WARNING!: This chapter actually broke my heart to write. I put it off for so long because I knew it would hurt but god! I actually felt physically sick writing it! Sorry.

Chapter 10

A soothing warm breath on her neck, that's what Bernie awoke to the next day. In her sleep idled state, she allowed herself a smile as her brain registered the warm weight in her arms. Serena. She was in bed with Serena. Her smile widened as she imagined the light streaming in through the window to illuminate the brunette in a hazy glow, the world still and beautiful as she slept.

Opening her eyes, Bernie's smile fell immediately.

The room was cold; the severe yellow light hanging overhead casting dark shadows across the walls. It had been a dream. They weren't in Bernie's happy place; they were still holed up in this dank little room. There was no luxurious satin bed linen; there was no soft four-poster bed… just this wooden cot with nothing more than Serena's coat for a mattress and a tattered blanket for a duvet.

Bernie closed her eyes at the disappointment and swallowed hard as reality came crashing into her. This was it. Today was the day she walked, willingly or not; onto a battlefield she had no intentions of coming back from.

Opening her tired eyes, she looked down at the beautiful woman in her arms. She'd give anything to repeat their positions under better circumstances… to think they would have had she not fucked everything up and decided to accept the secondment.

Tears pricked her eyes. This really was her fault. Had they left the hospital at the right time and gone back to hers for dinner, this may never have happened. Those men might never have taken them away in that van and Serena would be safely tucked up in her own bed. Her fault. All her fault.

Taking in a shaky breath, she steeled herself for the day ahead. Today she would break the sweet, gentle heart she loved so much in order to allow it the freedom it needed to beat. Blinking the tears out of her eyes, she pressed once last soft kiss to the brunette's head before disentangling herself from her warm body and climbing off the bed as quietly as she could. If this was going to work, she needed distance between them.

She paced for a while, sorting through in her head exactly what she would say. She edited and re-edited the script. She didn't want to be cruel to Serena but at the end of the day, the crueller she was, the less Serena would miss her when she wasn't there.

Bernie stopped moving and let out a shaky breath. With a polished script, she just hoped her body and conscience would let her deliver the words she'd memorised. Serena would hate her. Well and truly hate her. The grief she felt at knowing this was more than she could bare. She loved Serena with all her heart and she hoped she'd never have to understand her actions today.

Pain suddenly lanced through her head. "Fuck" she whispered as she brought her hands up to clutch her aching cranium. White lights began to dance in her vision before turning black as she shut her eyes tight against the pain. No sooner had that pain started though that it once again stopped. Bernie's brows furrowed as her vision cleared, she had no time to worry on it though as the loud clapping of feet echoed in the corridor outside the room.

The lock on the door clicked. Bernie pulled back her shoulders and straightened her back. Up until now, the person they'd met was weak, little Berenice Wolfe; she figured it was time she showed them the Major they kept calling her… if nothing else it would give her the courage to face Serena.

As the door opened, Serena bolted up in the bed, shock evident in her features. Bernie's heart give a twinge at that but she quickly pushed down the feelings once more. She had to be strong. For Serena.

At the sound of footsteps into the room, she turned to face the door. She fought the urge to smile as her new-found strength made the smug grin fall from Simon's face momentarily. The Major made him nervous from one look, that was certainly useful information she'd store away in her mind.

Biting his lip, Simon turned to Serena and the smile blossomed on his face once more. "Ladies, I've taken the liberty of delivering your breakfast this morning myself" Taking the confidence he'd built up at viewing someone he perceived as weaker, he once again turned back to Bernie with a renewed back bone "and I suggest you eat it this time, Major. You have a big day ahead of you, you'll need your strength"

As he went to walk further into the room with the plates, Bernie's movement stopped him. Bernie approached him with steel in her eyes. She could see his hands begin to shake as she got closer. 'Good' she thought 'I hope he remembers what I did to those men, god knows I don't'

Taking a hold of the plates in his hands, she observed how he physically gulped. She smirked 'War… what a joke. If this man's poker face was stripped from him the moment he lost a little of his control over fear, then he was going to lose.' Turning her back on him, she turned to face Serena, plates in hand, and her smirk dropped 'If he lost though, Serena would be stuck here forever with no hope of rescue'.

Biting the inside of her cheek, she rested one of the plates in Serena's lap. He wouldn't lose this little skirmish; she'd make sure of it. She was a medic, but no less a soldier. She'd protect Serena by serving him. She didn't fear death, that had been drilled out of her during her army training, and if need be, she'd gladly die in the knowledge that her sabotage had in turn saved Serena's life.

"Major, I also took the liberty of 'acquiring' you some equipment" Bernie placed both plates down beside Serena before straightening her back once more and turning back to the man to meet his eyes. He pulled at a strap around his body to reveal a shoulder bag from behind him. Smiling, he pulled the strap over his head and threw the bag at her feet. "I really must say, the security in that hospital of yours leaves a lot to be desired! It was almost as easy stealing this as it was stealing you"

Bernie said nothing, but simply sank down to her knees and opened the flap on the bag "No gun?" she asked simply, her tone level and uncaring.

He chuckled then "what, and have you shoot one of us trying to escape? No thank you"

"What use am I to you if I can't defend myself?"

"Don't you worry about that, Major… besides isn't there some vow you're supposed to take as a doctor? Do no harm or some bull shit like that?"

Bernie gritted her teeth "In most cases" this was bad. She'd have to change her plan. She always needed a plan B but in this case, she couldn't afford one. She'd have to get creative.

With a smirk and a glint in his eye, he turned and made towards the door again "Take out what you don't need, Major. Someone will come back to get you when its time" and with that the door slammed closed again, the click of the lock accompanying it.

"Bernie…?" Said a feeble voice behind her.

Bernie closed her eyes and paused in her inspection of the bags contents "I don't know what he expects me to do with half of this, it's rubbish" she said, keeping her tone the same as earlier.

"Bernie, I… I don't…" Bernie opened her eyes again and began to pull things from the bag she didn't need "Bernie are you even listening?" Bernie's hand hovered over a bottle. Drawing it out of the bag and into the weak light of the room, Bernie read the label. "Bernie, please!"

Bernie placed the bottle back into the bag and stood. Turning on the spot, her back still rigid and pose still very much military, she looked Serena in the eye. "yes?" she stated simply.

Serena's brow furrowed 'Bernie, are you ok?"

"Perfectly well, given the circumstances, thank you" she said briskly, turning once again and scooping up the bag to give herself something to do.

Serena watched as Bernie once again began fumbling around inside the bag. Something had changed. She felt like she could physically see the wall Bernie had thrown up seemingly overnight. What was this? Was she scared? Was this her way of coping with fear? "Bernie please…" she said once again, worry tinging her voice. Bernie didn't address her, instead she simply continued fiddling with things in the bag "BERNIE LOOK AT ME!"

Bernie flinched, her gaze fixing itself to Serena with such a force she felt dizzy.

Serena's breath began to grow heavy as words began too jumble in her mind. How was this woman acting so cold? If this was her reaction to fear, god how she envied her! The ability to just compartmentalise every emotion and lock them away "Bernie I'm scarred" she let out in a rush of air.

Bernie blanched at this. This wasn't part of the script she'd planned in her head. She'd perfected the script! Made it unforgivable! She just didn't know how to start, nor did she want to if she was honest with herself. Squaring her shoulders, she looked Serena in the eye with renewed back bone "Its ok. I'm going to get you out of here"

"and you!" interjected Serena.

"What?"

"And. You." Serena repeated "Bernie, we're both here, we're both getting out"

Bernie schooled her features and turned her attention back to the bag "eat your toast".

Serena blinked "Bernie" she said, her voice strong with warning.

"I said eat your toast, Serena" Bernie repeated through gritted teeth, stopping her actions.

"FUCK THE TOAST!" She yelled in response, lifting one of the pates and smashing on the floor.

Bernie flinched but did not turn.

"You stand up!" she shouted over the lump forming in her throat "you face me!" Bernie didn't have to see Serena to know there were tears in her eyes "and you tell me that we're both going to get out of this together" she said a little more quietly.

Bernie sighed. She had to break her heart, she had to sever Serena's ties to her. It was the only way Serena could move on without her. Now or never.

"Maybe I don't want to go back" 'This is it' she thought 'no going back now'

"What?" oh that hurt. She'd failed to factor in how broken her own heart would be to hear Serena's crushed voice.

"I said…"

"I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID!" screamed Serena in frustration "What do you mean you don't want to go back?" she was practically growling at this point.

Bernie took a deep breath and turned to Serena "The secondment… Ukraine!" she scoffed "there's a reason I accepted it! I can't go back there, Serena. Not to them and certainly not to you" Bernie could feel her voice threatening to betray her 'Steady old girl' she thought to herself 'it needs to be done'.

"What are you talking about?" Serena sounded so small in that moment that Bernie physically had to close her eyes to block out the sight of her.

"I've out grown Holby"

"And us? What about us, have you out grown that too?" came Serena's retort, laced with anger.

Bernie dug her nails into the palm of her hand and opened her eyes "what us?"

Serena gasped and physically took a step back from Bernie as tears pricked her eyes "y-you don't mean that! You said you cared about me"

"Caring doesn't mean there was ever an us" She'd never felt such pain before. She'd happily run naked into a burning building soaked in lighter fluid if it meant she didn't have to be here right now, saying these words to the woman she loved more than life itself 'stay strong. Stay strong! I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!'

"No!" tears began to stream down Serena's cheeks with rapid succession "After you kissed me, you said you'd wanted to do that for weeks! WE'D PLANNED TO HAVE DINNER TOGETHER!"

"I had an itch I needed scratched" Bernie felt the bile rising her throat at her words. Taking a deep breath, she tamped down on the feeling and focused on levelling her voice "You know it really wasn't as big of a challenge as I'd thought it would be to turn the very straight Serena Campbell. Almost made me feel like I hadn't worked very hard for my reward to be honest" Bernie physically turned away from Serena then, she simply couldn't look at her now. It was too much. In a way, she wished they'd start the raid sooner. Lord knows she wanted to die more than anything right in that moment.

Bernie waited patiently for Serena's reply, half expecting to be punched right in the face. The silence was agonising. Her stomach was contracting against her attempts not to be sick as blood rushed in her ears. The room was spinning. She was almost certain she was going to faint when she felt a delicate weight settle around her throat.

Opening the eyes she hadn't realised she'd closed, she looked down at the pendant resting over the opening of her blouse. Furrowing her brow in confusion, she turned to face Serena.

Serena's gaze was fixed to her feet as she spoke "My father give me that necklace when I'd turned 21. I always believed it brought me luck" raising her head to look once more into Bernie's face, she watched as Bernie's fingers came up to rest over the pendant "It's very important to me… and so are you."

'Fuck' thought Bernie 'This definitely wasn't in the script!'

"I know you, Bernie, and I'd like to think you're not that kind of person. It may just be wishful thinking, but I'm hoping you're saying all this to push me away for some reason and that there's no truth to it what so ever." Bernie opened her mouth to speak but was stopped by Serena raising her hand to quiet her "Look. If all of what you said is true, then I'll accept it… but not now." Bernie could do nothing but gaze into the wet pools staring back at her "Bring this back to me… and if at that point, everything you said still stands… I'll believe you a-and I'll let you go"

Bernie felt like she'd had the air sucked from her lungs. This was Serena's insurance. She saw right through Bernie and this was her way of making sure Bernie would return to her. But no! This wasn't how it was meant to go! She was supposed to make Serena move on, not give her hope!

"Serena, I can't take this with me" she said as she began to reach up being her neck to the fastening.

"Don't you dare, Ms Wolfe" Bernie stopped in her actions and caught Serena's eye "Whether you care for me or not doesn't matter… well it does but…" Serena took a deep breath "look I know it's just a token that holds no real power, but believing it brought me luck got me through the worst of times. You may not feel about me the way I feel about you but you're going out there into a gun fight. If this necklace helps to bring you back alive, I'll happily live the rest of my life without you, knowing that you'd survived and were living the rest of yours"

"There's someone else" blurted Bernie, a last-ditch attempt to turn Serena away.

"Oh…" was all Serena could manage for a moment as the light in her eyes faded "well… like I said. I'll be happy just knowing you're alive. When we get out of here, I'm sure you'll be very happy together"

Tears pricked at the back of Bernie's eyes. She didn't know it was possible to fall this far in love with someone. This woman, this brilliant woman, regardless of how badly Bernie was trying to treat her, just wanted her to live despite the pain it would cause her to do so with someone else.

"Do you love her?" Serena whispered after a long silence filled the space between them. She didn't want to know, not really. If she was honest with herself, she was hoping Bernie would say it was all a ruse.

Tears actually fell from Bernie's eyes then as she stared back at the heart breakingly beautiful woman before her "I do" she whispered "I really do".

Seeing the honesty and sincerity in Bernie's eyes told Serena more than the words ever could. Whoever this woman was, Bernie loved her more than she could possibly ever know. She'd be lying if she said it didn't cause her an intense pain in her chest and a sense of jealousy to rise within her, but she wouldn't be lying if she said she hoped Bernie would finally have a happily ever after.

"Good" she heard herself say "I'd be happy to meet her when we get out of here" 'LIES! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SAY THAT! LIES! LIES! LIES! YOU'D HAPPILY SHOOT YOURSELF FIRST AND YOU KNOW IT!' Serena closed her eyes against her inner voice and turned back to the cot.

"Serena!" Bernie called out. Serena turned back, a glimmer of hope igniting in her eyes once more "here" Bernie watched as the fire completely extinguished in Serena's beautiful brown eyes her gaze fell upon the scalpel held in her outstretched hand.

"oh…" she whispered, trying to mask her disappointment "wh-whats this for?"

"Keep it hidden and keep yourself safe" 'You bitch. You absolute bitch. You could never deserve a woman like her'

Serena took the scalpel and nodded her head before climbing onto the cot and lay down with her back-facing Bernie.

Bernie realised this was going to be hard, she never realised just how hard. Taking the remaining plate of toast, she picked a piece up and raised it to her mouth. Just as her lips touched the cold crust, she immediately dropped the food and pushed the plate away. She had no appetite, nor did she deserve to have after what she'd just put Serena through.

'It's all for the best' she told herself as she lowered herself to the floor beside the bed. She leaned her head back against the cold wood and let her mind drift to that warm place she'd found herself in as she woke with Serena in her arms. 'It's all for the best' she repeated.

Special thank you to everyone who has reviewed! You all mean the world to me 3