Kelly left the hospital after talking to Gabby and Matt and the couple sat in silence for a few minutes at the news that their friend may have a son. They were both stunned at the news and tried to be happy for their friend. But there was no denying the sting of the loss of their first child as well of the lingering grief over losing Louie to his biological father. It had been a long road but still the emptiness that Louie left was not something Matt and Gabby addressed often. The situation was over and done with and they had grieved together and separately. However, Kelly's announcement had reopened the topic once again for both of them.
Gabby was the first one to break the silence by saying, "Wow, Severide seemed nervous and excited about Jack. I would never have guessed in a million years what he came to talk to us about. I am happy for him."
Matt was sitting up in a chair beside his bed. He didn't say anything at first but fingered the arm of the chair lost in his own thoughts. Finally, he answered with a clipped response, "Yeah it's a surprise."
Gabby knew Matt well enough to know that there was a lot going on behind that short answer. She tried to choose her next words carefully, "What did you think about the advice I gave to him about the foster care system?"
Matt shrugged and turned to stare out of the hospital window, "I wish him luck. But you know it didn't turn out well for us?"
Gabby's eyes widened slightly and replied in a soft voice, "Baby, I know it still stings but we did what was best for Louie. We kept him safe until his dad was able to take him back. I miss him but I don't regret loving Louie or caring for him."
Matt's blue eyes looked up and met Gabby's dark brown ones but then he looked back toward the window without a reply.
"Baby, Matt, please talk to me. What is going on please?" Gabby moved to kneel beside Matt and covered his left hand with her own.
Matt shook his head and the let out an exasperated breath, "Look Kelly was married for three months and gets divorced, she moves away and now all of a sudden he has a son. We have struggled with everything and tried to do everything the right way. I mean, my famous line is let's do this right. And where has that gotten us? Why do I have to work so damn hard for a family? "
"Matt, you said we are a family. I am your family." Gabby reached to touch Matt's face and make him look at her in the eyes. What she saw reflected was all of the pain he normally pushed to the side and controlled. But now she saw all the hurt that he kept from her stemming from his own childhood.
"Gabby, I love you and from the moment we got together I have wanted to have a family with you. Hell, if I admit it to myself I have wanted a family for as long as I can remember. It's not that I love you any less but I want…."Matt's hurt filled voice trailed off into strained silence.
"Matt Casey, we will get there but in the meantime just focus on Violet me and your sister. In fact, let's plan a mini vacation with them as soon as we get out of here." Gabby tried to divert Matt's attention away from the conversation.
"Wow you ask me to open up and I do but then you change the subject. Why, Gabby? Does the truth hurt you as much as it does me? Kelly Severide walks through life with a golden ticket and skips all of the consequences. And now instead of trying to understand where I am coming from you want to change to conversation." Matt answered with a raised voice and pulled his hand away from Gabby.
Gabby stood and paused for a second and then turned her gaze toward the window, "Yes I changed the subject because I want you to see that you have me and some family. I can't deal with anymore grief. Matt I almost lost you and it made me realize how much we have. It made me regret every angry word and the year we spent apart because I was focused on my career more than us. And then when you spiked the fever and they had to take you into surgery, I was so scared of not getting a chance to make things right." Then Gabby's voice broke with the thought of almost losing Matt twice.
But Matt did not turn to soothe his wife but rose and went to get back in bed instead of go to comfort Gabby. He was ashamed of his reaction and did not want to talk about it anymore. "Yeah we should schedule a dinner with Violet and Christy and you can make your Dominican food."
Gabby turned to Matt and watch as he hoisted his legs gingerly into the bed. She then walked to the bed and sat down on the edge sideways. "Look I am sorry to have changed the subject. Can we talk about Kelly and us? Kelly is one of your best friends and we need to support him. You are the one who was there with him when Shay died. Severide just lost Anna. If Jack does turn out to be his son it will give him a purpose."
Matt's jaw sat into a stubborn line and replied with clenched, "I lost Hallie, Andy and my dad and now one of my men Mouch, so I know what it's like to lose someone. Severide was only with Anna a few months I was with Hallie for 8 years. So stop defending him and think about me and us." As soon as the words left Matt's mouth he regretted them immediately. He saw Gabby almost physically flinch as his angry words spilled out of his mouth. Her eyes welled up with tears and then her cheeks flushed.
Gabby stammered and stood up taking a step from the bed, "You forgot two…."
Matt cursed out of hurt and frustration rather than anger, "Damn it I did not forget two. That is my point Gabby, Jack would be around the age of our own baby. And I still keep Louie's picture in my wallet and look at it and try to picture how he has changed. I want to be happy for Kelly and I will be but just give me time to adjust to the news. "
"You mentioned Hallie… Why did you just mention her?", was all that Gabby replied.
"We are talking about the kids we lost not my ex fiancé." Matt stopped confused and bewildered by Gabby bringing up Hallie instead of acknowledging what he had finally admitted to his grief out loud.
"I am here now but sometimes I wonder if Hallie had lived if there would be an us as a couple at all. I mean we can't even talk about our grief without you bringing her up." Gabby said angrily ashamed of her sudden jealousy but was tired and overwhelmed at the loss and grief and her lack of sleep.
Matt was tired and agitated but softened realizing that both he and Gabby were tired and overwhelmed from the whirlwind of the last few days. His voice turned from anger as he opened his arms and motioned for Gabby, "Please come here. I don't want to fight anymore; I just want to hold you for a minute."
Gabby turned to see the openness of Matt's expression and something inside of her broke a little as she saw him so vulnerable. Normally Matt kept a tight rein on his feeling but today there was not avoidance in his expression. She knew him well enough to know that his family was a delicate subject. Suddenly, Gabby crossed the room in a second and fell gently into her husband's arms.
Matt wrapped his arms around her and whispered, "You are my family Gabby. The last face I saw before I passed out in the warehouse was yours."
Gabby responded by simply replied, "I love you. Sorry for being jealous."
Matt whispered again into his wife's ear, "There is nothing for you to be jealous of I promise."
They sat there holding each other not exchanging any more words for several minutes. Matt and Gabby both realized how close they had come to losing everything in the fire. This episode mirrored the one that had taken place after they lost their baby. But this time there was much more appreciation and growth from both of their past mistakes. After some time Gabby pulled away and leaned into Matt's left side.
"Gabby, we'll be there for him. I promise. Just today, I don't want to think or talk about Jack or Kelly. OK?" Matt could not put everything he was feeling into words. He just needed tonight to be with Gabby without the outside world being inside the hospital room with them.
"Sure, can we talk about how sexy you are when you hold me? Or can I tell you how I want to plan a date night that doesn't include Molly's or my dad or 51? It may or may not include a hot tub, a hotel room and a new outfit. How does that sound?" Gabby tried to lighten the mood by being loving and playful.
"Tell me more." Matts grinning face crinkled at the thought of his wife and a date night.
Gabby and Matt talked and joked long after visiting hours were over. They made plans for the future and talked and joked like best friends and lovers as evening turned into early morning. Tonight was not about anyone else outside of the two of them. If an outside observer had walked into the room they would have thought that Matt and Gabby looked more like a couple in a honeymoon suite rather than a hospital room.