AN: There is a trigger warning for a panic attack here. I think some people may disagree with how I characterize Kuvira in this chapter, but I'm trying to judge how ten years in prison would have changed her.

Bataar's office only took her the one day to finish. He was impressed. She was not. It should have gone faster, but she had to take more breaks than she would have liked. The level of bending had not tired her. It was minimal. But the mental concentration had really strained her.

Of course, when she had returned after lunch, she had been emotionally distressed.

Lunch had been hard.

It had not been bad, per se. Nothing had happened to cause any sort of blowout, but Kuvira had felt supremely uncomfortable the entire time as she watched Suyin and Bataar and Huan converse easily and naturally with Kaori. As she watched Kaori be welcomed and included at the family table. It brought back too many memories, too much resentment and pain, as she had assumed it would. She had done her best to be civil towards Kaori. She knew children picked up on mood shifts rather quickly, and she never wanted the girl to feel like she had done something wrong. None of this was her fault.

Regardless, Kuvira had been glad to get away and finish up the office. She had forgotten, however, that she would be training with Kaori and Su the next day. Which had gone only somewhat better than lunch. At least while she was bending, Kuvira had something besides her painful awkwardness to focus on. Kaori was sweet, and she was so eager to be friends with Kuvira. It was exhausting to stay cheerful with her.

So Kuvira had gone in search of more projects around the compound to complete. Turned out that there was plenty to do around Zaofu. Plenty of things with which to occupy herself. To keep her mind off of Suyin. For a week, she trained with Suyin and Kaori in the mornings, keeping quiet usually as the girl chattered. Then she would spend some time seeking out different projects to put her effort into. A usually awkward lunch, followed by more work or a trip to the library. She had accompanied Suyin to one meeting, and had found it no longer to her liking. Politics were not something she wanted to regain an interest in. Dinner was usually better than lunch. Kaori was often tired from her day and did not expect as much interaction from Kuvira. All in all, she thought things were going rather well.

Until the day before Huan's fiancé and his parents were supposed to arrive.

She was in an unused wing of the complex, preparing it to be converted into guest rooms, when Suyin found her. Kuvira knew immediately from the expression on the older woman's face that the news would not be good, and she wondered if she would ever be given more than a few days of peace before something else threatened her emotional state.

"Su?"

"I'm sorry."

Kuvira stiffened. Those were never good words when starting a conversation, and they were especially when coming from Suyin Beifong who never apologized for anything if she could help it. "What's happened?"

"I didn't know he…Jr. is here. Bataar Jr. is here."

The words did not immediately register for Kuvira, and she blinked stupidly as she stared at Suyin. "What?"

"Jr. came in on the train this morning from Republic City. He's here to meet Yunru's parents." Suyin took a step towards her, carefully assessing Kuvira's reactions. "I promise you, I didn't know he was coming."

"He's here?"

"Yes. He told me a few weeks ago that he wasn't going to make it, but he changed his mind." She looked as if she desperately wanted to reach for Kuvira, but knew that would be disastrous.

"Does he know I'm here?"

"Yes."

Kuvira shook her head, trying to process. She feared she was about to have a panic attack. Those happened now and then since her defeat. "I…He's here right now?"

"Yes."

Counting to ten and focusing on her breathing, she said, "What…what do you want me to do?"

Suyin frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…I don't want to…I don't want things to be…" Kuvira trailed off, lifting her hands helplessly. Her heart beat furiously, and she was sure she would start shaking soon. "I don't know what to do."

"I don't want to ask you to hide," Suyin said. "I won't ask you to stay confined to your wing of the building. He's my son, and I love him, and I'm not going to ask him to leave either. I hardly ever get to see him, and he's brought…he's brought his wife and daughter. I want to spend time with them."

Cheeks burning for a reason she could not identify, a reason that had nothing to do with her growing anxiety, Kuvira ground out, "Of course. I would n-never have expected you to-to tell him to leave. This is h-his home, more…more than it is m-mine." Her voice caught, and she knew she was about to lose control.

"No. Not more. Equally. He is welcome here, as are you." Suyin placed her hands on her hips, accentuating her still trim waist under her loose clothes. "I just want to avoid any unnecessary drama with Yunru's parents coming." Suyin's eyes travelled over her face, realizing that Kuvira was struggling. "Kuvira. Look at me. Look here." She carefully took Kuvira's face in her hands, forcing her to keep eyes contact. "Take a deep breath with me." Together, they inhaled. Suyin counted to seven, and then instructed Kuvira to exhale. "Again." She guided Kuvira through the exercise several more times, until Kuvira could do it on her own. "It's all right. Everything is going to be all right."

Kuvira still trembled, though, and shook her head, unable to speak. It was not nearly the worst attack she'd had, but it was not over yet.

"What can I do?" Suyin asked.

"Talk," Kuvira managed.

"Does it matter what I talk about?" When Kuvira shook her head, arms wrapped around herself, Suyin nodded. "All right. Okay." The older woman's hands still cupped her face. "Did I ever tell you about how I used to run with the sandbenders? I guess I was in my early twenties. I had been with the circus before that. I was getting out the last of my wild oats before settling down. I mean, I already had Jr., but…well, I had a hard time settling down. Anyway, I joined up with them while we were visiting the …." Kuvira listened as Suyin told her about her past, about things that Kuvira knew she wouldn't remember later, things that were trivial and meaningless. The constant flow of words was what was important, not their content. As she calmed, Kuvira watched Suyin's face as she spoke. Watched her expressive brows, thin and fine, arched perfectly. Watched her mouth, delicately carved but able to set in the most stubborn ways. Her straight, perfect nose, her high cheekbones, her strong jaw. The lines that framed her mouth and eyes.

She was beautiful, Kuvira knew that. Had always known that. She had always appreciated it in an aesthetic way. It would be impossible not to notice Suyin Beifong's looks. It seemed to be a family trait. All the members of the Beifong clan were attractive, but it had never really mattered to Kuvira. Attraction for her had always been dependent on an emotional connection. Which was why she had taken so long to form an attraction to Bataar Jr.

The attraction she felt for Suyin was just a glimmer, a burning ember deep in the pit of her stomach. It had been quelled by her near panic attack, but as her head cleared and her body returned to normal, with Suyin's face so close to her own…Kuvira swallowed, suddenly uncomfortable with their proximity. Stubbornly, she wrote off her feelings as a reaction to the panic attack. An appreciation that Suyin had helped her through it. Exacerbated by the fact that she had been so isolated from people. That was all.

She pulled away from Suyin, immediately missing the other woman's hands on her face. "I'm…I'm all right now," she said softly. "Thank you."

"Korra mentioned to me that you'd had panic attacks in…in prison. I didn't know if you'd have them here…I researched what to do." For a moment, she looked unsure. "You're okay?"

"For now. Sometimes…sometimes if I have one, I will be more prone to another soon." And with the stress of Bataar Jr. near, she was almost certain another attack was in her future. "I can't…I can't see him. Not…not right now."

"All right." Suyin took her hand. "You won't have to see him. I'll make sure of it. Let's go back to your rooms. Bataar is keeping Jr. busy. We won't run into him." She gently led Kuvira through the halls, down to the wing that she occupied alone. "I can't stay with you," Suyin said when they arrived, her voice laced with pain and regret. "I need to…there's still so much to do for tomorrow…and Jr. will wonder where I am. I haven't seen him in months."

Kuvira nodded. "That's fine." She almost said she would be all right, but she knew Suyin would see through the lie.

Sighing, Suyin covered her face with a hand. "Okay. Look, I'll stay here until I can find someone to stay with you. You shouldn't be alone. Not until you've fully recovered from your attack."

"That's not necessary-"

"Yes, it is. I'm not leaving you alone." She walked over to the phone that was in the corner of Kuvira's sitting room. "You like Hua, don't you? Would she be acceptable to come sit with you?"

It grated Kuvira to have anyone but Suyin see her like this, but she knew very well that she should not be alone, and Hua was pleasant enough. She certainly didn't look at Kuvira with disdain or suspicious the way some of the other guards did. "She'll do."

Suyin called for Hua, speaking briskly into the phone while Kuvira watched. Despite what Korra tried to tell her, Kuvira still felt shame whenever she had one of her attacks. Intellectually, she knew it wasn't a weakness, that it was a result of the trauma she had experienced. But in her heart, in her gut, she felt it as another failing. And it was a loss of control. The hardest thing for her to deal with. To know that her entire body would betray her periodically. At least this time she knew what the trigger had been. That was not always true. Sometimes the attacks came fast and hard with no warning, no apparent reason.

"Hua is on her way." Suyin spoke softly, and Kuvira gritted her teeth. Now she would always be seen as delicate and weak. She had worked so hard to present herself otherwise to Suyin. "I'll try to come back later today. Do you want to…No, never mind. I'll just have food brought to you. Jr. will be at meals."

"How long is he staying?" Kuvira sat in a chair, leaning her elbows on her knees to let her head rest in her hands.

"A week. I'm sorry."

Kuvira took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay. All right. I can…I can deal with that."

"I'll figure something out," Suyin promised. "Just get through today, and I'll have something figured out by tomorrow."

"It's just a week," Kuvira said. "I've been in prison for ten years. I can handle a week of confinement to this wing."

"It's not fair to you," Suyin insisted. "You're not in prison anymore, and you shouldn't have to act like you are."

"Extenuating circumstances." She would have said more, but Hua showed up, looking at Kuvira with concern.

"What can I do?" she asked, her eyes darting between Suyin and Kuvira.

"Just stay here and keep Kuvira company until I can return," Suyin told her. She looked back to Kuvira, pursing her lips, as if she was debating with herself. "She's had a panic attack-" Suyin kept speaking over Kuvira's growl of protest "-and she needs someone here with her. Kuvira, she has to know the situation to be of any help to you. Hua, if she starts having another one, help her control her breathing. Have her breathe in slowly while you count to five, have her hold it for seven seconds, then have her breathe out while you count to five again. You can also try distracting her by talking about something else. Don't let her tell you she's fine if she's clearly not."

"Yes, ma'am!" Hua saluted to Suyin, and Kuvira wanted to disappear into the floor. She was not an invalid. She was not helpless, not someone who needed taking care of. Having Suyin guide her through her panic attack was one thing. Having a babysitter almost twenty years her junior was quite another.

"I'll have lunch sent for you both. I have to go now." Suyin laid a hand on Kuvira's shoulder, squeezing gently. She then gave a nod to Hua as she swept from the room.

The young guard looked at Kuvira expectantly. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." Kuvira knew she should not be cross with the younger woman. That it wasn't her fault. But she felt chafed and uncomfortable without Suyin there. Hua, however, did not wilt in the face of her frigid response.

"Good. I didn't have time to bring anything with me, but I see that you have some books." She pointed to the bookshelf that lined one wall of the room. Kuvira had not actually gathered any of the books herself. They had been there when she arrived. She wondered if Suyin had picked them out herself, or if they were just here already. "Do you mind if I look for something to read? I don't want to be in your way."

"That's fine."

Hua flashed her a quick smile. She flitted over to the bookshelf, bouncing from foot to foot. She was often out in the practice yard in the mornings when Kuvira worked with Suyin and Kaori. Kuvira was fairly certain that she had yet to see Hua stand still for any significant length of time. It reminded her of how she had once been, long before life had gotten in the way. Back when she had first been one of Suyin's guards, when her youth was full of boundless energy that she had not yet learned to harness. It made her tired thinking about how things had changed so drastically.

"You know, I have asthma," Hua said as she perused the books. "Sometimes it makes bending really hard. I have to be careful with my breathing, and if I kick up too much dust, it can trigger an attack." Kuvira waited patiently for the point of this. She was not cruel enough to tell the girl to stop talking. No reason to make things awkward when they would be stuck together for however long it took Suyin to come back. Could be hours. At least until after lunch. "For a long time, I thought that it meant I…that I wasn't good enough. Like, I couldn't be a guard because I wasn't strong enough." Kuvira set her jaw tightly.

"It's not the same thing," she muttered.

"Sorry?"

"It's not the same. That's…that's biological. You can't help it."

Hua turned to look at her and rolled her eyes. "And you can't help having panic attacks. Having them doesn't make you weak, or whatever it is. I can tell you're really embarrassed, and I get that. I do. I get embarrassed about my asthma. I know it's not something to be ashamed of, but sometimes I still can't help feeling that way. But, like, it doesn't mean you're lesser. Just look at the Avatar! She has those flashbacks and sometimes she has trouble bending because of it." Over the years, Korra had been open and transparent in regards to her PTSD. She had raised awareness and offered support to other individuals who suffered from it.

And she had said the same thing to Kuvira that Hua was spouting.

"Just because you've had something happen to you and it still affects you doesn't mean that you're, I don't know, not as good anymore." Hua pulled a book from the shelf, flipping through it as she turned back to Kuvira. "So, you know, you don't have to be all awkward with me. I understand. And I won't tell anyone about it, either." She took her book over to one of the chairs and plopped down. "Have you read this?" She held up the cover. Metalbending for Shithead Dummies by Toph Beifong.

"No."

"I only met Toph once, and she was terrifying." Hua raised a brow at Kuvira. "Did you ever meet her?"

Kuvira frowned. Surely Hua knew of her history, knew who she was and what she had done. Surely she knew that Toph had rescued Suyin and her family from her. "Yes. A few times."

"Lucky. I'm so jealous."

"Don't be. The last time wasn't under the best of circumstances."

"Oh right. Back when you were trying to unite the Earth Kingdom." So, she was aware after all. And not afraid to be blunt.

"Yes."

"Well, from what I can tell, she was always mean and cranky. But I would have loved to learn metal bending from her. Suyin's a great teacher, but I mean can you imagine being taught by Toph Beifong! She invented metalbending!"

Kuvira did not say that when she had been young, only with the Beifongs for a little while, she had gotten the opportunity to learn some from Toph. Their stays in Zaofu overlapped. Kuvira lived here for several years before Toph decided to go on her travels. Suyin had been the one to teach her metalbending, but Toph had been around, offering pointers. Kuvira was of the opinion that Toph should have never been allowed around small children who were not her own. It had not taken long for Suyin to quietly ask her mother to refrain from being so harsh with Kuvira. Of course, Hua seemed to have such hero worship that Kuvira doubted she'd be open to any negative words about Toph.

"You've had the opportunity to learn from Suyin, though," Kuvira redirected. "She is an excellent teacher."

"Oh, yeah, of course! I mean, I already said that." She flashed another smile, and Kuvira wondered what it would take to make her feel awkward. She just kept barreling on through conversations that would have stuttered anyone else. "Anyway, it's like, of course Suyin is amazing, but sometimes you wonder what it would be like with someone else. Although, I imagine it would be super scary to learn from Toph."

"Indeed," Kuvira agreed from experience.

"Or from Chief Beifong! I feel bad for those metalbending police officers!" Hua tucked her legs under her in the chair.

"Chief Beifong isn't so bad," Kuvira found herself saying. "She's just gruff."

"You know her?"

"In a way." Lin had been one of the few people to visit her regularly. At first Kuvira had not known why the Chief had started coming to see her. They had never really spoken, not even when Lin had visited Zaofu, and the extent of their relationship consisted of them trying to kill each other. However, about a month into her incarceration, Kuvira had somehow ended up across the bars from Lin Beifong, who claimed that Korra had encouraged her to come. She had said it would be a 'healing' experience. Kuvira was still unsure if that had been the case, but eventually the two of them found that they had more in common than either of them would care to admit.

"I've always wanted to meet her, but she hardly ever comes to Zaofu, and last time she was here, I was visiting cousins in Ba Sing Se!" Hua shook her head. "Talk about bad timing."

"She's supposed to come in a couple of weeks," Kuvira said.

"Oh?"

"Yes. She…part of my release is that she and the Avatar monitor my progress monthly."

"So Avatar Korra will be here, too!" It was as if she had told Hua that she'd won an all expense trip to her favorite destination.

"Yes."

"Will Asami Sato be here, too?"

"I'm not sure." Kuvira did not have the same relationship with Asami that she did with Korra. Seeing as Kuvira was directly responsible for the death of her father. "They have a new baby. I don't know if Asami will want to travel."

Hua's face fell momentarily before another smile relit it. "Well, still. Those are two heroes of mine, and I'll definitely be in town this time to meet them!" Her eyes grew wide and serious. "Will you introduce me?"

"What?"

"Since you know them both. Will you introduce me?"

"I…Su knows them both, too. She definitely knows Lin better than I do. Perhaps Korra, too. You should ask her."

"Oh, I don't…I don't want to overstep. We're not really…she's my teacher, but she's so… she keeps a distance from us, you know? I mean surely you know. You were her student, too."

And Kuvira realized in that moment just how different her relationship with Suyin was from the rest of her students. How differently Suyin had treated her. Not a daughter. Not a student. Something else entirely. Hua seemed to think that Suyin treated all of her students the same way, and Kuvira was inclined to believe her. That all of Suyin's students were held at a respectable arm's length. Cared for and molded and fostered, but never by her side at all times. Never invited to her office or rooms for late night tea and conversation. That was unique to Kuvira. She had always assumed…It made sense, though. Suyin could never bring her into the family as a child, so she had settled for the next best thing. Kuvira had a moment of guilt, a moment where she wished she had appreciate what Suyin had tried to do. She had been the one to resist, to refuse to become part of the family despite what Suyin had wanted. And now…now things were different once again. Suyin wasn't her teacher, wasn't her mentor anymore, wasn't her parent. Only a guardian in the sense that she was to keep an eye on her. And yet of all the people Kuvira knew, the people who were important to her (small as that number was), Suyin was the one whose attention and affection she craved.

Kuvira knew she would have to examine the reason for that sometime soon.

"I'm sure that Suyin wouldn't mind," she eventually said because she was aware that Hua was still waiting for her response. "But I can introduce you to Korra and Chief Beifong if you're more comfortable with that."

"Thank you, Kuvira!" Hua's beaming smile was bright enough to tug reciprocally at the corner of Kuvira's mouth. This girl had successfully distracted her from her anxiety over Jr.'s arrival. Her chest was no longer tight and uncomfortable. She no longer felt overwhelmed and about to come apart. She had honestly expected another panic attack to follow her earlier one, but now she thought…maybe she had escape. It was still too soon to tell, and another could still come unexpectedly, but she thought that it was no longer a certainty.

"It's nothing."

After that, the conversation tapered off. Hua actually became immersed in Toph's book, and Kuvira tried meditating to keep herself calm. She had to take a break when lunch came, but in the afternoon, she thought she was able to reach a good place. Good enough that when Suyin returned, she was very much prepared to discuss the situation with Bataar Jr.

Suyin knocked on her door not long after dinner, and told Hua that she could leave. As they watched her bow and scamper out the door, Kuvira took a step towards Suyin. The older woman waited for Hua's footsteps to fade, then met Kuvira half way.

"Are you all right?" She reached out to touch Kuvira's face, and Kuvira let her.

"Yes. How is…How is Bataar Jr.?"

"He is well."

"Did he…did he say anything about me?"

Suyin gave her a pained look. "Do you really want to know?"

"No. I suppose not."

"I'm staying with you tonight," Suyin said resolutely with a curt nod of her head.

"What? No, I don't need you to do…That's not-"

"Kuvira. I know this is hard for you. Tell me honestly, would you prefer I don't stay? Would that make it worse?"

"I…"Kuvira turned away from Suyin, remembering her attraction from earlier, her revelation about their relationship. She needed to figure things out, and she was unsure if she could do that unless Suyin gave her space. "I think it would be best if I was alone tonight."

"I see."

"Su…I'm just not accustomed to having people in my space so often," Kuvira truthfully said. "I've had Hua with me all day. I spend so much time surrounded by people now, and I'm feeling…I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it."

"I understand that, I do." Suyin's brows tipped in concern. "But you said that you might have another panic attack, and I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone. I know I'm the only person you would even consider allowing to stay the night. I wouldn't push you. I would sleep out here." She waved her hand at the sofa.

"Su, please. I'll be fine."

"You're acting strange, and I don't want-"

"Just leave it!"

They both froze, staring at each other. Kuvira had never been prone to raising her voice, not even as the Great Uniter. She had always had such a lock on her emotions, or at least how she expressed them, how the affected her outwardly. And now here she was, letting Suyin get under her skin. If she was honest with herself, Suyin had always been the only person who could. The only one who could affect her that way. So much more so than Bataar Jr. ever had.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I'm trying so hard," Suyin said, equally as quiet. Admitting any kind of weakness, any kind of failing, any kind of difficulty was so unheard of from Suyin, and Kuvira sighed, shaking her head.

"I know."

"I love you both. So much. You and Bataar Jr. And I don't know….I don't know how to balance that without hurting one of you. Or both."

"You don't need to worry about me." Kuvira put her hands on her hips and looked down at her feet. "I've been through much worse than having to avoid my ex-fiancé."

"You now it's different. It's more than that."

"I know."

Suyin slid her fingers under Kuvira's chin, tilting her head up. "I'll ask one more time, and then I promise I'll drop it. Do you want me to stay tonight?"

Yes. She wanted to say yes. She wanted…she wanted to want to say yes, but she knew she couldn't. She knew she shouldn't. She was not in a place where she could safely open herself to Suyin that way. She needed her sanctuary, her peace. At least for a while longer. At least until she knew how to deal with all this. Being in Zaofu, seeing Suyin every day, seeing Kaori as a reminder of all she didn't have. Knowing that Bataar Jr. was just a few hundred yards away. Knowing that the more time she spent with Suyin, the more they worked past their issues and grew comfortable with each other, the more her attraction would grow. And she was not ready to deal with that yet. She had such little experience dealing with attraction at all. She had only ever felt attraction for two, maybe three, people including Suyin. Because she had only ever felt close to those few people. And for her, a deep emotional connection was required for attraction.

And she was scared.

"I need to be alone tonight," she said firmly, hating the rejection that flitted across Suyin's face ever so briefly. The older woman quickly composed her features, and nodded.

"If you're sure."

"I am."

"All right." Suyin breathed in deeply, and let it out through her nose. "I think I've worked out a schedule that will be…the least disagreeable for everyone. I've asked Jr. to stay away from the rooms you've been working on, so you can go there during the day without being interrupted. I'll have lunch and dinner sent to you. I'm assuming you'll still want to train?"

"Yes."

"Tomorrow, Bataar Sr. is going to take Jr. to see the parts of Zaofu that have changed since the last time here was here. That will give you a few hours in the morning where you can be in the practice yard. We'll have to take that day by day, I'm afraid."

"That's fine. I appreciate everything you're doing."

Suyin studied her for a moment. "If you do have a problem tonight, please call." She walked over to the table and scribbled two numbers down on a piece of paper which she placed next to the phone. "The first one is to the phone in our bedroom. The second is to my office. Try there if I'm not in the bedroom."

"I remember your numbers," Kuvira said, surprising Suyin.

"After thirteen years?"

"I have a good memory."

"Regardless, we've changed them since then. These are different from the ones you knew."

"Ah. All right." Somehow, that hurt, though she rationalized that there was no reason for her to feel that way. They were just numbers. And she was done with that part of her life anyway.

"I know you don't want me to stay, but do you want me to sit with you for a while?" Suyin brushed a thumb across her cheek. And Kuvira knew that she needed space. Right. Now.

"No," she said briskly. "Thank you, but no. I would like to be alone." This time, she could not try and soothe the hurt on Suyin's face, and her heart clenched as Suyin's demeanor hardened.

"That's fine." Suyin pulled away and stalked to the door. She hesitated and glanced back at Kuvira. "Good night."

"Good night." She waited until Suyin was gone before sinking into the nearest chair and wrapping her arms around herself.

She was well and truly fucked.