Author's note and answers

I am asking genuine survivors of coercive control/domestic abuse to share their stories with me, so I can start a campaign of awareness in schools. The truth is that if you educate both girls and boys about coercive control or domestic abuse and the pattern, where it starts. That is a load of stereo-typical bull-spit about the abused becoming abusers. I was sexually abused at the age of nine, the age of 18 and I was drugged and raped at the age of 19. I certainly did not become an abuser. In fact, I protected my children from paedophiles by telling them about stranger danger. I am a survivor, not a victim.

I don't hate men as I remarried a lovely man, two years after I got my divorce to my ex-husband finalised. My children are grown up now, but I am more distrusting of a person's motives and that way I can protect myself and my children from being hurt. It has kind of developed into a sixth sense. I can sense when I can trust and when I shouldn't blindly trust people in general. In other words, I can now spot the liars and the honest people.

If someone tried to tell me "It is for my own good" that I do as they say, I can clearly see that they are trying to manipulate me into their way of thinking and that is where the coercive control starts. It is subtle at first and then it builds into something more sinister.

The pattern of coercive control/Abuse

Grooming and preparation (Laying the foundations) Showering you with gifts and compliments

Isolating you from your family and friends

Interrogation whilst you are at work or college.

Emotional/Psychological abuse i.e name calling, demeaning, blackmail, taking revealing pictures, making video's, revenge porn. Threats to harm you, themselves or your children, threats to take the children from your custody. Kidnapping your children

Making you feel small, humiliation, insulting you in front of friends or family. Demeaning your value in front of your children. Calling you names in front of your children, intimidating you and threats to reveal adultery.

Limiting your time and timing you when you go shopping

Interrogating you when you go out with friends or family

Preventing you from working, locking you in the house or flat, sabotaging your conscious effort to get into work, threats of suicide if you dare to be independent.

Economic abuse – Asking to and looking at your bank statements, monitoring every purchase, taking your bank card without consent, withholding your debit/credit card. Refusing to give you money to buy food and groceries. Making you beg for access to your own money or bank account. Forcing you to hand over your wages. Putting bills in your name with out talking to you first. Abusers will often refuse to find employment for themselves but refuse to let you work or find employment for yourself.

Not letting you out of their sights. Suffocation in the relationship.

Forcing you to take part in threesomes or more and blackmailing you after the fact. (Sexual Exploitation)

Slaps, kicks, spitting, clenched fists in face, pushing, shoving, backing you into a corner, destroying your personal belongings. Standing over you, pointing at you and treating you like a naughty child i.e wagging their finger at you. Forbidding you from walking away from an argument, restricting physical movements or grabbing you roughly, manhandling you. Poisoning or drugging to subdue you or tomake you more pliable to demands.

Rape, sexual assault, indecent assault, groping you while you are under the influence of sleeping medication and are unable to give your consent

Stalking you, terrorising you, threats to murder or maim. "If I can't have you, no one can!"

Finally, they may even go as far as to commit murder.

If you feel your life is in danger or you have had threats to end your life and your children's life. Please remember to keep a note of everything you have in your memory in a journal, incidents that scared you, injuries, threats, sexual abuse, intimidation, stalking.

Keep a bag of spare clothing for yourself and your children, toys and games for your children, important documentation like e.g passports for you and your children. Any spare money you can squirrel away if you have been able to work. Keep it hidden like with a trustworthy friend or a family member you can trust. Keep all your solicitor's documents, important phone numbers like refuge, women's aid, rape crisis, Samaritans, your local social services number. Any local housing trust, the emergency housing trust, your therapist's number in case you feel low in mood and need a boost to keep you going. If you need to, try and take back your bank card in secret but for the safety of you and your children, please dial 999 as you may not have to leave your home.

Leaflets about benefits you maybe entitled to whilst you are at a refuge or safe-house.

The number for the child protection agency and safeguarding agencies in your local area.

Foodbanks

Advocacy services.