Cas Oneshot where he is figuring out all these knew human emotions after being kicked out of the bunker by Dean.

As an angel Castiel never had any… real emotions. Not what the humans would call real at least. He thought he understood them, after being with the Winchesters for so long. He thought he understood humans, knew how they work, knew what to expect. But humans are nothing like angels. Despite their simplicity they are extremely complex creatures.

Castiel had loyalty, loyalty beyond belief. He'd had hope, to a degree and he had what he thought was free will and though that isn't an emotion it made him feel human none the less. The their was love. Brotherly love, the love of family and… something else… sometimes. With all that Castiel was certain he knew what it felt like to be human.

He was wrong. He knew nothing, because he'd never, not in his entire existence as an angel, felt pain like this. It wasn't a physical pain and at first the ex-angel thought he was going mad. He felt it in his chest, his stomach. Sometimes it would just sit there, throbbing, other times it would writhe around, twisting and turning as if something was trying to break loose.

When he figured out it was an emotion, he didn't understand. It was nothing like the love or loyalty he had felt. Nothing like hope, nothing like freedom. It was an emotion that just… hurt. He doesn't know if it has a name. Doesn't know if it's despair, sorrow, grief, betrayal or one just plain hurt. Humans and so many emotions, so many varying emotions that Castiel had quickly discovered he couldn't keep up with them.

Whatever it was, he didn't like it. When it twisted and turned it made all of him ache. His eyes would burn as if they were filling up with something and he eventually realised its what humans felt before they start crying.

Dean had kicked him out. Abandoned him, told him to leave. Told him that he wasn't wanted there. Dean, the one that had always been at his side. The one who always had his back and even when Castiel made the mistake of betraying him he would still be their, ready for when Castiel finally realised he had made a mistake. And then he would pick him up, brush off the dust and forgive him.

Angels always talk about forgiveness. It's all throughout the bible, through all religion in fact, but no one forgives like Dean Winchester. The Righteous man… Castiel understands that now. When Castiel's own brothers and sisters cast him out for what he had done Dean took him in. Dean supported him, cared about him.

But now… now he had gone too far. He must have. Finally he had made too many mistakes to be forgiven. He had failed, destroyed his one chance at actual good and this was his punishment. But still, the question lingered. Why would Dean kick him out? What had he done that was so bad?

As far as Castiel knows Dean doesn't blame him for what Metatron did to him because he knows it was a trap. He knows how gullible Castiel is, how he is so eager to fix his mistakes he is almost blinded by it. He knows all that, knows how much Castiel cares for humans but… Maybe he had changed his mind? Maybe he thinks Castiel is lying. Maybe he thinks this was all on purpose, another ploy. Does Dean hate him like everyone else?

That thought made Castiel hurt more then anything else. His stomach twisted and his eyes stung and he just wanted to curl up and hide. He doesn't like this new feeling. It feels vulnerable, weak. It makes him shake. Makes his throat close up and nose to block, cutting him off from the oxygen he now needs to survive. He opens his mouth to breathe but a sound comes out that he doesn't like either. He knows what crying sounds like. He's heard humans do it before but it's never come from his own mouth before.

Angels don't cry. He shouldn't be crying. But he isn't an angel any more. He's human and is susceptible to all their earth shattering emotions that rage inside their minds, crashing through all the tough barriers they may make. He shouldn't cry. He's never seen Dean cry, so he shouldn't cry either.

Castiel covered his face with his hands, trying to draw back all the ache. How does Dean do it? He goes through so much, things that should break humans and yet he just walks away with a sarcastic remark. How does he not feel all this emotion?

No, he does, Castiel knows he does. He could always see it, feel it when he was an angel, but Dean just never let it show. He never let it out. Bottle it up, they say. But Cas doesn't know how to do that. He's never felt this before, never experienced it before. How can you stop something if you barely even know what it is?

Does that mean Dean's cried before? When he was young? When he wasn't used to these emotions, when they hit him like a tone of bricks like they were to Cas now. The thought made Cas feel a little better, but when he realised who he was still getting comfort from he pushed the thoughts away. He can't rely on them. He can't. If he is to survive on his own he has to learn on his own.

Castiel wiped away the dampness on his cheeks. Lesson one of being human, he doesn't need Dean Winchester.

A/N

Yay! Another oneshot! Any critiques are extremely welcome as I am still learning how to write this stuff and really want to know how I am doing. Also, and idea would be fantastic too though I guess they're called requests here... either way, they're welcome!

Please rate and review! XD

- Malachite