A/N: Maybe the next chapter is more exciting than this one, you can complain, leave reviews, but in the end it is still my story to write ;D so bear with me ^^
"bla" normal talking
´bla´ OC thinking
´bla´ OC inner
Chapter 5: Feelings
Saturday
Today Shikamaru will pick me up to a date so I sat already in my outfit on my sofa reading a romance book.
It was just 1pm when I heard a knock on my door, so I stood up and made a last check of my outfit out of a simple long, purple pullover and normal, dark blue jeans and then opened the door.
Shika stood there not looking that different than normal just minus the green chunin vest and instead a simple dark brown jacket.
I raised a brow at him after taking his attire in, guessing it wouldn´t be a standard date, not with a genius like Shikamaru.
"How about a little walk first?" He asked me and I only answered by picking up my jacked and closed my door to join him outside.
He led us on the path through the quieter streets and avenues in the civilian district of Konoha. I really loved autumn, the weather and mostly the colours of the leaves so I nearly smiled the whole way. The sun was shining and bringing out the best of the season the bright red and yellow leaves.
Shika struck up some light conservation mostly about what I did in my free time or how nice the weather was and such things.
I initially blocked every thought of comparing this with Itachi out until this date was over.
We made our way to the park where I stopped and Shikas idea for this date finally began to dawn to me. There was hanging a big banner with the title "Team-art competition".
´For real?´
´You don't really like such things...to be compared to others´
´Yeah but I think...maybe-´
´Ah no better not try to guess his motive just go along with this´
"This will be our date?" I couldn´t hold this question back.
"Yeah, I thought you would like to see how we could work together" He gave me a sheepish smile and I instantly knew his strategy, to let me see for myself how it would be like to work with him to make my decision easier.
I laughed at the poor guy giving his best with this.
"Alright Shika, but just for you usually I don´t like to be compared to others" Taking his hand I pulled him to the little desk with some people who seems to organize this.
"Good day we are interest to practice in this competition, what do we need to do?" I asked directly the man sitting there looking over something like a list.
"Oh not much I will explain everything for you. You only need to sign your names here and we will give you a number, then you can choose a desk where you want to work, in 10 minutes we will begin and explain the next steps." Shika then took the pen and signed us both in and taking our number 24.
"Hmm...I think that one over there is nice a bit protected from the sun and rain" Shika nodded and followed me to our place.
The 10 minutes were over very fast and we hear a microphone being turned on and then a voice was heard from the man now standing in the middle of the pathway.
"Alright everyone I hope you are ready to begin, we have a lot of tools from wood over to paint and other things, you can do whatever you like we will just give you a theme. You all should do something that represent the spirit of autumn, you will have a total of 3 hours to do so ah and one rule. No use of chakra, please. Let´s start" The moderator cheered and at the same time the tents with the tools were opened.
Both Shika and me stood at our table thinking over how we will do this while others already stormed into the tents picking their things.
"What do you think we should do Shika? A picture? I´m pretty good at drawing"
"Hmm...I´m good at craving...why not make a little statue that I will crave and you will get to paint it?"
"Oh that sounds great"
"Then I will pick our tools and you start of thinking what motive to use" With that said he slouched over to the tent and I grinned at his little eager glint in his eyes.
´When he likes one things beside shogi and cloud watching it is to crave something out of the antlers from the deer's out of their forest.´
´Hmm...what to use as a motive...spirit of autumn...how about this harvest spirit the fox one or was he the so called errant box for this spirit?´
´Maybe, but to obvious...how about a board with all the seasonal fruits like grape and apples on it then paint it and-´
´Frame it with chosen leaves, that is a great idea´
In this moment Shika came back and I turned to him explaining my idea.
"Yeah that sounds great and makeable in the time frame" He mumbled already getting to work on his wood block.
With us growing up together we were done pretty fast and still had one hour left.
We both were eyeing our work when suddenly Shika touched my nose and I needed a second or two to note the cool wet feeling of his touch and my eyes widened.
"You-You-You just" I turned to him and he looked away whistling innocently, so I picked the thickest brush with paint and hurled it across his own face.
"Now we are even" I said grinning only to be met by a balloon bomb with paint.
´How?´
´More like: When!?´
We used the hour left with painting each other and it was really fun.
´This was different then from our date with Itachi´
In the end we got the second place, but we both didn´t care we had already our fun and he bought me home.
"That was really great Shika, thank you" I said and gave him a short kiss on the cheek, he smiled and then took my hand with his own and the other he laid on left cheek to hold me still so he could give me his own kiss on my right cheek.
"Thank you too Yuu" I grinned and then went on his own way home to take a shower.
I stood now in my own shower letting the warm and soothing water hit my skin, while I began finally to think over my feelings towards both Itachi and Shikamaru.
´You shouldn´t let them wait for a whole year, you know the live of shinobis are short´
´True...New year?´
´Symbolic, but sounds good´
I finished my shower and then went out again to the lake in the Nara forest.
´They both are great, Itachi is beside to his clans men a very caring person and Shika is maybe a lazy ass but still he is full of warmth...´
´Not thinking rationally when you begin to think like that you would rule out Itachi right away because you don´t like the clan politic of the Uchihas, while the Naras would welcome you with open arms´
´Right´
´Look deep inside you, you already had pictured them with a family, what do you feel when you put yourself in the place of their wife? Because girl we are for keeping´
I let the images from that time roll again before my closed eyes and put myself in the place of their wife and began carefully watch my feeling towards them.
´I can´t´
´?´
´At the moment both feels similar...I want both of their presence, by both I feel the warmth, the happiness but also a little bit doubt in both´
´Then we will wait a bit more´
I stayed until the sun began to fade and I then went home still mulling over my feelings.
Next week
They finally returned and were all in one piece and even unscratched, but it was only Tsunade and her escort, Pain went back to Ame something she wanted to talk with me about later. Following them, my eyes were glued to the ANBU who wore a crow mask and wearing a low ponytail.
I waited outside the office for nearly one hour before Tsunade called me inside. Shikaku, Inoichi, Hiruzen, Kakashi and Itachi were gathered inside, certainly some of them came through the window.
"Yuuki" Tsunade called my name mustering me over her folded hands and paused.
´Uh oh that doesn´t sound good´
´Don´t jinx it´
´I think that is already too late for that´
"We discussed this a long time, and with "we" I mean me, Shikaku and Pain. Akatzuki will search for the remaining Bijuus and they hope they can bring you one Bijuu per month "to get over with it" as Pain simply put it"
"The sealed ones?"
"He will start with them and tries to send the first one next month." Shikaku answered.
"I also made some thoughts about this "light" thing...I´m not entirely sure that I´m meant with that, I suspect that Naruto will play a greater role in this than me so I would like to get him in this team just to be sure"
´And not to do this alone...´
´Or little sunshine will help us for sure´
"Hmm, given the fact that he has the Kyuubi it could be an advance, and it will get him a bit away from this Obito incident." Shikaku mulled over my idea.
"By the way, thinking of that...what happened to Zetzu?" I asked.
"Sealed and buried away in the Uchiha district" Itachi was the one saying this with an impassive face, but his eyes smiled at me.
"So Zetzu is sealed away and Obito still on trial, the Bijuus will be gathered and somehow everything is alright?"
"When you put it like that it sounds like a catastrophe is heading our way" Inoichi said sweatdropping.
"I hope it will not, but only time will tell" I said smiling.
"So...was that all?" I looked at everyone if anyone had something to say.
"Yes you are all free to go now" Tsunade dismissed us while fumbling on the drawer in her desk surly thinking about drinking sake as long as Shizune doesn´t bothers to look.
I took the door aware of a silent presence following me until we reached the street outside. I turned to look at him and gave him a smile and a hug.
"Welcome home Itachi" his only answer was to wrap his own arms around me and nuzzle his head in my hair.
I needed to overcome the strong feeling to let myself fall in his arms, to never leave this place in his arms, but slowly I retreated.
"I need to talk with you" I said with a little sad tone in my voice, already knowing that he won´t react good to my decision to wait, to sort my own feelings and give them also time to think over their own feelings. He slowly le his arms drop to his side looking at me and then only nodded taking my hand and teleported us into his flat.
"Tea?"
"Ah...maybe next time" I knew that my smile was forced and let his warning bells go off but I couldn´t help myself there.
He just looked now at me waiting.
´God I hate it when I´m too nervous I can´t form coherent sentences´
´Let me help you to get over this´
I could feel my logical self seeping into me calming me down so far that I could rush out what I needed to say.
"I need time and distance, between me and both you and Shikamaru, I´m confused not knowing my true feelings for either of you and I don´t want to hurt any of you with this, just give me time until I have sorted out my feelings" I gave a short sad smile and turned around leaving his apartment and went on my way to my own.
´That hurt´
´Not only you´
I had seen his face, it was stony but his eyes were so sad, but at the same time understanding, still it couldn´t hide the short look of hurt in them.
After that day it became a routine to go out with all of my friends but keeping my distance from Shikamaru and Itachi, after said gathering I went to either to the willow tree or the clearing in the Nara forest, trying to sort my feelings for both of them until the time came when the first Bijuu arrived, sealed into a scroll. Nibi the two tailed or actually called Matatabi, the cat.
It was the end of November when Naruto and I were called into the Hokage office only to be lead underground into a special room.
"Baa-chan you called us?" Naruto greeted Tsunade like he always didn´t not on bit put out by the ominous dark room we stood in.
Tsunade didn´t react this time on the hint on her true age, but turned around looking at us holding a scroll.
"I did, we received the Nibi from Nagato, he was also so friendly to give us an explanation with it how this should work. Naruto only needs to activate this little seal here and the room here will reflect the inside of the scroll so you don´t need to get inside or the Nibi outside, pretty easy, but still please don´t agitate it. We will be watching from another room if you need any help"
With that she gave Naruto the scroll and went outside closing the door after her.
"Then should we-"
-poof-
´Really now? He didn´t wait?´
´That is Naruto don´t count on him to be predictable´
"Roaarrr" I big blue cat sprung out of nowhere direct in front of us and attacked with drawn claws, but the they just went right through us, still I made a jump backwards.
"Hay, Nibi right?" Naruto greeted the beast with a bright and wide smile, and I could only admire him for his steadfastness.
"Human grrr what do you want?" She hissed out and baring her fangs at us, clearly being frustrated that she can´t do anything to us.
"Nothing just talking that is all" Naruto answered and I made again a step forward to stand beside him. Matatabis eyes shortly flickered to me and then remained.
"You" she laid down so she could get a clearer look at me.
"You are different, who are you?"
"My name is Yuuki" I said stepping forward and did the same as with the Kurama when he was calm for a moment and like him Matatabi flinched away after receiving my memories.
"I see" She murmured before she began pacing up and down.
"What will you do now with me?" She finally asked.
"We are giving you the choice to be put again into a Jinchuuriki or set you free, but for that we must be sure of you not attacking any humans until they attack you" I said while watching this giant blue cat.
She snorted at that that soon went over an all-out laughter.
"And why should I trust you?"
"Because we stand true to our promises" Naruto said raising his fist and smiled at Matatabi.
"I will think over it, come back in a year or so" then she turned around dismissing us and Naruto went and activated the seal on the scroll again returning everything like it was before.
"This went great" Naruto cheered while we went outside to meet the others.
"A whole year, a long time" Shikaku mulled over the whole conservation thinking of different ways to convince the cat to an early decision.
"We still have 5 more to go, when they all decide to wait so long we could get a problem housing so much power" Ibiki remarked.
"Maybe...when we got them all together...it could help to talk with them all at once" I offered.
"Then we need to send word to Kumo and Suna" at that Tsunade sighted.
"The damm A is a big pain in the ass to deal with" She grumbled.
"Then we didn´t get very far" I said a bit depressed on this short talk with no achievement.
"Not really, but we now know that this room functionate to talk with the Bijuus without danger and also that Yuukis form of showing her memories works for them, this is still a success"
I thought a moment over that and nodded.
´Small success is still success´
"Do we need to talk more of this or can we go?" I asked needing to get out of this building, showing the Bijuus was like watching all of this again, bringing up memories that should better be forgotten.
"Yeah it is alright go you two I will call for you should I need you." I nodded and turned ignoring the concert look on Itachis face who stood still behind Tsunade.
When I finally reached the lake in the Nara forest I was breathing hard and fighting a break down in tears. The time flows different while I somehow show the Bijuus my memories, they can also decide to go fast forward or at a slower pace to look on some memories in more detail.
Matatabi was interest in my former love live and god knows why, but they were experience that I wasn´t proud of and wanted to forget.
Flashbacks
Former live 15 years old, 1st boyfriend
We knew each other pretty long already for 6 months but it was a long distance relationship and it was hard over the time until the first date came.
We were sitting in a park and he asked suddenly a strange question that let me hesitate.
"Can I touch your boobs?"
"Huh!? No"
I thought he wasn´t like that, I don´t like it to be reduced down to that
I left him sitting there.
After that I never began any long distance relationship again, I knew I needed someone near me and not too far away
Former live 18 years old, one friendship with extra
Around New year and I was a bit drunk and depressed over me being a virgin still and my cursed luck with mens they all want just one thing from me, but I didn´t want it...yet, but slowly I lost hope, I wanted to experience it before I didn't get the chance and then I came with him to his home.
"I swore to never deflower a virgin again, but for you I will break it" Oh and I had a great time for a few nights only until I wanted a deeper emotional relationship.
"No, I like to have sex, but hey you can go and have sex with other men, goodbye"
I felt used and decided to never let this happen again.
Former live, 20 th birthday, 2nd real boyfriend
I was coming home to my boyfriend, yes we lived together and we are together for already 4 month, and my birthday cake that I baked the night before. Something was off with the oven but still I tried and manage a good cake, not perfect but edible beside it was my favourite so I didn´t care about the look or that it was still a little bit raw.. Coming home I was greeted by our cats and I went straight to the kitchen after shouting a little "I´m home" into the living room. Getting a plate, I took some of my cake and went to my boyfriend to greet him only to find him sitting there with a perfect piece of tart.
´Why? Where did he got that? Didn´t he like my cake?´
I asked him these questions straight forward.
"I thought you wanted some more cake"
"I didn´t, I made a whole plate of my favourite cake, where did you get it?"
"I made it myself with my mother"
´Damm him I know the cake isn´t perfect, but this wasn´t called for. And again his mother, he can nothing do by himself can it he?´
Autumm, late into the night
I had a long day and was already sleeping, when I felt a hand creep under my pyjama shorts slowly wandering to my core while another hand slipped under the shirt to grasp my breast.
I for once didn´t felt like to have sex.
"Stop that, I need to sleep" I mumbled only to feel him standing up and leaving, I heard cloth rustling and looked finally up seeing him already clothed and ready to go out.
"Where are you going?"
"To a brothel, where I can get what I want!"
To give him credit for, I didn´t need much and in our 6 month together we maybe had not much sex, in the last month none and I felt guilty a bit about it to be not up for it, but somehow I felt our relationship breaking away...and from my experience before...I felt like testing him how much he just wanted sex and I got my answer, truthfully and hard.
New Year
I knew no one would have given him a second chance but I did after he apologized and took me more often out and didn´t asked anymore so strongly for sex...I should have known better.
We partied together with his best friend and a girl, me being drunk ate something and took a walk to get it a bit out of my system for later around midnight.
I was away for longer than I thought, 2 hours walking up and down the street, but I came back for him being high and suddenly kissed my while pressing me into the wall of the hallway. A suddenly retching sound bought us back from the intense kiss and I went to the living room to see the other guy laying on the sofa empty his stomach on the carpet so I went and helped to get that away and gave him a bucket for the night. I then looked in our sleeping room finding there the girl in the same state but she was already cared for. My boyfriend took the other sofa in the living room and fell instantly asleep so I took some blankets and went into the kitchen, the only other room with a heater and made my bed there away from the stench so I didn´t the same like the other two.
Around midnight I heard some strange sounds, I listened thinking first of a little guinea pig shrieking in pain, but I feared it was something else. The good friend opened suddenly the door and saw me awake.
"They-"
"I know" I rasped around my tears.
The worst new year in my live, and I began to build a thick wall between me and other mens I didn´t trust them anymore...I knew what I wanted and that I would never find it in a man.
Flashback End
´I´m selfish, I want to be wanted for me first and for my body last, I want to be cared for...even loved, I wanted him to take me out, nothing fancy, a walk would just do it also. I want to touch and to be touched without it always being leading into sex. I want him to see me as someone on the same level.´
´Shikamaru and Itachi both match for this´
´I know that makes it so hard, because I always see in people matching it...that it can´t be and the must be some catch to that.´
´By Itachi it would be his clan...but Shika...I don´t see any catch...´
´He...I just don´t know around Itachi I feel, respected and...I feel secure in his warm arms...I feel this warmth filling my whole body and I don´t want to leave him, but I also feel a warmth when Shika hugs me...I feel accepted...´
´When taking a risk, who do you want to know deeper...with who you want to be you whole live...live in the same house?´
´I-I don´t know ´
´You know it´
´?´
´Whose face comes first in your vision when thinking of being in a warm hug, or being greeted with in the morning? You knew the answer already for a long time you just don´t want to hurt anyone´
I really hope you liked it and leave me some reviews.
It could be that after Chapter 9 this story goes on hold becahse at the moment it is the point where I hit write block v.v