Hello everyone! I (still) don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or RWBY and nor do I own the BBC version of Sherlock... (Spot the quote!). The only thing I do have going for me is the realisation that it is DEFINITELY possible to have too much rum. Hope you enjoy :)

Too Much Rum?

Jack Sparrow - I mean, Captain Jack Sparrow - strode down the road with minimal wobbling. This was because he hadn't had any rum for quite some time, a fact which considerably bothered him. Hopefully, he thought, that situation would soon be reversed.

The tall blonde one said the bar was down here... Didn't she?

Sparrow wondered if he'd taken a wrong turn yet. He wondered when he'd take a wrong turn and end up in Iceland. Because that seemed about how lucky he'd been so far with wrong turns.

But by some miracle, Jack squinted at the house number on the side of a tall grey building to find that it matched the one Yang had scrawled on the note in his tanned, slender fingers.

That's it. Hmm.

Under the light of a slowly emerging, fractured moon in an alien afternoon sky, Jack Sparrow strolled through the double doors into the club.

My, my. Bars have changed, he thought.

He was greeted not with the tinny tinkle of a piano or bawdy bar song, but of music he'd never heard before - fast, insistent and VERY loud. Lights flashed around the room. It looked as though a summer storm from the high seas had been packed into a dimly lit room.

As disorientated as usual, he shoved his way through crowds of people moving strangely - so I suppose that's the way they dance around here is it? - and towards the bar. Finally, something he recognised. Jack plopped himself down on a stool and said loudly, "Rum."

Nobody had heard him over the noise. Only two pretty, tall girls, one dressed in red and the other blue, turned to glare at him with haughty faces.

"I'd tell the barman if you want a drink, not the entire club," one pouted.

"Thanks for the update, love. Either of you two lovely ladies like a drink? But you may have to pay for it yourself. I haven't got very much money. But the thought's there, eh?"

The two girls glared harder. "Whatever," they shrugged and stalked away, unimpressed.

"Ah." Jack looked down at the bar bench-top. Then he glanced back up to see a man in a black waistcoat and red tie stroll busily past behind the bar.

"Excuse me, love? Rum, please." Jack had gone too long without rum to care about who he called 'love' any more.

The man stared for a second, then poured him a drink and handed it to him.

"That'll be 5 lien."

Jack fished the funny-looking coins he'd pick-pocketed off Roman out of his swaths of material and handed a few over. The barman gave him a bit of change and Jack nodded politely as he sipped his drink.

Yes. Much better, NOW I can do some thinking. Or not thinking. Not thinking is much better.

"Where are you from?" The barman asked over his red glasses.

"England. More rum, please."

"England...? What part of Remnant is that?" the barman said, handing him another drink.

"Oi, it's none of your business to be asking about my parts," Jack said, mostly to cover up the fact he didn't know the answer.

The man started the shake his head in a 'I-swear-you're-already-off-your-face-drunk' kind of way but froze halfway through, staring intently - and horrifiedly - at the entrance.

There was a huge BANG of double doors slamming and the music ground to a halt. Jack turned to stare as well as the outline of a well-built girl with a mass of yellow hair strolled to a stop and announced with a wicked grin: "Guess who's back!?"

...Yang?

The barman face-palmed.

Then he strode out from behind the bar and towards the entrance. Angrily.

This looks fun.

Jack leapt out of his seat and followed the barman up to Yang, who looked far too comfortable with about twenty guns pointed at her.

I like this one. She'd make a good pirate.

"I TOLD you to stay away from here. No, I haven't seen her. No, I haven't seen anything. No, I don't want my bar destroyed as we have a rematch. Got it?"

"Relax, Junior," Yang smirked. "This time you CAN successfully fulfil my requests. I just want to talk to Sparrow."

Junior gave Yang a quizzical look.

"He's behind you," Yang explained, then pushed her way past to Jack. Junior just shrugged and all the guns were lowered as he went back to his bar.

"Jack"-

"Captain Jack."

-"We need you. Blake says she and Sun saw Sparrow down at the docks earlier - looked like he was plotting something. Now he's just... Gone. It's really weird. He told you some of his plans. We need to you remember everything he said and tell us."

"Mmm," Jack said, continuing to drink his rum. "I don't know how good you think my memory is, love, but I've had two bottles of rum already and I can't remember the name of my own first mate."

Yang rolled her eyes. "Come with me. You know something. You gotta help us."

"All right," Jack conceded, "but on one condition..." He leaned in conspirationally. "I am NOT leaving my rum here."

Yang sighed and pulled him out of the bar, drink in hand. "Hey, you gotta pay for that!" he thought he heard Junior yelling somewhere in the distance.

Jack tottered out onto the street after Yang, trying not to spill his rum.

"So one second he's there, witnessing the unloading of crates of Dust, the next minute he's gone. Disappeared. We needed to keep an eye on him. What did he say to you?"

"He said... He said..." Jack furrowed his brow. Maybe not thinking wasn't as good as he thought. "Sorry, can't remember, love," the Captain shrugged apologetically.

Yang didn't reply, she just guided him up to a strange-looking yellow device.

"Get on the back and hold on tight."

"Uhh..?" Jack stared for a second, not comprehending a thing.

Yang sighed, clipped on her helmet and climbed onto her bike.

"You have a ship. I have a motorbike. Now get on the seat and don't let go or you're dead."

She watched as Jack gingerly climbed on.

"I don't like this metal horse."

Yang clearly didn't care what he thought. She grinned another desperately wicked grin.

"Enjoy the ride!" she exclaimed, and suddenly they were roaring through the streets faster than Jack had ever moved before in his life.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack wailed as they rounded a corner at death-defying speed.

Yang laughed into the sky joyously.

This girl... She should never be put in charge of sailing a ship, Jack thought, worried.

After about ten minutes of this eye-watering, wondrously awesome and honestly just plain terrifying ride, they screamed to a stop near the docks.

Jack stopped digging his fingers into Yang and just about fell off the bike.

"On my lord," he gasped. Then he regained his composure and glared at Yang: "I dropped my rum."

"Hmm."

"You evil person."

"I'll buy you a drink later to make up for it, but between you and me I think you've had quite enough alcohol."

"Not after that, I haven't had enough."

In silence they walked over to a group of figures standing under the broken moon in the near-dusk sky. The long cape alerted Jack to Ruby's presence, the huge bow allowed him to recognise Blake, the ridiculously high ponytail meant that annoying Weiss and there was another guy that appeared to have a tail.

"I got him," Yang said. "Worked out anything?"

"Not really, but we think it's the next stage of his plan, so whatever it is, it's bad for us," Blake said.

"Now tell us everything he told you," Weiss demanded to Sparrow.

"Well..." She was staring at him expectantly.

Maybe it was the wrong choice to get drunk. Too late now.

"He said that... I was a dirty pirate. I think."

"Oh. Very helpful," Weiss snarked.

"And he said he'd had a small operation. On his teeth."

"On his teeth?" Ruby asked. Everyone stared blankly.

"Yes. Something like, 'the blonde incisors'."

"...'Blonde incisors'?" The guy asked confusedly.

"Nope. 'Blinding canines'." Jack nodded to himself.

"...uh... Guys... Is he ok?" the guy with the tail asked.

"You clearly aren't, you have a tail," Sparrow pouted.

"He's drunk," Yang explained tiredly.

"...He was a vampire!" Sparrow exclaimed.

Everybody's eyes got wider and wider.

"...because he was getting his fangs removed, you see?"

"A small operation... With the White Fang!" Blake exclaimed. "That confirms it." She looked at the monkey man sadly. "I know... I thought it was them but I didn't want to believe it."

"Blake, it's okay, this isn't your fault and we're gonna fix this."

Sparrow had no clue what he was on about. But he usually didn't have a clue what anyone was talking about when he was drunk.

"So that's where he's gone. He's gone to get the White Fang," Ruby said worriedly. "What do we do?"

"Correction, little red - he has arrived back from getting the White Fang," a loud, theatrical voice interrupted.

Everyone turned to see Torchwick standing in the dockyard, coat flapping in the wind as he leaned casually on his white cane.

"Careful! The cane's a gun," Jack remembered.

Roman eyed him. "Well well, my old friend, the notorious pirate Jack Sparrow."

"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow."

"Spent that Lien yet?" He asked lazily.

"...Most of it. Though to be honest, love, I can't really remember."

Roman's scowl was back. It looked like he'd put even more eyeliner on, but that might've been a slight drop in light quality.

"See how much good your little friends will do you when you face the White Fang," Roman smirked and gestured to the sky - in the distance, Sparrow could see strange white objects flying through the sky towards them.

"What the hell are those?!" Jack spluttered.

"Airships, with the White Fang in them," Blake muttered darkly.

"AIRships?!" Sparrow exclaimed. "I want one of those!"

"Then you picked the wrong side, Jack," Roman shrugged, strolling towards them.

"You have about four minutes to beg for mercy or run. Or perhaps make light conversation. The choice is yours."

At this point, Jack felt a real conflict of loyalties. He had to now choose between a crook like him, or people who were going to die unless he helped them. And might even die anyway.

"ARGHHHHHH!" Ruby screamed, launching forward with sudden scythe drawn.

"Or that," Roman shrugged. "That works too."

He fired his cane-gun at Ruby and she did a double back-flip to avoid it. Weiss drew her rapier, Blake took out twin black blades and Yang suddenly sprouted yellow gauntlets full of ammo. The monkey dude took out a red staff.

These guys are armed to the teeth with unlikely weapons. I think I like them.

Jack drew his simple sword and watched as the others leapt at Torchwick. There were clashes and flashes and loud noises and billows of smoke which figures darted in and out. How are we supposed to tell friend from enemy in this lot? Sparrow stood there wondering.

The airships were hovering above the docks now, and suddenly it began raining masked people. Two landed near Jack and stared at him, not sure if he was with them or against them. To be honest, Jack wasn't either.

Then he decided that little Ruby had been very brave and that it would be a shame for her to die, so he decided to pick that side.

"Hah!" Jack exclaimed and attacked the first masked figure.

They drew a long cutlass from their belt and riposted. Yes, good, somebody who uses a sword that I can actually fight against, he thought.

The second one launched into attack as well. Oh no.

"Two against one, now that isn't very fair, is it fellas?"

They just snarled angrily and pressed him to evade their every move. Jack stumbled backwards and fell clumsily trying to avoid their blades as explosions raged around the dock. The concrete smashed into his back and he felt a burst of pain. The sky spun.

... Maybe there is such as thing as too much rum?

The first figure levelled her cutlass at Jack's throat. "What did Torchwick say we should do to any resistance?"

"Kill him," came the replying shout as Roman stumbled out from a cloud of smoke.

Hmm, while Ruby is brave and they're good people, I'm not, and Roman gave me money, so maybe I should join his side. And I don't really fancy dying.

"Nope! I'm on your side! Honest!" Jack shouted, gesturing as he tried to get up. It didn't work very well.

"Why should I assume you're on my side?!" Roman questioned, firing three shots at Blake who - wait - was that Blake three times? - dodge and flip.

"Because I just said I was!" Jack stated. "And because you like me." (BANG!) "I know you do. You may be repressing it, but"-(KA-BOOM) -"I know that you truly care for my health and wellbeing."

Sparrow laughed in a genuinely amused and slightly disturbing way.

"Welcome back to the side of the thieves," Roman announced. "Oi, animals, Jack Sparrow's on our side now!"

Jack got up and scrambled for his sword as the masked figures backed away.

"WHAT?!" Weiss screamed as she careened past, literally flying through the air towards a strange glowing circle of glyphs.

"Yes! Sorry girls, I'm SOOOOOOO changeable," Roman crowed as he whacked Ruby away with his cane. "It is a weakness with me. But to be fair to myself, it is my ONLY weakness."

Jack found himself face to face with Yang. She raised her gauntlets.

"Sure you picked the right side?"

She fired at Jack and he leapt as high as he could to avoid the bullets. He dodged right, moved into close range, swung with his sword which Yang parried using her gauntlets and then fell straight on his face.

"...yes... I admit.. There might be such a thing as too much rum," he muttered.

A masked figure swung at Yang from behind, missed her neck as she ducked and severed a lock of her yellow hair. All the battle seemed to fall into slow motion as Yang watched the strands of hair float gently to the ground.

Then it sped up.

"ARGHHHHHHHH!" she screamed and the rest of her hair literally went up in flames as she started madly firing at the masked figure, and when he attempted to stand up to her - poor soul - she punched him straight into next week. Well, the side of a building, but yeah.

Weiss landed before Jack and brandished her rapier dramatically.

"I knew you were a villain!"

"Oh, I just try to survive, my dear," Jack droned, wobbling as he tried to beat Weiss's blade. She tried to take his in a circular parry - ah, trained by a sword-master, are we love? - Sparrow withdrew clumsily as he realised Weiss's training far surpassed his own in terms of technique.

Weiss flounced through the air, skirt billowing (how is she even doing that?!) and landed behind him, sword at his throat. "We're taking you in, Sparrow."

"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. And as it happens, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow feels sorry for your plight and will now join your side instead. I'm terribly sorry about the confusion," he said, his fingers fluttering as if to grab the air. It might help him to keep standing. "Clash of loyalties, you know?"

Weiss gave a high and irritated "huh!".

"Well... If that doesn't work... Parley?" he asked hopefully. Weiss gave him a scathing glare.

"I've wasted enough time on you!" she whined and disappeared into battle.

Ruby, who had seen this last exchange, shouted, "WHAT SIDE IS JACK ON?!"

"AT THE MOMENT?" Weiss screamed back.

Then a girl with strikingly green eyes jumped - yes - jumped off a building, at least a dozen swords spinning in a circle around her. There seemed to be some kind of gaping hole in her back. They zoomed into an airship flying above, causing it to falter and scream into the bay.

Even fighting Davy Jones wasn't quite as weird as this, Jack thought.

"Ruby!" Penny shrieked, "stay away from"-

Through the clearing smoke, Roman had aimed his cane at a cable that held a huge shipping crate aloft and fired. It collapsed towards Ruby and Blake, who desperately threw themselves out of the way.

Roman turned to see Jack running around madly in circles with hands flailing in no real direction. Mainly just trying not to fall over.

"That pretty much sums up your loyalties, your strategy and your sense of direction," Roman quipped. He strolled through the smoke towards Jack with a fabulous hair flick and said, "Catch you later, Captain. I won't ask for my money back. You might be on the side of the good guys now, but you sure act like a crook." He tipped his bowler with a emerald-eyed wink.

"But for now, I'm outta here, 'cos these kids just keep getting weirder."

Jack mockingly swept off his hat and raised his hand in farewell.

As is by magic, an airship descended from the debris-littered sky - smoke and flakes of burnt-up airship and strange glows and bursts of colour interrupting the sky's evening face - and Roman strolled up the gangway as if walking down a red carpet before it ascended into the sky. Seeing their boss had gone, the masked figures ran to the few airships that were parked in the docks and began manoeuvring them, all the while under fire from Ruby and her friends.

The seven combatants watched the airships soar into the sunset.

"Drats," the monkey man said. "He got away."

"Where's Penny?" Ruby asked. And sure enough, the green-eyed one with the swords had gone.

"Better report this to the police," Blake stated.

"Better take this traitor into jail," Weiss pouted, glaring at Sparrow.

"Ay, easy, love," Sparrow mumbled. "I joined the side of the righteous in the end."

"Well, he was plenty of help to us," Yang said. "Mostly because he was very good at distracting Roman."

"There we go, love, I am useful, aren't I?" the Captain said proudly. Weiss rolled her eyes.

"But I do believe I've worn out my welcome here. It is now, my dears, that I tragically announce that I must go. I have other strange tides to explore. And more rum to drink."

"I thought you'd decided it was possible to have too much rum," Yang said wearily.

"Impossible, my dear," Jack said, taking her arm. "I will get me a small dingy to return when up is down and down is up, and once we have ordered me a small boat... You still owe me a drink."

"Fine."

"Bye, Captain Jack!" Ruby called. "Thanks for the help!"

"Yeah... Help," Weiss said sarcastically.

"Bye," Blake shrugged.

"I will always remember the time you worked out that Roman needed a tooth operation," the monkey man grinned.

Yang began to lead him towards her motorbike when Jack paused.

"Now I've sailed the seven years for many a year, my dear," he began, "and nothing has made we quite as seasick as that tiny land machine. You know what?

We'll walk."

The end!

Spoiler alert: this probably isn't the end. If you enjoyed this, please review and tell me so! :)