Warning: This chapter contains panic attacks. If you are sensitive to the subject of panic attacks, please click out of this story
Sunny days were typically spent by all of us wandering about the streets of Akatsuka, maybe aside from Choromatsu every now and again so that he could read or fill out a resume that was never going to get used. Jyushimatsu spent sunny days playing baseball on the fields, sometimes with Ichimatsu, other times alone. When Ichimatsu wasn't with Jyushimatsu, he could be found in alleyways, feeding or helping injured cats. Karamatsu would sometimes sit on the roof and play his guitar, maybe write a song or two, or just play freestyle tunes. Other times he could be found on his bridge where he scoped out the area for fine looking women that he could possibly dub as a Karamatsu girl, but he often turned up empty handed.
And I? I could be found at pachinko casinos as well as race horse competitions, and sometimes at bars alone. Walks were seldom, but they never went unenjoyed by me.
But neither did naps.
This had been a relatively beautiful day, my little brothers were all out doing their respectful activities to which I was slightly grateful for. Sleep for me was becoming less and less, and if my body some how let me nap, I would welcome said nap with open arms. I dozed on the couch, enjoying the silence that never seemed to be apparent in this household. Ever since I was small, there has always been a commotion and has always been some assortment of loud noise resonating throughout our house, and silence going through the home didn't even happen at night, what with various snoring brothers.
So the silence was very much welcomed by me.
I couldn't tell you how long I had fallen asleep. It couldn't have been too long, no. When I had fallen asleep, the clock had read 1:09 P.M.. So when he had burst through the door slamming it shut behind him quickly and taking in heaving breaths, I knew it must have still been early enough for it to be hot outside for him to be panting the way he was. I wasn't sure exactly who it was, for I kept my eyes closed hoping that whichever brother barged in to the house like that would go up to another room and get whatever they forgot or simply do whatever they wanted such as sleep or read or anything of these sorts. Perhaps they wouldn't bother me if they saw me sleeping, even though I was sentient, just refusing to open my eyes.
The loud pants never stopped, and a few times it even sounded as if they were chocking on their own breath, which confused me. That's not what normal panting sounded like...but since when had we ever been normal? I heard the running of shoe covered feet run across the floor, which was not allowed and seen as disrespectful. This alarmed me even more. Everyone knew better than to walk on the floor with shoes on. Mom only allowed it when there was an emergency which scarcely happened.
"O-Osomatsu-n-n-niisan? K-K-Karamatsu-n-nissan? A-Anyone?" The frantic voice asked, his breathing only seeming to grow worse. "C-Can't...b-b-breathe." He obviously must have not seen me on the couch when he walked in since he was calling out for people he wasn't sure were home. But if he couldn't breath, his vision may be going hazy or he may be to focused on trying to get oxygen to pass through his lungs. As soon as he said he couldn't breathe, I was quick to jump up and off the couch to my younger brother.
I knew it was Choromatsu the moment he spoke. Of course it wouldn't have been Karamatsu, for he would have only called for me or maybe no one at all, but he most certainly would not call out to himself. Ichimatsu would call out for Jyushimatsu and vice versa with Jyushimatsu, though he was a bit flexible with all of us. Todomatsu would have probably asked for Choromatsu or maybe even Jyushimatsu. Choromatsu always needed a big brother during times of stress or fear. He never did enjoy bothering his younger brothers with his problems.
"Hey, hey, hey, Choromatsu, what happened? What's got you all riled up?" I asked softly, not attempting to touch him in case that would make him worse. Was this a panic attack? We all had suspicions of Choromatsu having an anxiety disorder and even offered to take him to the doctor to get him tested for one, but he always shot down the offer claiming he was fine. Why the hell didn't the doctors test him for anxiety when Karamatsu had taken him to the hospital the first time he had had one?
This definitely wasn't fine.
His hands were shaking and his skin was so awfully pale. His eyes had tears in them from fear, I assumed. "C-Can't breathe!" He repeated. I nodded gently and lead him to the couch after asking if holding his hand was ok, to which he replied yes. I sat him down on the couch and sat next to him.
"Try to match my breathing, ok, Choromatsu?" I asked calmly, before taking in a deep breath, waiting for him to attempt to match it. He shook his head in fear, breathing still way out of sequence. At this rate, I was afraid that he was going to pass out.
"C-Can't! Can't!" He yelled in a panic, eyes starting to droop a bit. I shook my head at him, holding his hands in mine carefully.
"You need to try for me, Choromatsu. Please? For onii-chan?" I asked softly before taking in another breath, waiting for his attempt. I can't tell you exactly how proud I was when he finally decided that it was worth a shot to try and match up my breathing. He got in a successful breath, the first regular breath he's probably been able to breathe in the past ten minutes, perhaps. When he went to exhale, the breath caught in his throat, and he choked causing him to panic and resume his previous panic. I shook my head. "It's ok, Choro, lets try again, ok? Follow my breathing." I instructed. Again, I took in a deep breath, and again he mimicked it. When I went to exhale this time, however, he exhaled without choking on his own breath, much to my thankfulness.
This went on for several more minutes until he was able to breathe fine on his own. He looked sleepy, and I knew that he must have been. If I was unable to breathe well for as long as he, I would be sleepy as well. He slouched slightly on my shoulder. I noticed how awkward he must have felt, eyes directly looking towards my still virgin area whilst his head continued to lean against my shoulder. I moved a bit, situating him so that his head rested in my lap. I kept my hands in his, rubbing the back of his hands with my thumbs in small, soothing circles. His eyes were shut, but I knew he wasn't asleep. He was only resting.
"Choro," I say softly, not trying to disturb him after what I could only assume was a panic attack, "what triggered that? Did something happen?"
He was silent for a moment or two, not really wanting to speak. Which I couldn't exactly blame him for. If I had gone through an attack like that, I would only want to sleep, but as a big brother I had to know what happened. Had someone hurt him? Physically or mentally? It didn't look like he had any bruises from what I could see, but that didn't mean that there wasn't any underneath his hoodie or pants. Not that I was going to look for any either, if that was the case. What if he witnessed something traumatizing? Did someone else get hurt? Did something trigger a bad memory? Call me selfish, but not knowing what happened was absolutely killing me.
"I started thinking," He finally spoke after perhaps five minutes after I had asked what I asked. "I don't know why I started thinking the way I did, all I know is that I started to think, and I couldn't stop." His eyes remained closed and his skin was still a sickly pale. His hands had a gentle quake to them while still in my hands. He and I used to be so close when we were younger. We used to always play together and share secrets, no matter how embarrassing or bad they were. And we would keep them, and never share them with another soul.
What happened to those days?
"Do you wanna tell me what you're thinking about?" I asked, still rubbing circles on his hands. I felt his grip on mine tighten and his eyes scrunch a tad bit tighter in their closed state. "It may help so you may not have an attack about this again." I explained a bit.
He seemed to be thinking it over, weighing his options. "I..." He paused, words getting caught on his tongue. "I worry." He said, and ended it there. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to word his next sentence, but the silence drug on for too long for me to not say anything.
"I know you worry, Choromatsu," I joked. "You always do that. You need to be more specific."
His eyes scrunched in a way that only screamed 'Shut up, Osomatsu-niisan' all over. "It's just that...I don't know. You all worry me," He said, rolling onto his side, disconnecting his hands from my own. His eyes faced the back of the green couch but remained closed. "Karamatsu, he's painful as hell, but with what happened that one night...it scared me. It only made me realized how mean some people can be and how susceptible he is to that. As painful as he is, he's really kind. All he does is try to help others, and he's shat all over for it. I thought he was gonna die that night," Choromatsu said, tears peeking out from the corners of his closed eyes. As much as this worried me, I knew he wasn't finished. "Then there's Ichimatsu. He's just...so sad all the time almost. Unless he's with Jyushimatsu, then he's usually in a good mood. But when he's alone, he neglects himself. I'm scared that one of these days he's going to completely neglect himself and get himself killed be it from a car, starvation, or purposely from his own hand. Then...Then Jyushimatsu, I know he's always smiling, but I know that a lot of what the other kids said in high school stuck with him, no matter how much he denies it. He's going to get himself hurt or worse, and Totty is always on social media sites. What if he gets bullied online and becomes depressed and gets bad thoughts? What if he becomes so popular someone tries to go after him and possibly kill him?" By this time, Choromatsu has curled himself up into a tight ball, eyes scrunched painfully tight and even a tear streaking down his cheek. I opened my mouth to say something more, but he continued.
"And then...you..." He opened tear filled eyes and directed them to me along with a shaky pointer finger, "you...you could get drunk one day and get into a fight with someone. I've witnessed you do it before. You could lose the fight or get into serious trouble. Someone could use you for more than just a punching bag, and you...you..." He couldn't continue as big fat tears began to stream down his face and soft sobs began to tear from his throat.
My eyes were wide. I had never seen him this emotional about all of us or caring. I was quick to sit him up and throw my arms around him. I wrapped him in a hug to which he was very quick to return. I held him like my life depended on it as his hands clawed for the fabric of my hoodie to attach himself to. "Choro, none of that is ever going to happen. I promise," I told him, rocking him a bit. "If someone messes with one of us, they mess with all of us. Plus, onii-chan is way too nosy to let anyone have a 'private life'. I'm not going to let anyone get hurt like that," I said softly, my hands wandering up to his head to tangle my fingers into his hair. "Not Karamatsu, Ichimatsu, Jyushimatsu, Totty, myself, or you. Everyone's safe. Niisan will make sure of that," I said, wet stains making themselves evident on my red hoodie. After a moment or so, he finally began to calm down from his rant over things that could happen, but things that I would never let happen. "Wanna go take a nap?" I asked him, ready to pick him up and carry him to the futon.
He nodded but whined in protest when I attempted to stand up. "Can...Can we just nap here?" He asked bashfully.
I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss this side of Choromatsu. The cuddly and loving one rather than the high strung, anxious, and serious one. He used to always be down for a hug and the occasional cuddle, but ever since middle school years, he said that he was too old for cuddles. Hell, I'm older than him, and I don't think I'm too old for cuddles. If I'm being honest, I don't get enough of them.
"Of course." I told him, situating him so that he was completely in my lap. His cheeks reddened, eyes darting to the door and window, making sure no one could see us.
"N-Niisan...this is embarrassing." He said. There was the old Choromatsu.
"Not really," I stated, taking a blanket off from the back of the couch. "I'm just taking a nap with my dear little brother who gave his niisan quite a fright. I don't see anything embarrassing about napping with a little brother that just went through an anxiety attack, do you?" I asked, throwing my arms across his waist and closing my eyes.
"Well, no...I guess not...but what if the others see us?" He asked as he laid on top of me. Yes, he weighed a bit, but not too much to be too big for me. None of my brothers could be too big for me.
I shrugged lazily. "Wouldn't be the first time, and it most certainly won't be the last. If I had one yen for each time I've been caught cuddling with one of you guys, I would probably be a billionaire," I told him with a slight smile crossing my lips. "Let's not worry about the others. I've cuddled with all of them already, and all of you have walked in on us. It doesn't matter. You're my little brother and I'm never going to stop cuddling with any of you, so if they see, let them see. They'll leave us alone, and they won't bring it up ever. They all know the exact same thing has happened to them. So...are we gonna nap or what?" I asked, already feeling sleep press heavily against my eyes.
After a moment or so of not receiving an answer, I cracked my eye open to see what the hold up was only to see a sleeping Choromatsu resting his head against my chest. I couldn't help the chuckle that tore through my throat. I leaned forward gently so as to not disturb him and placed a soft kiss against his forehead. "Love you, Choromatsu. I love all of you so much." I whispered before leaning my head back against the arm of the couch. Before I fell asleep, I could have sworn I heard Choromatsu say something else.
"We love you, too, Osomatsu-niisan."