"Batman's never going to appear in this story, is he?" asked Tetch in real life, interrupting the narrative suddenly. "The Batbusters title is just some colossal red herring, is that the joke?"
"Jesus, have you got a crush on Batman or something?" demanded Joker. "Just be patient, would ya?!"
"I did sort of think he'd be the ghost," agreed Crane, nodding. "Or god or whatever it is."
"Who would ever worship Batman?" demanded Joker.
"Well, who would ever worship Red?" asked Harley.
"Objectively it's more likely that people would mistake a woman with the ability to manipulate plants for a god than they would a man wearing a bat costume," retorted Nygma. "Otherwise there'd be new cults popping up every Halloween."
"Plus who's ever heard of a god who doesn't kill anyone?" asked Joker. "They're always smiting people and creating disasters which result in mass genocide, and that's definitely more Pammie's thing than Batsy's. But to answer your question, yes, Batman will be appearing in this story eventually. You're probably not that excited to see him in real life, so I dunno why you're so excited about seeing him in this."
"I object to false advertising," replied Tetch. "One should always say what one means, and to call a story 'Batbusters' without there being any bats to bust is the definition of false advertising."
"Actually, I think that would be The Neverending Story," retorted Joker. "Speaking of which, this story is never gonna end if you people keep interrupting, so can you cut it out before I have to cut out your tongues? It's really a fitting punishment for rudeness, and I think completely justifiable at this point. This is your only warning."
Everyone muttered their agreement, and Joker resumed the narrative.
The next morning, Dr. Quinzel came downstairs to breakfast with dark circles under her eyes. "Morning, everyone," she murmured, rubbing her eyes. "Dr. Nygma, what happened to you?" she asked, noticing the ink stains all over him.
"I don't want to talk about it," snapped Dr. Nygma.
"I hope I didn't do that," said Dr. Quinzel. "But I'm so tired, I feel like I didn't sleep a wink last night, so something must have happened."
"Yes, something did," agreed Dr. Tetch. "But on the plus side, we figured out what's possessing you."
"Oh, that's…great," stammered Dr. Quinzel. "What is it?"
"It's an ancient goddess," replied Dr. Crane. "Called Toxicodendron Radicans. Or Poison Ivy in English."
"I'm being possessed by a plant?" asked Dr. Quinzel, confused.
"A plant goddess," corrected Dr. Tetch. "When you were under her power, you were able to grow these monstrous plants and control them. You nearly killed Dr. Joker."
"I did?" asked Dr. Quinzel, turning to him in concern. "I'm so sorry…did I do that?" she asked, pointing to his bandaged arm.
"It's just a scratch, Doc, don't worry," said Dr. Joker. "Anyway, you probably think I deserve worse after I tried to get fresh with you last night."
She stared at him, surprised. "No, I…I thought you got cold feet. I remember getting close to you and then…you left. I mean, we'd only just met – I guess you thought it wouldn't be appropriate…"
"What are you talking about?" he interrupted. "You threw me out."
"I…I did?" she stammered, confused. "But…that doesn't sound like something I would do. I mean, not to someone I liked."
"So you're saying…you do like me?" asked Dr. Joker slowly, smiling at her.
"Look, we're getting off topic!" snapped Dr. Crane. "Now that we know what this thing is, we need to look into getting it out of Dr. Quinzel somehow."
"How are you gonna do that?" asked Dr. Quinzel, nervously.
"Edward is working on developing a way, aren't you, Edward?" asked Dr. Tetch.
"Yes, theoretically it should work, but it's going to take a little time," replied Dr. Nygma. "Which could be problematic depending on the increasing frequency of your possessions."
"What does that mean?" asked Dr. Quinzel.
"Well, since yesterday, you've been possessed once when you threw out Dr. Joker, once when you were sleepwalking, and once when you tried to kill him with plants," retorted Dr. Nygma. "That's three times in the space of a few hours. I surmise that the frequency is only going to increase, until eventually the possession will be permanent."
"I'm not gonna let that happen," snapped Dr. Joker.
"And just how are you going to stop it?" demanded Dr. Nygma. "Shaking her or striking her to wake her up won't work, and that's probably all your brutish brain can come up with. To combat a supernatural force, we're going to need supernatural powers, or in this case, scientific powers, which has always been more than a match for the supernatural."
"Dr. Nygma intends to take the negative energy this spirit exudes, and counteract it with positive energy, thereby destroying it," explained Dr. Tetch. "We're going to take a sample from the vegetable, and from your bloodstream if you don't mind, my dear, in order to isolate this energy, and then work on neutralizing it. Once we have done this, it should only be a simple matter of giving you a shot."
"That's it?" asked Dr. Joker. "I ain't seen any horror movies where the person is saved from possession by a shot. It's usually priests and exorcisms and things."
"Superstitious rubbish," sniffed Dr. Nygma. "This will be far more efficient, trust me."
"I hate shots," muttered Dr. Quinzel. "But if it saves me from possession, I guess it's worth it. Though frankly, I think I'd rather have the exorcism."
The telephone rang at that moment. "I'll get it," said Dr. Crane, heading into the living room.
"If you've finished your breakfast, my dear, we really shouldn't waste anymore time," said Dr. Tetch, standing up. "I know you hate shots, but let's get that blood sample."
Dr. Quinzel nodded, standing up slowly. "I'll come with you," said Dr. Joker, joining them. "Best thing to do during shots is to be distracted, and I'm very distracting, so I'm told."
"None of us mean that in a complimentary way," snapped Dr. Nygma.
"I appreciate it," said Dr. Quinzel, smiling at Dr. Joker.
"You like jokes?" asked Dr. Joker, sitting down across from her as Dr. Tetch reached for a syringe. "Here's one – there's this ancient plant goddess who somehow thinks that she's gonna permanently take over this beautiful, strong, and smart doctor. It's obviously a joke that she thinks she's gonna succeed."
"I don't see why," interrupted Dr. Nygma, as Dr. Quinzel smiled at Dr. Joker again. "Being beautiful doesn't do anything against ancient deities, and neither does being strong or smart."
"C'mon, she was strong enough to last this long – that's gotta count for something," retorted Dr. Joker. "She's a fighter, ain't ya, toots?" he asked, smiling at her. "Old Planty ain't gonna get you without a fight."
"Well, of course I'll do my best," she replied. "But I think that's mostly why it attacks when I'm asleep – so that my will isn't as strong, and I can't fight back."
"That's why we're here," said Dr. Tetch, inserting the syringe and drawing out the blood sample. "To fight the battles you can't."
"Yeah, your fate depends on three nerds, and me," said Dr. Joker, rolling his eyes. "You must feel so reassured, Doc."
"I do, actually," she said, smiling at him. "I have faith in all of you."
"Probably misplaced, in Eddie's case," added Dr. Joker.
"Shut up!" snapped Dr. Nygma.
Dr. Crane entered the room slowly, his face pale. "Something the matter, Jonathan?" asked Dr. Tetch.
"You could say that," he replied, nodding. "That was the mayor's office. He says the police have been inundated with calls for the past several hours about giant, man-eating plants popping up all over the city."
"What?" demanded Dr. Tetch. "Well, this is one of those times you wish you had a TV!"
"Or the internet," agreed Dr. Joker.
"The mayor said they called all manner of gardeners and exterminators, tried to trim them back and dropped poison on them, but nothing's worked. He said it seemed almost supernatural, and knowing that's our specialty, he contacted us. I think we all know who's behind this."
"Poison Ivy," said Dr. Joker, nodding.
"Yes, her invasion is beginning," said Dr. Crane. "And it will end with Dr. Quinzel being lost to us, and replaced with her."
"Over my dead body," snapped Dr. Joker.
"That's very likely," agreed Dr. Crane, nodding. "Unless we can get this antidote working soon."
"I'll get right on it," said Dr. Nygma, hurrying off.
"I stand corrected," said Dr. Joker. "The fate of the world depends on three nerds and me."
"Yes," agreed Dr. Crane with a sigh. "We're doomed."