"Joker, what are you doing wearing glasses and a labcoat?" asked Oswald Cobblepot, as Dr. Joker pushed open the door of the Iceberg Lounge.
"That's Dr. Joker, which should answer your question," retorted Dr. Joker.
"But you aren't a doctor," retorted Cobblepot.
"Now Pengers, why would I lie about that?" asked Dr. Joker. "I'll have my usual – get my new neighbors whatever they want," he said, taking a seat at the bar.
"Do you have tea?" asked Dr. Tetch.
"Of course we have tea – this is a civilized establishment," retorted Cobblepot.
"Then we'll have three teas, please," said Dr. Tetch.
"You guys aren't really drinkers, huh?" asked Dr. Joker, as Cobblepot placed a glass of scotch in front of him.
"We drink lots of tea," replied Dr. Tetch. "We positively live on it when we're working, don't we, gentlemen?"
Both Dr. Crane and Dr. Nygma just nodded curtly, glaring at Dr. Joker. "Oh, how rude of me not to make introductions," said Dr. Tetch. "Dr. Joker, this is Dr. Jonathan Crane, and Dr. Edward Nygma is the one whose device you smashed."
"No hard feelings about that machine, huh?" chuckled Dr. Joker. "I was just testing out my whoopie cushion bombs, so it was all in the interest of science."
"It certainly sounds like it," muttered Dr. Crane sarcastically, opening the book he had brought with him.
"Whatcha reading?" asked Dr. Joker, leaning over his shoulder.
"It's Tobin's Spirit Guide," snapped Dr. Crane.
"Spirit as in liquor?" asked Dr. Joker. "I thought you weren't much of a drinker."
"Spirit as in apparition," retorted Dr. Crane. "In common parlance, ghost."
Dr. Joker burst out laughing. "Ghost?" he repeated. "You got a guide to something that doesn't even exist? How crazy is that? I mean, some people call me crazy, but at least I ain't reading a guide to leprechauns or unicorns…"
"Spirits do exist," snapped Dr. Crane. "We have scientific proof of it."
"No, we don't, Jonathan," snapped Dr. Nygma, glaring at him. "We don't have that at all. That is absolutely not a thing we have."
"Really? You have proof of ghosts?" asked Dr. Joker. "Because that kinda sounds like something I'd have read about in the paper if it was true."
"Because it's not true," snapped Dr. Nygma.
"And if it were true, that doesn't necessarily mean that the papers would have got ahold of it yet," added Dr. Tetch. "Because even if there were proof, it might not be…totally 100% available yet."
"What do you mean 'yet'?" asked Dr. Joker. "You mean you're actually working on proving the existence of ghosts?"
"Well, good job keeping that a secret, everyone!" snapped Dr. Nygma. "The existence of ghosts has been proven – we just need to trap one to show people it. And that's going to be a bit difficult after what you did to my machine."
"Geez, this is really groundbreaking stuff," said Dr. Joker, impressed. "I kinda thought when you guys said you were scientists, you'd be working on something meaningless and lame and nerdy like, I dunno, ant farms or something. But this ain't meaningless or lame or nerdy at all. This is big."
He took a sip from his glass. "So if you guys are about to prove the existence of the spirit world, why the hell are you doing it here?" he asked. "I mean, this is kinda a dump area, even for Gotham."
"Hey, if you're gonna insult my bar, you can get out!" snapped Cobblepot, as he brought over a pot of tea.
"Of course I meant dump in its most complimentary sense, Pengers," replied Dr. Joker, smiling. "And your joint really adds some high class to the area."
Cobblepot smiled and went to go clean some glasses, not noticing Dr. Joker rolling his eyes.
"Well, money is always a problem," sighed Dr. Tetch, pouring the tea. "We've all sold everything we have to pay for the apartment, and for the equipment for our work. No one believes our research will yield any results, so we can't get grants or funding from any university. And there's no one in the private sector who won't laugh you out of their offices when you tell them you're trying to prove the existence of ghosts."
"Hmm, that is a tricky one," said Dr. Joker, nodding as he took another sip. Then his eyes lit up.
"I got it!" he exclaimed, standing up. "I know a way for you guys to make money, and to get your proof of ghosts at the same time!"
"Really? You think you've come up with a solution when three scientists with genius level intellects couldn't?" scoffed Dr. Nygma.
"Let's hear him out, Edward," said Dr. Tetch.
"Look, I don't believe in ghosts personally, but a lotta weirdos do," said Dr. Joker. "So use that to make money. Take advantage of the gullible by advertising yourself as a ghostbusting service. Say you'll clear their houses of any spirits for a fee. If they're just kooks, you can put on a show and nobody will be the wiser. But if they're not kooks, you can trap your ghost, get the proof you need for the scientific community, and make a few extra bucks along the way!"
They all three stared at him. "That is actually…a fantastic idea," said Dr. Crane slowly.
"But is it really right to take advantage of gullible people, though?" asked Dr. Tetch, concerned.
"Who cares?" snapped Dr. Nygma. "If they're stupid enough to be taken advantage of, they deserve it!"
"You're a man after my own heart, Eddie," said Dr. Joker, nodding. "No sentimentality, just doing whatever it takes to get the job done. That's the attitude I take in my own research, and I've concluded that something's only funny if it's causing pain to someone else. Physical or emotional pain, of course, but I prefer physical. For instance," he said, punching Dr. Nygma in the face suddenly.
"Ain't that hysterical?" Dr. Joker giggled madly.
"What the hell was that?!" demanded Dr. Nygma, cupping his bleeding nose.
"Comedy," said Dr. Joker, shrugging. "You either get it or you don't. And judging by nobody laughing, I'm guessing neither of you three have much of a sense of humor. You should go back to school and get a comedy degree like I did."
"Look, Dr. Joker, is it?" asked Dr. Crane, putting down his book.
"You can call me Dr. J if you want," said Dr. Joker.
"Dr. Joker, thank you very much for your very helpful idea," said Dr. Crane. "And for the drinks. But we really do have quite a lot of work to do, especially now that we have to start up a business, so we must be going. I suppose we'll be seeing you around…"
"Now hold on there, Dr. Cranium," said Dr. Joker, tripping him as he stood up and sending Dr. Crane crashing to the floor. "Really, nothing?" he asked, looking around at the lack of laughter, and then shrugging. "The fact is, your little business scheme is all my idea, and as such, I wanna be involved in it."
"But you said you didn't believe in ghosts," pointed out Dr. Tetch. "Why would you want to hang out around us, and other supposedly crazy people who do?"
"I don't, obviously," retorted Dr. Joker. "But I think my idea is gonna be a real money-maker – there are so many gullible idiots out there, many of them rich. So I want my cut of the cash, and who knows? Maybe we'll meet some people I can do my own research on. Nobody's gonna miss a bunch of superstitious nutjobs, am I right?"
"So what you're saying is…you want to insert yourself into our research by taking a cut of our profits and randomly hurting our customers?" asked Dr. Tetch, slowly.
"That's a fair summation," said Dr. Joker, nodding. "And if you don't agree, I can continue my experiments in slapstick comedy on you three. So it's really worth saving yourselves some pain to just say yes to my little proposition. Plus, y'know, it'll be fun! All four of us doctors working together, three nerdy ghost-hunting scientists and one comic genius…it could be a sitcom, or a comedy horror movie!"
"Or a disaster," muttered Dr. Crane, dusting himself off.
"I don't see what choice we have though, do you?" asked Dr. Tetch.
"Well, I am not cutting the clown in on our credit and glory when we prove our findings to the scientific community," muttered Dr. Nygma. "That's for damn sure."
"Credit and glory I ain't interested in, pal," retorted Dr. Joker. "But cash and laughter? That's something else." He raised his glass in a toast. "And trust me, there's gonna be plenty of both with the Ghostbusters around."