Good luck Charm...they come in all shapes and sizes.
There's light streaming through the curtains behind the bed, Chloe watches the shadows morph and grow with each passing minute as the sun grows in the sky. She's kind of regretting not taking a second to close them last night, the first rays of light having roused her earlier than she would've liked but, there are certain advantages. The light brought with it the sight of Beca, back in her arms where she should be. Chloe can't bring herself to move, even though the arm trapped underneath her girlfriends neck... 'huh, girlfriend' she thinks to herself, smile broadening, She's still not used to that but she's going to enjoy getting there...is long ago void of feeling. Her free arm has been drifting over Beca's naked body for what feels like hours now, tracing the lines she wants to commit to memory, catching the sleeping girl's fingers periodically and with lazy strokes, slipping her own fingers in and out of Beca's. Her thoughts so far this morning haven't reached far past the events of last night, Beca's surprise return, their slow and beautiful reacquainting of each other. Each frame of the movie reel playing in her head brings different feelings and sensations...some making her cross her legs and squeeze tightly, knocking arousal back down. She doesn't want to wake Beca, not yet, the sooner she wakes the sooner she has to face the daunting prospect of saying 'goodbye' again,... that can wait as long as is possible, this is where she wants to stay. She looks back at Beca's sleeping face... her eyes lightly shut and her mouth slightly agape, small adorable snores escaping from time to time. Chloe drinks in every detail and feels her heart quicken slightly. She gently runs her hand across Beca's stomach again and with slow and light actions, takes purchase of muscles that stand just proud enough to be called defined. She runs her nose up the line of Beca's neck, along the edge of her jaw, to place the lightest of kisses to the skin just below her ear. Beca stirs a little at the action and Chloe pauses, caught between the desperate need to keep them here, away from the agonising thought of further separation and wanting to lose herself in midnight blue eyes.
Ultimately, the decision is taken away from her as eyelids raise, shut, then raise again, eyes accustoming themselves to the light in the room. Beca's head turns very slightly and with a smile that steals Chloe's breath every time she sees it, Beca turns into her side and nuzzles her face into Chloe's neck, dropping her arm to lie across Chloe's stomach. Blood rushes back to the arm that is now mostly free, trying not to wince at the sensations springing back to life, she feels Beca shift slightly against her neck. 'Hmmm, hey you' drifts across the skin there, tiny goosebumps erupting at the feeling and a light kiss is dropped to the patch of skin where collarbone meets neck.
'Morning, Baby' Chloe hums into Beca's hair, placing a soft kiss to the top of her head. She feels Beca shudder slightly and she can't decide whether it's a reaction to the kiss or the word 'Baby'. Probably the latter. She enjoys the reaction that word inspires in Beca's body so, so much. Every time she uses it, there's a small tweak to her lips, a darkening of already barely blue eyes... or a light shudder of her body, like this morning. It's kind of addicting actually and she muses over how Beca's body reacts even more strongly to the word when it's whispered into the brunette's ear at just the right moment.
Chloe follows the train of thought and starts to relive some more of the highlights from the night before, and early hours of this morning, a barely audible giggle escaping her before her brain can catch up enough to stop it. Beca shifts in her arms again, mumbling a 'Something funny Beale?', Into her shoulder.
'Just enjoying this,...us,...you, Bec' Chloe squeezes her arms around Beca just a touch tighter as the girl she holds hums her approval.
Chloe smiles and gets lost in the memories of last night again. Their lovemaking, because that's exactly what it is, love, is just, well... everything Chloe always knew it would be. It's an entirely new aspect of what was, even before recent events, an already deep relationship but Chloe is completely and utterly floored by how amazing learning Beca this way is. It's not exactly what Chloe would call 'tentative' but there's an aspect of it that...she smiles again with the thought finding it's conclusion... is so, so them. They compliment each other, even in the most intimate settings...Chloe, passionate, caring, free...Beca, cautious, patient and so, so vulnerable when she trusts enough to be.
With the familiarity also comes so much 'new' in this escalation of their relationship and Chloe still can't quite believe that, given how much she prided herself on knowing about Beca, how very much she didn't know. The journey is inexplicably wonderful though and she vows not to waste a second of it.
Chloe thinks over how Beca's nose twitches slightly every time she leans in to kiss her... it's quite possibly the most adorable thing she's ever seen. How Beca doesn't relinquish even the smallest of contact with Chloe, until she absolutely has to... that ones not so new actually, Chloe thinks but their touches are more intimate now, searching, exploring, comfortable... beautiful. Chloe especially enjoys the faint hint of emotion that sparkles in Beca's eyes whenever they are alone together now, again, there's always been something there but Chloe knows, without a shadow of a doubt what it is now. Beca doesn't 'struggle' with her feelings for Chloe anymore but Chloe can tell, that they're still a little overwhelming for the smaller women. The glint of barely formed tears that appear in Beca's eyes at their most intimate of moments is testimony to that.
Those words, 'barely formed tears' are still just about formed in her head and completely unexpectedly, land in a place of caution. There's still a conversation that they haven't had.
Chloe has been intermittently ruminating over this particular part of their immediate history with more and more trepidation lately. It's one that pinches, for both of them but they haven't really had a chance to 'put it to bed'. Between Beca's tour and her own commitments at school, they've barely had a chance to be 'together' yet, let alone have a deep and meaningful about things she'd rather forget. She really doesn't want to have this conversation at all, she doesn't want to mar any of the short time they have together but it had ultimately been the catalyst that sparked the changes she's enjoying so much, and she doesn't want any lingering doubts or misunderstandings between them either.
Deep breath.. 'Bec?'... they've been silent for a while now and Chloe isn't sure if Beca is still awake.
'Hmmmm?' Tickles across her collarbone again.
She gathers herself, not really sure how this going to go..'I'm..., I'm so sorry' Chloe finally ventures.
Beca reacts immediately, setting herself quickly up on her forearms, concern fixing the contours of her face..'Are you breaking up with me?...What, why...wait, what did I do?.. I, I can...' Chloe is so taken aback by the words that it takes a second for her to negate them.
'No!!' She exclaims, 'God Beca, baby, no! Never! You will never... and I mean NEVER', she punctuates the word especially hard to get the point home 'hear those words from me! Ok? Why would you even think that?' She waits for a reply, cursing the tears that are forming in Beca's eyes this time. This is so not how she wanted this to go.
'I..I don't know...?' Beca asks, more to herself than Chloe and her posture softens a little 'Jesus Chloe, don't do that to me!' She falls flat, pillow hiding her face, slightly away from Chloe now. Chloe has always enjoyed stroppy Beca but this time it stings a little too.
'I'm sorry...again,' she tries to put this right, start from scratch, 'that's not how I wanted to start this'.
Beca turns her head to face Chloe, eyes still a little glassy, face confused, 'What's going on Chlo?'
Chloe takes a hiccuping breath, 'shit!' she thinks to herself, 'not now!' But her emotions are starting to get the better of her too. Beca notices all to quickly and is back at Chloe's side before she can speak again. 'I just, I need to, to apologise, for...' she glances at Beca's face, there's concern again, she doesn't want that. 'For...Chicago'.
Beca winces, 'Baby?', Chloe tries but she can see that Beca is taking a moment, finding her words, so she waits.
'I'm not gonna lie Chlo', Beca begins, before pausing again...'it's not hitting my top ten memories of you anytime soon'. ...Humour. Relief washes over Chloe, ok, she can do this.
'There's a top ten list, huh?' She asks, mirth lightly lacing her words.
Beca raises an eyebrow. 'There's a top few thousand Chloe, as well you know, don't make it weird'. Chloe smiles warmly at her.
Beca raises herself into a sitting position, leans back against the headboard and closes her eyes before continuing, 'this is too much 'real' before coffee, babe'. Chloe still isn't quite used to the newer terms of endearment from Beca, with another smile she pushes herself up, catching Beca's lips quickly as she raises and extricates herself from the blankets to start a pot of coffee.
She can feel Beca's eyes on her before she's even made it halfway to the Kitchen counter and with a slight wiggle of her bare behind, she throws a sultry look back at her girlfriend. 'Enjoying the view, Bec?'
Beca's been caught and as her cheeks start to show a tinge of pink, Beca crosses her arms across her own naked chest and huffs, 'What!?I'm allowed to look now!' Chloe grins to herself and goes back to preparing the coffee.
'Can I ask why?' Beca questions flatly. Chloe spins to face her, the unexpectedness of the question clear in her face. Beca continues with a little more nervousness in her voice now Chloe's facing her. 'I mean, like, don't feel like you have to go into fine detail here ...I'm not sure I can stomach that, but, like...I didn't... I mean, I don't... get it, I thought we were..'
'On the same page?' Chloe finishes for her, smiling gently.
'Yeah' Beca utters. 'Something like that'
Chloe finishes making their coffee and starts toward the bed, before pausing midway and placing them on the table and turning to Beca. 'Do you want to come and sit?' She offers, taking a seat and hoping that being face to face for this will be easier for them both in the long run. Nowhere to hide.
Beca looks shocked first and slowly raises one eyebrow again, 'naked?' She queries.
Chloe throws another smirk towards her girlfriend with a soft 'mmhmm', punctuating the hum of sound with a wink.
'Oooookaaaay' Beca slides from the bed, stands stretching out her still sleepy muscles and Chloe watches every one pop and ripple with the movement. All Chloe can think is 'wow'. Feeling the flush of heat creeping up her neck, she stands to meet Beca as she makes her way to the table. 'Ah, Chloe?...you ok there?' Beca asks, eyebrows raised in question again, arm outstretched to stop Chloe in her tracks.
'Uh...yeah, um, I...' she's flustered, and judging by the smirk on Beca's face, her girlfriend damn well knows it.
Beca's cocky side is one of Chloe's favourites, it's firmly etched across her face, not helping Chloe keep a lid on her growing arousal at all, and she watches Beca stalk the last few feet to grasp her hips. 'Hey beautiful lady' Beca pulls Chloe into an instantly deep and probing kiss, whilst edging her backwards 'til the back of her thighs just touch the lip of the table.
Beca lets go of the kiss, grasping Chloe's bottom lip with her teeth as she goes. A brief tug and she leaves Chloe whimpering as she peppers kisses across her cheek, down the length of her neck and nips at the sensitive skin where Chloe's neck turns into shoulder. Chloe grasps the edges of the table behind her and pushes her chest into Beca, arching in to her attentions.
Beca moves quickly from playful nips to bruising, rough kisses to the same spot and Chloe grabs the back of Beca's head, holding her in place, 'Oh...GOD...I ...love you.. Beca' she puffs out between heavy breaths.
Beca sinks teeth into already sensitive skin and sucking it into her mouth as she releases her grasp, hands still holding her hips, she steps closer between Chloe's legs and tugs her centre within millimetres of the friction Beca knows she is rapidly growing desperate for. Chloe starts to roll her hips at the new position, searching for contact and the table rocks gently with her. 'Shit! She exclaims, hands still holding Beca's head tight to her, 'Bec...OH GOD...Shit, ahh... Baby... the coffee...MOVE THE GOD DAMN COFFEE...'
With one final tug of flesh, Beca lifts her head, looking over Chloe's shoulder and moves to collect a cup, 'oh yeah...wicked, thanks babe', she sweeps round the table and takes a seat to the left of her girlfriends disbelieving, slightly disheveled self.
'BECA MITCHELL...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!!?' Chloe is clearly not amused by the turn of events.
'I love it when you swear Chlo..' Beca's winks and blows a kiss at Chloe as she continues, 'sooooo hot' and clicks her tongue at her, leaning back in her chair and claiming her coffee again.
'What the hell just happened' is Chloe's inner monologue as she rights herself and taking a few deep breaths, moves to the seat facing Beca.
'Proud of yourself?' Chloe quips, with slightly more bite than necessary, but seriously...she's barely keeping it together right now.
'Very' Beca's wide smile is clearly visible as she sips at her coffee, eyes locking with Chloe's over the rim of the mug. As she drops the mug back to the table and with a shrug she adds, 'besides, if we have to talk about soldier boy, I want to know you're THINKING of me'. Beca sets her mug aside and realises that might not have been the right thing to say, Chloe's face has dropped slightly and she's not sure where her eyes are looking anymore but it's not into her own. 'Too soon to laugh about it?' She asks, Chloe does find her eyes then and there's a gentle smile again.
'I really am sorry Bec' It's so sincere that Beca's next breath catches slightly in her throat.
'I know Chloe', Beca really does, 'like I said, I just... fuck me this is stupid...' Hands running through her hair, Chloe knows she's trying to find the words. 'After Jesse and everything, I just thought, well I thought we were both ready for this, I mean I know it's my fault it's taken so long...'
'No, Bec, it's...' Chloe tries to defend Beca from her self judgement.
'Chloe...stop, ok, let me try and get this out before I get self conscious and...' pausing, she looks down at her completely naked body and back up to look at Chloe again, '...I mean even more self conscious...'
'I don't know what you think you have to be self conscious about, I'm certainly still enjoying the view...' Beca glares half heartedly at her 'sorry' she says, hands up, 'you were saying?...'
Beca runs her hands through her hair one last time and expels what is obviously a very deep breath before continuing. 'I made a lot of mistakes with you Chlo' Beca sees her girlfriend move to argue with her and cuts her off again with another querk of her eyebrow.
'Shutting up' Chloe says whilst drawing a pretend zip across her lips.
'Thank you... like I said, mistakes. It's not an excuse or anything but, like, I wasn't even aware I was making them. It took Jesse breaking up with me, telling me exactly what I already had for me to realise what the fuck I'd been doing'. She chances a glance at Chloe, she looks confused, eyes slightly scrunched.
'I don't understand Bec, what mistakes? I never blamed you for what we DIDN't have in our relationship then, it's not like I pushed the subject either...you were always going to be worth the wait'.
Beca blushes at the last sentence and Chloe reaches forward to squeeze her hand. Beca decides to try again.
'You know when we first met..., the day of the fair, the first thing I did when I saw you, I mean the first thing I actually saw were your eyes...everything else kind of swam in and out of focus for a second..' Beca's hand comes up to blur the air in front of her, illustrating her point. '...but, like, yeah...I saw you and I actually had to take a breath. I didn't even stop to think about why?... I mean, Aubrey and her pet snark mostly prevented it that day but...it's been like, a thousand other things since then Chloe...The shower, singing for you at auditions, no diggity, just the way you are, our argument at the retreat, experimentation, graduation, worlds, moving to New York, sharing almost everything, a frigging bed for gods sake! ...Every boundary I let you cross, every part of my hardass facade you broke...For so long... everything Chloe, everything came with feelings I didn't know what to do with,...you made me feel, I mean you MAKE me feel... I just I had no idea anyone could make me feel... THIS. You're the only person that's ever made me feel these things, I didn't recognise it...know how to process it...so I just...I just didn't.' Chloe starts to run her thumb over the back of Beca's hand, head hung slightly, smiling to herself.
'Am I amusing you?' Beca asks, half seriously.
'Just having a wander down memory lane Baby... you started it!' Chloe giggles softly and Beca's heart settles a little.
'Right, well... yeah... ok, so Jesse' Chloe tries to keep her face neutral at that name, she doesn't hate him, she loves that he made Beca happy in his own way, doesn't mean she wouldn't have given anything to trade places with him though.
'I.., ok so' Beca can see new lines of question in Chloe's face so she makes a concerted effort to get to her point. ' Jesse...we were together but really, after the first couple of months, We weren't...he just, I don't know...became a part of my scenery...Oh God, that sounds so, so...Ughk, I'm the worst' She shakes her head at herself but feels Chloe squeeze her hand again and as she looks up, the redhead is gently shaking her head at her, smile still warm.
'I told you what he said right? That the reason we were breaking up was because I already had everything I needed?' Beca pauses and accepts the small nod that Chloe offers in reply. 'but I didn't tell you why he said it...'Chloe takes a breath and her eyes widen slightly...'he told me that we'd basically been using each other as a 'crutch', I didn't get it at first but he was right. We loved each other, like I love, I don't know...' she looks around quickly...'coffee...ya know, it's comforting and familiar. With him, there was never going to be heartache, there wasn't hardship, no fluttering of heartstrings...but keeping him meant, well, it meant I didn't have to think about those things as a reality, does that make sense?' Beca asks quietly, Chloe's face is still warm but there's an edge of question to the nod she makes now so Beca presses on. '...he told me that...He told me I had everything I needed, here...with you'. Chloe's eyes pop wide in disbelief at that but she doesn't interrupt.
Beca turns Chloe's hand over and starts to run finger tips across its palm...'I hate that whilst I was protecting myself by keeping Jesse around...I was...stopping myself from enjoying the things I already had with you Chloe' she stops tracing lines in Chloe's palm and laces their fingers together. Chloe is still silent but Beca can't bring herself to look up just yet.
'Chlo, I had heartache with you because everything that broke your heart broke mine too, I had hardship with you because I cared so much about what you thought of me, and I desperately wanted to deserve that faith ...and the heartstrings..' She finds the courage to lock eyes with Chloe for this, '...I hope you know,...everything that we have ever shared has made my heart swell, contract, almost beat out of my chest and on the odd occasion... break'.
Tears begin to track down Chloe's face, there's a flutter of movement and before Chloe can process it, Beca is on her knees in front of her, both hands holding her cheeks, she begins to kiss the tears away... which in affect just makes Chloe cry more. With a quiet sob she sinks to the floor in front of Beca.
'Bec' she tries, voice thick with emotion, 'I'm... really...I really am sorry that I ever doubted this, us, what we have. I... I just...' she's really struggling to find the right words, she takes a moment, leans forward and places her forehead against Beca's, reaching up and taking the hands from her face and lacing their fingers back together, she finds strength in that familiar touch and 'When I saw you with Theo, I mean Bree told me that he caught you when you fell but I...I just, I saw the last six years starting all over again and in that moment I was just so tired'. She breaks away from Beca's forehead and drops a light kiss to her girlfriends lips before finding her eyes. 'Bec... I never meant, I mean obviously I knew it would hurt you but that isn't why I did it... I just, that whole night was so emotional but, well it sounds silly now but you'd sung one line of your song to me that night, just one line directly to me...', the words 'I don't belong to you and you don't belong to me' drift sweetly out of Chloe's mouth, breaking slightly in places, '...I thought I was having to let you go, again... and I just, I just wanted SOMETHING that could really be mine, right then... and, and he was the only thing there at that moment that I thought wanted to be'.
Beca sniffs, she's crying softly now too, so many years of information slotting in to the places that it should always have been.
'Please don't cry Baby' Chloe says unsteadily, bringing Beca's hands to her lips and kissing each knuckle in turn. 'I'm so, so, so sorry, please believe me?'
'Chloe...you really thought that?' she says, squeezing the fingers that are still laced with hers.
Beca begins to stand, bringing Chloe with her, until they're face to face once more.
Beca brings her hands back up to frame Chloe's face and guides her back to her lips. Soft, slow kisses are traded before Beca leads them back to their bed. She sits Chloe on the edge and kneels in front of her, fingers lacing again. 'It was supposed to be our time ya know' she explains, 'the tour...it was... I spent so many hours listening to songs, trying to tell you I finally knew how I felt, through the music I picked, ...I was trying to sweep you off your feet Chlo' Chloe looks up, slight confusion gracing her face as her head twitches to one side, questioning Beca's confession without words.
Beca leans forward and kisses one cheek, then leans forward and softly sings 'You're worth more than diamonds, more than gold' she pulls back, kisses the tip of Chloe's nose, then the other cheek and whispers into the other ear 'Nothing in this world means more than what you're worth'
Chloe pulls Beca into her arms and clings tightly too her. Beca can feel the gentle shake of Chloe's body against her chest, the one that tells her Chloe is crying again, so she whispers again... 'I don't like it, I love it, so good it hurts...I don't want it, I've GOT to have it... I can't find the words'
'Beca' Chloe drops her head to Beca's shoulder, quietly sobbing into the skin there, Beca can feel each tear as it drops from Chloe's face and rolls down her chest.
Beca begins to rock Chloe gently, arms around her tightly, leaning down to rest her head on top of the redheads she sings so softly that she's not even sure Chloe can hear her anymore. 'Today the way I play the game is not the same, no way, I think I'm gonna get me some happy' she drops her head lower, sings just a little louder, 'I think there's something you should know, I think it's time I told you so..there's something deep inside of me, there's someone else I got to be'.
Chloe's body starts to shake a little harder, Beca is concerned for a split second before she realises that the tears have turned to quiet laughter.
Beca sits back a little and brings her hands up to Chloe's face to guide it back to hers, Chloe's smile is breathtaking. Beca beams back at her and promises 'I won't give you up, I won't let you down'
With that, Chloe's laughter breaks free, it's on the verge of uncontrollable and she throws her body backwards on to the bed. Beca stands, a little taken aback by the reaction but shrugs and crawls across the bed to lie beside her maniacal girlfriend. She props her head up on one hand and waits.. and waits...
As Chloe's laughter begins to dull Beca asks, 'You quite finished Beale?'
Chloe turns and looks at Beca quickly, 'oh my god, Beca!' She throws her hands over her face, rolling her head from side to side, Beca's barely able to discern the next words but she just catches them, 'I thought you were singing about how much you loved music!' And the laughter starts again.
It's ok... Beca is a patient woman.
Chloe calms herself eventually and turns to look at Beca. Her smile is so warm that Beca considers just leaving the rest of this conversation and curling up with that smile... but Chloe needs to know, it's better now, before she has to walk out that door without her.
'I was' Chloe raises an eyebrow and reaches across the scant distance to push a lock of Beca's hair behind her ear.
'You were what Baby?' Chloe asks.
'I was, ya know...ah singing, about how much I love music' Chloe's head moves half an inch away, trying to figure out where this is going. Beca shakes her head slightly, pushing away the sudden wave of nerves in her chest. 'You're the music in my life Chloe. You always have been...' She can tell Chloe is about to cry again from the way her lip starts to quiver but she's going to get through this if it kills her...which it might, embarrassment is a deadly foe...'The rhythm of my life changed when I met you and you've kept that beat steady ever since. I wouldn't have any of this, no college, no Bella's, no tour...no music, Not the way I hear it now, none of it without you' she reaches from Chloe's cheek then, swiping away the solitary tear that has escaped with her thumb. 'I didn't know it could be any different before you but you showed me how much more I could have, how much more I could hear. You gave me my greatest loves Chloe, you make everything in my life better...you're... you're the best thing that ever happened to me'.
Beca can't see Chloe's reaction to her little outpouring of sentiment because before her eyes can even focus on her face again, the redhead is back in her arms, clinging to her for dear life, sobbing... again. Beca smiles though, she is so happy, she can't believe that she didn't know this existed before she loved, truly allowed herself to love Chloe. She's certain Chloe isn't going to let her forget her sappy, heartfelt offering anytime soon but, right now, she doesn't care. She'll take whatever Chloe can give her, that women is the greatest gift she's ever received.