Chapter 9
The door clicked behind them, the noise making it blatantly obvious that they were once again trapped. Bernie massaged her now unbound wrists as she watched Serena cross the room to sit on the edge of the bed. The silence was deafening. There was so much that needed to be said, so much that was about to tear their lives apart… they'd both be lying if they said they were ready for what life was about to throw at them.
"Serena… what happened whilst I was under the influence of those drugs?" Bernie asked eventually. She made sure to keep her voice low so as not to startle the other woman, god knew her nerves were already frayed. She could only imagine what the woman must be going through, she wasn't exactly as rough and rugged around the edges like Bernie was. No, this woman was elegant, dainty. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to know what a gun sounded like, or to have her freedom taken away. Bernie had been there, done that, and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she'd never have wished this upon her worst enemy.
Serena was quiet for a moment, simply staring down at her hands clasped in her lap. "It doesn't matter" she said in a voice that was barely audible. Bernie saw her lower lip tremble though. Of course it mattered! If it was causing so much distress, it bloody well mattered a lot!
"Serena" Bernie said with an insistent tone. She needed to know. She needed to know what she'd done, what she'd said. Dear god she needed to know she hadn't hurt Serena. Originally she'd assumed the drug had merely rendered her unconscious but the moment she saw those puffy tired brown eyes, she knew so much more had happened.
Serena looked over to Bernie then back down at her hands as tears sprung to her eyes "I-I can't Bernie… I just can't"
Bernie's heart broke at the sound of her trembling voice. She quickly brought herself to stand in front of Serena before dropping to her knees and taking Serena's hands in hers "Serena" she said softly, trying to catch Serena's eyes with her own. When this proved unsuccessful she tightened her grip on Serena's hands and whispered to her "Please Serena, I need to know I didn't hurt you. I need to know that you were ok" Still nothing "please… look at me?"
Serena slowly dragged her watery gaze up to meet Bernie's. Her lower lip began to tremble and Bernie was immediately reminded of her children's faces every time she had to leave to go on tour "Bernie… I… you…"
Tears began to well in Bernie's own eyes. Dear god she had hurt her "Serena… oh Serena I'm so sorry" Serena shook her head then, swallowing thickly to try and gain control back over her emotions.
"You didn't hurt me, Bernie" Bernie held her gaze, unwilling to let go of the breath she was holding.
"But?" she eventually blurted.
"Bernie… you were… you…" Serena trailed off once more. How could she let Bernie know what happened? It would kill her to know what happened… but then again, looking into her eyes, Serena realised not knowing was also killing her. "B-Bernie, you hallucinated."
Bernie finally let go of that breath, this couldn't be good. She hadn't hurt Serena… dear god did she do something worse to her?!
Seeing the fear in Bernie's eyes, Serena suddenly found words so easily "No Bernie, you didn't hurt me! You really didn't, if anything you tried to protect me from… whatever it was you were seeing"
Bernie let her shoulders drop in relief "so what did happen, the whole truth this time" Serena dropped her gaze back to her hands in her lap "Please Serena I need to know"
Serena drew in a deep breath and stared at floor in the corner of the room, unwilling to meet Bernie's eyes "You... I…" Serena let out her a puff of air before jumping in feet first, recounting in minute detail all that had happened last night, right up to just before Bernie had blacked out. She hoped against hope that the woman wouldn't question anything during or after that point. She didn't want to relive that part of the night… not yet.
Bernie let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. "th-thanks for telling me" She then looked up at Serena's tight facial expression "hey… you ok?"
Serena scoffed "Really? Am I ok? We're hardly in a field full of flowers right now, are we?"
At the biting remark, Bernie winced as she pushed herself from her knees to her feet. She then moved to sit beside Serena on the edge of the bed "sorry"
Serena shook her head at that "No I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've said since we got here. I'm scarred and I'm worried about Jason and I've been taking it out on you"
"No Serena. You don't have to apologise. I understand." She replied as she began rubbing her aching wrists once more "This is dangerous situation and you have every right to lash out"
"Not at you though" she said moving her gaze to Bernie's moving hands. As she rubbed in larger circles, her sleeve began to get pushed up. She bit her lip nervously. Frankly, she'd wondered how the woman had gone this long without noticing the scratches marring her own body.
Bernie stopped rubbing and pulled her hand away from her skin as she hissed in pain. Eyebrows furrowing, she grabbed at her sleeve and pulled it up to her elbow. Gasping, she took in the series of claw marks standing out proudly against her pale skin. With frantic hands, she pulled her other sleeve up to her elbow and gasped as both arms seemed to mirror each other.
Focussing an intense stare at Serena, Bernie reached her hands up to the popper buttons at her throat. Serena glanced at Bernie's eyes before averting her gaze in shame as Bernie un-popped the buttons to reveal her chest. Bernie looked down at herself and let out a sorrowful breath "well…" she said reverently "I guess I know where the pains coming from now" buttoning herself back up and pulling down her sleeves, Bernie turned to Serena, determined not to scare the woman by keeping her voice calm "was eh… was there part of that story you left out?" Serena was silent, eyes still averted. Bernie's brows furrowed then "Simon, he said they could still hear me screaming as they drove away… but you didn't mention anything about screaming…" Bernie clasped her hands together to stop herself from rubbing the painful wounds as Serena continued her silence "Serena look at me"
Serena shook her head. How could she look at Bernie? She couldn't think about that night, she couldn't. She'd never been so scared in all her life.
"Serena!" Serena flinched and Bernie immediately regretted the volume of her voice. Serena turned then and defiantly considered Bernie's face "What did this to me?" she whispered, almost desperate.
"You" she stated, no tone to her voice. She needed to keep this a secret from Bernie, god how she knew that, yet the word tumbled from her mouth the moment she saw those beautiful brown eyes look back at her. She needed to have this out. She needed come to grips with the here and now. She needed Bernie's arms around her, oh god how she needed to feel those arms around her in comfort. At the same time, she needed to smooth those frown lines off the beautiful face in front of her. She needed to get them out of here.
"Me" Bernie whispered into the still air "Why?" she said with a little more strength.
"Y-You were hallucinating"
"Serena, tell me what you're leaving out, I need the whole story!" she insisted but Serena dropped her gaze.
"Why?" she asked with an edge to her voice "what good would it do?" Bernie was silent for a moment. She was about to speak but stopped immediately when a sob escaped Serena's lips "Bernie, please don't do this…" she whispered "That night was the worst night of my life and I just... can't."
Bernie felt a wave of sadness wash over her. She did this. She did this to Serena. She closed her eyes and dug her fingernails into the skin of her palms, needing to feel the pain there to gain control over her emotions. She needed to be strong for Serena. If she needed to be anything, she needed to be that.
"You're wrong" came a strong voice so suddenly out of nowhere that Bernie physically flinched.
"What?" Raising her puzzled gaze to Serena's face once more, shocked at the hardened expression she found there as she stared straight ahead at the wall opposite them.
"You're wrong" Serena repeated once more "about no one missing you. Its bull shit!" her temper was flaring and she was losing her cool but she couldn't stop the words that left her mouth in such anger "when you were leaving me on the ward, did it not register with you that I followed you? That I was pleading with you?! INFRONT OF THE WHOLE FUCKING WARD, BERNIE!" She was looking at Bernie now, eyes flashing as tears streamed down her cheeks "I went back to our office Bernie, I cried, Bernie! Because of you! And you have the nerve to say no one would miss you…" Serena drew in a couple of shallow breaths as Bernie watched, eyes watering "You were leaving for Ukraine, you weren't even going for that long, and I missed you before you were even out the door! So don't you DARE think you aren't thought about!"
Bernie blinked back tears. The pain tearing through her stomach was worse than anything she'd ever felt before in her life. Not even the IED hurt as much as seeing those wet cheeks and hearing the raw agony lacing Serena's voice.
Serena scoffed "You never had to go home to an empty flat, dear god, you wouldn't have been going home to an empty flat… I was going to tell you that morning. I was going to tell you everything"
"T-tell me what" she stuttered, her voice thick with emotion.
She didn't know why but suddenly the sound of Bernie's voice made her anger boil white hot "Berenice Griselda Fucking Lone Wolfe!" Bernie flinched and leaned back from Serena, she'd never seen her like this before and if she was honest, it terrified her.
"You want to know what happened?! I'll tell you what happened!" There was a sharp edge to Serena's eyes now and Bernie could feel her heart beat faster as adrenaline flowed through her "I thought you'd died! You fucking passed out a-and I couldn't find a pulse!" Bernie felt light headed.
"S-Serena…"
"No! You don't get to interrupt. You wanted to know and you know what, its fine because low and behold, I found a pulse! Surprise! You're alive." Serena took in another shuddering breath. She could see the pained expression on Bernie's face, but she'd started now and she needed to get it all out "You woke up" she said quietly and then paused before looking away "It thought you were fine, I thought the drugs had worn off, I thought…" her face once again hardened "and then you started hallucinating again. Suddenly you're yelling 'Get down' and I'm being hurtled to the floor" Bernie gasped at this and Serena once again looked into her tragically beautiful face "Bernie I was so scarred" she whispered "You were holding on so tightly to me and apologising for not being able to save me and…"
Bernie's eyebrows furrowed as she regarded Serena "and?" she prompted.
Serena shut her eyes tight, her voice like a strangled sob "suddenly you're on the floor beside me." Serena lost her breath and gasped "Screaming! Crying out in agony and I couldn't do anything about it!" Serena let out another heart wrenching sob and Bernie reached out her hand to take Serena's in hers but Serena pulled her hand away and opened her eyes "You started scrabbing yourself, tearing at your clothes…" Serena began to rock back and forth "I banged the door, I pleaded with them to let you go to a hospital but they ignored me…" She looked into Bernie's eyes and in that moment, both knew that they'd never seen such sorrow and hurt reflected back at them "you… you had a seizure…" Serena said, breathless "You had a fucking seizure and all they give me was a fucking bucket, a first aid kit and a blanket!"
Bernie put an arm around her and rubbed her arm "Shh, Serena its ok. I'm ok."
"I dragged you over to the bed and cleaned you up. For fucks sake Bernie, you had someone else's blood on your face" Bernie remained silent, staring unseeingly at something on the floor "I-I…" Serena closed her eyes "I took your shirt off" Bernie stopped rubbing Serena's arm. The silence grew heavier as the seconds passed before Serena continued "I-I cleaned your cuts and put your shirt back on"
"Its ok, Serena, you don't have to continue" whispered Bernie, all life seeming to have left her voice.
Serena shook her head "No… and do you know why? Because I watched over you as you slept! My heart pounded and I felt so scarred every time there was a hitch in your breathing pattern and I was so scarred I was going to loose you" Sobs wracked her entire body now, she didn't have the energy to hold them back "I need you to unders-s-stand, Bernie!" Bernie turned Serena to face her and looked deep into her haunted eyes "I n-need you to understand that people do care about you. I care about you."
Serena shut her eyes once more as arms enclosed around her. She felt herself pulled into Bernie's body and didn't protest. She'd needed this. She'd needed this for the longest time and finally she had it, it saddened her to realise that it shouldn't be under such circumstances.
Bernie pulled Serena further onto the bed to allow her to lie down. With her arms around Serena, like the night before, she rocked Serena until she stopped crying and fell asleep.
Bernie stayed awake for hours after Serena. Her brain replayed everything from the past few days with the addition of Serena's information filling in the missing gaps. Serena had suffered so much and now she was going to leave and join a battle she had no interest in fighting, she wasn't even confident she'd come back alive.
Bernie looked down at Serena's face as her eyebrows came together in a frown and separated again in her restless sleep. Serena cared so much for her, more than anyone she knew… more than she deserved. She couldn't let her break her heart when Bernie didn't return from their 'field' mission. Bernie sighed. How could she have even considered Kiev? How stupid was she?
Bernie bit her lip. She couldn't do this to Serena; she had to sever her tie somehow. She had to make Serena stop caring so she could move on with her life after this was all over. It was then and there that Bernie made up her mind and formed a plan in her head. She'd free Serena, in every way possible, she free her.
"I'm so sorry Serena. In more ways than you'll ever know, I'm sorry" she whispered against Serena's hair as tears slowly paved their path down her cheeks.
She placed a delicate kiss to Serena's head and sniffed as Serena tightened her grip on Bernie in her sleep. Tomorrow. She'd begin her plan tomorrow. If this was to be her last night on Earth, she'd take tonight and allow herself the comfort of Serena in her arms.