Tetch left. "Nice guy," Dr. Joker commented to himself. "I suppose I should leave them alone to do their work. But you know what they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull Nicholson!" he chuckled.
Dr. Joker whistled as he headed into his back room, where he kept all his supplies and equipment, and began making up another whoopie cushion bomb.
"Did you get him to shut up, Jervis?" asked Dr. Crane, looking up from his book as Dr. Tetch re-entered their rooms.
"Yes, I think so," said Dr. Tetch, nodding. "He seems a nice enough man - a little eccentric, but most doctors are, I suppose."
"What's his doctorate in?" asked Dr. Nygma, adjusting some parts on a machine.
"Comedy, apparently," said Dr. Tetch.
"Still more useful than English Lit," muttered Dr. Nygma.
"I didn't know they gave doctorates for comedy," commented Dr. Crane.
"Neither did I, but why would he lie about that?" asked Dr. Tetch. "Why would anyone lie about being a doctor?"
"To claim all the prestige with none of the work," retorted Dr. Nygma.
"What prestige?" asked Dr. Tetch, heading over to his whiteboard and examining his calculations. "We've been ridiculed by literally everyone in the scientific community for our theories, and cast out of every university because of the nature of our research."
"Well, we'll be the ones laughing in the end," said Dr. Nygma. "Once we prove the existence of ghosts…"
"Please, Edward, they prefer to be called spirits," interrupted Dr. Crane.
"Fine, once we prove the existence of spirits, we'll be hailed as the geniuses we are," said Dr. Nygma. "Or at least, the genius I am. Without my technical ingenuity, we'd never be able to build a machine to catch ghosts."
"Well, without my knowledge of parapsychology, we'd never have been able to define what a spirit actually is," retorted Dr. Crane.
"And without my expertise in theoretical physics, we would never have been able to reconcile Jonathan's theories with Edward's practical knowledge," said Dr. Tetch. "In other words, you two don't work without me. This project is a collaborative effort between all of us, and we will share all the credit and all the glory once we've proven our findings to the scientific community."
"Fine," sniffed Dr. Nygma. "I just hope you didn't tell that moron upstairs what we were working on – the last thing we need is him poking his nose into our business and disrupting our work."
"No, I was very tactful," said Dr. Tetch. "I don't think he'll be a problem."
At that moment, a hole exploded in the ceiling, and bits of dust and debris rained down on the three of them. When the dust cleared, they all looked up to see Dr. Joker popping his head through the hole and waving at them. "Hi, guys!" he exclaimed. "How's the science going?"
"Fine, until you dropped the ceiling onto it!" exclaimed Dr. Nygma, as the machine he was working on began beeping. It fizzled, and then popped, as all the lights on it suddenly went out.
"That's going to take…weeks to rebuild," stammered Dr. Nygma, staring at it in horror.
"Great! Which means you got plenty of time, so we can go out for drinks now!" exclaimed Dr. Joker. "I'll be right down – hey, while we're out, we should see if someone can install one of those firemen poles through this hole so I can just slide down to see you guys whenever I feel like! Wouldn't that be fun?"
"Yes…fun," said Dr. Crane, sarcastically.
"Well…I suppose I could use a cup of tea," said Dr. Tetch, slowly. "Shall we, gentlemen?"