Chapter 4

Emily

In the past three years, I have hated myself for many things. Today, I added a few more incidents to my list. Number one; smashing my iPhone. Why did I think that was a smart idea? Number two; spilling some of my emotions to Alison. Yes, I was planning on doing that at some point, but why did I have to go and do it on the first day I saw her again? And last but definitely not least, number three; I kissed her. I kissed her! What the actual fuck was I thinking? I wanted to slam my head into the wall until I couldn't think anymore. I left her three years ago and now I was the one crying at her feet and going for the kiss. You know what they say, old habits die hard. And that's just what Alison was. A habit. A drug. An addiction. The second I stepped back in Rosewood I could feel it. The gravity. It was like the forces of nature pulled us to each other, making it nearly impossible to stay away. At least, that's how I liked to justify it. The worst part is, I know deep down that what Paige and I have is forced. That our relationship is a way for me to ignore the things that I've done. Dating Paige has given me the chance to forget about my past. That's why I smashed that stupid, 800 dollar phone. I didn't want to tell her that I was in love with someone else. I wasn't ready to admit that she was the rebound and the mask.

When Alison finally left, I went back inside and started to pack. I knew that my mother would be coming home at some point, and I wanted it to be clean for her, even if it was for such a short period of time. Besides, packing up the house now would be easier than after she… passed. I packed up my room, the basement, and a lot of the things in the kitchen and dining room. It was fairly easy to do, considering my thoughts were so preoccupied. I left her bedroom, living room, and all her decor untouched. I wanted her to feel at home for all of the time she had left.

I thought a lot about Alison. About how, after all this time and after all I had done to her, she could still comfort me like no one else. How she could sit beside me and let me cry to her when I knew it killed her. How, after all that I put her through, she could smile at me like I was the only girl in the world. But I also felt it, the hesitation. I couldn't blame her. I had shattered her heart out of pure selfishness and fear, and had no right to expect anything from her. When Alison came and sat beside me, my mind went blank. How could she possibly be thinking about how I was feeling when I had destroyed her? It reminded me of just why I fell in love with her in the first place. Behind the tough exterior she held all through high school, there was a beautiful soul that was so full of love, joy, and kindness. My mind wandered to the first time my love for her was rekindled after her disappearance.

I had fallen asleep reading her journal. Alison had written about us at the kissing rock and how it meant more to her than she first let on. It was destroying me, reading about the not-so-dead girl I loved. She pretended I meant nothing to her and then left me, just like that. But she was alive. We had just learned that a few days ago. I had spent all my free time thinking about her and reading all her entries about us, and my sleep cycle was definitely off because of it.

I woke up to the sound of my curtains rustling in the wind. Had I left the window cracked? I didn't remember even opening it in the first place. But when I opened my eyes, there she was, sitting at the foot of my bed. I shot up like a rocket, sure that I was in a dream.

"Emily, you don't know how much I've missed you…" Anger flared up inside me at her words as I remembered how, in the two years she had been gone,she just let us believe she was dead.

"Missed me? I've been here the whole time! You're the one that left."

"I know you're upset… I know I hurt you the most." She murmured, crawling closer towards me. "But I want to explain."

"But you can't," I retorted, fire burning through my veins.

"But I can… I have to. I owe that to you. You have no idea what I've been through… I saved your life, twice. I risked everything for you." She was desperate now, pleading. Her words were coming out in broken sentences, which was so unlike Alison. She always knew what to say and how to say it, but this time, she was scrambling for the right words.

"You destroyed me, okay? I thought you were dead!" I was shaking with anger and sadness, watching her closely.

"But I'm not… aren't you glad that I'm not?" Those nine small words broke me inside. Her eyes were locked with mine, vulnerable and full of emotion, and it hit me hard. I watched as she crawled even closer, so close that I could feel her breath. I couldn't stand it. My anger had gone, seeing her broken and aching like this. Our eyes were still locked on each other, and I couldn't stop myself. I leaned forward and pulled her face to mine, crashing our lips together in one smooth motion. I expected her to tense up and push me away, but she kissed back right away, melting into my arms. I pulled her closer until she was sitting on my lap, her hands tangled in my hair. My hands rested on her hips, her tongue slipping into my mouth with ease. This kiss wasn't like the ones we shared before she disappeared. It was passionate, needy, and full of desire. I pulled away, looked at her, and smiled.

"Don't leave tonight," I whispered, my heart aching at the thought of having to say goodbye. Her arms were wrapped around my neck now, her eyes locked on mine.

"I'll have to leave early in the morning, it's still not safe for me to come home…"

"Fine, just not now. Not tonight," I begged, pulling her down so she was laying beside me. She nodded as we faced each other, studying the faces we hadn't seen in so long. I gave her a light kiss on the lips before pulling her to my chest where she curled up into me. She laid her head on my chest and closed her eyes, her breathing slowing down as she drifted off. I wrapped my arms around her, falling asleep to the sound of her deep breathing. When I woke up the next morning, all that was left was the warm vanilla scent that followed her wherever she went. She was gone but she was everywhere.

That night she was so different than I remembered her. She wanted me, wanted to be with me, didn't want to leave and break my heart. It made me fall in love with her all over again. A big part of me wanted that to happen now, here, 3 years after I ruined it all. I wanted her to forgive me just as I had done so many times. It was in moments like these I realized just how stupid I had been to leave her, and just how trivial my love for Paige was.

Exhausted by my emotions and high on adrenaline, I grabbed my keys off the kitchen table and made my way to the door. I had to get out of this house and visit my mother before I found a reason not to.

Alison

Back at home, Jacob was napping. I knew what I had to do. It was too hard to keep lying to him, my friends, and myself. I didn't love him the way he wanted me to. I had been pacing around the kitchen with the glass of red wine I had left out earlier in my hand, constantly sipping to try and numb my nerves. I knew Jacob would be hurt and confused, and I knew I couldn't explain it to him. Part of me was afraid of how he would react. I couldn't tell him that he had been my rebound and the person I needed to distract me. After what seemed like ages, I heard his feet hit the floor. I tried to calm myself by sitting on the couch and throwing a blanket over me like a shield.

"Well someone looks tired," I chirped, hoping I sounded natural.

"I just had the greatest nap. How about you, what have you been doing all day?"

"Well, I visited Pam, then went to lunch with Aria," I lied. He couldn't know I saw Emily.

"Sounds nice."

"Yeah… so Jacob? Can you sit? We need to talk," I stammered. My nerves were shot and I just wanted to get it over with. He sat down across from me, a quizzical look on his face. His eyes were trained on me with spite, as if he knew what was coming.

"I um… I think…" I didn't know how to phrase it. "I think we should see other people." His jaw nearly hit the floor as he listened, his eyes empty and sad. "I just… I don't think this is going to work in the long term."

"Are you serious? I have stood by your side and loved you for the past year! I thought we were doing great!" His voice carried a furious tone, making me wrap the blanket around me tighter. His hands were balled into fists, his face red and contorted.

"I just… I'm sorry. I just don't feel the same way you do."

"Is this about that Emily girl? Your ex? Because you told me you were over her!" He was screaming now, his voice echoing through the house. "I can't believe you. You think you can just use and abuse people, Alison, but you can't, not with me." He stood and lumbered over to where I sat on the couch, grabbing the front of my dress and pulling me to my feet with force. I squeaked under his grip, the sound of ripping fabric coming from my back.

"I hope this bitch makes you happy and appeases your thirst for power," he yelled.

"It's not about her, I p-promise!" The terror in my voice was clear as I tried to get the words out, silent tears starting to fall from my eyes. He let my dress go, only to push me back into a wall.

"I don't like being manipulated, Alison," he said, his voice a low growl. I was shaking under him, his hands on either side of my body. I was about to scream when he pressed his lips against mine with such force it hurt. I tried to push him off of me, my sobs growing louder.

"Jacob, s-stop, it's over…" I was cut short by his left hand unzipping my dress so hard that the zipper broke. He pushed it off of my shoulders and down to my waist, revealing the black lace bra I put on this morning. I whimpered under the weight of his body. He kissed me hard again, desperation hot on his breath. I continued to struggle until he grabbed me and threw me on the couch, straddling me and sliding my dress all the way off. A wicked smile spread across his lips.

"You're mine, Alison…" he snarled, and with that, he began to take off his shirt, giving me just enough time to bring my foot to his chest and kick him off of me. He grumbled as he rose to his feet, but I was already scrambling off the couch and running for the basement. I made it to the stairs in time to slam the door behind me and lock it, panting as I tried to catch my breath.

"You can't just drop me like this!" He screamed, his voice making me jump, a slight yelp leaving my mouth. His fist met the door with extreme power, the wood shaking beneath his hand as he pounded again and again. "Open this door right now, Alison! I love you!" The sound of desperation filled his voice again, his anger seeming to vanish. That's what scared me the most, his moods constantly changing.

After a few minutes, I scurried down the steps to find an old t-shirt, throwing it on before running back up to the door. I pressed my ear against the old wood, hearing silence on the other side. I was about to unlock it and peek around the edge when I heard a loud slam and the sound of Jacob's Mustang starting. I waited until I couldn't hear the car's engine anymore to let myself out of the basement, still shaking uncontrollably. The front door was wide open, the door knob laying on the ground next to it. The door frame looked mutilated from how hard he slammed it, the deadbolt bent from the pressure. I simply sat in front of it and cried. When I looked down I finally saw what shirt I was wearing… a Rosewood High Swim Team dry-fit.