Volition
by FanficAllergy and RoseFyre
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Chapter 8 - Revelation
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There were butterflies in her stomach as she walked up onstage for the Victory Ceremony. She scanned the stage, looking for Peeta, but didn't see him. Turning her eyes to the crowd, Katniss spotted her soulmate, a warm, encouraging smile on his lips. Just like during her first interview with Caesar, Cinna was there, adding his own special level of support.
She barely heard Caesar's excited utterances. Where was Peeta? She needed to see Peeta.
A panel slid to one side and suddenly there he was.
Dashing across the stage, he pulled her into his arms as if he wasn't sure she was real. She knew how he felt, because she felt the same. Her fingertips mapped the smooth planes of his face, partially to convince herself he was real, but also to prevent herself from kissing him in front of all of Panem.
Resting his forehead against hers, he murmured, "Hey."
"Hey." The words were breathy and sounded nothing like her real voice. She hated it. She relished the sensation of of Peeta's arms around her. She wanted to escape into them. Forget where she was.
But she couldn't.
Caesar cleared his throat and motioned for them to take a seat on an overly large chair. Not quite a bench, but something the Capitolite called a loveseat. It was just wide enough for both of them to sit, as long as they didn't mind their sides touching.
She didn't.
Peeta leaned back and wrapped his arm around her. Katniss curled into him. Having him there, his strength and solidity, would hopefully make it a little less terrible.
Then the torture began.
For the next three hours, Katniss and Peeta were subjected to the "highlights" of this year's Games. Each year, the Gamemakers presented a theme, an overarching narrative to add coherence to a senseless bloodbath. From the moment the first note played, Katniss knew what the overarching theme for this year would be: romance. Specifically, her and Peeta's star-crossed love story. Everything was oriented toward their love. The music, the lighting, even the choice of what to show. The recap lingered on the pre-Game moments, including footage from their bedroom in the Training Center.
Katniss felt her cheeks heat in embarrassment, and she buried her face in Peeta's shoulder. She should have guessed the Capitol would have cameras everywhere. Snow's comments in the medical center hinted at that.
Peeta held her close, teasing his fingers through her hair and down her neck in a soothing motion. She tuned out the world, letting everything narrow to the sensation of Peeta's fingers on her skin.
Finally, the film drew to a close. But that didn't mean the humiliation was over. Now it was time for the uncomfortable question-and-answer, where Caesar asked them what they were thinking when they killed such-and-such tribute, and the hapless Victor tried to come up with something other than "Well, it was either him or me" or "I really wanted to go home." Not even Finnick Odair could come up with something eloquent when asked that after his Games. Although he'd tried.
However, instead of asking about what it felt like to drop the tracker jacker nest on the Careers, Caesar led off with, "So, instead of our usual exciting lineup, I have just received some very special news that I'd like to share with you right now." He flashed an envelope back and forth, as if it contained the formula for no-fade hair dye. "Katniss. Peeta. Let me say it's been an honor to be a part of your love story."
The two teens shared a glance before Peeta said, "We couldn't think of anybody better to share it with." It was a lie but the Capitol ate it up, the audience cheering for them.
So did Caesar. Slapping a hand over his chest, he cooed, "Oh my heart! Aren't they just precious, folks? Don't you just love them?"
The crowd roared in appreciation.
Caesar motioned for them to calm down. "Save your voices, folks, save your voices! You're going to need them in a few moments." He turned back to the dual Victors. "Katniss. Peeta. I have here the most exciting, most wonderful, most amazing news!"
"Well, gosh, Caesar." To Katniss, Peeta's voice sounded forced, but she didn't think anybody else would notice. He went on, "Just give us the news! You're making us all nervous over here."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Caesar tore open the envelope and pulled out a piece of paper. "Katniss and Peeta, let me be the first to congratulate you. You're pregnant!" He paused dramatically. "With twins!"
Katniss did the only thing she could in that moment. Her mouth dropped open and she stared at the older man in shock.
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Katniss stood on the roof of the Training Center, looking out over the still-jubilant Capitol, her stomach roiling. The palms of her hands were pressed against her still-flat, almost concave, stomach. But somewhere deep inside of her was life. A baby. Two babies. Peeta's babies.
When she volunteered for her sister, she thought that the worst that could happen was that she'd end up killed, just one more dead tribute from Twelve. Now, as the enormity of being a Victor, having a soulmate, being in love, being a mother crashed down on her, she realized dying was so much easier than living.
The scrape of a foot across the pavement behind her intruded on her consciousness. It wasn't Peeta; whoever it was moved much too quietly for that. And from the calm which descended upon her as a warm hand cupped her right shoulder, she knew who it was. Cinna. Her soulmate.
"I thought I'd find you up here."
"I needed some air."
"Peeta thinks you're angry at him."
Ducking her head, Katniss asked, "Did he say that?"
"No, but he didn't have to. Where you're concerned, his feelings are an open book."
"Not to me," she said, tightening her arms around herself. "People confuse me. Peeta confuses me."
"You're the center of his world. I can see how that could be confusing." He stepped closer to her, wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on the top of her head. "I also imagine it's a bit overwhelming."
"What isn't overwhelming?"
"Fair enough," he murmured into her ear. "How can I help?"
She leaned back, letting his warmth seep through her, his calm. With Peeta, she felt on fire, constantly burning with need and love and desire. But Cinna was more solid, like wood. Or maybe even the earth. He didn't want to douse her flame, she knew that. Instead he'd support her in whatever ways she needed. With a deep breath, she voiced the thoughts which had been running through her head ever since Caesar's announcement. "I never wanted to have children."
Cinna hummed, encouraging her to continue.
"I still don't want them."
"That's fair." His arms tightened around her. "I imagine you'd be afraid of losing them."
Katniss nodded. "Not just to the Games. But to starvation or disease."
He hummed again.
"But I don't have to worry about the last two now. I'm a Victor. I'll be able to afford food and drugs. But…"
"But… your children would be likely to be Reaped."
"I'm having twins. A boy and a girl, that's what Caesar said. It's how they knew," she said, repeating the explanation of how they'd known she was carrying not one, but two babies. "The Capitol…" she trailed off.
"The Capitol won't be able to resist having a set of twins in the same Games."
"Especially from the only dual Victors of the Hunger Games," she said grimly. President Snow had said he wouldn't do anything to her or Peeta. He hadn't mentioned their children, even though he'd almost certainly already known she was pregnant.
"So what are you going to do? No. What do you want to do?" Cinna said, placing extra emphasis on the word 'want.'
"What I want to do is not be pregnant. But…"
"But?"
She stared down at the crowds below. "Part of me wants it too. They're Peeta's. His gift to me. If I'd lost him, I'd still have his children, you know?"
"I don't. But I can imagine." He paused for a moment. "You're feeling guilty, aren't you?" At her nod, he continued, "You shouldn't. It's completely normal to feel conflicted about this. It's a huge deal. You've just survived one life-changing experience, only to be confronted with another one. It's okay to be overwhelmed and scared. I'd be scared if I were in your shoes."
She nodded again.
"But you know who else is scared?"
"Peeta…"
"He is. Maybe you should talk to him so you can be scared together. After all, you made it through the Games together. You can make it through this together."
"I'm glad you're my soulmate."
"Me too."
"I love you," she said after a few moments. "But not the same way that I love Peeta."
She felt his smile against the back of her head. "That's good. I love you too, Girl on Fire. I've always believed that soulmates didn't have to be romantic. How else can you explain the extremely strong friendships we see throughout written history?" He paused as if gathering his thoughts. "I read somewhere that there's three kinds of love. Love of the body, love of the mind, love of the soul. Love of the soul… it's the kind of love that's patient and kind and it doesn't require anything physical. You make me want to become a better person, Katniss. That's why you're my soulmate. You make me a better me."
It was the longest thing she'd ever heard him say. But she realized that the words rang true. Cinna understood her in ways Peeta never could. She quickly revised her earlier assessment. If she was the flame, then Cinna was the air which allowed it life, while Peeta was the green, the life, which grew in the aftermath. That green would provide her fuel, creating a never-ending cycle of life, death, and rebirth. Without the air Cinna provided, she'd suffocate and die. But without Peeta, she'd have never survived beyond a spark.
She glanced down at her hands, still protectively cradling her stomach. "I think I need to talk to him about this. About us."
"That sounds like a wise course." He squeezed her lightly. "I just want you to know, no matter what you decide, I'll stand beside you the whole way."
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Katniss stared at the ornately-painted door in front of her. Like so many things in the Capitol, it had been embellished and embossed with so many details that all sense of beauty had been lost and instead it was just a jumbled mess. Beautifully burled wood had been painted and carved so extensively that Katniss's head ached just looking at it. Why couldn't the Capitol leave already-beautiful things as they were? Why did they have to turn it into a grotesque shadow of itself?
Hanging in the center of the door was a brass knocker, the rich cousin version of the one that hung on Cray's front door. She'd been staring at that knocker for several minutes, trying to work up the courage to lift the handle. She needed to talk to Peeta. Really needed to talk to Peeta. But at the same time, she dreaded the conversation.
The door opened, revealing Peeta. When he saw her, he took a half-step back. "Katniss?" He regarded her. "Are you okay?"
She nodded, the words sticking in her throat.
"Did you want to talk?"
She nodded again.
"Did you want to come in?"
She shook her head.
"Okay. Where do you want to go?"
Wordlessly, she held her hand out to him. He took it without hesitation.
She led him back up to the roof where she'd left Cinna who knows how long ago. She hoped her soulmate had left; as much as she could use his strength, this was something that needed to stay between Peeta and her. She hoped he'd be perceptive enough to figure that out.
Thankfully, the roof was empty when she got up there. She led Peeta to the very edge and rested her hands on the railing. In the streets below, the crowds were still celebrating, like they had the night before the Games. Even thirteen stories up, she could hear the cheers.
Standing next to her, Peeta glanced over the edge. "I don't think I'll ever understand the Capitol. You'd think they were the ones who'd won the Hunger Games."
"They did." They were the first words she'd said. "We didn't win. No one who goes into that Arena wins. Only the Capitol."
Peeta came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her in a mirror of Cinna's stance. Like with her soulmate, she felt a wash of peace flow through her.
"What did you want to talk about?" he murmured into her ear. "I'm guessing you don't want to have this conversation overheard."
She nodded, then realized he couldn't see the motion, so she turned in his embrace to face him. "Snow knows I have a soulmate." The words tumbled from her lips. "And he knows it's not you."
"Oh."
"Yeah." She looked down, not meeting his eyes. "Oh."
"You met them here." It wasn't a question.
She nodded.
"Who does Snow think it is?"
"Thresh."
"But it wasn't Thresh."
She shook her head.
"Are they alive?"
She bit her lower lip, unsure if she should nod or not.
Peeta swore under his breath. "You don't need to tell me who it is. I just need to know… did you want to be with them?"
"Not like I want to be with you." She soldiered on, sensing that, if she didn't bridge the chasm widening between them, she'd lose Peeta, and she didn't want that. "When I met hi-them," she hastily corrected, just in case Snow was listening, "the first thought that went through my mind is that I didn't want them. I wanted you. It didn't matter that they were my soulmate and you weren't. I didn't love them." She drew a deep breath and met his eyes. "I love you." She waited, her heart laid bare. She knew that the next move was Peeta's, and she hoped, no prayed, he wouldn't leave her.
His arms tightened around her, but the words that came out of his mouth were unexpected. "Did I ever tell you that I had a soulmate?"
What?
She shook her head.
"I don't know if you remember, but Madge had an identical twin sister. Mabel."
She cast her mind back. By the time she'd started eating lunch with Madge, there hadn't been a sister. But she vaguely remembered seeing the two blonde girls on Reaping Day, and at the District-wide celebrations, when she'd been barely a child. She nodded. "She was your soulmate?"
"Yeah." Peeta held up his left hand, motioning to the space between his ring finger and middle finger. "You can just barely make it out, but my soulmark's here." He pointed to the webbing between his fingers.
She held his hand up to the light, straining to see the mark hidden there. It was small, barely the length of her fingernail. The outline of a single dandelion seed in gray.
"Hers was on her foot. Her big toe. Easy enough to hide. Even mine… a little dirt, a little flour. No one was the wiser."
"I would've thought your parents would be happy about it."
"They were. The Undersees weren't."
"Why?"
"Mayor Undersee's soulmate was Mrs. Undersee's dead sister, Maysilee. She died in the Second Quarter Quell. To the Undersees, soulmates just meant pain." His arms tightened around her. "They weren't wrong."
"What happened?"
"It was an accident. Madge and Mabel were playing tag when Mabel tripped and fell down the stairs. She was dead as soon as she hit the landing. Broken neck. Madge has never forgiven herself. My mother tried to push for an engagement between me and Madge, said we'd be like the Mayor and his wife." He shook his head. "I'm glad she failed."
"I'm sorry about Mabel."
"Sounds horrible, but I can't imagine loving her like I love you. She was a friend. A good friend, but I fell in love with you the moment I heard you sing. I was five. Mabel had died that summer, but what I felt for her? A drop in the ocean to what I feel for you."
She leaned up on her tiptoes, her hands snaking around his neck. When their lips met, Katniss felt embers deep in her belly come roaring back to life. This was Peeta, the man she loved. The man she'd chosen to love.
She pulled away, sinking back on her heels. "So what do we do now?"
His fingers slipped around to rest at her waist, just over the children she carried. "I don't know. But whatever we do, we do it together."
"Together."
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