Theodosia
I couldn't get any sleep. When the first rays of sunlight crept into my window, my heart's pace was such I feared it would jump out of my chest. It wasn't long until I began to feel chest pains and until the air I tried to inhale was insufficient. I knew it was happening, and I couldn't dismiss the anxiety that fact produced in me.
I sat next to my window, watching the sunrise. In my mind, I kept going over how it all must have been unfolding.
I imagined Philip rowing across the Hudson. I imagined him arriving at their arranged spot. The formalities: the second's last negotiations, the doctor ensuring deniability by turning around, the paces. I imagined everything until I couldn't imagine anymore. From that point onward, I had no idea what had occurred.
By the time the sun was fully up, I knew it had all ended. Whatever had happened, had taken place already.
Once more, all I had to do was wait.
Sitting next to the window, the sky in all its celeste glory, I couldn't help but think what a lovely day it was. The only clouds that were in the sky were snow white, almost transparent, and they floated lightly and effortlessly.
In an effort to distract myself, I engaged in the task of trying to find shapes in them. I did it in his honor. It was the only thing that made sense to do.
Philip
The pain was unbearable. It had spread all throughout my body.
I was slipping in and out of consciousness. I couldn't stand up. I felt too weak.
I was laying down. I was back in the boat. Those things I knew.
I also knew we were moving, because the clouds in the sky above me were passing by quickly, arriving and leaving.
I thought of Theodosia.
If she were here with me, she would tell me not to think about the pain. She would tell to maintain my focus in the outlines of the sky.
That's why, through the sharpness of my agony, I tried to find shapes in the clouds.