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III

2379

Standing in falling snow, Chakotay's forgotten coat in her hands, Kathryn knocked on the door of his chalet. When she got no reply, she tried the handle and found that the door was unlocked. Slowly, she pushed it open and stepped into the lodging. As soon as she did, she saw Chakotay sitting on the floor, his back against the couch, weeping. Her heart aching at his pain, she closed the door, put down his coat, and went over to him.

"Chakotay," she said, kneeling beside him in concern.

"Just leave me alone, Kathryn," he wept. "Just forget about me and get on with your life."

"With all due respect," Kathryn replied gently, "I can't do that. I love you, Chakotay. I want you in my life."

Chakotay looked up at her, the pain in his eyes hurtful to behold. "Why? So I can ruin your life like I've ruined the lives of everyone I love? Damn it, Kathryn! I've already ruined your life!"

"No you haven't," she answered. "I can't imagine my life without you, and I don't want to imagine it. What's ruining my life is us being apart."

"I raped you," Chakotay cried. "How could I do anything worse?"

At that, Kathryn seized his hands. "Now you listen to me, Chakotay, and you listen good. You didn't rape me. You would never rape me. We did what we had to do to survive. You have to accept that and stop beating yourself up."

"I can't," he said, breaking away from her and getting to his feet. "Every day it's tortured me..."

"Then the torture's got to stop," Kathryn answered, also standing. "You saved my life, Chakotay...we saved each other's lives. We had no choice..."

"It was rape, Kathryn," Chakotay insisted. "They raped your mind, I raped your body."

"That's not true. You're twisting what happened to fuel your guilt. You did nothing wrong. Hell, Chakotay, if you raped me then I raped you. Is that what you think? Is that what you want me to believe?"

Chakotay tearfully stepped away from her. "My body responded, Kathryn...while you lay there in pain and fear, my body had pleasure. How can it all be anything but rape? Tell me, Kathryn!"

His words momentarily silenced her. She had never thought of it from that point of view..that while the experience had been an ordeal for them both, he had the guilt of arousal. "You're right," she said quietly. "It was rape. I raped you."

"No," Chakotay protested.

"Yes," Kathryn answered, a tear running down her cheek. "The body responds to stimulation, even if the mind is unwilling, and my hands stimulated you. And being aroused like that...in a situation of fear...is harder to deal with than having felt only pain. Because of the pleasure, you feel like you enjoyed it, and I know that you didn't. I'm so sorry, Chakotay."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he replied. "It was me...all..." He turned away again. "I hate myself so much. I've tried everything to forget, but I can't...I can't come to terms with what happened."

Kathryn stepped closer. "Maybe we need help, Chakotay. What happened is ruining our lives and we can't let that happen. I love you and you love me. B'Elanna's right. We can't throw that away."

"It's too late," Chakotay answered. "I can't forget what happened, Kathryn, and as long as I remember, I can never be the man you need."

Kathryn bit her lip and was a moment with the next words. "Then maybe we shouldn't remember."

Chakotay turned to her sharply. "And how are we supposed to forget?"

"By having those memories erased."

Chakotay flinched. "You're serious."

Kathryn nodded. "I know you don't agree with memory erasure, and neither do I most of the time, but we have to ask ourselves not what we lose by erasing those memories, but what we gain by retaining them. And I can think of nothing, Chakotay."

Chakotay gazed at her, the longing for peace in his eyes saying more than a million words.

Kathryn took his hands in hers and squeezed them. "It would only take a few minutes, Chakotay. A few minutes and all this pain would be gone. We could enjoy the rest of our lives...together."

Chakotay let go of her left hand and touched her cheek. "I love you so much, Kathryn. I've always loved you. But I don't deserve you..."

"That is your guilt and pain talking," Kathryn answered. "Remember how it used to be between us, Chakotay. Remember our moonlight sails on Lake George and all the games we played together on the holodeck. Remember how much we enjoyed just being with each other. We can have that again, Chakotay." She put her hand over his and kissed it. "Let's lose those memories and gain the rest of our life."

Chakotay nodded tearfully. "Let's do it."

"If we go to my clinic," the Doctor said as Kathryn and Chakotay discussed their desire with him in his hotel room an hour later, "I can do the erasure now. It's a simple procedure."

"That's very kind of you," Kathryn replied, "but we wouldn't want to intrude on your vacation time."

"Not at all. My only plan for tonight is cyber oblivion until morning. I'll be glad to perform the surgery...that is if you are ready to have it so soon."

"The sooner the better," Kathryn answered.

"Then matter settled," the Doctor smiled.

"Before we do this," Chakotay injected, "I want to know how it will affect us. I mean, what will we feel afterwards? Will we be confused or disorientated or have a multitude of blanks in memory?"

"Hopefully none of those," the Doctor replied. "When the procedure is finished, I'll give you a little something to make you sleep, and then transport you to directly to your chalet beds. I'll check on you both during the night, just to make sure all is well, and put a couple of empty bottles of wine in both your chalets. When you wake up in the morning, you'll have no recollection of the procedure, our conversation, or any conversation you've had together regarding this subject, and will put your grogginess and memory fog of events this evening down to a hang-over. All your current memories of the Voyager years will be the same, only you will not remember this specific incident. You will remember only that you were taken by those aliens for biometric examination."

Kathryn turned to Chakotay and took his hand in hers. "Let's have it done now, Chakotay. We've lived with those memories long enough."

Chakotay nodded. "We'll have it done now, Doctor."

The Doctor smiled. "Then all that remains is for you to fetch your night wear. When you get back, I'll request direct transport."

The Doctor's state of the art clinic in San Francisco was equipped for all medical procedures, and as he prepared for the surgery, Kathryn and Chakotay changed in separate pre-op rooms into their night-wear. When they were dressed, they made their way into the surgery, arriving almost the same time.

"The only decision now," the Doctor said, leaving a biobed, "is which of you goes first."

Chakotay turned to Kathryn. "I want you to go first. I need to be sure you've had it done."

Kathryn flinched. "Don't you trust me?"

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes. "I need to be sure...please."

At the pain in his eyes, Kathryn relented. "Very well. I'll go first."

The Doctor gestured to the prepared biobed. "Please lie down, Admiral."

Kathryn went over to the biobed and did as he asked. The Doctor then turned to Chakotay. "Please return to the pre-op room."

"No," Chakotay replied. "I want to watch..."

The Doctor protested. "I'm afraid I cannot permit..."

Kathryn interrupted him. "Let him stay, Doctor."

The Doctor sighed. "If he must." He gestured to a distant chair. "Please sit quietly."

Chakotay went over to the chair and sat down. He could see Kathryn's face and she smiled reassuringly. "It will soon be over, Chakotay. See you in our new life."

The Doctor then put a hypospray to her neck and she fell asleep.

The following morning, a distant knocking woke Kathryn. Groggily, she got out of bed, put on her night-robe, and went to answer the door. It was B'Elanna.

"B'Elanna," Kathryn said. "Come in."

B'Elanna stepped into the chalet. "Did I wake you?"

"Yes, but time I got up anyway," Kathryn answered. "What time is it exactly?"

"Just after ten."

"Ten?" Kathryn exclaimed in surprise.

B'Elanna smiled. "Had too much to drink last night?"

"I guess I must have," Kathryn replied. "I certainly feel hung-over." She gestured to the couch. "Please, take a seat. Would you like a coffee?"

"I'd love one," B'lanna answered. "But first I'd like to apologize."

Kathryn frowned. "What for?"

"For the way I behaved last night. You were right, what Chakotay and you do is none of my business."

"Now I know I had too much to drink," Kathryn said, going over to the replicator, "as I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about."

"One hang-over to be grateful for then," B'Elanna continued. "I was way out of line."

Kathryn replicated two cups of coffee and picked them up as she spoke. "Strange thing is, I don't remember drinking last night. I can't remember what I did last night. I remember having dinner with you and the guys and coming back here, but I can't remember a thing after that."

"Last time I saw you," B'Elanna said. "Chakotay was here."

Kathryn walked towards the table. "He was?"

B'Elanna nodded.

"I guess we must have..." She stopped talking when she saw two empty bottles of wine on the table and a couple of glasses. "Well, there we go," she laughed. "The incriminating evidence."

B'Elanna laughed too and joined her former captain in the seating area. "Am I forgiven?"

Kathryn smiled warmly. "Absolutely."

"Not joining us on the slopes?" Harry asked as Kathryn took a seat on the hotel's veranda after lunch.

"I think I'll pass today," she replied. "But you go break a leg...not literally, of course..."

Harry laughed. "Of course." He walked onto the snow. "See you later, Admiral."

"Have fun," she smiled.

With that, Harry walked off and Kathryn relaxed into a very comfortable wicker chair. Just as she was about to open a brochure that was on the table, she heard Chakotay's voice.

"Here you are," he said. "I've been looking for you all over."

Kathryn looked up and saw him standing before her. He looked weary and she smiled. "You look like I feel."

Chakotay smiled in return and sat beside her. "I think we overdid the wine last night."

"Just a little bit," Kathryn teased. "I found two empty bottles this morning."

"So did I."

"Really?" She put down the brochure in her hands. "No wonder we're hung-over. We must have had a couple of drinks at your place and at mine."

A young girl in a traditional Austrian outfit approached him. "May I get you both a drink?"

"I'll have a blueberry juice," Kathryn replied.

"Me too," Chakotay answered. "Thank you."

The girl smiled. "Two blueberry juices coming right up."

As she left, Kathryn looked out at the spectacular mountains before her. "It's so beautiful here, Chakotay. I can't believe how quickly this weekend has gone. I don't want to leave tomorrow."

"Then don't," he said. "Let's stay...just you and me."

Kathryn turned to him, her eyes sparkling. "We could, couldn't we?"

Chakotay nodded, the same light in his eyes.

"Then let's stay," Kathryn said happily. "And let's ditch our chalets and try for one of those exquisite log-cabins by the lake.."

Chakotay smiled, dimples showing. "I'll go and request a reservation."

Standing on the balcony of a luxurious log-cabin the following evening, Kathryn looked out at a copper lake in the setting sun. She and Chakotay had just dined at the resort's finest restaurant, and she was stylishly dressed in a sumptuous gown of blue velvet that fell off her shoulders and kissed her knees.

"Glorious, isn't it?" Chakotay said, joining her on the balcony, also formally dressed in a black shirt and white pants.

"Magnificent," Kathryn replied. "I'm so glad we decided to stay."

Chakotay stood beside her and gazed at her in the golden light. "You look so beautiful tonight."

Kathryn smiled and turned to him. "Don't I always look beautiful?"

Chakotay looked deep into her eyes. "Always..."

Kathryn could hardly breath as they looked at each other, and the splendor around her faded away as her senses became aware of nothing but him. As Chakotay took her hand in his, her whole body tingled.

"I've missed you, Kathryn," he said quietly. Since they had returned from the Delta Quadrant, they had hardly seen each other at all. He had been on an archaeological expedition to deep space and she had been working full-time at Starfleet Headquarters.

"I've missed you too," Kathryn confessed.

"And I will go on missing you," Chakotay continued, "for as long as we're apart." Tenderly, he reached out and touched her face. "I don't want us to be apart anymore. There's no command-structure now, no ship, no crew ... no parameters. There's just you and me." His voice fell to a whisper. "I love you so much, Kathryn."

Kathryn smiled and a happy tear escaped her eye. "I love you too, Chakotay."

Tears of joy filled his eyes, and Kathryn wrapped her arms around his neck as his arms gathered her against him.

For a long time they held each other tight, both cherishing the closeness, and then, in the glow of the setting sun, their lips finally met in the first tender kiss of forever.

THE END