AN: I didn't even proof read this once, so I'm sorry if it's not very coherent. I wanted to get it up today.

Also, warning for panic attack and Kuvira thinking about the nature of her relationship with Su and if they count as family in a way that would make romance a no go.

"Stop fidgeting," Suyin said, amusement coloring her voice. Kuvira was bouncing from foot to foot as they waited for the airship to land.

"I'm not…" She sighed and willed herself still. Hard to believe she was only a few years away from forty. This visit had her feeling like a teenager again. "I'm just nervous," she relented. Lying to Suyin would be useless. The other woman knew her well enough. And even if she didn't, Kuvira had long ago lost her impressive poker face. Ten years in prison, much of it spent alone, could have that effect.

"Nervous to see Korra?" There was an odd tone to Suyin's voice that Kuvira could not place. As if the older woman was trying too hard to sound casual. "Or nervous about her evaluation of you?"

Kuvira thought about it for a moment. "Both."

She had felt so different the past few weeks. Like some strange mix of who she was as a teenager, and who she was now as someone closing in on middle age (Suyin would tell her that thirty-seven was hardly middle aged). She felt like someone her age should be…farther along in life. She was so completely dependent on other people, much like a teenager. She did not have her own income, a job, anything that did not belong to Suyin in some way. Korra was six, almost seven, years younger, and had a wife, a family, friends, a position of significant importance. She had saved the world multiple times before any of that happened, once from Kuvira herself. She just felt so young and so far behind where she wanted to be. She just wanted to make sure that from this point forward, she would progress as Korra wanted.

She also worried that her internal conflict over her feelings for Suyin would be so incredibly obvious to the Avatar. Here she was supposed to be trying to heal spiritually and reach a peace and calm and instead, she felt more jumbled and mixed up inside than she had in a very long time. In fact, the last time she had felt so confused had been at Lin and Kya's wedding three years earlier when she had run into Suyin for the first time outside her prison cell. It had been a strange and awkward encounter at first, as if they were both unsure how to speak with one another without the bars between them (Kuvira had gotten permission to go since the entire police force and the Avatar would be there and she was seven years into her sentence with a perfect behavioral record). It had also been the first time Kuvira had felt true affection from Suyin since her imprisonment. Perhaps because the other woman had been well on her way to drunkenness, and her inhibitions had been lowered, but Suyin had been open and honest and had spent much of the evening by Kuvira's side, away from her family.

And then their next meeting, Suyin had gone back to being cold and aloof. And it had taken them three years to get back to that point.

"I'm sure that both will be fine," Suyin said, laying a hand on Kuvira's arm. "You've come so far. Do you feel like you are where you should be?"

It was such a loaded question, and Kuvira was unsure how to answer it.

"I don't know."

"Only you can decide how quickly you should be moving," Suyin said softly, her eyes full of something more than affection. Love. It wasn't like it was a surprise. Not like Suyin hadn't already said she loved Kuvira plenty of times before. It wasn't a secret she was trying to hide. Still, it had been so long since someone had looked at her that way. It still startled Kuvira. No one's eyes had shown such love towards her since…well, since Baatar Jr. She really did not want to think about what that could mean.

She was most definitely reading too much into it. Letting her attraction and emotions color how she was reading Suyin's words and actions. She had never seen anyone so in love with their partner than Suyin and Baatar Sr. Well, except perhaps Korra and Asami. And Lin and Kaya, though they were usually much more downplayed than the other two couples (she decided that making out at their own wedding after a few drinks each didn't really count towards their pda tally). Suyin loved Baatar very much, considered him a partner in every way. She also loved Kuvira, just not in the way Kuvira want-

No. She did not want that. She did not want to destroy a marriage, a family.

She realized Suyin was still looking at her expectantly. "I…I know. I set my own pace." Korra had drilled those words into Kuvira's head when she had become discouraged by her hard it was for her to work though her guilt, how slowly she processed everything. "I just…"She sighed. It was an issue she was not ready to discuss with Suyin. "It doesn't matter."

"It clearly does." Suyin was about to say more, but the airship was docking. "We will talk about this later," she promised. She was becoming more insistent about discussing Kuvira's feelings, her emotions. Kuvira got the distinct feeling that Korra had put her up to it, had asked Suyin to make sure that her charge was not bottling up her emotions in an unhealthy way. As if Suyin was the best for that job, she thought bitterly. Suyin who liked to pretend bad things never happened and that she had never once put herself at risk doing something reckless and stupid.

But Kuvira would have to ponder that later because an Avatar shaped blur was hurtling toward her.

"Kuvira!" At thirty-one, Korra still had the energy of a teenager, nearly knocking them both over as she wrapped Kuvira in a hug. For the first time since arriving in Zaofu, Kuvira felt light and free, laughing as she caught Korra.

"It's so good to see you," she said, reciprocating Korra's hug. Her entire being just relaxed in Korra's arms. She had not really realized just how much she had missed the Avatar. In prison, Korra had visited her at least twice a week. They had not gone so long without seeing each other in years and years. Next to her, Suyin's brows drew together in an almost frown, but her attention was soon taken by the other passenger disembarking from the airship.

"Hey, Sis," Lin Beifong said as she approached. She pulled Su into a hug. They broke their embrace long before Korra let go of Kuvira. When she finally relented, Lin clapped Kuvira on the shoulder. "Nice to see you, too, kiddo." Lin liked to call anyone under the age of fifty 'kid,' no matter how old that person was or how many children they had, as Korra liked to point out.

"Good to see you, too, Chief."

Lin made a face and waved her hand dismissively. "I retired two months ago, Kuvira. Just call me Lin."

"All right. Then it's good to see you, Lin." It would be hard for her to adjust. Lin had always been Chief of Police. Always. As long as Kuvira had been incarcerated, up until the last month. When she had stepped down, Kuvira had feared that her successor would go back on the parole. But Saikhan had honored the agreement. And Lin was still in charge of Kuvira's parole, still the one charged with checking in on her. When she wasn't traveling with Kya, of course.

Korra had moved on to hugging Suyin. It might have been her imagination, but Kuvira thought that Suyin's greeting to the Avatar was slightly cooler than usual.

"Korra, how are you?" Her smile seemed strained, but Kuvira thought she must be the only one who saw it. Korra and Lin both acted normal. "How are Asami and the kids?"

"I'm well, and the family is amazing, as always," Korra said with a laugh. "Oh! I have like a million pictures of the baby!" She began reaching into her pocket to pull them out, but Lin touched her hand, stalling her.

"Later, Kid. Let's get settled first."

"Oh. Right." Korra grinned, and Kuvira could not help but smile in return. Everything with Suyin was always so serious and intense. She knew that Suyin could be light and fun. She was with Kaori and Baatar Sr. and even Huan when he allowed it. And fourteen years earlier, she would have been the same way with Kuvira. But now they were just beginning to figure out how to be around each other again. They weren't ready for teasing, for light hearted fun. Not yet. But Korra and Kuvira already had ten years of healing under their belts, and their relationship was not so heavy anymore.

"Let's move this inside," Suyin said. She let the group inside as guards took Lin and Korra's bags to their rooms.

"Asami wishes she could have come," Korra explained as they walked. "But we didn't feel comfortable leaving the little ones, and we thought the trip would be too much for them."

Suyin nodded. "Of course. We understand." She looked at Kuvira, clearly speaking for them both. It was odd, being included in a unit with Suyin. There was a strange intimacy about it that set Kuvira on edge.

Suyin led them into the large salon, where she took a seat on the couch, her legs curled up under her. She looked at Kuvira and patted the place next to her, the invitation clear. This kind of possessiveness was startling. Feeling suddenly awkward, Kuvira gingerly lowered herself into the offered seat. Lin and Korra took the other couch, across the miniature replica of Zaofu.

"How was the trip?" Suyin asked, as if everything was normal. Kuvira frowned and looked over at her. The older woman leaned against the back of the couch, her arm draped over it in a way that settled it behind Kuvira's shoulders. Kuvira was unsure what kind of message Suyin was trying to send, and who she was trying to send it to. Clearly, it was an action that marked Kuvira as 'hers,' which felt equal parts unsettling and thrilling to Kuvira. But who in the room would be threatening that? Lin didn't care, and Korra just wanted everyone to be happy.

"It was uneventful," Lin said, shrugging. Her shrewd eyes had followed Suyin's arm as it snaked around Kuvira's shoulders. "Though someone wouldn't stop singing 'Secret Tunnel' after Kya told them how much it bugged me." She glared at Korra who shot her a brilliant smile.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Korra said, feigning innocence. Kuvira had to smile at the image. She knew how much Korra enjoyed irritating Lin. The two of them had known each other for a long time, had been through a lot together, and Kuvira knew that the teasing between them was out of affection forged through surviving together.

Lin rolled her eyes at Korra. "Anyway, besides that, it was fine. No turbulence or anything. This new design for airships that Asami made is so much more streamline. That girl is a wonderment."

Korra nodded in agreement, a dreamy smile on her face. "Yeah. Asami is so awesome."

"You'd think that you two had only been together for a few months, the way you get all moony-eyed when you talk about her," Lin said.

"Oh, and you don't get that way about Kya?"

Lin sniffed. "That's hardly the point here."

"Yes, yes," Suyin interrupted. "You're both disgustingly in love." She may have glanced at Kuvira there, but the younger woman stared resolutely ahead, refusing to meet Suyin's eyes. How had this gotten so uncomfortable so fast? Just the week before, she had been promising herself that she would not let herself get too close to Suyin. She would keep a respectful distance, keep herself from doing anything to cause this situation to become….complicated. Until today, she had thought that her feelings, her attraction and…whatever else she was feeling, was unreciprocated. But this….this strange jealously she sensed from Suyin could have pointed to the contrary.

Or perhaps she was reading too much into the situation. Suyin knew she was nervous about all of this. Perhaps she was staying close and offering moral support. Just showing Kuvira that she was there.

"I've had lunch prepared for us all," Suyin continued. "It should be ready shortly. Korra, what was your timeline for working with Kuvira?"

Korra's brows shot up, and she seemed startled. "Oh. I had kind of just planned on winging it. There's no set criteria to decide how well she's doing." Korra looked at Kuvira. "What do you think?"

"I had thought you would decide," she admitted, appreciating that Korra wasn't going to talk about her like she wasn't there.

"All I need to know," Lin said, "from my side, is has she broken any rules while being here?"

"No," Suyin said.

"Has she been cooperative?"

"Yes."

"Has she threatened anyone or tried to leave?"

"No."

"All right. The rest of it, I'll have to ask you in private, Su." She shrugged at Kuvira. "No offense. Just procedure. I'll ask you some questions later, after Korra's done her thing."

"That's fine," Kuvira said, nodding. She understood how it had to work. Though she had not felt like a criminal the last few weeks, she knew that was what she still was. Someone who could potentially be rather dangerous to the public at large. Someone who had to be monitored. This was a part of the conditions of her release. Free from prison, but not truly free. Perhaps she never would be. That prospect was…daunting. She had been prepared for it while in prison, had been able to let go of any hope of living a normal life again. But now…now it was so close. She almost had it. Because really, even if she had been free, this was where she would be. If Suyin would have her, Zaofu was always where she would come back to. Suyin was who she would always come back to.

It struck her then that it had always been Suyin. Even when it had been Baatar Jr., it had been Suyin. And that revelation struck her so deeply that she found herself standing up abruptly.

When she realized they were all looking at her, she knew she had to cover quickly. "Excuse me. I need to use the restroom."

"Kuvira," Suyin began, standing up with her. "Are you all right?"

"Fine. I'll be right back." Swallowing her panic, she strode out into the hallway and straight to the nearest privy. Once inside, she leaned over, bracing herself on the wash counter, trying to focus on her breathing. Another panic attack was on its way, she knew. She immediately turned all her attention to counting out her breathing. No one was with her to help her through it, and she did not want Suyin to know it was happening at all. She did not want the questions that would come with it because in this state, she was unsure if she could lie convincingly.

"Kuvira?" The voice through the door was Korra's.

"Just-a-a—m-minute," Kuvira stammered, knowing that her voice was high and thready.

Instead of waiting, Korra opened the door, closing it quickly behind her. "I thought so," she said softly, taking in Kuvira's predicament. "Okay, look at me, Kuvira. We've done this a million times together." She waited as Kuvira straightened out, then took the older woman's face between her hands. "In—two—three—four—five—six—seven. Hold—two—three—four—five. Out—two—three—four—five—six—seven." Korra closed her eyes, and Kuvira felt the familiar tingle of her accessing her spirit energy. A they counted together, Korra used that energy to soothe Kuvira's racing heart. It was, they had found, the most effective way of easing a panic attack. It was faster and better than just talking Kuvira down. "Close your eyes, Kuvira," Korra spoke quietly. "Find your inner peace. All of this is just a storm that will pass. Just go to your sanctuary."

They had created a place in Kuvira's mind where she was safe from the pressures of the outside world, from her own thoughts. A place she could retreat to when things became too overwhelming. She had been neglecting to meditate like this since coming to Zaofu. She would have to be more diligent in the future.

Eventually, Korra released her hold on Kuvira. "Better?"

"Yes." She looked into the Avatar's blue eyes and knew she was going to have to tell Korra everything. Honesty was the only way to heal. The only way to keep her spirit from becoming twisted and cold again.

"So, you want to tell me what that was about?" Korra kept a hand on Kuvira's shoulder. "Do you know what it was about? Was it about Su?"

Sighing, Kuvira leaned against the counter, breaking her contact with Korra. "Yes."

"Are things…okay between you two?"

Kuvira shrugged helplessly. "They've been…really great, actually. She's been…very supportive and good with me. Even when Jr. came to visit, she was there for me."

"Yeah, I was going to ask about that," Korra admitted. "When Lin told me he had come to visit, I knew it would be hard on you."

"It definitely wasn't fun." She crossed her hands over her chest. "I…I had another panic attack then, too. Su helped me through that one."

"But you two haven't had any fights or anything?"

"No. Like I said. Things have been good."

"So then what was this about?"

Kuvira turned away, shaking her head. "I don't…I just…I'm confused."

"About?"

"My feelings."

"For Su?"

"Yes."

Korra came over to stand in front of her again, dipping her head down to try and get a good look at Kuvira's face. "Kuvira."

"I know."

"Like romantic?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Shit."

"I know."

"Does she know?"

Kuvira shook her head again. "No. At least, I haven't said anything. I really hadn't figured it out until about five minutes ago."

"Okay." Korra leaned against the counter next to her, blowing out a long sigh. "Okay. We can figure this out."

"There's nothing to figure out," Kuvira said. "She's married, and that's that. It doesn't matter what my feelings are. I'm not going to let them go any further. I…Korra, I'm happy here, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize this."

"You've had two panic attacks in less than a month. That's the closest together they've been in over a year."

"I know. But they've both been for good reasons. And we both knew that this change in environment could cause them to be more easily triggered."

"That's true." Korra looked at her with concern. "But is this going to cause you more trouble? I don't want you in a place where you're going to be in emotional turmoil."

"I'm all right." Kuvira knew that Korra and Lin could take her back to Republic City at any time. If they thought it was best. She hated having so little say over her own life. But she had done it to herself. She just had to trust that Korra would listen to her.

"If you want, I can find another place for you," Korra said. "I can make it happen."

"I don't know. I…I'm home. And I haven't felt that in…a very long time."

Korra slung an arm around Kuvira's shoulder, and pulled her close. "You do seem happier. Different. I'll need to see you in your daily routine, but I'm already pretty sure that you're where you're supposed to be. Do you think so?"

Kuvira nodded. "Even with everything that's going on, I think I'm on the right path."

"We're going to have to talk about this more."

"I know."

"But for now, they'll be wondering where we are. Su wanted to come after you, but I convinced her to wait. Are you ready to go back out there?" Korra pushed herself off the counter and looked at Kuvira expectantly.

"Thank you." Kuvira straightened up. "I think I'm ready."

When they returned to the salon, Suyin was pacing like a caged tigress. When she saw Kuvira, she headed over to them in a bee-line.

"Are you all right?" She asked, coming up to take Kuvira's face in her hands. Korra raised her brows but said nothing.

"I'm fine." Kuvira did not know why she felt so irritated with Suyin, but she did. The other woman's hands on her face made her feel trapped and cornered where they usually brought comfort. She gently pulled away. "I just needed a moment."

"Did you have a panic attack?"

"It was nothing. Korra handled it."

"Maybe you should go rest-"

"It's fine!" Silence rand after her forceful declaration.

"Just let it go, Su," Lin urged her shocked sister. "If Korra and Kuvira think that it's fine, then it's fine."

Kuvira's face burned from being the cause of the whole situation, and she knew that even if Suyin dropped it for now, later she would want to talk about this again. Suyin glared at her sister, but they were all saved by the messenger who came to tell them that lunch was ready.

As usual, Kuvira took her place next to Suyin, with Korra on her other side. Kaori was beside herself meeting the Avatar, and her excitement managed to temper the tension from earlier. She dominated the conversation as she asked Korra about what the Avatar did, all about her adventures, all about the Spirit world.

Suyin and Kuvira barely said two words to each other, and Kuvira knew that Baatar had noticed. He watched them both carefully, and Kuvira wanted to throw up. He was so concerned about her wellbeing, and she repaid him by having a growing physical and romantic attraction to his wife.

His wife who was old enough to be her mother. Who had indeed tried to be a mother to her. Whose son she had almost married. It was wrong. So so so wrong for her to feel this way about Suyin. Was she just latching on in an attempt to fill that whole that was still left by her abandonment? Was she trying to compensate for all the people she had lost over the years? Was she feeling this way because Suyin was the only one who had ever come back?

She knew that if Korra had not calmed her spirit earlier, she would have spiraled into another panic attack right there at the table. As it was, she could not stomach more than a few bites of her food, and just pushed it around on her plate. Suyin kept watching her worriedly. Korra, too, kept an eye on her as she answered Kaori's questions.

Kuvira tried to go over in her head all the reasons why she could not have romantic feelings toward Suyin. First, Suyin had been her guardian, had taken her in when she was eight. Spirits, when she was a child. Most people would see Suyin as her mother. Though Kuvira knew that wasn't true. She had never been a child of Suyin's. If she had, then her engagement to Baatar Jr. would have been exceptionally problematic. If she had been Suyin's child, then he would have been her brother. But that was not how it had worked at all. Suyin had been her teacher, her mentor, even a friend. But never a parent.

A more pressing reason was that Suyin was twenty years her senior and married. And Kuvira's guardian. That stalled her. Suyin had power over her. Suyin could throw her out at any time. If she mis-stepped, then if she messed this up, the she would have nowhere else to go. She and Korra had talked many times about how to have healthy relationships, and Kuvira knew that as long as Suyin was her guardian, as long as Suyin was in charge of her, responsible for her, they could never have a healthy relationship between equals. And that more than anything ha her sighing and slumping in her chair.

Had she been the type to drink, she would have asked for a rather large glass of wine to drown in.

When lunch was over, she knew Suyin wanted to speak with her, but Lin and Korra managed to convince her to let Korra take Kuvira for what they called an 'evaluation session.' Suyin was not pleased, but she relented, letting Korra go with Kuvira back to her rooms for meditation and discussion.

Contrary to what Kuvira had expected, Korra did not immediately want to talk about Suyin. First, they spoke about Kuvira's routine, what she worked on each day, if she felt fulfilled, if she felt like she could be doing more. They discussed how Kaori's presence was hard for Kuvira and how she had successfully worked through those issues in a constructive manner. The subject stayed away from Suyin for so long that Kuvira thought maybe Korra wasn't going to bring it up at all. She was wrong.

The subject of Kaori led to the subject of Suyin. Korra looked at Kuvira seriously. "We need to talk about this Suyin thing. I know you said you could handle it, but you looked awful during lunch, and everyone could tell."

Kuvira groaned, pushing herself up from where she had been sitting on the floor. "Would you like some tea?" she asked. "This type of conversation goes better with tea."

"Sure," Korra said, standing and stretching, as well. She paced around the room a few times before sitting on the couch. "So tell me what you were thinking about at lunch."

"I was thinking about all the reasons why I can't even think about Suyin this was. The least of those reasons being the age difference."

"Okay. Hit me. What are the reasons?"

"She could have been my mother."

"But she wasn't, and we both know neither of you saw your relationship that way."

"That's true," Kuvira said, waiting for the water to boil. She had come to that conclusion on her own, but it still felt strange. She knew that other people wouldn't see it her way. They would see it as something awful. "It doesn't even matter, though. Even if she was my age and single, it would still be a horrible idea."

"Why?" Korra just tilted her head, as if she already knew the answer and just wanted Kuvira to say it.

"She has power over me," Kuvira said softly. "There is a power imbalance. She gets to tell me what to do, legally. It's not a good dynamic for a relationship."

"Korra gave her a sad smile. "Exactly."

"So really, none of the other stuff matters," Kuvira said as she poured the tea. She gave a cup to Korra and went to stand next to the bookshelf. She did not quite feel like sitting just yet.

"I'll ask again. Do you think you can stay here, or is it going to be too hard or turn into a bad situation?"

"I was telling the truth earlier when I said this was where I wanted to be."

"What we want and what we need aren't always the same," Korra told her gently.

"I know."

"Look, from what I've seen so far, you're thriving here," Korra said. "And I'm pretty sure Su is going to only say good things to Lin. I don't really know what the best thing to do is here. If you stay, but this thing with Su continues to get worse, it could really set you back and hurt you. And hurt her. But if I take you away…It could be just as bad. So tell me honestly. What do you think will be best for you?"

Kuvira did take the time to think it over. It was an important decision, and Korra was allowing her to use her own judgment. At least in a small way she had some autonomy. Which felt so incredibly good. She thought that she had the proper amount of freedom in Zaofu. There was nowhere else she could go where the person over her would trust her the way Suyin did. And there was nowhere else where she would feel comfortable and at home.

"I need to stay here," she said finally.

"All right," Korra nodded. "I'll trust you. But Kuvira, please be careful, and be aware of what's happening. The moment you think things are changing for the worse, contact me, and we will figure something out. I promise."

"I will. I mean, I'm not even entirely sure what it is I feel." Kuvira turned to look at Korra. "I'm just…so confused."

Korra stood and came up next to Kuvira. "I just want you to be happy."

"I am. I mean…as happy as I can be." Kuvira sighed. "I just don't want to mess this up."

"You're doing really well, considering all the changes you've been through. It's hard to adjust."

"I'm really glad you're here," Kuvira whispered. She stood there and let Korra hug her.

"You need to be careful with yourself," Korra said. "Su is like the sun, I know. It's so easy to be drawn to her and want to give things up for her. But you have to make the decisions that are best for you."

"I'm trying."

Korra pulled back and placed a kiss on Kuvira's forehead. "We've talked through a lot today, and I know you're exhausted. Why don't you get some rest, and we'll do more tomorrow." Kuvira nodded and walked Korra to the door. As she sat alone in her room, she wondered if she really could do this. Because all she wanted now was to see Suyin. Even after every revelation she'd had that day, she wanted Suyin to be with her. She wanted Suyin to knock on her door, to come in her room. She probably wanted Suyin to kiss her.

No, she definitely wanted Suyin to kiss her.

And with that in mind, she went to bed, trying to force her mind to let go of the woman she could never ever have.