FIVE
With the sound of the door opening, the spell between the two was broken. As soon as Meredith laid her eyes on the person who entered the door, she let go of Mark's hand.
His gaze went to her hand. Mark shouldn't have been surprised by Meredith's action, because, of course she will, but he thought he felt something, he thought he saw something flickered in her eyes as they stared at each other. But maybe it's nothing, maybe it's just his mind making these things up.
He sighed. He looked at her, but she wasn't looking at him anymore. She was now staring intently at Derek who was moving closer to them.
He closed his eyes to compose himself. This day has been hard for him, his walls are not as stable as it's supposed to be right now. Then he smiled, his default one as he stood up from the chair beside Meredith's bed.
"Well, that is my cue to leave." Without another word, he turned his back to them, but not without him looking at her for one last time. Then he left.
But he missed how Meredith's gaze followed him as he closed the door.
If anyone asked her if she thinks that Derek will visit her, her answered would have been a straight no. She hoped, but she never expected him to come. Because he is Derek. And after the stunt that she pulled during the ferry incident, she was sure that Derek wouldn't be able to look at her anymore.
But here he was staring at her. She can't help but stare back. But she can't help but feel something different. Before, when she stares at Derek, she doesn't see anything else, only him and his McDreaminess. But now, her eyes flickered towards Mark who was making a move towards the door. There was something between them. She felt it, and she was sure that he felt it, too. But why is he leaving? She felt a stabbing pain in her chest for a moment as she heard the door clicked back to its place.
Meredith was now alone with Derek. She should be happy that he was here now, but she feels uncomfortable.
Derek just stood there at the foot of her bed, still staring at her. She can't read what he was thinking right now, but she is sure that it's not good. He broke his gaze from her and went to sit by the chair that was recently abandoned by Mark, then he let out a long sigh.
"You know how to swim." He said. Meredith had been expecting that. She knows what he had been thinking all day, ever since he saw her in the bathtub. "Yeah, I know."
"What were you thinking?" It was just a whisper, but she can hear the anger rising above the surface as he asked the question. She doesn't say anything, because what can she say that can make him feel better? Yes, she knows how to swim, and she swam. But it wasn't worth it. She's just tired. So she let go.
She closed her eyes because she can't look at Derek and see the disappointment in his eyes. She has seen that look more than anyone has. She should have been used to it by now, but the idea of Derek looking at her like that to, she won't be able to take it.
"I was thinking, what's the point?" It's always not enough, I'm always not good enough. She wanted to add those words, but he can't let him in anymore. He's seen too much.
"What about me? Did you even think of me when you decided to stop fighting? What about Christina? Or Izzie and George? Or Alex? Did you think of them? They're your family. They care about you. Isn't that enough?"
"You don't know anything. You don't even understand. My mother is dead." And with that, Derek's eyes widen. He was about to ask how she knew but she managed to cut him. "I knew because I saw her. She was there in the afterlife or whatever that place was. She spoke to me and said that she was proud of me. Can you believe that? All my life, I had been waiting for those words, and now she finally said it. That's the thing I needed the most, her approval, and that drove me to fight again. I'm here now, Derek." Then she reached for his hand, which he reluctantly accepted.
"That's good to hear." As Meredith heard those words, Mark's smile flashed in her mind. She unconsciously smiled at the thought. But then she realized something. Mark understood her, even if she only said three words. Or even if he didn't understand her, her answer was enough for him. She frowned at the thought as she looked at her and Derek's interlocked hands. Will Derek ever understand her? Will he be able to accept her for who she is someday? Or can he?
Derek knew. He knew from the start that she chose that path. But to hear her say it, it's unbearable. He doesn't know what to do. He then saw her reach for his hand. I'm here now, Derek. She's here. That's what's important right now. She's here. So he reached for her hand and interlocked their fingers.
"That's good to hear."
He smiled, but he knows it didn't reached his eyes. He's trying. Really, he is. But the urge to run is much stronger than before.
He was supposed to be waiting for her family to finish. He was supposed to waiting outside the ER for his turn, but here he was, at the rooftop of the hospital, playing golf.
He knows he's running. But he just can't face her. He's not ready to know the truth.
The idea of losing her is just unbearable. Why did she do it? He shook his head. No. He is not supposed to think about that. He doesn't even know what happened.
He closed his eyes and let the wind sweep through his hair. He thought about their first meeting. He thought about every happy memory they made. And he thought about those sparkly eyes. The one that capture his heart.
Then he opened his eyes with a new resolve. He is going to learn about the truth.
He wished he didn't know. He dropped his smile and looked at Meredith intently.
"You have to let me in." "I did." Meredith looked at him with a bit of annoyance in her eyes. He shook his head.
"No. You have to talk to me about these things. That's how this works, Meredith. You can't always run away and go back like nothing ever happened. Don't hide from me." He pleaded.
"You wouldn't be able to handle the whole me, Derek." "Try me." He insisted. He was willing to try. He wants to make this work and he knows that she wants that to.
They stared at each other, no one breaking their gaze, trying to talk using their eyes.
Meredith closed her eyes and let out a long sigh. "Fine." She finally relented, because she can't really say no to him. Not matter how high she built her walls, he was able to break each of those, even if he still doesn't think that she has let him in.
She doesn't want to be alone again. He is the first person who was able to break her walls, he's her chance. So she puts her trust in him and she told him everything.
The fighting, shouting, and breaking of glass.
How her mother tried to kill herself in front of her child self.
The beer bottles scattered in the house.
And the beating.
Derek listened intently in every word. He stayed quiet the whole time. The only reaction he got from him was the moments in between where he squeezes her hand a little bit harder.
After her story, Derek kissed her hand and stood up.
"I just need time to take this all in."
And with that, he's gone.
Addie was standing at the door the whole time, even after Mark's exit. Mark was at her side, leaning against the wall next to the door, staring into space, not really that interested to what's happening in the ER.
She can't really hear the conversation, but she can read Derek's expressions very clearly. And she knows that what Derek wanted to do at that moment is to run. And he did.
When Derek was no longer in sight, she tapped Mark and pointed at the door. Mark reluctantly looked through the window of the door. What he saw broke his heart. Meredith was crying.
Without even thinking, he went inside.
"Hey." He went to her side and grabbed her hand. "What did Derek do now?" The moment Meredith looked at him, it was like the dam just broke. She let out heart-wrenching sobs as she held on to Mark. He just stayed there, not really caring that his scrubs are getting wet from her tears. He felt her cling a little harder as she spoke.
"He left me. After I opened up to him, after I bared my soul, he left me. I knew he won't be able to handle it. I'm too broken, I don't deserve him." She choked on those last words. "I don't want to be alone, Mark." She whispered. Mark's heart broke at her words.
He loosened her grip from him, providing enough distance so that he could look through her eyes. But Meredith got the wrong message. She seems to think that he is also going to run away. This made his determination stronger than before. He held both of her hands and squeezed it.
"I am not going anywhere." He said as he stared intently at her. "And no one is too broken. If he can't handle the real you then he doesn't deserve you. You've been through a lot of pain in your life. But every pain was a step closer to who you are today. You, Meredith Grey, are the strongest person I know."
Meredith stared at Mark, as he said those words. Her eyes are brimming with unshed tears. No one's ever seen her like that, except him. Not even Derek.
She's not really that good with words. So instead of saying anything, she leaned in towards him, until their noses touch, and slightly grazed their lips. She then slowly leaned away, looking at Mark as he slowly opened his eyes, awe and wonder seen through his eyes.
Then she smiled, his favorite one.