Chapter 18—Truth or Lie
The weekend passes uneventfully which I'm thankful for. I spent most of my time with Luke. Even though most people would probably enjoy having their dorm to themselves, I don't like being alone. Call it paranoia but I feel like I have a better chance of being caught by my mother and her disgusting husband when I'm by my lonesome, besides Luke is great company.
After leaving his room, I head back to mine and am more than surprised to find Christian unpacking a bag of clothes on his bed. He looks up at me when I step into the room and close the door softly behind me. I'm not really sure what to say, but I settle with saying, "Hi," because it's safe and he can't take it as a bad thing.
"Hi," he responds, dropping his clothes and returning his attention to me.
I walk further into the room, feeling completely awkward and out of place. "How—How's your grandfather?" I ask him, secretly hoping he's okay. I don't really know how to comfort people after a loved one passes. What if he starts crying? I don't think I've ever seen a boy cry. How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to say? I don't know boy codes for situations like this.
Christian shrugs his shoulders but avoids eye contact with me. "He's doing better. He's not the same but he's still alive. That's all I could really ask for."
I nod my head as I slowly make my way to my bed and sit down on the edge, my knees facing the edge of his bed. "Well, I'm glad to hear he's okay," I state quietly, looking at him to gauge his reaction.
He hasn't looked at me in the eyes since I walked into the room. Should I ask him why? No, why would you do that, idiot! I don't know what to do. I've never been in this situation before. I don't know if I should bring up the kiss or just pretend that it never happened. Should I offer to ask Principal O'Brien to switch dorms so he doesn't have to look at me anymore?
Oh my God, am I about to cry? I've been so emotional the past few days and I don't know why. Oh, no. No, no, no. I feel the blood drain from my face as I realize I just started my period. I need to go to the bathroom, but how am I supposed to grab a tampon with him in the same room? Well you have to do something or the blood stains on your butt are going to give you away!
Oh, man. Why did Shark week have to start today? Of all days. I'm tempted to look up at the ceiling and throw my arms wide and scream out Why me, God. Why is it always me? If only it was thunder storming it would be the finishing dramatic touch.
"Andy!"
I blink and focus on Christian. "Huh?"
"I've been calling your name for like a full minute."
"Oh." I shake my head to clear my distracting thoughts, wondering how my mind can take me to the oddest of places at the most inconvenient times. "I'm sorry. What did you want?" I feel a little shiver run down my back as I feel myself leaking. Oh, God. I need the bathroom! It's gonna look like the Red Sea in here soon and then it really will be Shark Week. I'll be in pieces if Christian starts questioning why I have red stains on my butt. Jeez, Ana, Focus!
"I said I think we need to talk," Christian tells me, coming around to the area between are beds and sits down on the edge of his, facing me. He stares at me a moment, as if trying to see deep inside my soul, and then abruptly stands up and comes to sit next to me. I just as abruptly stand up and move away from him. He looks at me confused and I think a little hurt.
But I can't sit next to him. I've heard about pheromones and stuff. What if I give off a pheromone that only boys can smell when a girls on her period? Or worse what if I stay there and get up and there's a huge blood stain on the quilt. Then what can I say, Oh, don't worry about that, I must've just sat on a ketchup packet. Why would I be carrying a ketchup packet in my pocket? These pants don't even have pockets!
Okay, Ana, focus! You need the bathroom before you need to talk, because if you don't get to the bathroom then all you'll be doing is talking.
Clearing my throat and barely looking at him, I say, "Let me use the bathroom first."
He gives me a funny look but nods his head anyway. Not thinking too hard about it, I move as casually as possible, knowing Christian is watching my every move, and grab the small bag I head in the bottom nightstand drawer with my tampons and pads in them.
"What are you doing?" he asks and I can hear the confusion in his voice.
"I—I'm going to the bathroom."
"Yeah, but why are you taking that bag with you?"
I look down at the bag and back at him, then shrug my shoulders as I move quickly to the bathroom. "I need to shave," I mutter when I'm in the bathroom and know and can't really ask me anymore questions without the door cutting him off.
Before the door fully closes I hear him say in a bewildered voice, "Shave what?"
Yeah, Ana, shave what? I bang my hand against my forehead. Of all the things I had to say, why would it have to be that I'm shaving? I can't say I'm shaving my legs. And I don't have facial hair. Ugh, whatever. At least I would be leaving a blood trail, and I guess that's all that matters.
After I'm done doing my business, I wash my hands and tentatively open the door, hoping that by some miracle God finally decided to spare me and have Christian be gone, but as I look out, I see Christian still sitting on the edge of my bed staring out into space. I hold in my sigh as I open the door further and move to the side of my bed to place my bag back into its place.
"That was a quick shave," he comments, and I think I hear humor in his voice.
I look at him to judge his expression but he's not giving anything away. I'm not sure exactly what to do so I stand where I am and wait for him to talk. He raises a brow at me and pats the side on my bed next to him.
I shake my head and move around the bed and sit on the edge of his bed, facing him. I watch him as he watches me as I sit down. It's all more awkward than it should be, but I have no idea of how to break the tension.
"So . . . about what happened, you know, between us—"
I feel my cheeks flame as I think about it, with him sitting across from me. I squirm on his bed as I try to get the feel of his lips moving against mine out of my head and focus on what he's saying, but it's hard to do that when what he's saying is coming from those amazing lips.
"We don't have to talk about it," I hear myself blurt out.
He frowns at me. "Why not?"
"It doesn't have to be a big deal, Christian."
"But it is."
"But it doesn't have to be." Maybe if we don't talk about it, maybe we can move on and act like nothing happened and the chances of him finding out who I really am what be so high.
"But it is!" He stands up and pulls at his hair as he glares at me. "Do you have any idea how I've been feeling, Andy? Do you have any idea of the thoughts that have been going through my head? About the stuff I want to do. To you. A boy!" He starts pacing in front of me as he runs his hands through his hair over and over again. "I thought I was in love with Victoria and the moment you step into that door it's like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've always been so confident about who I am, and you have me questioning every part of me!"
He turns and stands in front of me, and I can see the torment in his eyes. I did this to him. I've made him feel this way. Is my state of mind and possibly my safety more important than his suffering? Maybe you can trust him with your secret, Ana? But how can I be so sure? How could you have been sure to trust Luke? That was different, I had no way of not telling him, he caught me red-handed. But as I look at Christian and see the confusion and frustration in his eyes, I know I can't let him go on thinking that he's something that he isn't. Maybe I can tell him without telling him why?
But how would I do that? That would just create more questions on his part. But I can't not tell him. The poor guy thinks he's gay and it's tearing him up inside, though I don't know if it's because he just has gay feelings—that technically aren't really gay feelings—toward me, or if he's just upset about it because he never realized he was before. Does it really matter? Ugh, no, and I don't know what matters right now. I can't think properly, especially when I feel like a gallon of my blood is pouring out of my lady parts. I don't have enough brain oxygen to deal with this.
Maybe I should just stop thinking about it and just tell him? Maybe just rip off the band-aid and get it over with, and whatever happens happens. But I'm scared. What if my mother finds me? What if I'm forced to go back? There's no telling what he'll do to me and there won't be another chance for me to run away. I know I'll be under lock and key.
"Andy," Christian's anxious voice penetrates my thoughts, "I just need to know. I—I need to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Is it just me? Am I going insane? I—I feel like I'm losing my mind! Like everything I've ever known has been a lie. I . . . I just—I don't know what to do." He looks at me with vulnerable, silvery gray eyes and I feel as if I'm being sucked into a black hole, and yet I don't feel myself fighting it.
Maybe I don't have to tell him I'm not a girl. I mean, I do feel the same way, he just doesn't know that his feelings are what he's been feeling all his life, for the opposite sex. What, so you'd let the poor boy think that he's really gay? How cruel! Well I don't know what else to do! At least a partial truth is better than a full out lie!
"I—" I clear my throat when all that really comes out is a croak. "You—you're not going insane, Christian." I look up at him as I feel my heart pound against my chest. I've never admitted my feelings for anyone before. Is it supposed to feel like I'm suffocating? It doesn't help that I'm telling a boy I like him when I'm forced to stuff my underwear in gym just so I don't look suspiciously flat down there through my gym shorts. "I feel the same way."
I watch as emotions pass through his eyes as what I said settles in. Though he still seems a little confused, at least he's smiling. "You do?"
I slowly nod my head and will myself not to blush. "Yes."
His smile fades and a frown pulls at the corners of his mouth. "Have you always been—I mean, uh, um . . ." I try not to laugh as he awkwardly rubs the back of his neck as he struggles to ask what he is thinking without sounding like an ass. "When did you know that you, um, had feelings for me?"
I shrug, feeling like, even though in a way I'm still lying to him, at least I can be honest with some things. "The first time I saw you. I didn't understand at first that it was attraction I was feeling toward you, though," I mumble quietly.
He looks at me as if he's seeing me for the first time, then looks away. He's sitting down next to me, his elbows resting on his thighs as his folded hands hang between his legs. I'm not sure if I should say something, so I don't. I don't want to ask the wrong question and give too much away.
"So am I the first boy, who, um, well you know, pounced on you? I mean, uh, well, have you, did you, you know . . . kiss other boys, uh, people, um girls?"
I shake my head. "No. You're my first." For some odd reason this answer makes a smile tug at his lips and I'm not sure what to make of it.
He clears his throat and runs his hands though his hair. "Did you—did you like it? The kiss? I mean was it okay?"
I try to hide my blush but I know it's no use. My body never does what I want it to do. "Yes, but I don't have much to compare it to."
He smiles slightly. "Well I could kiss you again, then you'd have a comparison."
I laugh, but it comes out more like a giggle, and I hope it didn't sound like a little girl to Christian, or a piglet, like he once told me, but as I look at him I can see that's not even close to what he's thinking. His eyes look darker, like a dark thundercloud, and his pupils are dilated. I suddenly feel a shift in the air, I can feel Christian's intoxicating heat caressing my skin. I feel my blood grow thicker through my veins as an odd sensation in my lower belly stirs and I feel a burning sensation in a place I've never felt before. It's not painful, it's a little uncomfortable so much that it makes me shift and I feel a little wetness in my panties. My eyes go slightly wide as I think I've leaked myself, but not much else enters my mind as Christian pounces, like an elegant panther attacking his prey.
His lips mold onto mine, and I'm so surprised I gasp out, giving him eager entrance into my mouth. Oh, God, he really has to stop doing this! I feel his tongue stroke the tip of mine and I shiver a little bit. Oh, God, I hope he doesn't stop doing this!
His lips slowly massage my own and I fall deeper into his pull, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, still on some unconscious level keeping my chest away from his so he doesn't feel that I have mounds, when in reality I'm supposed to have two Almond Joy's in my underwear.
He leans me back on the bed and I go down willing, not yet wanting this new sensation to end. He smells so good, and he tastes even better. He's such a good kisser, or what I imagine a good kisser would be since he's my first. I love the way his lips glide over mine just before his tongue peaks out and touches my bottom lip gently or glides along my tongue.
I feel his hand start to ride up my side, and through the fog, I move my hand to keep him from going past my waist. I can't risk him feeling the differences between our bodies, at least the differences he hasn't already noticed.
He tried to move my hand aside, but I grab his wrist. "Christian, don't do th—"
"Hey, Ana, I just—"
I gasp and sit up as I push Christian away from me when Luke barges into the room. I try to fix my appearance but I know it's pointless as a deep blush paints my entire face red.
"Dude, don't you know how to knock!" Christian yells, getting up and walking toward Luke, as Luke just stares between Christian and me like a fish out of water. "Just because you're friends with Andy doesn't mean you can prance in here—wait, why did you call him Ana?" Christian stops in his tracks and I watch as he slowly looks at me, a deep frown pulling his eyebrows together. He looks back at Luke as he says, "Ana is a girl's name."
"I should go." Luke closes the door and he vanishes just as quickly as he appeared.
Christian turns and gives me his trademarked bemused look. I should probably start getting used to him looking at me like this.
"Andy, why did Luke call you Ana?"
I look at him and take a deep breath as I think what to do. How can I lie to him anymore? What can I say now to make him believe something that is no longer believable? How can I keep kissing him like we just did and continue to let him believe that he's something he's not? I guess I just have to hope for the best and deal with whatever happens.
Looking at him, in my normal full-on girl voice, I say, "Because that's my real name."
This is one of the longest chapters of this story I think, and I hope you guys enjoyed it! I'll try to get chapter 19 out this Saturday hopefully.
Thank you all so much for the reviews, follows and favorites! It keeps me updating.
SS&G xoxo