K: Ano….. konnichiwa? Heh heh…. ;
crickets chirp
K: Dai? Did you bug-nap Cricki from Mulan again?
Dai: looks up from where he's gazing through a portal, dreaming about Naito and Yuuki Hn?
K: --; Guess not…. clears throat Anyhoo, GOMEN NE for not posting in such a long time, but it takes a while to turn Stonehenge to gravel, if you know what I mean… ; Besides, I kinda got caught up in Kingdom Hearts and then Tyka Beyblade fics (which I now write both, or am trying to write a Tyka, at least… 1 chapter down, but still no title… UU;) so I haven't really felt the need to be angsty. There was once occurrence that would've helped me update a bit faster if I'd taken the emotional opportunity, but I started writing "Korera no Naka ni da Kimochi Desu" instead, so that's where THAT bout of angst went… ;
And then, there was the problem of trying to remember where the hell I wanted to go with this fic… I dun think I ever really had a set goal, so it's no wonder I still can't remember… ; Besides, I reviewed my past chapters, and I had to wing it on all of them, so…. Yeah… ; That's why this segment is another songfic chapter… --; I've had soooo many good songfic ideas- especially since I'm listening to those songs right now, so… Some of them are more of 'angry break-up' type songs though, or those sappy fluff ones by Michelle Branch or Hikki-sama… (HIKARU UTADA ROCKS!!!!! coughs and blushes Um. Yeah… I just bought the Hikari and Colors singles…. ;)
Oh- one other thing… I finally found out Yami Malik and Yami Bakura's Egyptian names, so that's what they're gonna be called here… Malik's still gonna call him 'Mariku' cuz' he dunno that much about Ahmose…. For now…. evil, secret-hiding grin
Well, ON WITH THE SHOW!!!
Disclaimer: singing along to 'Lying From You' by Linkin' Park
When I pretend-
That everything is how I want it to be
That I own my favorite mangas and all of the bishis
When I pretend-
It just reminds me that those things will never be
All the big manga producers would just turn and sue me
But I'll pretend-
Even though I still know that I'm just
Trying to bend the truth
But I dun own-
They're all on loan
So leave me be. XP
DEDICATIONS: To……
Merodi no Yami and Naito (Domo again for the fanart! It's tacked up on the wall beside me even as we speak!)
Neechi and Neesha (Sure! I'd love to hear your theory! Go ahead and either e-mail it to me or leave it in your review!)
Princess Strawberry (Um… It's not all that fluffy till later, but it's going back to Yami and Yuugi! ; Is that okei for now?)
Saphy-chan (a link to where you can see the cover of the calendar is on my bio. page… Go check it out! -)
Silver Dragon (Funny? blinks, then blinks again How so? ; My friend Shinji and his yami Tora no Kurayami think my life with THEM thumbs at the mass of bishonen behind her is hilarious too… I guess I can kinda see that, but for me, it's just daily life, ya know? ;)
Nicki (Yeah, I got it. You were the only one to reply… UU; Ah well- that's why I'm writing THIS ONE instead of one of the OTHER 5 stories I have to do… -)
Mou Hitori no Jinkaku: Eisei
The Other Personality: Eternity
When
I pretend everything is what I want it to be
I look exactly like
what you always wanted to see
When I pretend, I can't forget
about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just cause I
know I can
(Yuugi)
It's been about half a month since it happened… since that dismal day of reckoning. Life has returned to a somewhat normal state, but then again, how normal can it be when there's an ancient spirit sharing your body? Not to mention the fact that, though he used to love to hurt me, now he's slowly turning kind and caring…
Do you know why? It's because he 'feels something for me'. He may not know what exactly his emotions are telling him, but I can tell, even if I've never experienced those feelings either. He loves me, or at least, he's beginning to… It's kinda nice, actually… At least I'm not suffering anymore, right? On the outside, at least…
But on the inside… I can't help but think of how wrong this all is. I shouldn't be acting as if nothing has happened… It's still all my fault those people died…. I have no right to be happy while their own chances for such a thing were brutally ripped away from them… What I'm doing now just shows how horrible a person I am. I shouldn't be denying my past mistakes…
But-
I
can't pretend this is the way it'll stay I'm just
(trying to
bend the truth)
I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be, so
I'm
But I have to keep doing this… I have to. Do you know why? It's because if I let my true feelings show, it will only upset those who care about me.
Kaiba-senpai…. Jounochi-kun…. Mou hitori no boku… Even Grandpa and Mom, though they don't always show it. They'd only worry about me, and I don't want that. I don't want them to be sad because of me… But….
I'm not so sure I can hold it all in anymore. I've managed to hide it from Mou hitori no boku, for now at least, but there's always the possibility he can read my thoughts and emotions. He could have easily done so long ago, and could just be hiding the fact he knows what I'm going through, but I don't think that's the case. If he knew, would he really act as if nothing were wrong with me?
(Lying
my way from you)
No no turning back now
(I wanna be pushed
aside so let me go)
No no turning back now
(Let me take back my
life, I'd rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere
on my own cuz I can see)
No no turning back now
(The very worst
part of you is me)
Still- I just can't do this anymore. It settles like a dead weight upon my heart, and I know, sooner or later, it'll drop through. I can't do this forever… I'm too weak. And, even if it's hard, I still have to at least try. I can't let this spread to them too…
I alone should be the one to suffer. No one else needs to…
I
remember what they taught to me
Remember condescending talk of who
I ought to be
Remember listening to all of that and this again
So
I pretended up a person who was fittin' in
And now you think
this person really is me and I'm
(Trying to bend the truth)
But
the more I push the more I'm pulling away 'cuz I'm
(Yami/Atemu)
What is this feeling? Never before have I felt such a thing… It's like I'm warm inside… It's making me act strangely- I want to be… kind. Kind to the one I had once loved to hurt the most… What in Ra's name is wrong with me?!
I remember what the council of elders used to tell me… the ones who taught me to be cold and ruthless; to always hide my heart. I had to become as good a ruler as father, they had said… And to them, that meant having a darkened soul and a frozen heart. I'd been much too young to even think of rising against them, and followed their teachings, though I didn't understand why they were making me do this.
(Lying
my way from you)
No no turning back now
(I wanna be pushed
aside so let me go)
No no turning back now
(Let me take back my
life I'd rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere
on my own cuz I can see)
No no turning back now
(The very worst
part of you)
(The very worst part of you is ME)
In the end, I believe my 'training' led to my demise. They'd used me- molding my younger, innocent self into a tool; a puppet they could command. They'd lied to me about my father's way of living- of how he treated his people. Under his protection, no one had suffered, and the land had been prosperous… Yet, under my own, the Upper and Lower kingdoms were harsh and unforgiving; poisoned by my actions under the council.
The council… THEY are the reason I am how I am today… In their corruption, their quest to quench the undying thirst for power, they'd secretly assassinated my family, making it seem as if the people were at fault. My mother had been killed while attending a feast in our honor- sent to an eternal sleep by unknowingly drinking palm wine mixed with the venom of a deadly snake of the Nile. My father was heartbroken, bent on finding who had done such a thing, but was found strangled to death in his bedchamber, a length of coarse linen wrapped about his neck.
I had been left so utterly alone, barely having experienced 6 passings of Sothis- the star that signaled the coming of the great waters of the Nile. I was the perfect pawn in their blasphemous game. What free will I had was crushed by the death of my parents, and I was like the soft clay of the riverbank- bending to their every whim, for it was all I knew.
This isn't what I wanted to be, I never thought that what I said
Would
have you running from me
Like This
This isn't what I wanted
to be, I never thought that what I said
Would
have you running from me
Like This
This isn't what I wanted
to be, I never thought that what I said
Would
have you running from me
Like This
This isn't what I wanted
to be, I never thought that what I said
Would
have you running from me
Like This
Then I'd found out. I discovered everything about their little game, and was horrified by the truth. I'd played right into their hands, not even thinking of the effects of my actions. My entire life had been a lie…… and I wanted revenge.
I'd turned on them, fighting back in my blind rage. It was a foolish and wasted effort, however, since they'd been prepared for it, in case it ever did happen. They'd sealed me in the puzzle, using the shattered and confined souls of 2 others to complete the spell. I was left in the darkness, and there was absolutely nothing I could do…
Not. A. Fucking. Thing.
(You)
No turning back now
(I wanna be pushed aside so let me go)
No no turning back now
(Let me take back my life I'd rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere on my own cuz I can see)
No no turning back now
(The very worst part of you)
(The very worst part of you is me)
(Both)
So here I am. After all that I've gone through- all the pain I've endured…
At times, I wish I could just turn back the course of time- make it so none of this ever happened. Would I be happier? Honestly, I don't know. I'd be forced to live on my own, an endless sense of doubt and fear weighing upon my shoulders.
But alas, I can't turn back now- even if I wanted to. The years have slipped through my fingers; lost to me forever, like grains of sand through a sieve. All I can do is follow my heart, however hard that may be…
(Atemu)
I open my eyes, letting my thoughts drift back to the dark corners of my mind. All I have is eternity, so there is no sense living in the past… My train of thought had brought forth a myriad of chaotic emotions, but there was one that shone through. There was something different about it, though I had known and felt it most of my life… It was sorrow.
I concentrated, trying to find why this would be so foreign to me, and found it was because it had not originated from myself. It was my charge's pain. His own heartbreak… His own despair….
I felt my eyes widen at this, wondering what on Earth could have made him so. I had done nothing since that day, but perhaps he too was reliving horrid memories? There was a sharp pain in my chest, as if someone had driven a dagger into it- why? Why did I feel this way? Why did I worry so?
Regardless of my confusion, I gently called him to me, bringing his soul to this realm. He was crying; silver tears coursing down his cheeks, each one cutting deeper into my heart. He sat clutching his knees, his head down, and was oblivious to his surroundings.
I moved toward him, my body acting on its own. He heard my footsteps and jerked his head upwards, just now realizing where he was. He then turned to me, his soft violet eyes wide with fear. Fear of what? Of me? Fear of why I had summoned him here so abruptly?
"NO!" he shouted, backing away and shaking his head in disbelief. "No! This… This wasn't supposed to happen! No!"
He squeezed his eyes shut, clutching his head and trembling as he mumbled it over and over. I moved to him again, crouching next to him and placing a hand on his left shoulder. His body went rigid, and he slowly brought his hands away and looked up at me. He stared at me in uncertainty, a still silence passing for what seemed like forever.
"Y- you're worried about me… Why?" he whispered, and the tears came again. "Why? Why do you care?! You're not supposed to love me, dammit! No one's supposed to love me! I only end up hurting them!"
Love? I… love him? Is that what this was? Is that what I've been feeling all this time?
His rambling dissolved into more tears, and sobs wracked his frail body. The dagger in my chest twisted again, and I felt that I must do everything within my power to mend his broken heart. I tentatively wrapped my arms around him, holding him to me as he cried.
"I… I don't know why I feel this way. And…. And if there's a way to stop it, I doubt that I would want to. It's not your fault I have fallen for you, Yuugi… It's not that at all…" I stated, rubbing up and down his back with my right hand in an attempt to calm him.
I remember a time when my mother had done the same for me, after I'd injured myself when tripping over my robes. She'd held me close like this, whispering soothing words in my ear… My only memory of her left….
"Yuugi… It wasn't you who hurt the ones you care about, it was me… And for that, I'm… I'm sorry. I know that 'sorry' isn't enough, but…. But it's all I can do. I promise never to hurt you or your friends and family again… If I do, may Ra send me to the depths of the underworld, never to be let into the light again…"
He gazed up at me, his eyes red and shimmering with unshed tears. "Do you….mean that, mou hitori no boku?" (other me)
I wiped away a tear that had just begun to fall from his beautiful face and nodded, a small smile coming to my face. "Yes. And please, call me Atemu…."
He returned the smile before burying his face in my chest, hugging me back. "Thank you, Atemu…."
And as we sat like that, I can truly believe it when I think eternity might not be all that bad…
K: sighs, leans back in her chair, and wipes the sweat from her forehead Whew! FINALLY!
Dai: peeks over her shoulder Wha? You mean you ACTUALLY managed to FINISH one of the 6 chapters you started?! OO;
K: growls Oh, kheper ger, Dai… (be silent)
Dai: whistles innocently I have no idea what you mean… tries to keep a straight face
K: eye twitches Yeah, sure… You know, it might be a helluva lot more believable if you weren't snickering every other second!
Dai: decides his lie is shot to hell anyway and falls to the floor, laughing his ass off XD
K: twitch twitch Dai, do you even WANT to see your precious Naito again, cuz' if you don't, you're doing a pretty good job of making me ban you from seeing him!
Dai: OO NOOOOOOO!!! I'll be good, I swear! UU;
K: smirks That's better. I'll have to remember that one…. clears her throat and turns to readers Anyhoo, I hope you liked this chapter, considering how much of a pain it was trying to find enough inspiration to write it… The facking Mou Hitori Bunny decided to take a long ass vacation…. scowls
sighs Well anyway, hope you liked it, and tell me what you thought in your reviews, k? I wanna know if it seems like I'm going too fast in everyone's relationships…. ; rolls her eyes Probably… --;