AN: And here we are, we made it. The chapter we've all been waiting for.
warnings for this chapter include sex (finally), a panic attack, a nightmare with death and violence, and Kuvira generally having a hard time with self worth (but only briefly).
please review and let me know what you think!
Kuvira sat with Kya in the living room while Lin finished showering. Lin had complained of a long day and wanted to freshen up before she took Kuvira over to Suyin's.
"You're sure about this," Kya asked, her normally light manner serious for once.
"Yes." Kuvira was packed for a long weekend with Suyin, after some obscure string pulling from Lin to make sure they were legally covered. Kya had already cornered her and delivered the safe sex talk despite Kuvira's assurances that she already knew everything. As it turned out, there were a few things she had not known, but that did not make the experience any less mortifying.
"There's one more thing I need to tell you," Kya said, ignoring Kuvira groan of protest. "No, it's important. Look, sometimes…your first time isn't going to be spark and fireworks. It's not going to be the best thing you've ever done. I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed because you've built it up so much."
"Kya…"
"Now, you do have the advantage of an experienced partner, which means it will probably be good." Kya leaned forward, her face sincere, and Kuvira knew that no matter how uncomfortable these conversations were, Kya really did just have her best interests at heart. "Su will know what she's doing, but she doesn't know what you like yet. You don't even know what you like yet. It will get better the more you learn about each other, but the first time might be awkward and uncomfortable. But that's all right. As long as you are open and let Su know how you're feeling, things will be fine. She'll listen and try her best to make it good for you. Really, you're lucky. A lot of people have horrible first times."
"Yeah," said Lin as she walked into the room. Kuvira had just given up on trying to hide her sex life from them. It was easier to just accept their input and advice. "Try losing it to Tenzin."
Kya glared at her, pointing a strong finger at her wife. "Dammit, Lin! How many times have I asked you not to bring that up? He's my brother!"
"And you're telling Kuvira how to fuck my sister." Lin raised her brows as Kuvira covered her face. "Fair is fair."
"Can we remember who the real victim is here?" Kuvira said. "It's me. The one who has her personal business openly discussed."
"There are no secrets here," Lin said, shaking her head. "Kya insists. Unless it's to talk about how Tenzin didn't last two minutes and then rolled over and fell asleep."
"I'm fucking warning you, Lin." Kya actually looked angry, and Lin winced.
"Sorry. Anyway, point is, Kuvira, you'll be fine. But please, for the love of everything holy, do not share anything with me when you get back."
"I can promise that," Kuvira muttered. "Are we ready? Can I go now?"
"Yes please, before Lin says something else that will kill my sex drive for another year," Kya grumbled.
Lin leaned over and kissed her forehead. "I love you, and you're better than Tenzin ever was."
"Go away," Kya said, scowling.
In the elevator, Kuvira glanced over at Lin. "You do realize how weird this is, right?"
"What? That I'm escorting you to an adult sleepover with my sister?" Lin looked at her pointedly. "Yeah, I realize how weird it is."
"Well, thank you…for doing this."
"Sure.
Lin didn't talk to her again until they reached the Beifong compound, and Kuvira did feel bad about how involved she had to be in all of this. Though, Kuvira could think of it as pay back for all the times she had to listen to Lin and Kya talk about their own sex lives.
Suyin was waiting for them, her body thrumming with energy. She practically pushed Lin back out the door with barely a 'thank you,' and smiled, beamed really, as she took Kuvira's hand.
"I'm so glad you're here."
"Me, too." Kuvira returned the smile, though less freely. She was apprehensive and jittery.
"Baatar left this morning. Huan and Kaori went with him." Suyin's fingers entwined with hers. "Huan took some convincing, but now it's just the two of us. I have plans for tonight, if that's all right with you."
"Oh?"
"Yes. You said you wanted a date, so tonight we're going to have a nice dinner." Suyin kissed her cheek. "And then after that…we'll see how it goes."
Kuvira followed Suyin through the halls, and realized they were not going to Suyin's room. They were headed to Kuvira's old ones again.
"I thought you would be more comfortable here," Suyin said after Kuvira asked about it. "I don't have a problem with us in my bedroom, and neither does Baatar. But you seemed uncomfortable last time."
"It just felt…odd," Kuvira said. "I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about…you two."
Suyin looked at her and bit her lip. "You thinking about us is…hot."
Blushing, Kuvira swallowed. "Maybe for you."
"Point taken. No talk of Baatar."
"It kind of kills my mood," Kuvira admitted.
"That's too bad," Suyin purred, finally dragging Kuvira into her old rooms. She kissed Kuvira hard, pressing their bodies against each other. "Because you two would be beautiful together."
"Su!" Kuvira pulled back, looking at Suyin with shock.
"Relax, Kuvira," Suyin said, softening. "It's just something I think about sometimes. I wouldn't ever ask you to do that unless you wanted to."
"You think about it?" Kuvira did not know how to feel about that. She supposed that it shouldn't have been surprising. Suyin had already hinted that her sexual past was…colorful. Perhaps she and Baatar had already done…that with another partner.
Suyin seemed to realize how unsettled Kuvira was. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." She touched Kuvira's cheek. "If I'd just taken two seconds to think, I would have realized how uncomfortable that would make you."
"You want me…and Baatar?" Her voice sounded small, and she hated the insecurity in it.
Suyin sighed, one hand on her hip, the other on the back of her neck. "I mean…" She looked at Kuvira with unmasked longing. "Ideally, yes. I would want that. The two people that I love? Together? Of course I would want that. But I will never ask you to do that if you don't want it."
Kuvira turned around and tried to process this. "Does Baatar know you want that?"
"Kuvira…"
"Of course he does." She swallowed, and ran a hand over her eyes. "Does he want… No…I don't want to know." She turned back around to see Suyin looking at her with concern.
"I ruined it, didn't I?" Suyin asked. "I just say things that pop into my head without thinking of how they will affect you. This weekend was supposed to be about us, and I just…I'm sorry Kuvira."
Kuvira sat heavily on the sofa. "You said there was dinner?"
"Yes." Suyin nodded. "We can have it here. I can have it brought down. I was going to light candles and turn down the lights. There's wine, too. It's already on ice in the kitchen."
"I don't drink," was all Kuvira could think to say. "I thought you knew that."
"That's fine. More wine for me." Suyin gingerly sat next to her. "I'm sorry that I made you so uncomfortable. You haven't had sex at all, and here I am talking about threesomes. It was inappropriate and insensitive. I…forget, sometimes, that you're not as adventurous as I am."
Tentatively, Kuvira asked, "Would it make you happy, if I…with Baatar?"
"Spirits, Kuvira, please never agree to anything just because you think I want it." Suyin cupped her face, brushing her thumbs over Kuvira's cheeks.
Kuvira closed her eyes. "I don't think I'll be able to do this tonight."
With a tiny sigh, Suyin rested her forehead against Kuvira's. "Do you still want dinner?"
"Yes."
"All right." Suyin kissed her forehead, then rose to call down to the kitchen on the phone.
"Won't people figure out what's…going on between us?" Kuvira asked after she hung up, realizing what it would look like for her to spend the weekend here, possibly in the same room, the same bed as Suyin.
"No one under my employment would ever betray my trust by starting or fueling rumors," Suyin said seriously. "I have brought multiple partners into this home, and never once did it get out. You're safe. I promise."
"It's more your family I worry about." Kuvira's own reputation really couldn't get much worse, but she had very tentative relationships with the rest of Suyin' family. Relationships that would be threatened by word of this getting out. "And I worry for you. And Baatar."
"Baatar and I can handle anything." She came over to take Kuvira's hands. "But that's not going to happen. It's going to be fine, I promise."
"So they've all probably figured it out. The staff."
"I couldn't tell you what they have or haven't figured out," Suyin said. "But I can tell you that most of them have grown to care about you. They keep asking when you're coming back. They wouldn't hurt you."
"I'm sorry I keep worrying about this."
"Don't be. It's only natural." Suyin shook her head. "I'm sorry that I keep adding to your anxiety. I'm…I can be very impulsive and rash, and I know those are things that are hard for you to deal with."
"I envy you," Kuvira said softly. "I wish I could just…let go. I try. I do, I really do. And I've been able to move on from a lot of the past, but some things…I just can't."
"You are one of the strongest people I know," Suyin said. "You have such an ability to sacrifice for others. So much more than I do. I envy you for that. You may see your affinity for order as a hindrance, but I don't." She drew Kuvira into a slow kiss, her fingers dancing across the younger woman's skin. "I see it as an important aspect of the woman I love. It's so much of what makes you who you are. And I wouldn't ever want you to change that. I've told you before, Kuvira. This whole thing with sex…it's not…" Suyin shook her head. "It's not why I'm with you. I can tell you're stressed out about this, and I never wanted that. It's supposed to be something fun we can share. It can be beautiful, but it should never ever be hard or painful."
"It's so complicated," Kuvira complained. "I want to. I want it very much. And I know that…that what you said about me and…Baatar shouldn't have affected me this much, but it's hard to think of that. I think…mostly I try to pretend that he's just…your friend, I don't know. To be reminded that you're with him all the time, that you have sex with him…it's just a jolt. And I guess it also made me feel like it wasn't just the two of us. That even when we're alone, even if we were in bed together, he'd still be there. You'd be thinking about him."
"I don't quite know how to explain it," Suyin said slowly. "I love both of you. I'm attracted to both of you. I don't like splitting my time, I really don't. I would want to have both of you with me at all times if I could. I know that's not what you want, though. I can't promise that I wouldn't think about Baatar when I'm with you."
Kuvira flinched, trying to draw away.
"Wait, please. Listen." Suyin still held her hands. "It's because I can't separate my feelings for the two of you. I…Kuvira, I think about you when I'm with Baatar. I think about how much I wish you were there, too. I think about how I want to share that with you. That's why I said I wanted to see you together. It wasn't…I've never felt this way before."
"I don't understand."
"I've always had separate relationships. Of course, they knew about each other and were maybe even friendly with each other, but I never wanted them to be together." Suyin's brows were furrowed as she spoke, and Kuvira thought maybe this was the first time she had ever put these feelings into words. "There were times where, yes, I invited another lover to be with me and Baatar, but never as a…never with the hopes of building the relationship between them. But with you…." She looked down, her teeth worrying her lower lip. "It's different with you. Maybe because of how he feels about you. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I want…spirits, Kuvira, I want what I have with Baatar to be what I have with you, as well. I know that being with Baatar is not something you can envision, but it does play into my…fantasies."
"It just…I know it's not true, but sometimes I feel like…I'm not enough. That you need more than me."
"I need you both." Suyin nuzzled Kuvira's jaw. "I know it's hard to understand, but that's the truth of it. I need you, but I want to do what you need. And if you never want me to mention sex with Baatar-"
"I don't."
"All right. I won't. What can I do to help us move past that?"
"Let's just have dinner," Kuvira said. "See how it goes."
They did not have long to wait. Dinner was brought to them just a few minutes later. Suyin had remembered her preferences and kept things light. She did not offer Kuvira wine, which Kuvira appreciated. It was good to know those boundaries would be respected without question. She did not want to go into her intense need for control, her even more intense fear of losing it. Her worry that if she drank anything, she would lose her already fragile grasp on herself. Those were not things she wanted to discuss, not even with Suyin. Not yet.
Over dinner they were able to move on to different topics. To Kaori and Lin and Korra and politics. Suyin reluctantly admitted that she was looking into creating a Council like Kuvira suggested. She did not seem happy, but she did sound open to progress.
Suyin glanced at the clock as she finished her second glass of wine. "It's getting late. I should go."
"Please stay," Kuvira whispered.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm not ready for…I want you to stay with me. Just sleep, though." She hoped Suyin would understand.
"Anything you want, sweetheart." Suyin stood and held out her hand for Kuvira to take. She let Kuvira lead her to the bedroom. Hesitating for a moment, Kuvira opened her overnight bag.
"I…I have pajamas, but I would rather not use them," she said without looking at Suyin.
"Oh?"
"Yes. I need to shower, though." Kuvira let out a shaky sigh. For a moment, her impulse was to ask Suyin to join her, but she bit it back. "It shouldn't take too long."
"If you don't mind, I'll run back to my bedroom and get a change of clothes for tomorrow," Suyin said. "I should be back before you're finished." Suyin kissed her softly before leaving.
Kuvira twisted her hair into a bun on top of her head. It was bad for it to be slept on wet. Quickly, she cleaned the sweat of the day off her boy. She was about to turn off the water and step out when she looked down at herself and frowned. She had heard that some women….trimmed, and she wondered if she should try it.
She was still contemplating it when she heard the door shut, signaling Suyin's return. Sighing, she turned off the water and grabbed a towel. She had neglected to bring any clothes in the washroom with her, so Suyin would see her like this. Not that it really made a difference. Suyin had already seen her almost naked, and would see her that way again soon enough.
Suyin was in the sitting room still, dressed in pajamas, and Kuvira jerked her head slightly to signal for Suyin to follow her into the bedroom.
"Do you want me to turn around?" Suyin asked.
"What's the point?" Kuvira bit her lip, then eased off her towel. For the first time, she was now completely bare in front of Suyin.
Suyin's mouth parted, and she sucked in a sharp breath, eyes trailing down Kuvira's body. "Fuck."
For some reason, this was exceptionally funny to Kuvira, and she snorted, a hand coming up to cover her mouth. "How incredibly eloquent of you," she said.
Suyin dragged her eyes up to Kuvira's face, glaring. "Excuse me if I find your body so remarkably beautiful that I was lost for words."
"That's much better," Kuvira said, trying to sound smooth. With Suyin's gaze on her, she wanted to cover back up, but she also really enjoyed knowing how she made Suyin feel.
"I mean it, Kuvira. You're so beautiful." Suyin took a few steps forward, close enough that she could reach out and touch Kuvira if she wanted. "I don't know how much you're comfortable with, but I could fill a library with how amazing your tits alone are."
"Well, I can certainly assure you that this is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me," Kuvira grinned, relaxing. This situation had the potential to become awkward, but she was glad that they were joking. It felt more natural this way.
"You're mocking me when I'm trying to give you compliments." Suyin pouted, but Kuvira could tell it was in jest.
Kuvira let down her hair and ran her fingers through it. She noted how Suyin's eyes dropped to her breasts again, and she wondered how they compared to previous lovers. Age was taking its toll. Prison had taken a larger one. Objectively, Kuvira thought they must be pretty decent. Maybe a little on the small side, maybe not as high as they had once been, but still nice. Suyin was looking at them like they were priceless art.
"It's not fair that I'm the only who's naked," Kuvira said.
Suyin's hands went to the hem of her shirt, but she paused. "Just sleep?"
"Yes. Just sleep."
Nodding, Suyin pulled her shirt up and over her head, revealing her bare chest to Kuvira. She then shimmied out of her bottoms and Kuvira saw that she was one of those women who did trim. Suddenly self-conscious of her own grooming habits, she moved the towel back in front of her.
"Kuvira?"
"Sorry, I just…feel like I should have done something…down there."
"You are thirty-seven years old and conquered an entire nation before you were thirty," Suyin said. "I think you can say 'I wish I'd trimmed my pubic hair.'"
Kuvira's cheeks burned, and she tried not to balk at Suyin's frankness. "In thirty-seven years, I've never discussed my…pubic hair with anyone."
"No one?"
"No!"
Suyin did not look like she believed this. "Not ever?"
"No, not ever."
"Not even when you were a teenager? Not even with the other dancers?" The way she said it made it sound like it had been strange that Kuvira had kept her body's changes to herself.
"No. I never talked about it except at check-ups." Kuvira shrugged her shoulders. "I'm just not open about that."
"Huh. I guess that makes sense," Suyin mused. She had her hands on her hips, and seemed to have forgotten she was naked. Kuvira took the opportunity to take a good long look. The thatch of hair between Suyin's legs was darker than the hair on her head, but it, too, was greying, and Suyin had it trimmed close. Her muscles were still defined on her stomach, though not as well as Kuvira's, and she carried more softness and weight around her hips. And there were stretchmarks. Kuvira supposed it was unrealistic to think a woman who had birthed five children wouldn't bear the marks of that. Suyin's legs were long and impossibly strong. They were solid and muscled while still portraying the grace of a dancer.
Kuvira knew her own body had lost that grace. She was rebuilding her muscle, her strength, her power, but the result of years of dance training were gone now. Like it had never happened. She was just an unkept mess next to Suyin.
She shook herself. That kind of thinking was destructive and untrue. She may not have trimmed, but she kept the rest of her body orderly.
"Do you want me to trim it?" Kuvira asked. "You know, for whenever we have sex?"
Suyin shrugged. "It doesn't matter to me. It's your choice. Personally, I just like the way it feels."
"I'll think about it." Kuvira let the towel drop again and stepped to the bed. She pulled back the sheets, which she noted were fresh and clean, and slid under them. Suyin slipped in next to her and turned on her side to face Kuvira.
"How're you feeling?"
"I'm all right." Kuvira resisted the urge to pull the sheets up over her chest. Suyin had seen everything there was to see. It would be counterproductive to cover up now. "You know, I've never slept with anyone. Not like this. Just random bed sharing out of necessity. Not…Not because I cared about them." She could see the question on Suyin's face and hesitated to answer, fearing it would make things awkward. "Not even with Baatar Jr."
Suyin pulled a face and turned on her back. "All right, we need some ground rules because our history is complicated and plagued with awkward subjects. First, if we are naked in bed, you will not mention my son. That is most important."
"Got it."
"Second, I will not mention my husband."
"That's appreciated."
"Thirdly, you tell me the moment you feel uncomfortable." Suyin turned her head to look at Kuvira. "I mean it. I don't want you to do anything that you don't absolutely want to do."
Kuvira scooted closer. "Su, there are things I want to do because I want to please you. Things that I could take or leave, but that I know are important to you. And I want to do them. For you. And that's not a problem."
"Still. I don't want you to feel like you have to."
"I know; I don't." She kissed Suyin, her hand resting on the soft skin of Suyin's neck. "I want to. Just not right this moment." She rested her head on Suyin's collar. "What time do you need to get up? I can set the alarm."
"I'm taking tomorrow off," Suyin said. "I'm spending it with you. All day."
"You were planning on spending all day in bed, weren't you?"
"The possibility had crossed my mind, yes." Suyin dropped a kiss to Kuvira's hair. "But things change. And that's all right. We can spend it outside, or really doing whatever you want."
"We can play it by ear."
"No plan?" She could hear the smile in Suyin's voice.
"No plan. I can be spontaneous."
"You can?"
"Yes. If I have time set aside for it."
Suyin's laugh rumbled in her chest, vibrating against Kuvira's ear. "I love you." Her fingers ran through Kuvira's hair, comforting and soothing, lulling Kuvira to sleep, surrounded by warmth and love. Her last thoughts as she drifted off were of how good it felt to have this when she had been sure she would never be allowed this happiness.
Suyin was at her feet in the barren wasteland that used to be Republic City, bleeding from a wound Kuvira had inflicted. It was bad, very bad, and there were no healers present. Only Suyin's children, watching in horror as Kuvira kicked their mother's dying body. Baatar Sr. fell to his knees, looking up at Kuvira with dark eyes, black eyes with no white.
"She loved you," he said, his voice hollow and echoing. "You killed her, You took her from her family. You worthless gutter trash. We should have never taken you in."
Kuvira backed away, blood dripping from the knife she still held in her hand.
"No…I didn't mean it!" she cried. "I just wanted to help people!"
"You wanted power. You wanted to get Su out of the way so you could take over."
"You were my sister." Opal spoke now, but her face was different. Gaunt, sickly. Dead. "Then you fired that weapon on me. You never cared about me. It was all a lie."
"No, Opal, please…" Kuvira began to panic, the ranks of the Beifongs closing in on her. "I never wanted this to happen!"
Huan took his place before her, and Kuvira knew in her gut that he was dead. That she had killed him. "We trusted you, and you betrayed us. You'll betray us again. Everything you touch dies, Kuvira. Because you're poison. You're toxic."
"Look what you did to me." Baatar Jr. this time. He was covered in burns from the spirit weapon. "You destroyed me, drove me from my family. And now you want to sleep with my mother? You're disgusting. Sick and perverted. I can't believe I ever loved you."
"Please," Kuvira whispered, stumbling and falling to her knees. Suyin's blood soaked into her uniform. "Please, I didn't mean to…"
"Didn't mean to kill us?" Wing said.
"It was an accident when you turned your weapon on us?" Wei's body was grotesquely mutilated, and Kuvira dry heaved, her entire body wracked with the force of it.
"I'm sorry," she croaked, folding over as they all stood over her. "I'm so sorry, please…please I didn't want this."
"Why did you do this?" Her eyes widened as she saw Kaori, blood covering her body. "Why did you hurt me? I wanted to be you."
"You did this," Suyin hissed, her eyes glazed over in death. "You killed us. For power. You don't deserve a second chance. You're the worst kind of scum. A murderer. They should hang you."
"Su…No, this isn't…" Kuvira grasped at her chest, her lungs spasming as she struggled to breath. "This isn't how…how it happened…." Her body shook, and she wanted to die, to escape this crushing guilt and sorrow.
"Kuvira?" Suyin's voice had changed, had lost the dead flatness. "Kuvira! Kuvira, wake up. Come on, baby, wake up."
Kuvira jolted awake, nearly hitting Suyin with her flying limbs. She scrambled from the bed, panic flooding her veins, lodged solidly in her stomach. She tripped over the hanging bedsheets and fell hard on her knees, rolling over onto her rear. The pain could not stop her, though, and she continued to push herself blindly across the floor until her back hit the wall.
"Spirits, Kuvira," Suyin said, eyes wide with fright.
Kuvira's chest heaved as she tried to breathe. Suyin climbed out of bed, rushing to Kuvira's side. She reached out, but Kuvira slapped her hand away, ducking out of her reach.
"Don't touch me!" she snapped. Suyin withdrew her hands, rocking back on her heels.
"Kuvira, it was a dream. Whatever happened, it was a dream. It wasn't real."
"You were dead," Kuvira choked out. "You were all dead. You were all dead." She pressed a hand to her mouth. "I killed you. I-I k-killed you. All of you. Even….oh fuck, even Kaori. There was, spirits, so much blood. I did it. My fault."
"That didn't happen." Suyin almost reached for her again, but snatched her hand back at the last moment. "Look at me. I'm here, I'm all right. Everyone is all right."
"Doesn't matter," Kuvira gasped. She shut her eyes tightly, trying to remember how to do her breathing, but she couldn't fucking remember what number came after three. "Could have done it. Tried to." Her gasping breaths sounded rough and wheezing in her ears, and knew it would only increase her panic. "Don't deserve you."
"Kuvira," Suyin's voice trembled, but she sounded remarkably calm. "You're having a panic attack. Can you look at me?"
Kuvira forced her eyes open. Suyin was still kneeling in front of her, a calm in the middle of Kuvira's storm.
"Okay, good. Good. Now, I need you to breathe with me. Just see how far you can get." She began counting, and Kuvira did her best, she really tried, but she couldn't do it. There were tears on her face that she did not remember crying, and she just shook her head.
"I can't."
"You can. Try again." Suyin started over with her counting, and Kuvira envisioned the Spirit World. The meadow she had been transported to with Korra. Her sanctuary. She thought about how serene it had been, how in those few moments, the problems of the world were so far away. "That's it, Kuvira. You're doing great. Just breathe. Come on, in-two-three-four-five. Now hold-two-three-four-five-six-seven. And let it out." Suyin kept counting while Kuvira's heartrate slowed. They stayed like that, naked on the floor for quite some time as Kuvira came down.
Even though her panic was receding, the nausea and pain from the dream remained. As the adrenaline wore off, her body began to shake and she began to cry in earnest. Loud, shattering sobs that had her shuddering and shaking. She folded her arms over her knees and buried her face in them.
"Kuvira, please, can I touch you?"
She couldn't answer verbally, but she nodded, and Suyin's arms came around her.
"It's all right now. Everything's all right." Suyin kept stroking her hair and her back, easing her through until her sobs turned to weak weeping. Until she lifted her head to sniff, to wipe the tears from her face. Kuvira was hyper aware of how much of a mess she must be, and she shakily pushed herself to her feet.
"Washroom," she mumbled as Suyin rose with her. She shut the door between them, though, turning to the sink to splash cold water on her face. Her eyes were puffy and red, and she looked…haunted. Not exactly an appealing sight.
"Kuvira, can I come in?"
"Just a minute." She leaned forward on the counter, trying to regain some of her dignity before she let Suyin see her. When she thought she had herself under control, she opened the door. "I'm sorry. I…that was the worst one I've had in…a very long time."
"It was because of a nightmare?"
Kuvira nodded. "I…I have nightmares all the time, but this one….this was different. It felt so real, and I…I don't know if it's because you're here and I was dreaming about murdering your family while sleeping in the same bed as you." Suyin flinched at that, and Kuvira looked away, wanting to cry again. "I'm sorry."
"Have you talked to Kya about these dreams?"
"I um…I have some tea she's made that helps. They're not usually like this, though. This one was bad."
Suyin handed her a robe. "I thought maybe you'd be more comfortable with this on."
"Thank you." Kuvira pulled it around herself. "Suyin…"
"Yes?"
"Have you really forgiven me?"
Suyin stepped in and gently took Kuvira's face between her hands. "I have."
"And…You aren't scared that I'll betray you again?"
"I'm not. I trust you."
Kuvira sniffed, her brows contracting as she tried not to cry. "I wish I could trust myself."
"Should I go? I don't want to make this worse."
"No. Please don't leave me."
Suyin hugged her close. "Never. I'll stay as long as you'll have me."
Kuvira rested her head against Suyin's shoulder. "I want to go back to bed."
"Do you want me there? I can sleep on the couch."
"I want you." She pressed her body to Suyin's, needing that closeness. The dream lingered with her, the aching gutted feeling of loss still wrapped around her lungs and heart. "I just need to know that you're here, that you're all right."
Suyin guided Kuvira back to bed, laying her down and positioning herself behind Kuvira. She pressed her chest to Kuvira's back, an arm wrapped around Kuvira's waist, her nose buried in Kuvira's hair.
"You're safe. We're all safe," she whispered. She kept up a constant train of supportive words, her mouth near Kuvira's ear, her hands holding Kuvira tightly. "Just sleep now, love. Everything will be all right."
When Kuvira woke again, after a peaceful second half of the night, Suyin was still pressed against her, breathing evenly, fast asleep. With a small smile, Kuvira turned over to face her, taking in the planes of her face, the way her hair had fallen out of its carefully set style, the way her chest rose and fell. She was so beautiful, so lovely. The dream from the night before had faded, but the longing was still lodged under her sternum.
She realized she was still wearing her robe, and she eased it off, dropping it to the floor. It was still fairly early in the morning, but already much later than Kuvira usually slept. On any other day, she would have gotten up and gone through her exercises. Showered, gotten dressed, had breakfast before sparring. But today…she was content to watch Suyin sleep.
She did not know how long she lay there, just looking at Suyin, but it was some time before Suyin's brows contracted and she blinked her eyes open. A smile spread across her face when she saw Kuvira.
"Good morning," she said, her voice wonderfully raspy. "How did you sleep the rest of the night?"
"I was fine," Kuvira said. "No more nightmares."
"That's good." Suyin rolled onto her back and stretched, her breasts flattening out against her chest. Kuvira impulsively reached out and caressed the one closest to her. "Kuvira?"
"I'm ready," she said quietly, and Suyin propped herself up on her elbows.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Because after last night…"
"Please, Su." She leaned over and kissed Suyin. "Please, I want this."
"I love you," Suyin said, rolling them over so that she as on top. "I love you so much. If at any point you want to stop, please tell me."
Kuvira nodded. "I will. I promise."
Suyin kissed her again, moving from her mouth to her jaw to her neck. She trailed her lips down to Kuvira's chest as her hand rested on Kuvira's hip. Her mouth, her tongue, were hot against Kuvira's skin, and Suyin nipped at her breast.
"Do you want it slow?" she asked, her tongue laving over Kuvira's nipple.
"I…uh…I don't know," Kuvira said, closing her eyes, tilting her head back. "I um…I like it when, spirits, when you're kind of forceful."
"Really?" Suyin lifted her head slightly to look a Kuvira.
"Yes." She reached down to thread her fingers in Suyin's hair. "I like it a lot."
"Maybe we can do that later," Suyin said carefully. "But don't you want gentleness your first time?"
"I just want to feel you," Kuvira said, her hips jerking as Suyin's teeth scraped her other nipple. Suyin's hand moved from her hip to between her legs, hesitating. "Please Su, I want it." At Kuvira's insistence, Suyin's fingers slid over her sex, and Kuvira bit her lip. It felt different than when she touched herself. Better, because she did not know what was coming next. But also, Suyin didn't know yet exactly where to touch her.
Suyin was clearly very skilled, very experienced. Her fingers found Kuvira's clit, circling it softly. It seemed like she wanted to be gentle, wanted to take this slowly and carefully. And Kuvira was fine with that.
"Is this good?" Suyin asked. "Because you're very wet."
"It's good." Kuvira's hips rolled gently with Suyin's hand. The older woman's fingers slid down, one pressing inside Kuvira. Her thumb took their place at Kuvira's clit, and she held herself up with her free arm so that she could look at Kuvira's face.
"Tell me if it hurts," she said, slowly easing her finger deeper into Kuvira.
"It's good, I'm okay." Kuvira thought now that she could understand why Lin and Kya were always all over each other. Perhaps there weren't explosions of fireworks, but this felt so good. "Maybe…more with my clit?"
"If you want, I can use my mouth."
Kuvira froze. This was not something she had really considered before. Not anything she had thought about in her fantasies, not what had happened in any of the dreams she'd had.
"Or not," Suyin said hurriedly. "If that's too much."
"I was just surprised." A soft moan escaped her as Suyin's hand kept moving. "I um…if you want to, you can."
"Do you want me to?"
"Is it…does it feel good?"
Suyin kissed her lower stomach, grinning. "I think so, but it depends on the person. Although, I'm pretty sure most women are very fond of getting eaten out."
"If you want to."
"Tell me you want it," Suyin insisted, a gleam in her eye. "Tell me what you want."
"Su…"
"Come on, Kuvira." She pressed down on Kuvira's clit, earning a moan. "Tell me."
"Please, Su. I want… I want you to…" Kuvira threw an arm over her eyes. "Please lick me."
Suyin kissed her lower, her finger still inside Kuvira. She carefully withdrew it as her mouth reached Kuvira's sex. The sensation of a warm tongue on her was so completely alien to Kuvira, and her hips bucked as Suyin drew it over her.
"Oh, spirits," she panted, her hand fisting in the sheets. Though she had only experienced it a few times, she recognized her nearing orgasm. "Su, I'm close."
"Already?" Suyin's voice was amused, and Kuvira tried to glare down at her, but the sight of the older woman between her legs was almost too much for her.
"It feels so good."
Suyin returned to her task, licking up Kuvira's folds, pushing them apart with her thumbs so that her tongue could reach farther inside. Her nose bumped Kuvira's clit, drawing more moans from the younger woman. Kuvira did her best to hang on for a few more minutes, to keep her orgasm from coming too quickly, but when Suyin's tongue found her clit again, sucking gently, Kuvira lost her control.
"Suyin!" she groaned, her back arching into the older woman's mouth. By herself, her orgasms had never lasted very long. Just a few moments. But as Suyin eased her through it, this one went on for what seemed like ages to Kuvira.
When it was finally over, when her muscles unclenched, Kuvira sagged back against the pillows, looking down in time to see Suyin wiping her mouth and then lick her fingers.
"Fuck," Kuvira breathed.
"Good?"
"Very good."
Suyin grinned and crawled up Kuvira's body, lying down beside her. "You were so beautiful when you came."
"Spirits, Su." Kuvira covered her face with her hands.
Suyin leaned over to kiss her, and Kuvira could taste herself. It was a strange, bitter taste, but she supposed it was something she should get used to if she wanted to do the same for Suyin.
"I won't be as skilled," she said. "I don't know what I'm doing."
"You don't need to do anything," Suyin said. "This is about you."
"Su, I want to." She looked down at Suyin's body. "I want to make you feel like that."
Suyin bit her lip. "It's a little more involved with me," she said.
"I don't…"
Suyin's nose wrinkled, and she sighed. "When you get to be a certain age…your body doesn't exactly do everything it used to. Sometimes now, well…Let's just say that I need more help with…lubrication."
"Oh." Kuvira felt a little embarrassed that she had not already thought of this. Kya had actually mentioned it in her sex talk, but by that point, Kuvira had mostly been tuning her out and waiting for it to be over.
"I just want you to know that sometimes I won't be…it won't look like I'm aroused. I won't be wet like you think I should be." Suyin shifted onto her side, a hand resting on Kuvira's chest. "And sometimes it can be painful. When that happens, please know it's not because of you. It's just part of the joys of being post-menopausal."
"Are you saying you don't want me to…"Kuvira grimaced as she lost the words. "To do you?"
"I do. I do want you to. I just don't want you to be disappointed if anything like that happens." Suyin kissed her. "I'll be right back. I brought some lubricant last night." She hopped out of bed and padded to the bathroom. Kuvira stared at her ass unashamedly as she left and at her breasts when she came back. Suyin knelt on the bed, handing a jar to Kuvira. "Use this on your fingers. It will help."
"You'll let me know if it hurts, won't you?" Kuvira hated the idea that something that felt so good to her could be painful for Suyin.
"I will." Suyin smiled softly and lay down. "I've waited a long time for this. I'll let you know what to do."
Kuvira tentatively touched Suyin's breast, but Suyin's hand covered her.
"Harder," she said, squeezing Kuvira's hand under hers. "I won't break."
Kuvira nodded and continued to massage Suyin's breast. She settled herself between Suyin's legs, gently spreading them, taking in the sight of Suyin's sex. Outside of some very graphic diagrams Kya had insisted on showing her, she had never seen one from this angle. Everything she had heard had suggested that at this point, Suyin should be wet. She wasn't, though, and Kuvira twisted the top off the jar and dipped her fingers in.
With a glance back up at Suyin's face, she drew her fingers down Suyin's folds, marveling at how soft, how hot it was.
"Just so you know, penetration alone will never get me off," Suyin said, and Kuvira realized she had not moved her fingers yet, still taking in the sensations.
"Oh. Sorry." She rubbed her thumb against Suyin's clit, wondering how men had such difficulty finding it. Or so she had heard.
"Ah," Suyin gasped. "Not so hard. It's very sensitive."
Kuvira nodded, trying not to feel admonished. Not even two minutes in and she was already messing up. She eased up on the pressure, tentative now. Her wrist was already starting to get sore from the awkward position of moving her fingers inside Suyin, and it was hard to find a balance between her thrusts and her attention to Suyin's clit.
"Curl your fingers up," Suyin said, and Kuvira swallowed. It was so frustrating to feel so fragile over nothing. She knew Suyin was just trying to communicate what she wanted, that none of it was criticism, but Kuvira still felt like she was failing. "Or, you know, you can just concentrate on my clit for now."
"I'm sorry," she said, her voice coming out weak and cracked.
Suyin immediately looked at her with sharp concern. "Kuvira? What's wrong."
"I'm sorry, I'm not good at this."
Suyin sat up, dislodging Kuvira's fingers from inside her. "Sweetheart, no. You're doing well." She kissed Kuvira, a hand resting on her neck. "You are perfect. It just some time to figure out what your partner wants."
"You knew what I wanted," she mumbled.
"I have about forty years of experience, love. You can't compare that." Suyin laid back down. "Come here, next to me." Kuvira lowered herself down against Suyin's side. Suyin took her hand and guided it between her legs. "Let me show you what I like." She pressed their fingers inside herself, grinding Kuvira's palm against her clit. Kuvira knew she should be watching, figuring out what to do, but she could only look at Suyin's face. At the way her eyes fluttered closed, at the way her brows contracted, the way she bit her lip as her hips canted into their joined hands. She watched the way Suyin's breasts moved along with her body.
Kuvira pressed her lips to Suyin's shoulder.
"My neck," Suyin managed to gasp out. "Kiss my neck. Bite me."
Kuvira leaned over to comply, first nibbling on the skin before gently sinking her teeth into the juncture of neck and shoulder. Suyin let out a strangled groan that sounded like Kuvira's name, her hips rising off the bed as her back arched. Kuvira could feel her tighten around their fingers, and she smiled against Suyin's neck. Maybe she had needed help, but she had managed to make Suyin orgasm.
After a moment, Suyin relaxed against her, turning her head to meet Kuvira's mouth. She removed their hands from between her legs as their lips moved together. She turned on her side, an arm now thrown over Kuvira.
"I love you," she said as they broke apart. She touched Kuvira's face, her eyes soft and full of love. "How are you feeling? Are you all right?"
"I am. I'm…more than all right." Kuvira placed her hand on Suyin's side, close to her breast. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For being patient with me. This was…a very good experience for me."
"I know you're concerned about your inexperience," Suyin said. Then, she grinned. "So I think that a lot of practice is in order."
Kuvira laughed. "You did say you wanted to spend all day in bed."
"I don't think anything would make me happier," Suyin said with a happy sigh.
In that moment, Kuvira could not think of anything that would make her happier, either.