Thursday, 14 April 1814
To myself,
On this day, we departed from Longbourn for Clitheroe and have stopped for the evening in Hardingstone, in Northampton. I arranged the best of carriages that I possibly could for my Catherine in regards to space and comfort, but I know that it will never be as good as a warm and comfortable bed. When we left this morning, it was hard for Catherine to say goodbye to her family, as she had never in her nineteen years been apart from any member of her family for an extended period of time...
I stood aside as Catherine said her farewells to her mother and father and to her two sisters, whom she had grown used to being away from. I suppose she feared that she was saying goodbye for the final time, although a small part of me knew that this wouldn't be the last time she'd see them. But it was when she said goodbye to one of her brother-in-laws, Mr. George Wickham. Mr. Edward Casey was cheerful in his farewell to her and wished her the best, swearing to write a composition in her name and honour, but Mr. Wickham, whom I have had the misfortune of knowing far too long, looked at her with a lustful reproach. I had known him when he had attempted to elope with Georgiana a few years before, but his interaction with Catherine was very much unexpected.
"Farewell to you, Mrs. Fitzwilliam, hopefully not for the last time, yes?" he'd said to her.
"Oh, I'm sure it won't be," Catherine replied meekly, not meeting his eyes. It was very uncharacteristic for her and not at all a way my Catherine would behave.
"Come and give your dear brother a hug, won't you?" he said with a smirk, and Catherine took a step back from him.
"I wouldn't wish to risk you catching ill," she said, rather monotone. My Catherine's tone of voice was always colourful but this tone was rather grey.
"My dear sister, come and give us a hug-" He took hold of her wrist and she recoiled away, her eyes widened in fear, and I stepped from the shadows and took my Catherine's shoulders in my hands.
"George, do let her be. She isn't well," I said as politely as I could, and Wickham took a step back. I hated that this man was now my brother by marriage, but it couldn't be helped, for I loved my Catherine and married her family as well as her.
"Very well, then," he said coldly. "Here's to hoping she makes it, then, yes?"
"Indeed," I replied. "Come, my love, and let us set on our way. We've a long journey ahead of us."
"How far is Clitheroe from here?" she asked me as I led her away from Wickham.
"About three days by carriage. No fear, my dear, for we shall be there in no time. I expect you to get plenty of rest as we journey there," I told her.
"I plan on sketching the countryside. It will keep my restless mind at ease," she said to me.
"Catherine, your hand will only slip. The path is not a smooth one-"
"It will add to my style, then, won't it?" She turned to her mother and father one final time. "Be sure to write to me. I will write as often as I can. I don't want to miss a thing."
"You will do as you're told and listen to your husband when he tells you to rest," said Mr. Bennet. "He is wise and you are in good hands. You ought to recover quickly in his care."
"Papa! I will of course rest plenty, but that does not mean that I can't be updated on the family affairs! I want to know how my lovely niece is doing and Lizzy, as well, and I will be very upset if I am not told when Jane's baby is born!" Catherine cried with a smile.
"I will of course write to you, dear, when beautiful Jane has her child!" Mrs. Bennet exclaimed, then she turned to me. "Now, you take good care of my daughter. If she gets any worse, you will have me to deal with!" I chuckled lightly and smiled warmly at her.
"You've nothing to worry about, Mrs. Bennet. My dear mother will also be tending to her at our estate in Clitheroe and she had attended to Catherine during her illness this past winter. She will be in very good hands," I assured her. We said another round of farewells before I assisted Catherine in climbing into the carriage, and I followed shortly after. I made sure that Catherine was well situated before I signaled the driver that we were ready for our journey, and we set off. As our carriage bumped along, I closed the curtains over the windows to allow my Catherine some privacy. "You ought to try resting your eyes," I told her, but she shook her head.
"I could never sleep in a moving carriage. Even attempting to makes me sick to my stomach," she replied.
"I see..." I paused a moment. "How does it feel, now, to be Mrs. Catherine Fitzwilliam?"
"Positively wonderful! I just wish I wasn't feeling so poor. I can't enjoy it, and neither can you."
"If you are referring to our not consummating our marriage last night, then Catherine, allow me to assure you that I do not need intercourse from you to be happy with you. I am just as happy being married to you." She smiled slightly, her cheeks turning a pale shade of rose.
"I'm glad to hear of it," she said, and she sat up and reached for my hand across the carriage.
"Catherine, lie down, please-"
"Can we not enjoy this moment together? I fear that we may not have the chance to again."
"My love, have faith-"
"I don't wish to discuss my lack of faith in myself, Richard. I wish to spend this moment with you in your arms, while I am well enough. I understand you wish to care for me as best as you can, but do stop being my physician for five minutes and be my husband instead."
"As your husband, it is my job to-"
"Then be my lover. Encase me in those strong arms of yours and keep me there until I desire to wiggle free." I smiled gently at her and gave her a happy sigh.
"Very well, then. You've won me over with your elegant charm." I reached over and lifted her from her seat, sitting down on the opposite side with her seated in my lap. She purred ever so softly like a kitten as I pressed my head against hers. "You sound like a very happy kitten." She scoffed.
"Please, my Richard, don't ever remind me of that terrible nickname again," she said, and I chuckled. "And don't laugh at me, either!"
"I promise you, my love, I am not laughing at you. Your very quirky personality amuses me so and reminds me every day of why I fell in love with you."
"You must really like bizarre things, then, if you are attached to my personality."
"I do. I rather enjoyed my time in the militia, seeing bizarre new places with bizarre new things to try out. I learned of many bizarre new cultures and tried many bizarre new foods and I suppose that interested stuck with me. I needed a bizarre new personality to tie myself to and I found you, my bizarre new girl."
"You intrigue me, Richard, for I cannot help but to love you more and more each day." I pressed my lips to the top of her head before I went to steal a kiss from her lips; she turned her head.
"Catherine-"
"I don't wish to get you sick, too, Richard. Only one of us can be ill, but not both. It will be so taxing on your dear mother."
"She's cared for me through many a childhood illness. All I want from you is a small kiss-"
"No! You needn't get ill, too! I need your strength, as you've said so many times before. Please, Richard, I don't wish to take the risk." I let out a defeated sigh. "Very well, my dear. If it pleases you, then I shall heed your request. Are you hungry?"
"If I eat, I shall regurgitate the contents of my stomach all over this carriage and most likely you." I couldn't help but laugh, in love with her very interesting choice of words.
"All right, my dearest love." I held her in silence for a little while longer, stroking her beautiful brown hair and gazing into her beautiful blue eyes when I recalled her interactions with Wickham before we left. "Catherine, what happened between yourself and Mr. Wickham?"
"I beg your pardon?" she asked me, slightly surprised.
"I am a rather intuitive and observant man - not much escapes my eye. Early, when you were saying farewell to your family, you recoiled from Mr. Wickham as if in terror. Being your concerned husband, I cannot help but wonder-"
"Nothing." She sat up and crawled to the other side of the carriage, leaving my lap bare.
"Catherine-"
"Don't question me about it, Richard. I don't wish to give you answers." I paused for a moment, wondering what on earth that snake of a man could have done to illicit such a harsh response from my sweet Catherine. My mind went wild with ideas, but one stuck out in my mind that angered me to even be aware of the existence of, let alone think of.
"What did that man do to you," I whispered to her. "He hurt you, didn't he?"
"I won't answer you, Richard."
"What was it that he did? Did he insult you? Or was it far worse? Did he hit you? Did he push you down the stairs? Did he-" I paused, not even able to allow the words to pass through my lips. "Did he... have his way with you..."
"I told you, Richard, I will not answer you." She must have seen the fear and worry in my eyes, for she then next said, "I am still in possession of my maidenhead. That you don't have to worry about." I let out a sigh of relief; I would not be spending the first few years of our marriage behind bars for murder.
"Rest, Catherine. You've had a very taxing few days. You must be tired." She complied, finally, and she lay down on the padded bench. I sat there in silence across from her while her gaze remained at the floor, my eyes darting between her and the countryside behind the crack in the curtains.
My mind goes wild with thoughts of what that wretched man did to my Catherine. I believe her when she declares that she is still in possession of her maidenhead, but I am not sure I trust her word when she declares that nothing happened. Whatever he did to her, he had better hope that I never find out about it, or perhaps he will not see another day.
I must turn in now, for my Catherine is calling for me. Though I angered her earlier in the day, she does not like falling asleep without me by her side. I will hold her close to me and forever protect her from the villainy of that wretched man, as well as from the wretched disease that ails her.
Yours,
Colonel R. Fitzwilliam