Chapter 7: No Armor
He should be asleep. The last few days had been more exhausting than usual, with reports of more and more Venatori attacks filtering in. And now, in the darkest part of night, he should be upstairs, trying to get some rest.
Instead, Cullen sat before his desk, reading and rereading the reports spread out across it. Gritty eyed from lack of sleep, his back and knees aching, he tossed the last report onto his desk, uncaring about the mess spread across it. The last report from Scout Harding had spoken of Venatori presence close to where the Herald and his companions were working; and that was close to where Talise had headed, intent on sniffing out a lead of some kind.
The companions had thundered back in just at sunset, bleeding and hurt, a forward camp had been attacked and they had struggled to fight back. Talise had been seen in the fighting, but had disappeared afterwards, on the hunt of one of the leaders of the Venatori in the area. It was too dark to see any ravens flying in, and instead he had to wait. Restless he pushed up from the desk, almost falling when his knees wobbled, hissing in pain, he slammed one fist into the desk, "Dammit… Talise where are you?"
She limped up the ramparts. Blood dripped off her shirt sleeve, running down the back of her hand and marking her steps in crimson droplets as she made her to Cullen's quarters. Long strands of dark hair clung to her pale cheeks, the rest hung down her back in a damp, limp mess. Before she was at the door, it opened, and Cullen came striding out into night.
"You! Go up to the rookery and see if we have any reports from Talise. Find Captain Rylen, have him ready a search party, if no one had heard from her we are leaving tonight", He was more comfortable barking orders, and that was what he fell back on, unable to simply pace in his office as the night's candles burned lower and lower.
Talise came to a stop on the ramparts, a bruise darkening one eye and spreading to her cheekbone, mottling her skin in shades of blue and purple, her lower lip was swollen and bleeding from a blow, and her fingers twitched as blood dripped from them and onto the stone of the rampart. She said nothing, merely blinked up at Cullen as he stood in the doorway, barking orders while golden candlelight glowed behind him. Her heart stuttered in her chest as he filled the doorway, squeezing painfully, and she blinked back a sudden rush of tears.
"Andraste preserve me", Cullen breathed the words out, as Rylen and Jim had fled to do his orders, all of them had come to a halt, staring at the wounded, bedraggled Talise. Cullen recovered first, issuing more orders, "Ignore that. Go find me a healer, right now!"
A tiny, tremulous smile lifted the corner of her mouth, and she winced as it pulled on the split in her lip, "Have I ever told you how much I hate mages?"
"Now is the not the time for jokes Talise", he ran down the rampart to her, sweeping her off her feet and cradling her form against him, "How badly are you hurt?"
"Most of the blood isn't mine, it makes a mess when you sever an artery", she heaves a sigh, tugging at the sleeve of her shirt, "This is mine though."
In his concern for Talise his aches and pains were forgotten, but his knees reminded him as he lowered her to the desk, and he bit back a groan, "Give me a moment."
"Are you hurt?", she pressed a hand to her arm, her eyes dark with both pain and concern as she looked at him.
He shook his head, his golden tresses more tousled than usual, and dark circles rimmed his warm honey gaze, despite his words to her, "No, it's nothing. You need to be looked at"
"Andraste's tits!", Valissia gasped as she rushed into Cullen's office, followed by Rylen. She was barely dressed, her bright red hair trailing over her back and down her waist, and tangled from sleep, "What happened?"
"Venatori." Talise groaned, flexing her fingers and hissing in pain.
Valissia dropped the bag she had brought, and started digging through it, speaking without lifting her stormy gaze to Cullen, "Pull her shirt off, and whatever she calls armor."
His fingers trembled only slightly as he reached for the leather vest she wore, unlacing it and sliding it from her shoulders. Beneath it she wore just a simple shirt, and that was caked with dirt and streaked with blood, "Maker's breath.. you've got to start wearing armor Talise."
"It makes too much noise. Ow ow ow.." she groaned as she slid out of the vest, her brows drawing together. When Cullen lifted her one arm and then other to tug her shirt off, she whimpered, her face growing pale with pain. Dark blue and black bruises mottled her sides and back, hinting at the damage beneath her skin.
"Rather have them hear you coming than you end up with broken ribs. Again", Valissia muttered, lifting her head from the back, her eyes widening as she saw Talise's side, "Too late. Dammit Talise. What did you do?"
"I figured out who was leading the Venatori group that was nearby. I thought to pay him a visit", holding her hand over the worst of the bruising, she watched Cullen wrap a bandage around the wound on her arm.
"By yourself?", thankful for something to keep him busy, Cullen concentrated on wrapping the bandage around Talise's arm, where a blade had dug deeply into the muscle. His amber eyes were dark with worry and concern, and once the bandage was on, he leaned both hands on the desk, "What were you thinking?"
"That we couldn't lose the opportunity to capture a Venatori agent. He's being interrogated as we speak". With her good arm Talise motioned towards the keep, where the prisoner she had drug back to Skyhold was already being questioned.
"I hope it was worth it." Valissia laid out a few bottles, several with swirling, glowing mixtures in them, before turning to Cullen, "I can heal her. She'll be weak for several days, and while the bones will heal tonight, they won't be fully set for a day or so."
"She gets light-headed after she heals me. Please don't let her bang her head on the desk or something" Talise winces as she takes too deep of a breath, using her free hand to shove her hair out of her eyes.
"I'll be right here until you're done", Cullen stood next to Talise, leaning against the desk, one hand on her back, and one hand beneath Valissia's elbow, prepared to catch either woman.
"Once a templar, always a templar" Valissia smiled at his touch, closing her eyes for a moment. As the spells started to work, the bruises faded from Talise's skin, her face clearing, and the blood that was seeping from under the bandage on her arm slowly stopped. It took longer than Cullen had thought, and by the time she was done, Valissia was swaying on her feet. He guided her to a chair, easing her back into it and then turned to Talise.
It struck him at different times, that the woman he knew was also the feared Ghost of Ferelden. She sat now on his desk, covered in dried blood, holding a hand to her injured ribs, gently pressing and testing the sore spots. Her bruises were gone, but the dark circles around her brilliant blue gaze were almost black.
"Can you make it upstairs?" he nodded towards the ladder that led to his bedroom, such as it was, keeping one hand on Valissia's arm and one hand on her back, to keep the mage from sliding onto the floor,
Talise blinked at him, frowning in confusion, she had expected to take Valissia down to their shared room and stay with the mage, "Yeah, I can. But Valissia can't make it to her room alone."
"I know. And I will take care of that", gently Cullen pulled his hands from Valissia, tipping her face up in his hands, "Can you sit here for a moment?"
When the mage nodded, Cullen turned, striding to the doors to his quarters and pulling them open, a guard jumped at his appearance, and listened carefully at his orders; Valissia was to be escorted to her rooms, and helped with whatever she needed, fresh clothes were to be brought up for Talise, along with hot water and, "Soap. It's probably going to take all the soap we have in Skyhold to get her clean."
A few minutes later Christopher appeared, sighing as he took in Valissia, so exhausted she could not keep her eyes open, as pale as the white sheets they used in the infirmary. Word had trickled down to him that Talise had shown up, and he knelt in front of Valissia, his green eyes dark, "I knew you'd come up here to heal her. How is she?"
"She'll be fine. Sore for a day or so, but fine." Valissia could not keep the tiredness from her voice, and she answered without opening her eyes. Her skin was more pale than usual, almost ashen as she sat in the chair. Christopher moved to pick her up, the muscles in his arm bulging as he lifted the mage from her chair.
"And you? And where is our erstwhile assassin?" The Herald managed, just barely, to keep from laughing when Valissia told him where Talise was, he snorted when he looked at Cullen and found the Commander blushing to the roots of his blonde hair. Carrying Valissia tucked against his chest, Christopher looked at Cullen, "I'll have whatever it was Talise needs sent up. And while you wait… tell her."
Cullen blanched at Christopher's words, his eyes going wide, "No. Not right now."
"No time like the present Commander." As he spoke the words over his shoulder, Christopher slipped through the doors, walking down the ramparts, keeping Valissia pinned to his chest as he did so.
"Tell me what?" Talise's voice filtered down through from the balcony, and although she was tired, she could not keep the curious note out of her words.
Cullen sighed, raking a hand through his hair and staring at the ladder, taking several deep breaths before walking to it and climbing up. As his head cleared the top of the ladder, he saw Talise, dressed in one of his cast-off shirts, sliding her leggings off her legs and dropped them a pile beside her boots, "My clean shirts are in the chest, I've worn that one."
"I know. I don't like how your clean shirts smell", she grinned at him, scooting on the bed until she leaned against the headboard.
"Talise, be careful, you'll reinjure yourself." A frown married his face at her movements, while he worked to tug off his armor.
She stretched her injured arm, testing it already, her brow knitting together as it throbbed with pain at her movements, "Your concern is endearing. And please stop frowning"
"I always frown." He stood at the side of the bed, frowning even as they spoke of it, opening his mouth to stop her when she tried to move her injured arm, and then closing it with a deeper frown.
"And it's always distracting. And you're not going to distract me from answering your question by brooding and frowning". She moves to the edge of the bed, sitting on the edge in front of where he stands, and looking up at him, her bright eyes intense and focused, "What was Christopher talking about?"
"I quit…." He heaved a sigh, dropping his forehead into his palm, "I quit taking lyrium."
Talise nodded her head in understanding, her gaze not leaving his face, even as his palm covered it, "That explains it then."
"Explains what?" Over his gloved fingers, he lifts an eyebrow at her in question, his gaze meeting finally hers. His knees were aching, and he moved to sit beside her, easing onto the bed, stifling a groan as his joints protested at his motions.
"The oakmoss and elderflowers. Each of them have medicinal uses, for easing pain. Without lyrium, you're hurting." More carefully this time, more of deference to him than any remaining pain, Talise slid over, until she was sitting beside him.
"I should be taking it. I'm not as strong as I was." Cullen keeps his gaze, dark with pain and anguish locked on his hands, unable to look over at her, even as she slides closer. The urge to pull her to him is almost more than he can bear, the muscles in his shoulders twitch with the effort of sitting still.
"It's dangerous Cullen", Talise had no qualms, and she leaned into him, resting her cheek against his shoulder, and curling her one hand around his.
For a moment he remembers the first night with her, when they sat almost like this on the steps in the chapel, only he was the one offering comfort, and his heart twists, clenching at the memory, "I have to give everything to the Inquisition, just like I did the Templars."
"You are. But you're also saving your life. I've seen the lyrium addicts, used up and discarded by the Chantry." Her small fingers squeeze his, and she looks up at him, peeking over the top of his shoulder to look at him in profile.
"Talise… I…." he paused, heaving in a breath as he looked over at her, barely able to meet her eyes, "I won't be able to protect you like I could."
Dark hair, sticky with blood and grime, shifted slightly when she shook her head no at his words, "I don't need protection."
He snorted, gesturing down to his office with one calloused hand, "The state you were in when you got here says different."
Stubbornly she continues to shake her head no at him, unwilling to back down, but trying to let him come to his own decision, "That is my fault. I take stupid risks."
"And I can't protect you from them." Again, his eyes drop from hers, his head bowing and he stares sightlessly at the door.
"No. Do not make this about me. You've put everyone else ahead of your own needs and wants. Do you want to stay off the lyrium?"
He nods, not meeting her eyes, his fingers clenching into fists. As much as she had been unarmored in the fight that left her so wounded, she was pulling his armor off now, leaving him defenseless against the onslaught of his emotions.
"Then do not take it. Even without it Templars are feared warriors. I could not best you in a fair fight. You're a brilliant strategist, and you've raised and trained an impressive army. All without lyrium. If you want to stop, then stop." Her perceptive gaze took in the way his fingers trembled when he curled his hands into fists, and the darkness of his gaze. Slowly, giving him time to move away, she reached for him, resting one of her small hands over the back of his larger ones.
"And if I want to take it again?" he barely breathes the words out, flexing his fingers back and forth into fists, and then relaxing them. The differences in their hands, hers small, his large, scars dominating his knuckles, captured his attention, and he focused on her hand resting atop his.
She sucks in a breath at his words, breathless at how much the idea of him staying on lyrium hurts her, "Cullen… Templars lose their memories on it, eventually."
"We do… wait, how do you know?" He nods at her words, and then looks over at her, frowning in confusion.
She pauses, sighing deeply and fiddling with the sleeve of the shirt she wears, shoving it back up over her hands, "I took a job once, a woman came to me with her life savings, what there was of it, asking me to find her brother. Just find him. It took about 3 months, but I found him up in the Free Marches, begging on the streets for lyrium. He had no memories Cullen, nothing. And he wasn't the first Templar I saw that way."
"What happened to the man?" when she spoke of a retired Templar, Cullen felt the hairs on the back of his neck standing up, he knew his own future could be close to the same, it was one of his deepest fears.
She heaved a breath, and leaned her head against his shoulder, "He had a moment of lucidity, told me about his sister and her family. I was decided to try and bring him to her, and when I got him home, he didn't recognize her. She wrote and told me he died a few days after I left. I sent her money back, and doubled it."
Cullen winced, burying his head in his hands, a shiver running through him, "At least he was with his family at the end."
"There will come a day where you won't recognize your family. Anyone you know. There will come a day when I look in your eyes and I won't see you in them anymore", grimacing in pain when she moved, she slid off the bed, sliding around his leg to sit between his feet, reaching up and cupping one cheek in his hand, "And I would rather face all the Venatori alone, without no armor and no weapons, than watch you fade away from me."
His fingers slid into her hair, stained and matted with blood, uncaring that his hands would be dirty, as he leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers, "I can't tell you that you didn't factor into my decision."
"Cullen please… stop it." She sniffled then, unable to keep the silvery tears from welling in her gaze.
"How are you so impossibly beautiful, covered in dirt and blood and I don't want to know" despite his fears, and the lingering ache in his knees, he ran a finger over her cheek, catching the tear that tracked down her smooth skin.
"I'm not beautiful right now. I'm exhausted. And tired. And I have no idea how I am going to get my hair clean." She picks at the matted lengths of her hair for emphasis, lifting the heavy strands, slick with blood in places.
"I do." Even as he spoke, there was a knock on the door, and a guard entered, followed by servants carrying a small tub, just enough to rinse off in, along with a bag from Talise's room. Leaning over the balcony, he watched them set everything up, before curling his fingers around hers, and tugging her gently from her spot on the floor beside the bed, "You'll have to come downstairs, unfortunately."
It did not take all the soap in Skyhold, but quite a bit of it, to get Talise clean. Cullen tugged the bandage off her injured arm gently, gratified to see it closed, although the wound was still red, and tender to the touch. Following the written directions on the ointment Valissia had left, he rubbed the wound, as well as the few scrapes and smaller cuts Talise had, and then rebandaged her arm, tugging his shirt back over her head and ushering her back up to his bed.
Sometime later, Talise lay with her head in his lap, and he gently worked the tangles out of her now clean hair with a comb, feeling rather inept, and frowning each time he pulled a tangle too hard. But she was relaxed, her eyes closed, long lashes hiding her gaze, and for a moment he thought she was asleep.
"Even if we part, and you shatter my heart, stay off the lyrium", her voice was soft and quiet, whispered words in the faint candlelight as she lifted her lashes, looking up at him.
The comb paused in her hair, and shook slightly, his fingers trembling, "I'm not going to break your heart. I'm rather afraid for mine."
"I will always be in the shadows behind you, no matter what happens. But do not make me watch you fade away." Long lashes lifted to reveal her bright cerulean gaze, liquid with emotion as she looked up at him.
He says nothing, his throat working, but words fail him, and instead his warm whiskey gaze focuses on her hair, combing through it with slow strokes.
"Cullen please. I will probably ask much of you. I'm selfish and self-centered and moody and temperamental", a small frown mars her face as she lifts her still-healing arm, and she lifts the other one instead, cupping his cheek with cool fingers, her fingers tipped with small callouses.
The hand not combing her hair lifts to her fingers, pressing them against his stubble-covered cheek, "You're none of those things."
"I'm well-aware of my short comings. I take risks, I don't always strategize well. I'm afraid of snakes. No, that's a lie. I'm terrified of the damn things." A small smile lifts the bow of her mouth at his denial of her flaws.
Despite the seriousness of the conversation, he chuckles, "I suppose I will have to kill any of them for you."
"Yes you will. Listen to me", she moves her good arm up to the back of his neck, pulling him to her and rising from his lap at the same time, until they are nearly nose to nose, "You can tell me no. You can yell at me about not wearing proper armor and jumping off of high places. You call tell me when I'm being moody. But give me this one thing, please please do not go back on the lyrium."
"I won't." he sighs, pushing himself to his feet, and taking her small hand in his. Gently he tugged her to her feet, and then pushed back in bed. Once she was settled in his bed, her dark hair fanned out on the pillow behind her, he tugged the blankets up over her, "Will you be alright here?"
"I'm fine", she could not mask the yawn, and her eyes were hazy with sleep already, "More work to do?"
"No, I need to clear my head. I'll be just outside, if you need me." He stayed until Talise's breathing had evened out, and then made his way down the ladder and to the ramparts outside. The night air was chilly, and he welcomed the cold, taking a deep breath, his eyes closing as he looked out over the darkened mountains. She had accepted his decision easily, leaving the choice up to him, even as she feared losing him. The very idea that Talise, a woman more talented than many he had met, could fear losing him, made his hands tremble for a reason different than lyrium withdrawl. Words came to him, words he had never dared speak to another; had never believed he would say, squeezing around his heart, making it ache more than his body did.
Stronger now, more confident in his decision, he turned and walked back to his quarters, firmly but quietly shutting the doors behind him. His amber eyes turned towards the ladder up to his bedroom, such as it was, even from where he stood he could see starlight flickering in through the hole in the ceiling, the hole he could never seem to tolerate anyone repairing. Talise was up there, exhausted from battle, her wounds scarcely mended, sleeping in one of his shirts; he drug a gloved hand down his face at the thought of her as he had first seen her. He needed to send her away, needed to tuck her back into her bed in her room, and leave her there.
By the time he climbed the last rung of the ladder, he had resolved to do that. His jaw set, he climbed onto the balcony, and stopped. The candles he had not blown out cast golden light over Talise as she slept, now turned onto her side in her sleep. Her skin was free of the bruises that had decorated it, and in the candlelight, she almost seemed to glow, downy lashes covered her bright gaze, and he was thankful for it. Every time she looked up at him with those eyes, he lost himself, would agree to almost anything, would do almost anything. She seemed to weaken and strengthen him with just one look.
With a deliberate slowness, he tugged his armor off, carefully putting it on a stand. When everything was neatly hung, his sword laying atop a chest, he turned back to the bed, pulling his shirt over his head, and letting it simply fall from his fingers. Careful to keep from jostling the bed, he stretched out on it, unable to keep from rolling to his side and studying Talise. This close he saw the small scar that nicked the top of her ear, and the one on the back of her hand.
"No one has a right to be this beautiful", he whispered the words, letting his calloused fingers roam over her face, gently tracing the high cheekbones, and the finely arched dark eyebrows. Talise's lashes fluttered, and he paused, until she relaxed back into sleep once more, and he continued his slow, gentle perusal of her face, and then her arms. There was muscle there, but she was thin, she didn't have the bulkiness that even some scouts had, his fingers traced her slender ones, feeling the callouses on the pads of her finger tips, the scar on the back of her hand. A shudder wracked him when she wrapped her fingers around his, murmuring in her sleep.
With a sigh, Talise shifted, snuggling close to her side, and rather than warm, he was met with cool, smooth skin. Every time he had touched her, or held her, he had been struck by how cool her skin was, and he sighed as she moved closer to him, pressing her body against his, one arm lifting to loop around his neck. Running his hands down her arms and her back, in a gentle motion, his lashes grew heavy, once, twice, three times he blinked sleep away before he relaxed and was asleep.