Chapter 17—Gone Boy

I stand frozen for a few moments as I try to process that Christian Grey is kissing me. His lips move against mine, and it feels so good that I can't help but respond, forgetting who I am and where I am at the moment. Slowly reaching up I wrap my arms around his shoulders and bury my fingers in his hair as I push my body closer against his. I feel his warm fingers against the back of my neck and it feels so good that I open my mouth slightly to moan, giving his tongue inadvertent access to my mouth. When I feel his tongue tentatively touch mine, my eyes snap open and I push myself away from him.

I take a deep breath as I turn my back on him and try to get my thoughts in order. Oh my God. I just kissed him. He just kissed me! Oh my God. We kissed! Oh my God. I'm supposed to be a boy! Christian Grey theoretically just kissed a boy! Oh my God. He is gay! No, that can't be. Maybe he knows!

My blood runs cold as I think about him discovering my secret. Luke already knows and if Christian knows that means it's twice more likely that someone else can find out. I can't let that happen! I can't go back to that place. I won't go back to that place.

But why would he kiss me? Even if he does know I'm a girl that's not a good enough reason to kiss me without my permission. I pace back and forth in front of my bed, gnawing on my bottom lip and pulling vigorously at my over-long hair. Oh man, I need a haircut. Not important! Right, right I need to stay focused. But how can I stay focused when Christian just kissed me?

His voice stops me. "Andy, I—I'm sorry," he says, his voice sounding raspy and confused. I turn to look at him and see him running his hands through his hair again, a frightened, uncertain look on his face. "I don't know what's wrong with me." I hear him mutter under his breath.

He looks up at me with wide, wary eyes before he abruptly turns away and quickly leaves the room, not saying another word and shutting the door quietly behind him. I stare at the door for a moment before I plop down on my bed, shocked, confused and a little scared.

I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. Should I go after him? Should I stay here? Should I just wait for him to come back and then talk about it then? If I do that then what do I ask him? Hey, do you realize I'm a boy and you're a boy, and you just kissed me? That would be an eloquently put question. And what if he is gay? I don't want to make him feel bad about it. But then again, he kissed me so I guess theoretically that wouldn't make him gay. But he doesn't know that. Or does he? Why would he leave instead of just telling me he knows I'm a girl if he did know?

I fall back on my bed with every thought imaginable running through my head. I don't know how I'm supposed to process this. I mean, I don't even know how to feel. And what's even worse is that was my first kiss, and it was a kiss I shared with a boy dressed as a boy. This would make a funny story one day. Oh, how I wish one day would come so I don't have to deal with today. Why does all the bad stuff always happen to me? Why am I always the one that has to deal with bad luck?

I continue thinking about all the possibilities that can happen from here on out between me and Christian. Before I know it, I'm dozing off wondering, even though it wasn't an ideal kiss, if I'll dream about kissing my ideal boy again.

….

I wake the next morning in the clothes I fell asleep in last night. And when images of last night tattoo themselves behind my eyelids I look over to see that Christian's bed hasn't been slept in. It's still perfectly made, not even a wrinkle in the sheets is noticeable. I frown as I think about where he is, but when I glance at the clock all thoughts of Christian evaporate as I race to get dress and make it to class on time.

When lunch break comes around, I'm actively looking for Christian and I don't know whether to be concerned or not when I don't see him.

"Everything okay?" Luke asks from beside me at the lunch table.

I give him a smile and nod my head. "Of course. After that show Mrs. Hefflefinger put on I don't think my day can get any better," I joke, making everyone who heard me laugh around the table. I'm grateful when Drew goes into detail of how our Biology teacher fell into a trough of fertilizer/manure during class while she was discussing the circle of life. As they continue to discuss how much the smell of manure resembles the smell of another student's BO, I think about Christian's absence. We have two classes in the morning and I haven't seen him in either. We have our last class together and I can only hope that he'll be there. I don't know if I should feel offended or worried.

Is he avoiding me? Does he never want to see me again? Was the kiss that bad that he can't stand to ever look at my face? I feel a little downhearted at my thoughts and am glad when lunch is finally over and we all head back to our classes.

By the end of the day there is still no sign of Christian. His absence begins to become an everyday thing and by Friday I feel a little worried. I want to ask someone if they know anything, but I don't want to have to tell them why I think he disappeared.

I end up asking Luke as he comes to my room Friday night as he comes to pick me up since we have plans to see a movie off campus.

"Hey, Ana, you ready?" Luke asks, shutting the door behind him as I put on my shoes.

I look up at him and nod but make no move toward the door. Crossing my arms over my chest I look at him and think of a way to ask him about Christian without sounding stupid. I know I can trust Luke with my life, but I really don't want to have to tell him that I had my first kiss with Christian and start in on all the questions again.

"What?" he asks, raising a brow.

"Um, I don't really know how to ask," I murmur quietly, feeling awkward, while I do the cliché shy girl move by putting one foot behind the other and nervously rub the back of my calf.

"You can ask me anything, you know that, Ana."

"I know, it's just that it's kinda . . . awkward."

I sit down on my bed and he sits next to me. "Well, what's it about?"

"Christian," I say.

"And what about him?"

I sigh, then shrug my shoulders. "He's gone."

I look up in time to see him frown in reaction. "What do you mean, he's gone?"

I point over to his bed. "He hasn't come back in four days and I haven't seen him in class either. It's like he vanished."

Luke looks surprised. "He didn't tell you he went back home because his grandfather had a stroke?"

I gaze up at him confused. "What? No. He didn't mention anything like that to me." I look down at my hands. Why didn't he tell me he had a family emergency? And how did I not hear about this? Maybe because you were too busy sulking and overthinking every little detail.

"Yeah, every one noticed the first day he was gone and then Mr. Jansen let it slip that he was allowed a week off for a family emergency. I assumed you knew, which I figured was the reason for your gloomy attitude all week."

I shake my head. Well at least I know he didn't disappear because of me. Yeah, that should have been obvious it's not like your kiss was that great. Well, even if it wasn't great, would that give him reason to avoid me? I'm not sure, but now that I know that at least there is a specific reason for his absence I feel a little lighter, despite the circumstances of his disappearance. I make a mental note to pray for his family and grandfather and hope that he will get better soon. Hopefully he didn't die.

Standing up abruptly, I look down at Luke with a raised brow and say, "Ready to go?"

He only nods his head as he follows me out of the room.

I'm going to start writing more on the weekends so that I can write more chapters ahead, unfortunately the weekends are short but your guys enthusiasm and support makes me want to write. Hopefully this chapter will hold you over until I can get the next chapter posted.

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SS&G xoxo