Warning: This chapter contains self harm. If this topic is triggering to you, please click out of this story.
I'll be honest, I never had a fantastic relationship with Ichimatsu. Of course, we didn't hate each other, and I would still gladly die for him and do anything at all for him. As children we still played with each other and had fun, but he never really wanted to spend time with me, nor did I ever really attempt to carve any time out with him.
He always hung around Jyushimatsu and insisted they play together. Although, once we all hit high school, Jyushimatsu and Ichimatsu began to grow apart. I remembered Ichimatsu becoming more introverted and Jyushimatsu becoming more...depressed.
Although, this part of the story doesn't occur during our high school years. I believe it to be around our twentieth birthday or so. It had been a rough day with many losses at pachinko and running in to old friends from school who had become much more successful than I within the short span of two years. I had kicked a pebble as I worked on the trek home. I hated living in the constant reminder that one day everyone was going to move out, get a job, get married and have kids. The six of us would be apart and maybe never see each other again.
I still hate it.
If I could, I would keep everyone together for as long as I possibly could. No matter how much they seemed to hate me. But I knew that eventually they would all want to move away and get on with their lives. Choromatsu had already been searching for jobs as well as college campuses that he could possibly attend. If any one of us was going to accomplish anything like that soon, it would definitely be him. He was ambiguous and more determined than the rest of us. I wasn't ready to give that up.
Upon entry of our home, I noticed Mom in the kitchen, cutting up pears much to my pleasure. Us sextuplets go through pears faster than any other food. She seemed slightly startled at my entry before looking bashful or disappointed, I can't pinpoint which one, with her hand going to the back of her neck, her elbow making a triangle shape. "Aw no. I was hoping I would be able to get these all cut up and hidden before any of you got home or noticed. I wanted to surprise my precious sons." She explained. God bless that woman's soul. She always put us first, even when we didn't deserve it. Well, even though I didn't deserve it.
There were plenty of pears already sliced and diced in the giant salad bowl she had placed aside. I was shocked to see the amount of pears still left to cut. There were so many. How on Earth did our neighbor grow this many pears? Unless they had some stocked up over the months. "Would you like some help, Mom? I can help cut them and not tell the others until you present them." I explained, already moving to wash my hands. She smiled widely at the offer and nodded. Even with her aging features, I tell you, she looked astounding. Father had definitely chosen a fine woman to be his wife.
"Yes, please, Osomatsu. Thank you so much." She said, her smile not ending. So that's where Jyushimatsu got his smile. I couldn't help smiling at her own. I was quick to lather my hands in soap at the kitchen sink, rinsing them off thoroughly. I dried them off before going to the kitchen drawer that contained several chopsticks and knives. I searched through the knives, looking for an adequate one for peeling and dicing pears. I smiled when I found one, but upon expecting the drawer once more, I frowned.
"Mom, how many knives like this do you have?" I asked, holding up the knife I had just pulled out. She inspected the knife I was holding up before giving an answer.
"I should have three. I'm using one, and if you use that one, there should still be one more in that drawer. Why do you ask?" She asked me, an eyebrow cocked.
I looked once more just to make sure my suspicions were confirmed. When I was sure, I answered. "There's only two, the one you're using and the one that I'm holding. Are you sure you have three? Have you used the other through the week? You're the only one that goes in the kitchen." I explained, walking back over to her. I thought this to be odd. None of us cooked aside from Mom. None of us knew how, not even Dad. Sure, we could make instant ramen, but that didn't require a knife. All of the foods that we knew how to make were simple and didn't require any source of cooking knowledge-aside from common sense-or knives.
She shook her head. "No, I haven't used any others, and I know for a fact I have three," She said, confusion evident in her own voice. She pondered this conundrum for a moment before shrugging. "I guess I may have just lost or misplaced the other. No big deal. I can get a new one if the need arises." She said before turning back towards the pears and continuing to cut them up.
If Mom wasn't concerned, there was no need for me to be, either. I turned towards her and helped her cut and scrub the delicious fruit. It didn't take us too long to finish the rest, not nearly as much time as it would have taken her to cut them on her own. Once we finished, she gave me a fond smile and ruffled my hair. "Thank you, my Osomatsu. You were a big help today." The sense of praise gave me such a nostalgic feeling, that I nearly forgot that I was twenty years old. I almost responded with calling her mommy, but quickly stopped myself. God, how I would have never lived it down if Mom told the others that I had called her Mommy, had I actually called her the child phrase.
"No problem, Mom." I told her, wiping a finger underneath my nose. She let out a small laugh before hugging me softly. This was a bit of a foreign feeling. I wasn't used to this that much. Yeah, Mom always told us that she loved us when were children, but with the amount of antics we all tried to pull, especially me, I sometimes doubted how much she actually loved us. Correction, I sometimes doubted how much she actually loved me.
"I've sensed a bit of stress in you," She said, not breaking the embrace. Her statement brought shock to my face, but of course, she could not see, for my chin rested upon her shoulder. "Are you ok? Do you need to talk?"
I was half tempted to confide in her and tell the truth. But my pride buckled me down and I denied the tempting offer. "I'm ok, Mom, really." I told her. She gave a small sound of unconvincing protest, but she nonetheless let go.
"If you say so," She said to me, concern still evident in her eyes. "If...If you ever need to talk, I'm here. And I know talking to your mom can be embarrassing at times," She said with a bit of a laugh, "so your brothers and father are here. We're all here and willing to talk to you. Just because you're the oldest NEET doesn't mean that you can go around neglecting yourself." She finished with a kind smile. She always was a kind woman. I was undeserving of her to be my mother. I couldn't help the wet feeling from rising at the back of my eyes. I was quick to blink the feeling away and put on a smile, rubbing my nose with my index finger.
"Gosh, Mom, thanks. You sure know how to get to my heart." She shook her head with her smile.
"I better. I've known you all for twenty years now. And trust me, giving birth to all six of you was no easy chore, either." She joked which caused me to groan.
"Mom, please, don't talk about our birth," I pleaded jokingly. She laughed at me, patted my head, then walked to the door. I watched her as she slipped her outdoor shoes on, an eyebrow of mine cocking up in confusion. "Where you headin' out to, Mom?"
She looked back to me as she slid the front door open. That door had been at this house for the entire time I had been alive, and probably plus a few years. It was obvious that by now the door would creak and make some assortment of noise. "I'm heading to the grocery store. I'll be back in an hour or so. I think Ichimatsu's upstairs if you want someone to play with." She said as if we were still small children. My arm outstretched along with my mouth opening to protest her statement, but she had already left, and my voice was long gone.
After a moment, I snapped out of it and shook my head. Ichimatsu sure was being quiet if he was home. I had thought that Mom and I were the only ones home. Not that Ichimatsu wasn't quiet to begin with, but I would have expected him to at least have been downstairs with Mom. Despite his introverted tendencies, Ichimatsu never denied time with Mom or whenever she needed help. I feel we were all like that, however. No matter our personalities, when it came to our parents, we did anything and everything for them.
Sighing, I made my way to the steps and placed a single foot on the bottom step.
Have you ever had that feeling that something was wrong? Although, you were standing not even a room away from a place and felt fine, the moment you go to another room...you just get this sense of dread?
As soon as my foot was placed on that step, that's how I felt.
The feeling worried me and propelled me to go up the stairs. I peeked around the corner, wondering if someone was in here that shouldn't be. But I didn't see anyone. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. Everything was in place. Shaking my head, attempting to also shake the feeling, I headed to my shared room with my five little brothers. I had some 18+ manga in there that I could read. Of course it was hidden like any normal man would do with manga that could technically count as porn.
I slid the door open to which Ichimatsu must have not heard for he didn't move at all. He was facing his corner, a small kitten circling around him. "Slow day, eh, Ichimatsu?" I asked, scaring him out of what looked like a dazed state. I heard a clatter which alarmed me. I hadn't noticed him holding anything when I entered. Not only that, but I didn't believe that anything he owned made a noise like that.
"Uh..." Why were his sleeves up? "Yeah...slow day," He said in his normal monotone voice. I couldn't help but stare at him. He made no effort to look at me, he only struggled to get his sleeves down quickly. Too quickly for it to not look suspicious. "What are you doing home, anyway?"
I leaned against a wall, further observing his actions. He seemed...off. Not saying that Ichimatsu wasn't off on a normal day. His normalcy was off to anyone who understood human interactions. "Got bored," I stated plainly. I knew Ichimatsu was uncomfortable. I could feel it in the air. He wasn't comfortable with me in the room. He wasn't comfortable with me, period, but more so this time. "So..." I said, drawing out my o, "what were you doing?"
He stiffened immediately. It almost appeared as if he knew that that question was going to be asked, but perhaps not so soon. He began to shake slightly. "Nothing. Playing with this kitten." He replied smoothly. I noticed that he was wearing his white and purple hoodie. The purple sleeves seemed to become tinted a bit darker in certain spots, causing my eyes to wide.
"Ichimatsu..." I began, but I didn't know where I was going with that sentence. He hmm'd at me in response, but I couldn't speak. All I could do was walk closer to him, grateful that he was already cornered. He had turned around already, any sign of him holding an object earlier hidden. His eyes went wide, but were still somehow narrowed.
"Osomatsu-niisan...what are you-" I was quick to grab onto his arm to which he tried to fight me to get out of my grip. "Get off me, you useless eldest brother!" He yelled out of anger and...a bit of fear. I didn't listen though. Everyone knew that I was the strongest out of all of us, much to the others' dismay. Jyushimatsu was a very close second, however. I struggled slightly to move his sleeves up, but with the way he was struggling, it was easiest to just take his hoodie off of him completely.
And once I did, I couldn't tell you how wide my eyes became.
There were so many cuts. So much blood.
So many scars.
"T-The cat-" He tried to lie, but all too soon, an object fell out of the pocket of his hoodie. I gasped.
Mom's missing knife...
I picked up the sharp object that was tinted in Ichimatsu's red blood.
When I looked back up at the fourth brother, I noticed tears in his eyes. Whether they were from sadness, pain, or anger, I still don't know. Maybe a bit of all three. He made a lunge at me, hand outstretched to grab at the knife. "Give it back!" He yelled at me, to which I moved out of the way to prevent from getting barreled into. I shook my head, whispering something under my breath that sounded equivalent to no. He didn't stop trying to get the sharp object from me. He could hardly keep up with my dodges. "G-Give it back, you stupid eldest brother!" He yelled, a tear falling from his eye and down his face.
Yes, I had had thoughts like this, too, I was sure almost everyone did, nowadays, but I never went with it. I couldn't. And now to see my littler brother going through this, it hurt. "No, Ichimatsu." I state. He pounced towards me again, knocking me back towards the window. He smiled at me horrifically, believing he had me cornered. I looked around me, trying to quickly think of a way to get the object away from him. I realized that right behind me was the window. I stared at Ichimatsu for a moment longer before turning around quickly, opening the window, and looking for a good spot.
No one was walking on the sidewalk, thankfully. I had full availability to any target. I made a notice of the sewer grate on the sidewalk and was quick to throw it at the sewer grate, feeling a wave of relief as I watched it fall down the hole. I breathed heavily in triumph for a moment before looking back.
My breath was taken away.
Ichimatsu was just standing there, eyes shadowed over by his hair, a horrifying smile on his face. "Heh," He chuckled slowly. "You...You know I can just...go down stairs and get more knives...right?" He looked up so that his eyes were no longer shadowed. I could see tears streaming from his eyes, but his smile was still on his face, eyes still half lidded as well.
I was shocked. I took a small step back, my back hitting the wall and thankfully not the open window. I looked at him for a while as tears continued to fall from his eyes. His breathing was harsh, almost as if he was sobbing silently, his breathing being the only indication that he was crying. I took a small step towards him.
Then another.
And another.
Then I did something that I thought none of us would ever be able to do and not get killed, aside from Jyushimatsu.
I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him close to me.
I could feel his breath immediately leave his lungs. He struggled slightly, attempting to get out of my grip. But the more he tried to get out of my grip, the stronger I held him. Eventually, he realized that I wasn't going to let him go, and he surprisingly stopped struggling. I held him close, able to feel wetness on the shoulder of my hoodie from his tears. When I was sure he wasn't going to try to run from me, I moved my fingers up to his hair and began to stroke it softly. His hair was all messy and at some places matted, but I nonetheless felt the instinct to pet his hair. Despite its rough look and matted parts, his hair was silky and soft. I made a mental note to offer to wash his hair that night for him so I could get the matted pieces unmatted.
I could tell by the tenseness of his arm that his arm was straight by his side and clenched in a fist. Both were. I knew he wasn't going to make any assortment of effort to try and hug me back, but that didn't matter to me. "Why...Why would you want to do that?" I asked in response to his statement of him saying he could go downstairs and get another knife. Multiple if he really wanted. The response caught him off guard, his mouth sucking in an extra breath that was unneeded. I could practically feel his eyes widen.
He sucked in another breath that sounded as if it was through clenched teeth, and the next thing I know is that his fists are clenching onto my hoodie and loud sobs are wracking through his throat. I never thought I'd live to see the day that Ichimatsu sobbed the way that he was, and now that I knew that I would, I really wish I hadn't.
It was heartbreaking to witness him so broken. His knees began to give out, and I sunk to the ground with him. My arms stayed wrapped around him, and his hands continued to clench at my hoodie. I placed my forehead on top of his head, his hair feeling soft against my forehead. I waited and waited for his crying to subside, and for a moment I thought it wasn't ever going to stop. It may have been the better part of an hour before he started to stop crying.
I give his head a gentle kiss. "It's going to get better." I told him, rubbing his back softly.
He shook his head. "No...no, no, no, it's not. That's what they all say, but it never does." He sobbed, grip getting tighter. I shush him sweetly, situating him so that he sits on my lap.
"It will," I tell him, rocking back and forth. "You're not going through this alone. Niisan is here. And so is Karamatsu, Choromatsu, Jyushimatsu, and Todomatsu."
"Don't bother the youngest ones," Ichimatsu told me, sniffing softly. "They shouldn't have to bear to my issues."
Maybe he and I weren't as different as I originally thought.
"Nonsense," I said with a very small chuckle, though there was no humor behind it, "everyone cares about you, Ichimatsu. Especially, Jyushimatsu. You two are best friends. He loves being with you and I can tell that the feeling is mutual. He would want to know about this. And Todomatsu...he's heartless in some departments, but when it comes to something like this, I'm sure he would want to know," I hesitantly move out of the hug and get a look at him. His eyes are red from crying, his skin is pale, and his arms have clotted up. In other words, he looked horrible. But I prefer him look like this than have gone unnoticed with this whole ordeal. "Besides, we need to keep you on watch now."
He hummed in a knowing tone. I sit there, rubbing my hands together before standing and extending my hand out to him. "C'mon. Let's go wash your arms up." He looked up at me, taking my hand in his own. I hoisted him up on his feet, careful so I didn't agitate his arm. I led him to the bathroom where I washed his cuts and bandaged them up.
It was difficult telling the others about a matter this serious, including Mom and Dad. In the end, we all chose to get him a psychiatrist and a counselor and hide all of the cutlery and sharp objects.
I was glad that Ichimatsu was willing to work with us through this.