Second Stage: Anger

Darkness.

There was nothing but darkness.

Cradling Ezra against his chest, Kanan brushed the raven blue hair away from his Padawan's too pale face. Features relaxed, eyes shut gently, Ezra looked mockingly peaceful and could have fooled him into thinking he was asleep if not for the red wound sliced across his chest.

Reaching, searching, Kanan desperately tried to find anything that remained of Ezra's once blazing light. But the force was silent, his light was gone, and Kanan was surrounded by nothing but an overwhelming darkness. The wave of comfort Ezra had sent still lingered in Kanan, cruelly contrasting against his own rising desperation and panic as he began to realize the crushing reality he couldn't accept before. Ezra was gone.

Kanan didn't know when they had arrived at the base. He didn't feel Ahsoka's gentle attempts of comforting him, he didn't hear the crew's arrival or the cry of anguish they emitted when they realized that Ezra was too still, too red, too pale to be alive. All Kanan could feel was the numbing darkness that was beginning to make itself known, the overwhelming silence of the bond, and the crushing reality that the person he loved like a son, was gone.

A sudden pulse through the force grabbed Kanan's attention. Reaching into the pockets of his padawans vest, he took out an object that seemed to burn in a crimson red; the sith holocron. His padawan had kept it. All at once Kanan was engulfed with the memory of Ezra jumping in front of him as Maul's blade cut him down. His padawan had saved him. He had knowingly jumped in front of him, sacrificing his life for Kanan's. Now Ezra was gone, and Kanan was left all alone, and that made him angry.

Anger at Ezra for jumping in front of him. For sacrificing himself in a completely stupid move. For leaving him. Without Ezra keeping him grounded, the anger he felt before engulfed his entire being. Hot red fury like he had never know pulsed through Kanan, and he couldn't help but relish in it.

How dare Ezra leave him like this? Protect him like that? Sacrifice himself like that? Didn't he know how much he meant to Kanan? Why then, was he so willing to give up his life? To leave him behind in a state of anguish and loss. Ezra knew of his past, his own inability to cope with the loss of his Master, the guilt he carried for years in knowing his Master sacrificed herself for him to survive. Ezra knew all of this, he knew how much it would break Kanan if he lost him as well, and yet history repeated itself.

Instead of running away, of staying alive by his side, they decided to surrender it all for him. A man who was so broken, so cowardly, so weak, that he did nothing when the ones he loved died in his place. They both protected him in an act so stupid, so selfless, that Kanan could only wallow in his anger and self-pity for being the one left behind.

But in the end, the fault wasn't theirs, but his. If he hadn't been so powerless, so pathetic, so scared, so useless, then his padawan and Master would still be alive. They would have never needed to put their lives in danger or sacrifice themselves if Kanan had not failed them in the first place.

He was the one that failed, he was the one left behind, and he was the one at fault. This was his fault. If Kanan had sensed Maul's intent, moved faster to stop his blade, been swifter in reacting, Ezra would still be here. Clutching the body of his Padawan, he couldn't help but notice how lifeless he looked, how cold he felt, and it all served to remind Kanan of his absolute failure to the one he had vowed to protect. A sense of self-loathing began to engulf him at the crushing reality that he could have saved his padawan.

Angry, bitter, and engulfed in grief, Kanan let out a yell in anguish, the force whirling in his agony as he succumbed to the hot angry sobs that wracked his body. Kanan became lost in his anger, wanting nothing more than to lash out in violence in order to ease the pain, to appease his anger. Angry, bitter, and engulfed in sorrow, Kanan could do nothing but sob as he clutched his Padawan closer to his chest, hoping with his very soul he could come back.

Suddenly, he felt arms surround him in a hug, enveloping him in a sense of shared grief, understanding, and affection. Still, in his haze of anger, Kanan fought off the affection he so desperately wanted but knew he didn't deserve, not after his failure. A pair of strong purple hands held him in place, a barrage of colors kept him steady, but it was a voice, so gentle and filled with light that led him back to reality.

"It's alright love, we're here. Im here."