"Well…there's something you don't see every day," said Dr. Joker at last.
They were staring at what appeared to be a giant man in a bat costume storming through the streets of Gotham, terrorizing its citizens. It stomped on buildings, seemingly heedless of the destruction it caused, as its blank, bright eyes behind the bat mask fixed on the top of the building where they stood.
"You know, technically that isn't a little bat," commented Dr. Nygma. "So it's not exactly what you chose, Jervis."
"You think if we call her on a technicality she'll rethink this whole destroying the world thing?" demanded Dr. Joker. "She's a plant goddess bent on genocide, not a lawyer! Though I admit they're probably the same level of evil…"
"What are we going to do?" interrupted Dr. Tetch. "We have to stop this somehow – we're the only ones who can. And I do feel partially responsible."
"Partially?" repeated Dr. Joker. "You're completely responsible!"
"For the form, yes," retorted Dr. Tetch. "But she was going to attempt to destroy the world anyway – if I hadn't picked a form, she would probably just have made up one of her own. You can't blame me for this destruction."
"No, but I can blame you for the giant Batman terrorizing our city!" snapped Dr. Joker. "I don't want Gotham to be famous for being the destructive playground of some bat weirdo! And yes, I am breaking the fourth wall – I do that! Now let's try shooting it!" he shouted, pulling the trigger on his proton pack and sending a beam of energy straight at the Batman.
It fell back slightly, and then looked up at him, its eyes burning in fury. It trudged slowly toward the building, its cape billowing out around it.
"Great job – you got its attention!" snapped Dr. Nygma. "If you had just let it rampage a while, maybe the three of us could have thought of a clever way to defeat it, but no, you just start shooting like some brainless brute totally dependent on violence to solve problems!"
"I got news for you, Eddie – violence is the only way we're gonna defeat this thing!" shouted Dr. Joker. "Anyway, he started it by smashing the city!"
"Well, looks to me that your weapon has proved ineffective, and we're doomed!" shouted Dr. Nygma.
"It's actually your weapon, and don't blame me if you didn't account for a giant supernatural force when we're battling a goddess – you're supposed to be a genius!" shouted Dr. Joker.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" exclaimed Dr. Crane. "Perhaps the answer is in the combination of brain and brawn!"
"What do you mean?" asked Dr. Tetch.
"I mean shoot it, but shoot it in a critical area that might actually do some good," retorted Dr. Crane. "Like the place all this came from," he added, nodding up at the portal above them.
"It'll take more firepower than we have to close that portal," snapped Dr. Nygma.
"Not if we combine our energy," said Dr. Crane. "And cross the streams."
"Are you insane?" demanded Dr. Nygma. "That will end all life in this universe as we know it!"
"Plant Lady's probably gonna do that for us," replied Dr. Joker. "All human life anyway, and if we're going down, we're taking the universe with us, or my name ain't the Joker!"
"Dr. Joker," corrected Dr. Tetch.
"I know my own name!" snapped Dr. Joker.
"So you've been lying about being a doctor all this time?" demanded Dr. Crane.
"Look, now is not the time for this conversation!" snapped Dr. Joker. "Now is the time to kill this giant Batman by any means necessary! If that means ending the universe, so be it. They'll only reboot it again in a couple years. And yes, I'm breaking the fourth wall again."
"We can't think of any better plan than this?" asked Dr. Tetch, slowly.
"No time!" snapped Dr. Joker, as the building shook again as the giant Batman grabbed ahold of it and began to climb up toward them, taking whole floors in his stride. "We have to kill it now!"
Dr. Tetch sighed reluctantly, gripping his gun and aiming it. "Well…see you on the other side, gentlemen."
"Ladies first," said Dr. Joker.
Dr. Tetch sighed, and then fired his gun up into the swirling vortex above them. He was soon joined by Dr. Crane, Dr. Nygma, and Dr. Joker. Their beams crossed to make one giant beam, and the portal began to spark.
"No!" shrieked Ivy, and then she gasped in pain as sparks began to fly off her body. "No!" she screamed, racing toward them. "You cannot destroy me!"
She leaped on Dr. Joker, seizing him around the back of his neck. "Sorry…to do this to your body…toots!" Dr. Joker gasped, and then suddenly slammed his head back into her face. She let go, and Dr. Joker whirled around, hitting her across the face with his gun. She fell to the ground unconscious, and Dr. Joker turned back to the portal, crossing the streams and firing again. The building shook wildly as the Batman clung on, thrashing in pain, as he too began to disintegrate. The portal began to shrink, sucking all the dark clouds surrounding it into it, until it collapsed completely on itself, and then with a huge bang and a force that sent all four of them flying across the roof, it disappeared.
"Everyone ok?" gasped Dr. Joker, coughing as he climbed slowly to his feet.
"Yes, I'm fine," said Dr. Nygma, standing up on the opposite side of the roof.
"Too bad," muttered Dr. Joker. "Craney? Tetchy? You ok?"
"Yes, I think so," said Dr. Tetch.
"It's a miracle," said Dr. Crane, patting himself down. "We're all ok, and the universe is still here."
"Well, maybe not," said Dr. Joker, shrugging. "You never know what's real and what's not, do you?"
"Maybe you don't," retorted Dr. Nygma. "I know that thanks to my technology, we just saved the world. That makes me a hero."
"Well, we all helped," pointed out Dr. Tetch.
"I'm not sharing the hero credit with some hangers on," retorted Dr. Nygma. "This is my invention, and I'm going to be the one a grateful world bows down to."
"Uh huh, that'll be the day," said Dr. Joker, rolling his eyes. "No way the world is ever gonna venerate a nerd. It's far more likely that in the sequel, everyone will forget about what we did and we'll be reduced to being hired entertainment at children's parties. And believe me, I've done the birthday party clown gig, and I'm not looking forward to doing it again."
"What sequel? What are you talking about?" asked Dr. Crane.
"He's obviously just shell-shocked from the experience," sniffed Dr. Nygma.
"I, for one, hope there's no sequel to this whole dreadful affair," replied Dr. Tetch. "Another monster bent on destroying Gotham City would be unbearable."
"Actually, it happens more often than you think," said Dr. Joker.
"Speaking of which, is Ivy gone?" asked Dr. Crane.
"Well, if the host body dies, then she dies too," said Dr. Nygma, nodding at Dr. Quinzel's body, which lay still on the ground. "And Dr. Quinzel looks pretty dead to me. So mission accomplished."
Dr. Crane knelt down, lifting Dr. Quinzel's wrist and feeling for a pulse. "I'm afraid…he's right," he stammered. "I'm afraid…exorcising Ivy must have killed her."
"No, I don't buy that," retorted Dr. Joker, picking her up gently. "She's stronger than that Plant Bitch. She wouldn't have given up the ghost without a fight."
"I think it was giving up the ghost that made her give up the ghost," retorted Dr. Nygma.
"You should stop trying to be funny, because you're not," snapped Dr. Joker.
"Yes, and now is not the time for jokes," retorted Dr. Crane, glaring at him.
"Oh, it's always time for jokes," replied Dr. Joker. "It's just puns I hate. The lowest form of humor, swear to God, that and prop comedy."
He gazed down at Dr. Quinzel's body cradled in his arms. "But somehow jokes do seem less funny right now," he murmured. "Normally I love laughing at the pain and death of others, but…not now. She was special, y'see. She was more than a punchline like the rest of humanity. Why couldn't the Plant Bitch have picked on one of them? Why did she have to take…"
He trailed off, and then bent down and kissed Dr. Quinzel softly on the lips. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you, sweets," he whispered.
Suddenly, Dr. Quinzel stirred in his arms. "Mmm, what happened?" she asked, waking slowly and gazing up at him with her wide, blue eyes.
He stared back at her. "Sweets…you're all right," he said, touching her cheek gently.
"Yeah," she agreed. "I feel…like I just woke up from a long nap. What happened? Did you defeat Ivy?"
"Well, we defeated her minions," said Dr. Joker, smiling at her. "But I kinda suspect you defeated her, toots."
Dr. Quinzel beamed at him, and leaned forward to kiss him again. "Ow, my head!" she exclaimed suddenly. "And my nose! I feel like I've been punched across the face!"
"Yeah, you attacked me when you were controlled by the Plant," replied Dr. Joker. "She clearly really didn't like me, for some reason."
"Imagine that," said Dr. Nygma, sarcastically.
"Well…she's gone," said Dr. Quinzel, gazing at Dr. Joker. "And I like you. I like you a lot."
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah," she said, beaming at him. Their mouths drew together again in a passionate kiss as the sun rose over Gotham City, plant-ravaged but Bat-free, thanks to the Batbusters.