The Biggest Fireplace In All Of Nevada
Summary: It is Alexandra's second Christmas with her father, Adam Cartwright. Feeling excited and anxious about Christmas. Alexandra finds a way to help Santa deliver some special friends their Christmas wishes. This story takes place after Red Chair Blue Chair and before and after some of the events in I Swallowed The Green Dress.
Chapter 4
A long winded Epilogue
Alexandra stood in the corner of the big room, right next to The Biggest Fireplace In All Of Nevada. Her father had sent her there that morning. It was the day after Christmas, and even though Alex was thankful that she had avoided the corner on Christmas Day, she still believed that the extenuating circumstances of her mishap made her detention unfair. Adam explained the night before that he had a pretty good idea how the events late yesterday afternoon had unfolded, but he would save the explanations and any consequences for her involvement until the morning.
"Dang it again," grumbled Alexandra, as she pushed a branch of the huge pine tree out of her way. She was stuck between the corner of the fireplace and the huge Christmas tree. It was still abundantly decorated with Christmas baubles and ornaments, though the tree op angel, hung precariously at an angle. Alexandra looked up wondering if it was a symbol of her demise.
"Hope that angel don't fall down." She thought out loud. Then quickly looked around in case someone had heard her. They didn't, but just in case Alexandra mused silently about the rest of her dilemma while she stood there.
If that angel falls, we both woulda have fallen from grace. Ceptin, Dad did say that it was real good of me doing what I done; having Christmas here. Dad, said ma Christmas project had been an outstanding success. Everybody else thought so, too… well maybe not everyone, like Mrs. Sticky Nose Big Bum Wilburn. Now, because of that I'm in trouble. Dad, said he didn't want ta punish me on Christmas day; actually it was cause it was too late by the time everybody done cleaned up and everybody got home and not enough time for me to explain that kids shouldn't be punished on Christmas day, especially without a fair trial.
Dad, jist put up his hand, "We'll talk about this later, Alexandra." Then he sent me to bed. Corse, he came up and gave me a big kiss and a hug. I told him it was the best second Christmas I had with him on the Ponderosa, and I was so happy to have such a big family; my family here and my family in Elk. And, how Josh and the other kids were real happy about all our families spending the day together. Dad agreed. He said it was the best, even though he was real tired, and a bit disappointed in the disaster that happened with Mrs. Wilburn… Dad doesn't call Mrs. Wilburn, Mrs. Sticky Nose Big Bum Wilburn; that jist what I call her to myself, ceptin, sometimes I think out loud and when that happens I get a swat fer bein' disrespectful. Still, Dad said it was a real good Christmas and one of the best he ever had had.
The best part of the day started when we all got back from services, not that church wasn't good, especially when Miss Evelyn practically ran into Uncle Hoss arms, asking about Harrison. Uncle Hoss got all red in the face, but was smiling that big smile of his at the same time. He told Miss Evelyn how Harrison went looking for Santa and how he found him, sort of. But, more special was that it looked like Harrison was gonna get the best Christmas present of all, cause the Reeds want ta make him their little boy. Josh was real happy too. He told me that it was the best Christmas that he could remember, even though he hadn't opened any of his other Christmas presents yet. Harrison and the Reeds stayed home at the Ponderosa with Hop Sing and Doctor Martin when we all went ta church. They didn't leave till this morning; after breakfast this morning, afore I was put in this corner. Doctor Martin stayed all day yesterday and this morning, jist so he could make sure Harrison wasn't gonna get real sick bein out in the snow storm. But, he was all good, and really happy about his Christmas presents, too. Mr. Reed loaded up their wagon and Josh and Harrison got inta the back, covered in all these blankets and their presents and a big basket of food, and remedies for the family, over the winter. I think Josh might jist start believing in father Christmas again. Josh and me are best friends again, well still, really. It was jist a little hiccup in our relationship, as Uncle Little Joe would say. Dad says Uncle Little Joe has lots of hiccups in his relationships.
Anyway Miss Evelyn was so happy for Harrison and Josh and the Reeds, she started crying. Uncle Hoss assured her that the kid was real good. Then Miss Evelyn then cried even more and hugged Uncle Hoss again. Uncle Hoss jist got redder and redder. I don't know what was funny, but Dad started chuckling. Dad doesn't chuckle real loud, though. He starts to chuckle, like; hmmms hmmms hmmms, like his laughing and coughing at the same time. Then, he puts his hand over his mouth so he don't end up laughing too loud. Sometimes iffin you laugh too loud a little bit of you know what comes out. So I reckon that's why my Dad don't laugh real loud, jist chuckle inta his hands, cause dad would be mortifried iffin a little bit of you know what came out. Uncle Little Joe was giggling too until grandpa jabbed him the ribs, and he went "OOFF" Miss Evelyn stopped crying and then told Uncle Hoss he was the best Santa in the whole world. Uncle Hoss didn't laugh though; When Uncle Hoss laughs he has this real big belly laugh and his whole body shakes, and his shoulders go up and down. He has strong shoulders and a strong bladder too I reckon. Uncle Hoss jist went all funny and shy and said, "Aww Shucks, Miss Evelyn."
Uncle Sheriff Roy Coffee came up to us, then. He said he thought we were clever sending up them rockets. That he was certain it was a good sign; that everything was alright. I agreed, "Jist like that first Christmas must made everyone feel like the world was gonna be alright, now that theys had them a true Saviour," I told him. "Josh and I got ta light them and one-day they might make bigger dragon rockets, so that a body could ride it ta the moon. I wouldn't mind riding ta the moon one day, Uncle Roy."
"That would surprise me none, Alexandra. It would be a sure fine thing ta see, but I reckon a lot of people around here would miss you something awful. Though, iffin it was jist for a quick visit, I suspect they's enjoy the rest while you was away." he said. That was nice of him ta say. I think? Maybe I won't go to the moon; getting there mightn't be a problem, but I reckon getting back might be tricky.
All the kids were excited after services. Most of the other families were going home afore they came out to the snow picnic, but a lot of others were coming out with the children from the orphanage to see them open their presents. Uncle Hoss drove the sleigh in, so the kids and Miss Evelyn got to ride out altogether. Uncle Hoss put a big blanket over Miss Evelyn and another one over all the kids in the back. The snow was still nice and thick in the paddocks, but the roads weren't too deep, still the sleigh was good fun. Dad let me ride in it too. I got ride in the front in between Miss Evelyn and Uncle Hoss, but Uncle Hoss looked at me funny, so I swapped places with Emma; I figured I get to ride up the front all the time and someone else should have a go. Uncle Hoss was gonna' be takin them home later, so another boy could have a go then. Dad was supposed to drive them home, but Uncle Hoss wanted to. I guess Uncle Hoss wanted to make Miss Evelyn think she was right; he takes his Santa job seriously and likes to compete a job started.
When got home, the Ponderosa yard looked just like I imagined the north Pole would look. All the trees had a bit of snow on them as was decorated with all kinds of red ribbons and stuff. There were places for people ta sit and bon fires at different places around the yard. The snow was still powdery and not to watery, but the sun was out, so by the afternoon a lot of it had melted away. All the kids were real excited and Uncle Hoss lead them inta the big room. Their eyes nearly bugged outta their heads when they seen all the presents and the Christmas tree. Dad and Uncle Hoss and Uncle Joe had moved all the furniture out so there was plenty of room for the kids to sit on the big rug in front of the fireplace. Theys was real good too; Miss Evelyn told them they had to show their best manners and they did. The grownups stood around the big dining room table and Hop Sing, Josh's mom and Doctor Martin handed out trays of cakes and hot drinks for them while they watched the orphans open their presents.
Emma; she was the oldest, got her present first. She was so surprised; the skates was jist what she wanted. She said she couldn't wait to use them. Miss Evelyn said she needed to wait though, cause it was her job to hand out the next present. Uncle Hoss looked at her sad face and said iffin the kids were real good, he take them out back to the small pond and maybe, iffin the ice was still thick enough Emma could try them out then.
All the kids started shouting me, me; putting up their hands and all, so Emma would pick their present out. So, Emma smiled and picked Jennifer's stocking next. Jennifer was even more excited than Emma; she loves to read and she got two big books of fairy tales. She promised everybody that she would read them a story before bed tonight. Jennifer then pointed at the toboggan; it didn't fit in a stocking of course, but it had the little boys name on it who it was going to. Jennifer was funny, she pretended that it was hard to read the name, but everybody knows she's a real good reader. Poor David was nearly wetting his pants. It had been his Christmas wish, but he wasn't sure iffin Santa was gonna be able ta bring it to him or if Santa mighta thought he was still too young.
"Now what's that first letter. Is it a B…" asked Jennifer. David's Face dropped and all the kids chuckled… Jennifer couldn't play the trick any more though. "No it's a D; the toboggan is for David."
David jumped up a cheered; you'd think he'd struck gold. All the children 'awed and ahhed." Uncle Hoss said he'd help David with it out on the hill later. And, that maybe, he'd let all the kids have a go. Boy Uncle Hoss was gonna be sure busy this afternoon. I hope I get to share some of my presents with him too.
David then handed Katie a Dolls pram. Timmy got a wagon, Jonny a pull along wagon and Albert got a trainset; He loves trainsets. Dad helped him set it up out on the picnic table after lunch. All the kids watched it go around and around. Dad explained it ran on magnets, and tried to explain the notion of inertia or something like that. Albert was interested, but the other kids weren't so much, until Hop Sing arrived. Hop sing loved playing with the levers and whistle. He put little candies in the cabooses and each time the train stopped he'd go " Whoo HHooo" and one of the kids got a candy.
Alice got a dolls house with some very little dolls and a kitchen stove. She called them fairy's and said they liked to cook magic candy light as a feather. Uncle Hoss laughed, saying they could call it fairy floss.
Isaac Got a lovely little rocking horse. Isaac was seven, but small for his age. As soon as he got that rocking horse, he jumped on it and rode like the wind. Uncle Joe thought he had good style, and said one day the kid might be as good as him. And, in about seven years, he'd sure like to put him on a fast horse in the Founders Day Picnic Horse Race; "the kids a natural."
After that there was only two stockings left. Harrison's and Patrick's. Isaac picked up Patrick's stocking, but there was nothing in it sides an orange. Uncle Hoss got all flabbergasted. Patrick had asked for a puppy, but maybe Santa couldn't have bought a puppy. But, then I remembered that Harrison came from the woods with a puppy. Maybe, that was supposed ta be Patrick's puppy. After all, we didn't have no puppy at our place. Cept, that Puppy had sneaked into Harrisons room; with a little help from Josh, I suspect. Things is though; it seems like the puppy had already chosen its master. So, not only did the Reeds get a little boy for Christmas and Harrison a family, theys also got a puppy. Uncle Hoss said iffin it weren't for the puppy, Harrison mighta got real lost and that Uncle Hoss heard the puppy, and that's how they found Harrison. The Reeds didn't want ta part with that puppy none when theys heard that.
Uncle Hoss started to explain to Patrick how the puppy had been delivered, and how the puppy sorta chose. Uncle Hoss said; he was shure there would be a puppy waiting for Patrick real soon, maybe the puppy that Santa had all picked out for him weren't old enough to leave its momma yet. Patrick was real good about it, but I could tell he was a little disappointed. All the other kids, said they would share all their presents with Patrick anyway, well at least until his puppy came. Patrick smiled and thanked everyone. I don't know who felt worsa about it Patrick or Uncle Hoss; he likes animals a real lot and little kids even more. But, then before we could go onto Harrison stocking, Mrs. Reed came out carrying Harrison, and so did Harrisons whole entire new family including Harrison's puppy… but there was two Puppies. Uncle Hoss crossed his eyes at that one. Two puppies that looked almost the same. One was jumpin' on Harrison and the other ran straight up to Patrick. Then they was jumpin' on each other and then went backwards and forwards between Harrison and Patrick. I saw Uncle Hoss ask Mr. Reed something and Mr. Reed shake his head. Then he asked Josh something and then Josh shook his head. It sure was a conundrumine as to how two puppies ended up there that Christmas morning. I course had ta remind everybody that Santa was a very smart man and could jist about anything provided he had the tools ta work with, like at least a big fireplace he could bring presents down. Patrick jumped up a said, "Three cheers for Santa," and everybody laughed, even Uncle Hoss, while he was still scratching his head about it. Finally, Josh handed Harrison his stocking. Harrison, said "More? Gee; more for me?"
Now I know, Josh had hung up his stocking that he made for Harrison at school, and then I put the big long stripped sock that his momma gave me inside it, cause I was afraid Harrison was not going to get what he wanted. But, there was another package in there too. Mrs. Reed smiled, and looked at my Daddy. My daddy winked at her; right there in front of Mr. Reed too. It was obvious they had a secret. Harrison Pulled out the stocking first.
Josh was about to explain how it was his old sock that his momma had bought him a long time ago in Placerville. It was a sock jist like the jugglers used ta wear that worked in out theatre. Mrs. Reed bought it for Josh, because he liked to pretend he could juggle. And so, when Mrs. Reed saw it in a in a shop window with juggling balls and other magic stuff like magic oprie hats that ya can pull rabbits outta, she bought it for him. But, Josh didn't take to juggling all that good; evidently he tried it with a couple of eggs and scared their chooks. So Josh gave up his juggling career and never wore the socks agin; sides they were very bright too, and Josh though they looked sissy.
But, Josh didn't even get to explain all that, because Harrison got so excited about that sock; he didn't even have a pair; jist the one. He yelled "Hey it's my mommas sock and it's all new now."
Josh tried to explain again, but his ma shushed him. "Yes, darling. I think Santa and your momma were trying to let you know that while you'll never forget your first momma, you now have a new one."
Harrison smiled and hugged Mrs. Reed real tight. Miss Evelyn, explained to the other children that Harrison was going to be adopted by the Reeds. All the children dropped the presents and ran and hugged the family together. Grandpa cried and so did Miss Evelyn again, and turned to Hoss with a smile. Uncle Hop Sing; who I call uncle smiley face, was happy too, but crying jist the same; he had to run into the kitchen with his apron covering his face. Later Dad said it was an amazing co-incident that Josh's juggling socks were the same as Harrisons Ma's socks. Nobody knew who Harrison's Ma was except Miss Evelyn, but I wouldna been surprised iffin his ma was a juggler or maybe his pa, afore he was orphaned.
Josh then pulled out the other present. It was all wrapped up in brown paper like the parcel Dad had when I visited Mrs. Reed that Day. Hmm maybe that's what dad was winking about; him and Mrs. Reed did have a secret after all. Josh didn't know what was in there so he was jist as curious. It was a big package, so Josh helped Harrison untie the string. There were two woolly Jumpers packed on top of each other; one big and one small.
"One's for Josh and One's for Harrison," said Mrs. Reed with a huge grin on her face, even though she was chewin' on her lip. I guess even though she might like the present, she weren't so sure Josh would. I think Harrison would have loved anything.
Anyway, Josh did love it and put on and wore it all afternoon outside. Harrison wore his too, but he wasn't allowed to go outside yet. I wouldna though Josh woulda been a bit embarrassed to wear it in front of the other kids and all; oh it was a real nice pullover an all, but it had writing knitted in it. 'the biggest best brother." Harrisons jumper had, "little brother" written on it. Both of them seemed as proud as punch ta be wearin' it. I heard Mrs. Read tell Pastor Dave that; she had knitted the jumpers for Christmas years ago, and was so glad it still fitted Josh even though it might not be for much longer. She knitted them just before Josh's little brother Benji died. So all this time that's why Josh was sad about Harrisons mom dying and that he missed his little brother. He never talked about his little brother.
Mrs. Reed knitted them for Christmas that year, but never put them under the Christmas tree, because Benji wasn't there. She'd given the parcel to Dad to put in the Christmas stocking jist in case Santa couldn't come through on Harrison wish, even though she didn't know what Harrison really wanted. And, she would never had thought that what Harrison wanted was a mother, and that she was going to be that mother. All she was thinking at the time was that Josh was upset about the little boy and perhaps this was a way she could get him to be a big brother or buddy to the little boy.
Pastor Dave listened; he always does, and very rarely says anything until the end. Well at the end all he could was look up at the little angel on the top of the tree, and said, "He will always find a way."
Well, I got a lot of good presents too. I especially like my red cowboy boots that Santa bought me. I'm still wearin them. I tried to wear them to bed last night, but they's was wet, after playing in the snow all day, so Dad left them by the fire to dry overnight. When Dad put me in the corner this morning, I asked iffin they were dry and could I put them on; theys might bring me luck; after all Santa bought them for me, so he must have known what a good child I had been. But, that was before, Mrs. Sticky Nose Big Bum Wilburn done got hurt – well more embarrassed. So, here I am standing at the corner of The Biggest Fireplace In All Of Nevada, next to the Christmas tree with a an angel on top, who looks like she's had too much spicy egg nog, in my red cowboy boots, waiting for deliverance. I jist hope it's not delivered by hand.
~oOo~
Alexandra sighed heavily, kicking the corner of the bluestone fireplace with the tip on her red cowboy boots.
"So have you been thinking about why you are there, Alexandra," said Adam, as he came in from the kitchen- a cup of coffee in his hand.
Alexandra jumped a little, before turning to watch her father move over to the blue chair. "Don't sit there," she yelled.
Adam nearly dropped his saucer, as he quickly straightened up from his near sitting position. He looked around at the chair, "Why?" he asked while checking his favourite piece of furniture for any defects or life threatening attachments.
Alexandra looked stunned for a second; she could hardly say that she didn't like it when her father sat in the blue chair while they had one of their discussions; as often that discussion lead to her sporting a sore backside. It was an unlucky chair as far as she was concerned. "Ah… cause I think you should sit in the red chair, its big enough for the both of us."
"I'm sitting your standing in front of me," scorned Adam.
"Oh, well. Still I think I saw a spider on the blue chair. It musta have fallen out of the tree," explained Alexandra pointing to the Christmas tree behind the chair and next to her. "See, the little angel got a fright too," she tried joking and added a smile.
Adam harumpft, before sitting on the coffee table. "Well then, I'll sit here, and finish my coffee, while you tell me what you've been thinking about while standing in the corner."
Alexandra moved a little more forward and stood at her fathers folded knees. "I done thought about lots of things Dad… Like how all the kids from the orphanage got all their wishes; how Santa delivered everything on time, and even got all the big stuff down the chimney; how everyone was surprised he done bought two puppies, even. I was thinking about how Josh now has a little brother; he said when I stop believing in Father Charismas that I should come ta him, because he knows the true secret of Christmas now. I was thinkin' how everybody had a great time at the snow picnic, and I hope we can have one next year, ceptin Pastor Dave reckons the kids at the orphanage will have their own really big fireplace by next Christmas, so they will probably have their picnic at their place too and maybe they will invite us; but they won't probably have as much snow as us, so they won't be able to use any new toboggans as good as we can here. But, everybody got a good go today, cause Uncle Hoss made everybody take turns. Even Miss Evelyn had a turn, but she steered very well and fell off half way down. All the kids laughed. She laughed, so they figured theys weren't being mean by laughing. Uncle Hoss got worried, and ran down the hill to help Miss Evelyn ceptin, he slipped and ran inta the toboggan jist as Miss Evelyn was getting back on, which sent the toboggan flying down the hill faster. Luckily, Miss Evelyn leaned over when she got to the bottom, cause I reckon she would have had trouble stopping it any other way. It was my turn then, but Uncle Hoss wanted ta show Miss Evelyn how ta steer and stop properly, so she gave her another go. I was none too happy about it, cause it was getting late and I was worried that I wouldn't get a go before dark or the snow melted. But, Uncle Hoss said it was important for Miss Evelyn ta know how ta use the toboggan because she would be the grown - up supervising the children. So…" Alexandra took a big breath, before continuing. She heard the giggles coming from the corner of the kitchen archway, and got a quick glimpse of her Uncle Hoss and Little Joe, and Hop Sing spying from the corner, eating what looked like to be left over from yesterday's roast dinner. She frowned. "Can we do this upstairs dad," she asked.
Adam turned his head to where Alexandra had been looking. He scowled at his hidden audience. Adam have given the trio strict instructions to stay out of the big room while he spoke to Alexandra. But, as usual, they were too inquisitive and found Alexandra's long winded explanations a source of entertainment. Though, Adam was sure that they found his frustration, and bamboozlement more entertaining than anything else; especially Little joe. Adam hoped one-day that Joe would have a family of his very own, with at least ten kids running around just like little Joe was as a boy or like Alexandra; now that would be payback. "No, Alexandra. Grandpa is asleep upstairs and we can't go up to your room because Doctor Paul is taking a nap in there."
"What about your room, then dad? "
"We could, if there were curtains still there. But, only having one, means it's too cold."
"It weren't too cold last night, dad. You and me was real warm."
"Were."
"Yeah we were, we could get inta bed with all them extra blankets and talk about all this there," suggested Alexandra.
"No we are going to talk about this here; NOW! he shouted towards his onlookers, "without any interruptions from the peanut gallery," he added.
The peanut gallery sunk back behind the archway and could no longer be seen, however Adam was positive they were still there. "Okay, so we have established that everybody had a great day, including your Uncle Hoss," said Adam. "Uncle Hoss was busy with Miss Evelyn. Is that when you and Willy decided to steal Hop Sings fireworks?" He asked.
"Uncle Hoss was trying to help Miss Evelyn, but when he got onto the back of the sleigh the sleigh jist sunk inta the snow; I knew that was gonna happen, cause the snow was getting all melty. So, Uncle Hoss let Josh, go instead. Josh got in front of Miss Evelyn, so she could watch over his shoulder. And the sleigh went real good this time. And everyone was laughing and I still didn't get a go. Uncle Hoss forgot about me after that."
"So you were a little jealous and you and Willy went off on your own?" surmised Adam.
"Maybee, a little… I guess. I think Uncle Hoss really likes Miss Evelyn. Do you think he likes her better than me?"
Adam heard a muffled 'Aww' come from the peanut Gallery. "If your Uncle Hoss likes Miss Evelyn, it won't stop Uncle Hoss liking you any less. We can like and love lots of different people in this world. In fact, the more the better. You were the one that wanted a very special Christmas for all those children. Uncle Hoss was just making sure that all your good Christmas wishes come true for them."
"He did a real good job didn't he, Dad," nodded Alexandra.
"He did. Now stop avoiding my question, Alexandra. Is that when you and Willy took Hop Sings fireworks?"
"You said; steal the first time, Dad. We didn't steal them, Dad. Honest. Willy found them. And, I told him ta leave them alone, cause Uncle Hop Sing needs them for Chinese New Year and that ya have ta know how to light them properly and say oaffs to the dragon; and only Hop Sing, me and Josh know how ta do that. So, I pushed the box back behind the wood pile next ta the door."
"Why didn't you tell Hop Sing?"
"I tried to dad, but he was real busy in his kitchen, so I thought I would tell him later when all the kitchen was cleaned and he had another good place to hide them."
"Well if you hid them, how did you and Willy ended up with fireworks?" Adam was pretty sure of the answer and even though he was also sure Alexandra had tried to keep out of trouble, somehow she got mixed up in it.
"Well Dad, Willy's real sneaky. He done put his one in his pocket."
"Just one?"
"Yeah, Dad, jist one. How could one little firecracker do some much damage, dad?"
Adam tapped his bottom lip in thinking. "Somehow, I don't think it was that Little. I saw 6oz and 8oz cannons in that box; penny bangers. There were only two rockets and we used them Christmas Eve."
"It was one of the small ones, Dad, honest. I tried ta stop Willy playing with it. But, he didn't take any notice of me. Then he saw the matches in my pocket," she answered indignantly.
"How did the matches get into your pocket, Alexandra? You know you are not to play with matches."
Adam sounded very angry at that, so Alexandra thought she best explain quickly. "I put them there, Dad."
Adams Face got redder, and his eyebrows narrowed in on the now very nervous child in front of him. "You put them there," he repeated in a deep and intimidating tone.
"Yes… I mean. I saw them in with the fireworks and though that might be dangerous, so I put them in my pocket, but I forgot about them, cause I had ta go to the outhouse, real bad. When I came outta the outhouse, I saw Willy had the firecracker and he ran behind the outhouse and I chased him. It was funny, Dad he nearly done fell inta the old outhouse hole. I thought the outhouse looked new and closer to the yard that it had last week. Jist as well, cause that was getting full. Of course the old hole was all filled in an all, but it was still a bit slushy, from the snow, and smelly, even though I could see the lime, but I guess it weren't dug too long ago. Uncle Hoss and Uncle Joe told me after… after what happened yesterday, that they dug a new one cause of all the guest commin' over, but they said cause the ground was so cold and hard they couldn't make the hole as deep as they usually do. They couldn't even get the can in under the seat cause the whole weren't deep enough, so theys jist emptied the can down the old hole and put the can behind the barn."
"Ahh, so that's why the methane ignited," whispered Adam.
"Methane?" Asked Alexandra.
"Yes, organic waste along with animal and human waste turns into sewerage with lots of different gases like methane. When humans dispose of their bodily waste it decomposes. It releases a methane gas."
"Bodily waste dad? Like You mean when they do a big sh… number two's they release gas."
"Sort of."
"What about farting, Dad, do they make methane gas?"
"Don't Say that word, Alexandra."
"Which one, Dad?"
"Fart, Alexandra. I don't want you to use that word."
"Oh okay. Grandmamma Willameena called it fat -u- lance; she said that when she was havin' momma, she was so big and fat, that when she done let a far… fat- u-lance go, you could cut the air with a long knife, or a sword or a lance. Miss Molly called them bottom burps. So, does bottom burps make gas too, Dad?"
Giggling could be heard, from the kitchen archway. Adam also heard another sound that could only be described akin to a minor earthquake; that had to be Hoss. Too much pork crackling. Adam pressed his lips together, determined to answer Alexandra's question, but also to get this necessary talk moving a little faster and on point. "Yes, both animal and humans. There is a lot more to the theories, but it's flammable. So if a flame goes near the methane gas, if there's a lot of it; it can explode and cause a fire."
"Gee, Dad, that's something I could've known about afore I decided to throw the lit cracker in the outhouse. I woulda also warned folks at least. Whenever theys were dynamiting the mines at home, they'd yell out; "Fire-in-the-Hole."
"You should have come and got me or one of your Uncles when Willy wouldn't give you back the firecracker and he wouldn't have lit it."
"He didn't light it. I did…"
Adams' eyebrows shot up performing surprise and then dropped to a scowl. It was obvious to Alexandra that he was about to exploded once again; the peanut gallery heard it too; the loud gasp and whispered 'Oh No's' testimony to that fact. Alexandra hurried on with her explanation.
"Well Dad, Willy was determined ta light it and he didn't know how it was supposed ta be done, but I did. I didn't know the Chinese words of oaffs to the dragon, but I figured my English one worked afore, so it should work again. I yelled, to the great dragon, 'Please let this firecracker send a message of good will ta all the people of Virginia City, for helping this day be such a good one. Then I lit the cracker and Willy done throwed it towards the back of the new outhouse, but it went out… well… I thought it did. Willy was real peeved and tried ta grab the matches offa a me, but I jist put them back in my pocket real quick. Then he tried ta fight me for them, so I turned around and opened the back latch door to the outhouse; you know the little door, where ya put Uncle Hoss can throw in lime and stuff under the seat or put a tall can there, ceptin theys didn't have a can there this time; jist the hole, cause they couldn't did the whole deep enough so theys couldn't get a can in or out iffin they needed to. I didn't think the cracker was still lit. I was jist trying ta stop willy from getting it and lighting it again. And I sure as hel… ah darn… Well… I sure as God is my witness, that I didn't know that Mrs. Sticky Nose Big… Ah Mrs. Willburn had gone ta the outhouse while me and Willy was arguing. And, how's was I ta know Mrs. Willburn let of some gas off when she ahh… what did you call it… deposited some bodily functions. She must have deposited a lot of bodily functions iffin it made enough gas for the outhouse seat to explode. Corse, I reckon she wasn't the only one ta deposit bodily functions that day, but still how was I supposed ta know that that sort gas explodes. Mrs. Willburn Sticky Nose… I mean Sticky Bum… NO. NO. I mean nice ole Mrs. Willburn, even though she done gossips about people all the time, like she did about momma that time. But, I forgave her and she forgave me so you said. I didn't know anybody was in there at all. It was lucky I said the oaffs to the dragon, cause iffin Mrs. Willburn hadn't been all most finished and pullin' up her draws when that fire cracker went off, she could have burnt her ar… bottom real bad. Instead of jist getting a burnt dress and covered in shi… bodily functions. Hmm, Dad those dragon firecracker gods, must been listenin, cause it sent a message of good will, when everybody thought Mrs. Willburn mighta been hurt. All the people trying ta help clean her up, even though I heard one of the fathers say that, they thought it was fitting that the town gossip end up with. Shi… that word, after all the Shi… that word, she spreads around. When he said that a whole bunch of the other fathers laughed, then they laughed again when his wife done give him a punch in the shoulder and told him to hush and not think ill of people on Christmas day. And, it weren't my fault that, Mrs. Willburn was too big ta fit into another skirt, even though Mrs. Reed offered ta lend her one of hers that Mr. Reed had bought over for her ta wear for the picnic. It wasn't my fault, Dad, that the only thing that would fit her was a curtain. And that the only curtain material she liked was the ones hanging up in your room. She said they looked real regal. Maybe, you should pick some new curtains that ain't so fancy next time, Dad, then we could be having this discussion in your room instead of here. I wonder iffin Willy is havin the same discussion with his Da. Willy calls his Pa, Da, like I call you Dad, Dad. But, he calls his Pa Da, cause his grandfather was Irish and Irish people sometimes call their Pa's, Da and their Ma's, Mamie. Anyway, I hope Willy's Da is given him a necessary discussion, cause it's all his fault in the first place and yours too, Dad."
"Mine why is this my fault; why is any of this my fault," exclaimed Adam, trying to think where this could possibly be going now.
"Cause! You tolds me that I had ta be nice ta Willy, even though he is a bully sometimes. You said I had to be nice to him cause I'd embarrassed him at the Christmas Eve carols when he sung real nice, but his voice is changing and he thinks its sissy to sing and that iffin I was nice ta him, that sooner or later he'd be nice ta me, and so I was tryin ta be nice ta him, and not tattle tale on him, but fix the de… lem… ah situation we was in."
"Right!" Yelled Adam, then pulled himself up when he saw Alexandra flinch. He spoke softer, but firmer. "So that makes this my fault does it? Being nice to people should always be the case; trying to make friends with a bully is a good way to stop bullies, but if that doesn't work, walking away from them is the best way to handle them. And, if that doesn't work telling a grown -up is the next best thing. And another thing Alexandra; I'll make this very clear; It's not tattling if someone is doing something dangerous. Firecrackers and matches are dangerous in the hands of children. I know you know that Alexandra Willameena Cartwright."
Alexandra sighed and chewed on her lip, now regretting saying the bit about it being her das fault; it seemed to really make him angry. Things weren't looking too good for her case at all. She looked down at the ground, so her father couldn't see the one tear that now had escaped. "I'm sorry, Dad, it weren't your fault. I wanted Willy ta be my friend. I shoulda not shown him how ta light it, but I'm glad at least the dragon oaff kinda worked."
Adam softened a little. He knew that Alex had probably guessed her fate. And, he had to give it to the kid, she did a mighty find job with her testimony. And, he could silently be thankful that it was nobody else that had gotten hurt; for if anybody deserved to have her backside near blown up, it was gossipy Mrs. Willburn. "Well, sweetheart, I know you didn't intend for any of this happen. And, while you made a few mistakes. The biggest thing you did wrong was use those matches. What's the rule about matches and flint stones and fires, Alex?"
"Let the grown-ups use them. I can light the fire or put a piece of wood on the fire iffin a grown up is with me. I can only use matches by myself in an emergency or desperate situation."
"That's right. And was this an emergency?" Asked Adam.
"No… but it was kinda desperate."
"Really?" Asked Adam raising her chin to meet his eyebrows; a warning to Alexandra that her answer should be an honest one.
"No… I guess not. I was kinda showin' off."
"Why?"
"Cause… I told you I wanted Willy to be my friend. Josh was having fun with the other kids. And Uncle Hoss was having fun with them all too. And Willy said that Josh wouldn't be my friend anymore cause, he was more like a grown- up now because he didn't believe in Father Christmas and that he jist saw us as little kids because we do. I knowed that ain't true. I wanted ta prove to Willy that I could do grown up things too."
"Like light firecrackers."
"Yes, sir. I was showin off, Huh?"
"Hmm, yes I think so. But, that not what you are in trouble for, though there's a lesson there to be learnt too. Willy's Da, is teaching him how wrong he was yesterday. And it's my Job to teach you. With that Adam pulled on Alexandra's arm and put her over his knee. He lifted up her dress and gave her pantaloon clad backside six short sharp smacks. "No lighting matches without a grown up A – round." Then another two. "Got That!" he said loudly; louder than the sound of the slap to her bottom.
Alex felt both. She yelped and kicked. She kicked so hard with the last two smacks to her upturned backside that her red cowboy boots flew off. Then all of a sudden, she screamed, and bellowed and sobbed inconsolably.
Adam stood her up quickly thinking he had been too hard on his little girl. Hoss, Joe and Hop Sing came running in from the kitchen, discarding their half-eaten mid-morning snacks on the table as they came around to stand in front of the big fireplace. Alexandra sound seriously hurt.
Adam grabbed Alex and pulled her onto his lap. "Alex, what's wrong? What did I do?"
"Did ya it hit her back by accident, Adam," asked Joe.
Alexandra continued to wail like she's been murdered.
"Ya didn't use ya belt on that little pumpkin, Adam. I feel down right bad that I want paying her no mind yesterday," said a sad Hoss.
"Let Hope Sing look Little Missy. Honorable father would not hurt you on purpose. Only doing what Hop Sing do when smack Little Joe with wooden spoon when he little boy and play with matches."
Adam stopped rubbing Alex's back and let Hop Sing start to pull up the back of her dress.
"No Hop Sing…" sobbed Alex. "My butts real sore… But … my back's … not… It's… My… my … boots… Santa done brung them… for me… but theys too big… and… they… flewwww off… I though theys flew inta the fire… I can't… see them," she wailed.
Suddenly everyone was relieved and smiling as Alexandra buried her head into her father's neck.
"They didn't fall into the fire pumpkin," announced Hoss as reached over to tap the little girl on the shoulder.
"Yeah, there they are, Pipsqueak." Joe pointed to the Christmas tree where Alex's boots could be seen sitting in the nook of two of the middle branches.
"How come Santa bought them for me too big," she asked as Adam continued to rub her back.
Adam looked to his brothers. This was not the time he wanted Alexandra to find out about Santa. Not yet; just one more year, he prayed. "Well darlin, I guess he thought you might grow out of them too fast," said Adam. "You are getting bigger."
"But, iffin I grew outta them too fast couldn't Santa bring me a new pair next Christmas?" she probed.
"But, pumpkin, Santa knew how much ya wanted those red boots…" Hoss stood in front of the big fireplace; his arms spread wide as he explained. "So, he figured iffin he bought them a size bigger, you'd get at least two years outta them and you could get something extra special next Christmas."
"Extra special!" exclaimed Alexandra, brightening and tears almost completely forgotten. "Hey, I gotta an idea…"
"Oh No you haven't," moaned Adam.
"No you haven't," agreed Joe. "Santa and his elves, including the Ponderosa Elves are too busy and too tired ta be involved in one more of your idea's, Pipsqueak. Now, we'll shove a bit of the territorial enterprise in the toe of your boots until you grow into them," he said as he leaned over and plucked them from two of the branches of the Christmas tree. As he did the poor little angel at the top became dislodged and fell on Joe's head. "Ow!" yelped Joe.
"Ironic," thought Adam, out loud.
Everybody burst into laughter, including Alexandra, as she scrubbed at her tears. "I will Uncle Little Joe as soon as Dad, finishes with his new edition. The old stuff got burnt up with Mrs. Willburn's bloomers."
The big room erupted with laughter again. Hoss big belly laughed so much that he had to bend over. As he did, an involuntary fat-u- lance erupted from the seat of his pants and hit the air in the room.
Alexandra jumped of her father's lap. "Fire-in-the- hole. Everybody take cover. Uncle Hoss jist might blow up The Biggest Fireplace In All Of Nevada."
THE END
A.N.
Thanks everybody for being patient with me on this story. You wouldna believe it I had it finished Friday, but have had no internet since Thursday. I hope to post this with what data I have left on my phone.
NEXT Alexandra episode will take place after Telegrams, and will include a lot more of Marty. At this stage it's called Trail Busters.