Chapter 5

My first thought when I awoke was that the previous night was merely a dream. But the sight of my brother curled in my arms, his face pressed into my shoulder, soon dissipated that fear. As did the lingering lethargy in my muscles after hours of lovemaking, which prevented my groin from doing more than twitch now despite the warm, gorgeous body wrapped around me.

I looked down as he murmured drowsily and attempted to burrow deeper into my side. This was probably one of the biggest surprises of the night, learning that my seemingly stoic big brother was actually an avid cuddler. Because for as eager as he was for the sex itself, he seemed almost desperate for my kisses, hugs, and any other sign of affection. I felt guilty once again at the thought of the loneliness and isolation our family had inflicted upon him.

I lay there for a while, content to watch him sleep peacefully. It felt like years since I'd seen him so relaxed, and he looked younger without the walls he usually surrounded himself with. Eventually though I had to slip out of bed to get washed up so we could leave in time.

When I emerged from the bathroom, Dean was awake, sitting up and watching me with a carefully still expression. "So now what, Sam? Am I still dropping you off at Stanford like before?"

I sat beside him and gave him a deep, lingering kiss before responding. "Hardly! I want you to come with me. Hear me out! I figure whatever's at those coordinates can't be too time-sensitive, because Dad couldn't know when you'd find his journal. So there's no harm in waiting a couple more days, right?

"Today's already Wednesday, and I've got that interview to deal with today. Friday afternoon I don't have classes, so we can make an early start to Colorado then. In the meantime, you can see how much you can research from here, particularly if I can get you into the university library. And frankly, you could use a couple of days of proper rest and good food before taking on another case. Sound like a plan?" I looked at him expectantly.

"Uh huh. And which of us is sleeping on the couch during that time? Or does your happy little fantasy include your girlfriend being okay with me joining the two of you in bed?" he asked skeptically.

"Oh God, Jess!" I stared in shock, realizing that I'd barely thought of her at all since calling last night to tell her we were stopping at a motel for a few hours. "I—I've messed everything up! What do I say to her? Sh—she knows that we're brothers! And if—if she tells anyone else—"

His face twisted into a bitter smile. "Regrets already? Shoulda known this was too good to last. Guess it'll be better to leave you there after all . . . wouldn't wanna ruin your life." He threw the covers off and started to rise.

I immediately caught him in my arms and pulled him back down. "Dammit, no! Don't do this! I'm not ashamed of you, of us! I meant everything I said last night, okay? You're what I've always wanted most, not college, not law school . . . not even her. I've just—just got to figure out the way to tell her that'll hurt her the least."

He glanced down contritely. "Sorry, Sammy. I—I guess I'm still having a hard time believing you really want me after all this. I ain't trying to make you choose between me and her. If you need more time to decide how you wanna break this to her, we can keep quiet until we get back from Blackwater Ridge or something."

I sighed. "No, she deserves better than that. I'll tell her the truth after I get back from the interview and then deal with the fallout."

"Sorry, man. I didn't mean to mess everything up for you."

I clasped his hands. "You didn't, Dee! Last night and this morning are the happiest I can ever remember being! Yeah, this is probably going to interfere with the plans I had before, but . . . plans change. You were right the other day, that what I was trying to do wasn't healthy—hiding my past, pretending to be something I'm not. I'm not normal and never will be, and . . . and there's nothing wrong with that.

"And you were right about me and Dad being too much alike. He threw away everything else in his life, including us, in the pursuit of revenge. I almost did the same chasing after safety instead. But there has to be something in the middle, right? Because I know you're not going to want to give up helping people, and I'm not going to give up you. We just need to find what works for us, what makes us happy, instead of doing things his way or my way." I leaned in and kissed him again.

"Sam, that was so . . . moving, so deep. I'm . . . I'm having a moment here." Dean smirked and ducked my swat, then continued, "Seriously though, baby boy . . . I'll back whatever play you wanna make. I get that this ain't gonna be easy for either of us. But it's gotta be better than the past coupla shitty years. I can deal with pretty much anything else as long as you're with me.

"And who knows, maybe Jess will take this better than you think? I dunno much 'bout your girl yet, but she does love you a lot. I know that as much as I wanna keep you for yourself, I—I wouldn't mind sharing if it'd make you happy. Maybe . . . maybe she'll feel the same." He glanced down with flushed cheeks.

I scrubbed a hand through my hair. "God, I don't know if something like that would be possible. We've always been completely monogamous and never discussed shit like threesomes even for fun. I have no idea how she'd react to the idea of something like this as a—a serious thing. And that's not even touching the fact that you're my brother . . ."

"Well, if it came down to a choice between sharing you or losing you, I know which one I'd pick. You gotta tell her regardless, so it can't hurt to put the option out there and see what she thinks. Now lemme up so I can get dressed, okay?" He stood and stretched, then put a hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry too much, Sammy. We'll figure all this out somehow."

We packed up and checked out, and then made a brief stop at Dunkin Donuts for breakfast before getting back on the road. Dean was fairly quiet for about the first hour, other than occasionally humming along to Led Zeppelin II. I was deep in thought, trying to figure out the best way to break the news of not only last night's events but my entire past to Jess.

Eventually he cleared his throat and glanced at me. "So . . . d'ya really think this can work, Sam? You staying in school and helping me hunt? I assume that's what you're planning, since you're still going to your interview and also talking 'bout checking out Colorado this weekend."

"I don't see why not, why we can't use Stanford as a base of operations. It's what other hunters do, like Bobby, Pastor Jim, and Caleb. And they have other jobs besides hunting too," I replied. "We don't have to do things the way Dad does. We can find out how we can balance hunting with still having a life."

"But is this something you even want to do? I mean, the whole reason you came out here was to get away from this shit! What happened to normal and safe?"

"You happened, Dee," I told him. "I'll be honest—I'd be perfectly content to stay out of hunting once we find Dad. But I know you want to be out there saving people, and I won't let you work alone. You're my priority, and I'll make everything else fit in somehow. If I want to be less like Dad, then I have to learn to compromise."

He frowned. "I dunno 'bout this. If you're only doing it for me—"

"Then it's about damn time that someone did!" I interrupted. "You've devoted your whole life to taking care of me and Dad, and you've gotten jack-shit in return because both he and I were only focused on what we wanted. Well, that's changed as of last night. I'm going to concentrate on what you want from now on, whether it's hunting or getting a job or anything else."

"Dude, what did I say 'bout turning everything into a giant chick-flick?" he protested. But his expression was pleased as he turned up the radio.

It wasn't much longer before we reached Palo Alto and pulled up in front of my apartment building. There was over an hour left before my interview, giving me plenty of time to shower, change, and gather the materials I'd need. I got out of the car and stretched before moving to the trunk.

My brother watched as I pulled my bag out. "What's the plan for talking to your girl? You want me to stay scarce?"

"I don't have the time to talk to her before the law school interview," I said. "So you're welcome to hang out here until I get back, as long as Jess doesn't mind. But once I sit her down to explain what's going on . . . it's probably best if it's just the two of us. There's a nice coffee shop around the corner you can wait at until I give you a call."

He nodded and followed me inside. I looked around a bit nervously when we entered the apartment, but there was no sign of Jess in the main room. I felt a pang of guilt at the sight of a plate of chocolate-chip cookies on the kitchen counter with a note stating, "Missed you! Love you!" Dean grabbed a couple of cookies and flopped on the couch while I moved into the bedroom.

I was about to call out Jess' name when I heard the shower running. So I dropped my bag on the bed instead and lay back beside it with my eyes closed, needing a moment to gather my thoughts before preparing for the interview.

A drop of something warm and thick splatted onto my forehead, followed by another. I reached up to touch the liquid and opened my eyes, staring at the red on my fingers in befuddlement. Then my gaze drifted upward, and I froze in horror.

Jess was pinned to the ceiling above me, her face contorted in fear and pain. Her long blond hair was fanned around her head, her limbs were splayed stiffly, and a long bloody cut over her stomach bisected her satin nightie. Every detail was exactly the same as in the nightmares which had been plaguing me nearly every night for the past week. I stared at her pale face for a moment, and then flames burst out from her body.

"NO! Jess! Jess!" I screamed before throwing an arm up to protect my face from the heat.

I could barely hear Dean shouting my name over the roar of the fire, and I continued to call out to her as he grabbed me and dragged me from the room. He paused by the front door to quickly check me over, then pulled me outside. I was vaguely aware of him banging on the doors to the other apartments as we made our way through the hall and down the stairs.

The next few hours passed in a blur. There were wailing of sirens and whirling of lights as fire trucks, ambulances, and police cars arrived on the scene, and then shouting and running as the various emergency responders did their jobs. I huddled on the hood of the Impala with my brother's arm around my shoulders and barely paid attention as he answered any questions directed at me.

I eventually found myself in a motel room a few blocks from the campus. Though it was only the middle of the day, I made no protest as Dean stripped us both down and tucked us into the single king bed. Safe in his arms, I finally let go of the fog wrapping around my mind. I buried my face in his shoulder and sobbed as I was wracked by grief, anger, regret, and more.

The strongest emotion running through me as I cried myself to sleep was guilt. Guilt that I'd ignored the warnings in my dreams, that I could've possibly prevented this tragedy. Guilt that I'd never told Jess the truth about my past, that I could've somehow prepared her for the horrors following my family. Guilt that I'd wronged her last night, that now I'd never be able to make amends. And most of all, guilt for the secret gladness I felt as I embraced Dean desperately—because if whatever had killed my mother twenty-two years ago had murdered Jess today to destroy who I loved the most, they killed the wrong person.