"Puddin', why have you made Johnny have a crush on me in this?" asked Harley in confusion, breaking in on the story. "He doesn't have a crush on me in real life."
The others in the room all looked at Crane, who couldn't have looked more uncomfortable. Nygma coughed loudly and pointedly. "I think it's called…artistic license," Crane stammered at last.
"Yeah, romantic rivalry always adds a little pizazz to a narrative," said Joker, nodding. "Love triangles always keep you guessing over who's gonna end up together, and who's gonna end up alone."
"Well, obviously I'm gonna end up with you, puddin'," replied Harley.
"You never know – in the sequel Sigourney Weaver's character had married and had a kid with someone else besides Bill Murray's," retorted Joker. "It isn't always happily ever after in Hollywood."
"But…but we gotta end up together, puddin'," stammered Harley, tears gathering in her eyes. "We just gotta!"
"Well, you'll have to wait and see how it all pans out in this…" began Joker.
"No!" shrieked Harley, standing up. "You're being all cute and flirty with me in this, and I am not gonna be some heartless bitch who doesn't return your affections! You can't make me into that! I'm your Harley Quinn, and your Harley Quinn always ends up with you! So tell it right!"
"Technically you're Dr. Quinzel in this," said Crane. "And I'd also like to point out that technically we're the only two in this room with doctorates in real life."
"Please, Jonathan, truly intelligent people don't need pieces of paper validating their intelligence," sniffed Nygma. "Especially since any idiot can get one."
"So why don't you?" asked Harley.
"I wouldn't demean myself by having to prove my intelligence to some lesser intellect," retorted Nygma.
"It does mean I'm objectively smarter than you, however," pointed out Harley. "Which must really bother a guy like you, Eddie. Anyway, Dr. Quinzel and Harley Quinn are one and the same, and they're both madly in love with Mr. J. So this story better not ruin that."
"Look, if you wanna take over the story, you be my guest!" snapped Joker. "But there's a method to my madness, and there's a reason why you might not be as enthusiastic and into me as usual! Just be patient and listen!"
Harley folded her arms across her chest. "Fine," she muttered. "But if I do anything too outta character, I'm definitely gonna speak up."
"Seems like everyone is," muttered Joker. "Honestly, there's no need to take this story so personally – it's a work of fiction, after all, and any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental."
"No, it's not, we're characters in the story!" snapped Nygma.
"Yeah, and I seem to have nailed yours pretty well, huh?" demanded Joker. "It's not difficult – I just have to think of what it would be like to be a know-it-all jerk with a huge ego and no reason to have one! You got any complaints to make, Hatty?" he demanded, rounding on Tetch.
"No, none at all," replied Tetch. "I think you're doing a splendid job with my character. And I'm eager to hear what the refrigerator meant."
"Well, you'll find out soon enough," said Joker, nodding. "Now back to the story."
"Nice place you got here," commented Dr. Joker, as they entered Dr. Quinzel's apartment. "Aside from the talking refrigerator, of course."
"And the incredible amount of psychic energy," commented Dr. Tetch, as the machine in his hand whirled and beeped erratically.
"What does that mean?" asked Dr. Quinzel, concerned.
"It means there's a definite presence here," said Dr. Nygma, scanning the walls with a similar machine. "I'm honestly surprised that the first incident you had was yesterday – with readings like these, this thing has been rooted for some time."
"Well, I only just moved in a few weeks ago," said Dr. Quinzel. "And maybe odd things might have happened before, but…I guess I thought I was just tired and dismissed them. I haven't slept very well in a long time."
"That can happen when you're in a strange place all alone," commented Dr. Joker. "One of the many difficult aspects of being on your own – I'm sure you'd sleep much better with somebody next to you…"
"Has the trouble sleeping only started since moving in?" interrupted Dr. Tetch. "That's a very common experience in hauntings."
"I'm not sure it is a haunting," said Dr. Nygma, his eyes narrowing. "These readings are off the chart. I've never seen anything like it."
"To be fair, you've never seen an actual haunting either, so it could be that," retorted Dr. Joker.
"Theoretically, yes," snapped Dr. Nygma. "But the scale and magnitude of this is unbelievable. Whatever it is, it's incredibly strong and powerful."
"Well, yeah, if it made a refrigerator talk," agreed Dr. Joker, nodding.
"It could probably do more than that if it wanted to," said Dr. Tetch.
"Like…what?" asked Dr. Quinzel, concerned.
Dr. Tetch and Dr. Nygma shared a look. "Nothing to worry about yet – let's just go see that refrigerator," said Dr. Tetch, heading into the kitchen.
"It's normal now," said Dr. Nygma, opening it. "No portal in there."
"But the readings are consistent with the rest of the apartment," said Dr. Tetch. "And much higher around these vegetables," he said, kneeling down to the floor where Dr. Quinzel had dropped them. "Whatever this entity is, it left its imprint on these."
"So…can you get something from those to figure out what this is, and how to stop it?" asked Dr. Quinzel.
"Possibly," said Dr. Tetch, pulling out his handkerchief and picking one up. He instantly dropped it and jumped back as the vegetable began to squirm in his hand.
"Holy crap!" exclaimed Dr. Joker, staring at it in disbelief.
"You guys are seeing this too, right?" asked Dr. Quinzel.
"Yes, my dear," said Dr. Tetch, bending down again. "Edward, we'll need the box."
Dr. Nygma removed a metal box from his backpack and gingerly scooped the vegetable up in it. He quickly sealed it. "That should trap the entity's energy for further study," said Dr. Nygma. "Which I think is about all we can do at the moment."
"My dear, if I could make a suggestion, it would be best if you didn't stay here for the time being," said Dr. Tetch, turning to Dr. Quinzel. "This presence is attached to this location, and you remaining here is just inviting further damage to yourself. These kind of entities feed on living energy which helps them grow stronger. Right now you're only tired, but it could get much worse if you remain."
"Much worse…how?" asked Dr. Quinzel.
"Attempted possession," retorted Dr. Nygma.
"Possession?" repeated Dr. Quinzel, horrified. "You mean…it's gonna try to...take over my body?"
"It's entirely possible," said Dr. Tetch, nodding. "As we've said, it's a very strong and powerful entity. You should remain at the hotel for the time being, and if you have any friends, may I suggest that you get one of them to stay with you, to watch over you at night. I'm not sure, but your trouble sleeping may be because certain attempts at possession have already been made. It would be safer for you to keep someone with you at night to monitor your condition."
"I'll do it," spoke up Dr. Joker.
"Perhaps a female friend would be more appropriate," retorted Dr. Tetch, glaring at him.
"Well, I don't really have a lotta friends, male or female," said Dr. Quinzel, slowly. "At least not in Gotham…I have a couple school friends from Brooklyn, but it'll take them another day to get here at least, and that's if they can just drop everything, and if they believe me, of course."
"I suppose we could guard you in pairs, if that would make you more comfortable," said Dr. Tetch. "Or you could stay with us in our building, and we could take turns monitoring you and making sure you're not disturbed…by anything living or dead," he added, looking at Dr. Joker.
"I…guess that would be ok," said Dr. Quinzel, slowly. "I'll go…pack some stuff."
"I'll call Jonathan," said Dr. Tetch, picking up the telephone in the living room. "Hello, Jonathan? Any luck with the phrase? Too bad. We've got a huge amount of energy here, and one of the vegetables moved when I picked it up. Yes, we're bringing it back, along with Dr. Quinzel – she's going to be staying with us for the time being to guard against an attempted possession…yes, Joker already volunteered, but I think pairs would be better, don't you? Not that I don't trust him or anything."
"He's just trying to cramp my style," muttered Dr. Joker.
"Where is your conscience?" demanded Dr. Nygma. "This vulnerable young woman has come to us for help, and you just seem focused on how you can take advantage of that vulnerability to get into her pants!"
"Well, as a man who's clearly never gotten into anyone's pants, you wouldn't understand, Eddie," retorted Dr. Joker. "And I ain't trying to just get into her pants – I'm trying to get to know her better, and for her to get to know me better and see how irresistible I am. Which is really hard to do with the peanut gallery hanging around us all the time."
"Meanwhile the rest of us are concerned about saving her from a strong, powerful, and very likely angry entity which probably wants to possess her," retorted Dr. Nygma.
"Yeah, so you can focus on that, and I'll focus on Dr. Quinzel," said Dr. Joker. "Everybody wins!"
Dr. Nygma sighed. "After a few days with him, I think she'll be praying for the entity to take her away," he muttered under his breath.