Volition
by FanficAllergy and RoseFyre
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Chapter 5 - Connection
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They held hands all the way back to the cave, Peeta unwilling to let her go now that they'd been reunited.
Katniss didn't mind. She understood his anxiety and need for reassurance. So many tributes had died, including Rue. If Peeta had accompanied them… She didn't know what she would do if she lost him. The connection she felt with the boy with the bread was what she thought she'd have with her soulmate. That sort of all-consuming need to be with them, protect them, love them. She cared for Cinna. She did. But only as a friend, a brother. Not someone that she wanted to settle down with, marry, grow old with.
That was assuming she'd grow old, something that seemed pretty far-fetched in her current predicament.
They reached the cave right as the sun began to set. Now that she was no longer moving, she felt the chill from her wet clothing start to leach all the warmth from her body. Shivering, she slipped inside the cave, peeling off her sodden boots, socks, and pants. Her jacket came next, leaving her clad only in her light-green blouse and underwear. Eyeing the black fabric of her jacket, she frowned. She'd managed to scrub some of the blood from it, but it'd need a more thorough washing before it'd be truly clean.
"Katniss?" Peeta said, stepping into the cave. "Did you want some fish? I caught a couple while you..." His voice trailed off into a strangled gasp.
She turned to see him staring at her, his eyes wide, his mouth agape. She felt a low flush of heat staining her cheeks.
"I'm sorry!" He darted back outside. "I'll, I'll come back later!"
She finished removing her wet clothes and spread them out to dry before slipping into their lone sleeping bag. "You can come in now," Katniss called, smoothing the fabric of the black bag with her fingers.
Peeta returned, the knuckles of his hand white as he clutched a sheet of bark with a small cooked fish on it. "I didn't see anything, I swear."
"It's okay. It's not like there's much to see."
Peeta's ears grew red. "So did you want this?"
"Maybe later." She usually wouldn't turn down food, but she didn't think she could eat right now. Not after the bloodbath by the Cornucopia. "I'm not that hungry."
Peeta knelt down next to her, setting the food down beside him. "I'm gonna miss her too. Rue…" He paused, trying to find the right words. "She never should've been in these Games." Katniss could tell he wanted to say more, but knew every word was being televised. Knew that if he said the wrong thing his family would suffer the consequences. He was skirting the edge of sedition, but not quite stepping over the line.
She knew how he felt. "No, she shouldn't have."
They fell silent, each of them locked in their own thoughts. The quiet stretched out between them like a chasm, neither one quite sure what to say.
Eventually Peeta cleared his throat. "So, um… I'm sorry I kissed you."
Katniss's heart sunk. Was he regretting the kiss? Did she do it wrong? "Why?" she asked, embarrassed by just how small her voice sounded.
"I should've asked you first."
Katniss tilted her head. "Is that what you're supposed to do, ask?" It wasn't like she'd ever kissed anyone before, with or without permission.
"Well, yeah." Peeta sat back on his heels. "At least, that's what my mom taught me. Good boys ask permission first," he said, taking on his mother's cadence.
That explained so much. He wasn't regretting the kiss, he was feeling guilty that he hadn't asked first. An idea struck her. "So… why don't you just ask permission now?"
He stared at her, blinking.
Katniss waited.
"So… can I kiss you?" His voice was nervous, hesitant.
"Yes."
Peeta still looked confused. "Are you saying yes for now or for before?"
"Yes," Katniss said, willing him to understand.
Understanding dawned on his features. Leaning over, he pressed his lips to hers.
Her response was immediate. Flinging her arms around his neck, she rose to meet him. This was what she wanted. This was what she craved. The connection. The heat. She'd believed she'd only feel this way with her soulmate. Katniss never imagined she'd feel this much hunger, desire, with someone else. Especially someone she'd essentially met in the Hunger Games.
Peeta's lips made her forget she was in a battle of life and death. His mouth drowned out her feelings of guilt and despair over Rue, over her imminent demise, over everything. She was lost in his kisses. Slowly consumed by the ever growing fire within her.
Gasping for breath, Peeta tore himself away from her mouth. They stared at each other, panting. Katniss wasn't sure if it was from running out of of air or from the kisses themselves.
"Wow," Peeta said, after several deep breaths. "Thank you, Katniss, That was..." the normally eloquent boy struggled to find the right word… and failed, "...just... wow!"
Katniss unzipped the sleeping bag and propped it open. "Join me?"
He blinked.
"We don't have to do anything," she said, her cheeks flaming. "But can you just hold me?"
His adam's apple bobbed up and down as he nodded. He slipped into the bag and pulled her into his arms so that she was lying on top of his broad chest. His hands drew little patterns on her arms and back.
Laying her head over his heart, she marveled in the sensations. She felt warm. Safe. Protected. "Tell me about yourself," she asked, her fingers playing with the dark cotton of his shirt.
Peeta laughed, his whole body shaking. "I'm nothing special. I'm not interesting like you."
"That's not true. I'm the nobody. You're Peeta Mellark, the baker's son, the second-best wrestler in the district. Me? I'm just another coal miner's daughter."
"You're not just another coal miner's daughter." He paused. "Do you remember the first day of school?"
Katniss was confused. Sure, she remembered it. She remembered her dad taking the day off work to walk her to school because she was so scared she wouldn't make any friends. She remembered him braiding her hair into two plaits, and the surprise of the red checked dress he'd saved up for months to purchase from the tailor in town. She remembered him holding her hand as they walked through the Seam. It was one of her favorite memories. She nodded.
"Do you remember the teacher asking for volunteers to sing 'The Valley Song?'"
She did. She'd volunteered, since she knew the song. And back then, she'd liked singing, and not just for Prim either. "Yeah."
"You were so determined," Peeta said, his voice taking on a distant quality. "Beautiful. And from the first note, I was a goner. Everyone stopped to listen. Even the birds. It was like they knew."
"You know-"
He silenced her with one finger. "I do. It doesn't matter. You're it for me, Katniss. You've always been it."
The words struck a chord inside her, ringing loud and pure with truth. She thought back to every moment with the boy with the bread. From the first subtle touch of his hand against hers to now…
A realization filtered through her.
"You're it for me too, Peeta. I just never really thought about it before. The bread, the dandelion, the train. It's you. It's always been you."
"I wish I'd known that before. We could've done so much…"
She hovered above him, her lips millimeters from his. "You're here now."
Their lips met in a soul-searing kiss. Katniss put every ounce of her feelings into it, trying to let him know with her lips, mouth, and tongue just how much he meant to her. How much she loved him.
And she did love him.
Even if she couldn't say the words, not yet, it didn't make the feeling any less true. Less real.
Peeta's hands slid up her body to cup her face while part of him much lower rose to press into her core almost tantalizingly.
She ground her body against him, the ember of desire from before turning into a full-fledged conflagration. Her hands slid from his shoulders down his chest to divest him of his shirt so she could feel his skin. He was hard in all of the right places, with just the tiniest bit of softness to hint at Peeta's gentle demeanor.
Peeta's hands were busy too, slipping under her thin undershirt to caress her shoulders and back.
She wanted more, so much more. But she felt a twinge of discomfort at the thought that their first time, their only time, would be in front of all of Panem.
As if sensing her discomfort, Peeta pulled his lips from hers. "Are you okay?" The words were breathy, as if he'd just run from the Cornucopia.
"Yeah." Her hips angling into his. "I want this."
"Are you sure? We can wait."
Cupping his face in her palms, she stared down into his deep blue eyes, pupils blown wide. "No. We can't. Only one of us will make it out of here. We're down to the final three."
"But-"
"No. They won't let both of us win. So let me have this." She dropped a kiss on his mouth. "Let me give you this."
And after that, there were no more words, just the sound of two bodies joining and two hearts breaking in the same instant.
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